Tash held up both hands, only two paces between him and the blade. Instincts told him to run; the nagging voice of intuition commanded him to stay. "Nimae—"
"Don't start." Nimae jabbed the knife at Tash. "I know about Varen, and I know you're responsible. You sent him to his death!" Nimae stomped forward, forcing Tash backwards. "You surrendered him to save your own ass, but he wasn't yours to do anything with. He was mine! My life, all the good I had left. Damn you for selling Varen out! Selling me and Ress too, after we loved you, missed you, had every faith in you!" He growled low. "I've waited for this moment, Council whore. I'll rip out your guts and shove them into your skull. Rearrange your limbs."
Nimae closed the space between them and grabbed Tash by the collar of his robes. He shook Tash violently. The tip of the knife jammed against Tash's thigh, just short of piercing his skin. "Here you are, not even fighting back. Lost your bite? You'll suffocate us with prison, but you won't bother doing the damage yourself? Is that all we are to you? Just names to barter?" Nimae's voice cracked. His hold weakened. Tears rushed down his weather-beaten cheeks. "Are we that much of nothing?"
Fear ripped through Tash like lightning. "Never," he whispered, wrapping his hand around the fist at his neck. He dared not pull away, not with how badly Nimae trembled. "The three of you were worth everything, even giving in to the Council to save you."
Slow and calm, Tash turned into Nimae and shifted his feet. He guided the knife towards his knee at an angle more difficult for Nimae to exploit. "I never meant to hurt you and Varen…" Tash cupped Nimae's cheek, his wiry beard moist to the touch. "You were supposed to live, all of you, away from the Shar, away with each other, with me. We were supposed to end up on this side together, free as much as we could be, but it all went wrong. I put my hope in the wrong people, and I'm sorry. I only wanted to save you."
Tears slipped from Tash's eyes. "Ress knows why I gave you up. You'll probably never believe me, but I swear I did it to save you, to get you out. There wasn't any other way, but the Council ruined everything. They made Varen think you three were headed to prison, but you weren't. They promised… and I trusted them," Tash admitted hoarsely. "Now it's killing you, and I'm sorry. You deserve so much better, but now… I miss Varen. I miss you. I miss how it used to be. If I could bring him back, I would've done it already. I'd do anything to have you back too, even stand here when I should run."
Nimae blinked, his sorrowful gaze locked with Tash's. His lips twisted and quivered. "It hurts," he whispered.
With a whimper, Nimae dropped the knife. He threw himself at Tash, sobbing as he locked his arms around Tash's shoulders. Tash returned the embrace without hesitation, unable to stop his own tears.
"I miss him so much," Nimae croaked, grappling to hold him tighter. "I can't stop hurting. It won't go away. I never got to say goodbye—he was just gone. I can't be alone, not anymore. All this pain… Make it go away. Just take it, please."
Tash sucked in a sharp breath. Varen had been emotional but not Nimae. Nimae had been composed like Ress, ready to plan his way out of problems. For Nimae to fall apart in his arms…
"I'm sorry," Tash murmured.
Nimae clung to Tash's robes with both fists. "He went and died, leaving me behind." His words came out in pieces, separated by cries and sniffles. "The first time I told him I loved him… me asleep on the floor in his room and him waking up so scared, so terrified of his own dream… I couldn't take it. Crawled into his bed and held him, wishing it away. The next morning, I asked him to be mine, and he said yes. He didn't even think about it—just kissed me and said yes. So surprised, so happy, like when I bought our tiny piece of land…"
Thumping his fist against Tash's back, Nimae cursed. "And the Council—those wretched bastards with their gods-awful hunters—they raided the estate he was at and took him. Just barged in, took everyone. I wasn't there to protect him. I couldn't save him from that nightmare. He was alone because I wasn't there."
"He loved you." Tash squeezed his eyes shut. If only he had known about Varen. If only he could undo those last moments. "Varen wouldn't leave you without a good reason. He would've given everything to keep you safe. You were his world; the hope that kept him alive whenever the Shar ripped into him. You know that, and he'd want you to remember it. Every day, he'd want you to keep going, even when it hurts to try."
"No point when all I want is dead." Nimae pushed back. Strands of dark hair stuck to his wet cheeks. "Since I'm here—" He held out his wrists. His sleeves shifted upwards, revealing jagged, puckered scars similar to those on Tash's forearms. "Take me to the Council. I'm ready for the execution. Finish what you started."
"Nimae…" Tash bit back the rest of his words. No matter how much he understood the request, he could not see it through. Nimae's life could not be snuffed out with such little regard. Varen would have told them to fight it. He would have demanded Ress talk Nimae into saving himself. "Let's go see Ress, you and me. No Council. We'll sit down and talk. We'll get the rest of our family back together."
Nimae snorted. "Family. Goddesses, I hate that word. It's such a lie."
Brow furrowed, Tash looked over Nimae as if seeing him for the first time. Too many questions gnawed holes through him, but he feared the answers. The knots in his stomach twisted on themselves, pulling his insides taut. "Nimae, why are you here? Did you come to kill me?"
"Not you," Nimae answered. "Me." His gaze flickered away. "I wanted to go out praying for Varen, to be with him on the other side. Figured I'd get buried and be too dead to care about much else. I set the explosive above this room myself, but the damn thing still didn't go off." He picked up his knife. "All the other explosives went off. This one…" Shouting a mangled curse, he tossed the knife across the room and knocked one of the candelabrums off the table.
A chill skittered down Tash's spine. If he's here…
"Nimae," Tash started slowly, "who set the other explosives?"
"Old friends." Nimae's stony glance sent a shudder through Tash. "You made a good game of hiding, but it's over. The Shar's got you now."
Warmth fled from Tash, and he felt the blood drain from his face. His joints locked as his body refused to function beyond shock. Panic whirled and burst under his skin like tiny explosions.
No. No, no, no.
"You blew it with Ress," Nimae continued, "pulling him out of Araveena with Rivane's heir." He flung out his hand. "The lookout saw you! He recognized your damn robes, saw your face—you didn't even try disguising yourself, you idiot! He ran off and reported everything. Didn't know who you were, but they sent scouts to every temple in Kattal. They found you here and rumours went flying." Nimae snorted and swayed on his heels. "Every faction went at it, trying to figure out who you were. Then the old bastards in our faction got involved and that settled it. I was yanked around by bosses trying to get information I didn't have."
"I'm… I…" Tash blinked, unable to focus. The room seemed to spin, the ground unstable.
"This was to get rid of you!" Nimae growled and jerked Tash close with both fists, his ale-scented breath hot on Tash's face. "This is what happens when every single faction wants you skinned. Whatever life you've had, it's over." He shoved Tash back. "The temples are nothing to the Shar but a means to kill you. You might survive today, but don't count on tomorrow."
Choking on a cry, Tash pressed his wrist to his lips. He swallowed once, twice, fighting the nauseating taste that surged up his throat. They knew where he was. Retribution had begun, taking innocent people with it.
Because of me. Tash spun away. His gut felt as if it was being punched by a thousand fists fashioned from razors. The hiss he heard before the explosion, the people he saw leaving the temple… All of it meant to kill him.
"Brother Halataldris!" a voice called from the doorway. "We need to leave!"
Tash snapped his head up. Esaline rushed into the room, her long red hair a mess like her face and white gown. She beckoned with a frantic wave.
"Co
me on. You're being hollered for." Esaline clutched Tash's hand and tugged. "You're the only ones left. Let's go."
"After you," Nimae mumbled.
Tash snatched Nimae by the arm. "With you." Before Nimae could protest, Tash pulled him along with a grip that only grew tighter. Nimae fought his grasp, but Tash dragged him, his fingers aching from the effort. Once they reached the hole to the surface, Tash shoved Nimae through the entrance and up the stairs, barking at him to stop insulting Varen's memory.
At the top of the staircase, Tash gazed across the ruins. More groups had formed, twice as many as earlier. Among them were republic soldiers and Dahe guards, all of them occupied with either rescue or helping healers with the wounded.
His glance stopped on Mayr, who stood with three guards where Kee and Armamae had been. Mayr looked pained while a guard bandaged his right hand. Blood stained his left hand and cheeks; dirt smeared his clothes. Leaves and grass clung to his hair.
Whatever Mayr had done, Tash preferred not to know. Not yet. He needed something more than answers. One hand around Nimae's wrist, Tash hurried over the rubble. If anyone spoke, he did not hear it. When Nimae protested, he ignored it. Only when he reached Mayr did he acknowledge anyone else.
"Hold him," Tash instructed, pushing Nimae towards one of the surprised guards. Without a second thought, he grabbed Mayr in a tight embrace, terrified to let go.
Mayr gasped and returned the hug. "Are you all right?"
Cries Tash had stifled burst forth, muffled in Mayr's shoulder. Tash shook his head, tears falling in a hot cascade. The weight of the truth was crushing as it clawed through his insides. How was he going to tell Mayr they were in danger? How could he have ruined everything? Even though he survived, knowing he was responsible was murder enough.
"It's my fault," Tash sobbed. "They did it to get back at me."
Mayr tensed and took a sharp breath. "I know," he murmured. "I really do know." He eased Tash back, his face marked with fresh cuts and bruises. "We'll talk tonight. So much has to change. Right now, I have to take you home." With the thumb of his left hand, he wiped tears from Tash's eyes. "I need you to stay at the estate from now on. No trips. No gallivanting. No nothing. Become Aeley's advisor and stick to her. Stay where I can protect you." Mayr drew Tash against him. "Stay. Home."
Nodding, Tash buried his face in Mayr's neck, taking comfort in his heat and bittersweet scent. He would enjoy them as long as he could, however long he had left.
Goddesses, grant us peace. All these innocents… It's like I never left the Shar—I'm still hurting people.
Tash's stomach turned. If he could hold onto Mayr long enough, maybe salvation would come. Amid any darkness, Mayr was his absolution, his clarity.
Everything the Shar would take… unless he gave it up first.
He had never felt so dead.
*~*~*
Nothing about the estate brought Tash consolation. Not the heavily protected entrances with guards as solemn as the four that escorted Mayr and him. Not the chaos within as household staff rushed about, gathering supplies and making room for survivors. Not the eerie silence from beyond the main staircase.
Despite all the confusion, there were none of the screams or wails Tash anticipated from Arieve or the baby. Each hurried step he took up the stairs with Mayr was frightening. No one they passed said a word about Arieve's state. Instead, they eyed Tash with pity and offered condolences.
None of it eased his conscience. He was covered in dust, blood, and grit, sick reminders of death and suffering. Innocent people had been dragged into a fight he started, yet he was alive, left to witness the destruction. The last thing he wanted was pity. He needed something to lift his heart, not smash it into tinier bits.
With all the words not said, Tash feared what waited in Arieve's room. Silence meant death. They had lost either Arieve or the baby—or both.
His world was falling apart.
Tash faltered at the top of the stairs, too terrified to take another step.
"Hey," Mayr said. He squeezed Tash's hand and sidestepped a group of guards carrying baskets down the stairs. "We're almost there. Come on."
Closing the distance to Arieve's room only made matters worse. By the time they reached the closed door and the two guards who stood at attention, Tash felt trapped, his skin like ice. His fingers trembled in Mayr's grasp. His body refused to move.
The guards' faces mirrored his feelings. Ralaern stood on the left, his white-blond hair slicked back, his youthful expression sombre. To the right, Lisreft towered over Ralaern with a rigid form, his brown hair tied back from his tightened features. Both wore black leather armour and metal bracers, fully armed with swords and knives. There was nothing joyful to their presence, no measure of reassurance.
"Mayr, Priest Tash," Lisreft greeted, bowing his head. "Thank the Four you're alive."
"Thank the Four you're where I need you," Mayr said. "It's going to be a long night. An even longer few weeks."
"We'll do whatever we have to." Ralaern nodded at the door. "You ready?"
No. Tash swallowed back the answer. No more death. Please.
Ralaern's expression softened. "No need to be frightened. The screaming part is over." A smile crept across Ralaern's lips as he opened the door.
Lisreft clapped Mayr on the shoulder. "Go on. They've been waiting. Bless their patience because I wouldn't have any."
Tash's heartbeat lunged into a hard, quick rhythm. He held his breath and followed Mayr into the room.
The tension faded as they entered, as if they stepped through an invisible wall. Arieve came into his sight, propped up on the bed by a mound of pillows.
Tash's breath tumbled out in a quiet whoosh. She was alive. So was the bundle in her arms, a wiggling source of tiny, muffled noises that were something between cries and whimpers.
"You're home!" Relief flooded Arieve's face before she glanced at the ceiling. "Blessed be everything good. I couldn't take the thought…" The worry in her voice dissipated with a weak smile, her eyes wide as she gazed at Mayr and Tash. "You're here now. You're with us."
As the door closed behind them, Tash stopped beside Mayr, partway between the doorway and the bed. Flushed and covered by a pale blue nightdress and layers of blankets, Arieve looked exhausted. Darkness coloured the skin beneath her eyes as though she had not slept for days. Her hair was tied back with ribbons, rogue curls sticking to her moist forehead. Coye sat next to her with a balled up white cloth in her hand.
They were not alone. Karane scurried around the room as she moved sheets and clothes, discarded bloodied linens, and placed items into her blue healers' case. Every few moments, she checked on Gorgan and tugged on the faded yellow blanket draped around him. He sat pale-faced in a chair beside the bed but appeared alert, his right sleeve rolled up. His hair was wet, face and hands washed of dust and dirt, and his left arm rested in a clean sling.
Surie stood by the window, dressed for battle in black leather armour, gloves, and weapons. A grin cracked her solemnity, relief evident in her green-gold gaze. "Good to have you back." She motioned to the bed. "Take your time. Pell doesn't want to see you till it's good and late."
Mayr laughed quietly. Tash simply stared at Arieve. Inside, he was a disarray of opposites. Happy as he should be, dread suffocated his joy. Pride nudged his emotions, but shame dragged them down.
Arieve reached for them. "Come meet our daughter."
"We have a girl?" Mayr's face brightened with a childlike glimmer.
"Unless she says otherwise," Arieve replied. She caressed the baby's cheek. "You'll always be beautiful, little one, no matter what you decide."
"Absolutely," Mayr agreed as he crossed the room, pulling Tash along. Once they stopped beside the bed, he kissed Arieve's forehead. "I'm sorry. We tried so hard. We didn't want to miss it," he said, his voice cracking.
"You're alive." Arieve cupped Mayr's jaw and forced him to look her in the eye. "You're still here, that's what matters." She offered the b
aby to Mayr. "Now you need to hold her."
Beaming, Mayr cradled the baby with his left arm, her bottom propped on his right wrist. When she whimpered and fussed, he cooed and swayed. "I know, sweet baby. It's not easy being little," he murmured, turning towards Tash. "Let's go see your other daddy. You can tell him all about it."
Time seemed to stop as he placed the baby in Tash's arms. "You hold her first. You've never held a child that's yours. You need this."
Tash choked on surprise. Overwhelmed, he struggled between holding the baby tight and not wanting to crush her. Swaddled in a white blanket, the baby fit in the crook of his arm, her body the length of his forearm. Tawny hair peeked out from beneath her white knit cap. Though her eyes were barely open, he caught a glimpse of her blue irises. Her pudgy cheeks were ruddy, her pale golden brown skin smooth and warm, and her nose resembled Arieve's. Everything about her was small and pinched, a burst of life squished into a tiny body.
She was worth every breath he could not take.
Mayr chuckled and brushed back Tash's hair. Pressed against Tash's side, he swept his fingers along Tash's neck and down his arm. "There it is, written all over your face," he whispered. "The feeling I wanted you to have."
Tash leaned into Mayr's touch. "Was Iliane this small?"
"No." Mayr wrapped his arms around Tash's waist. "But she was full term, so it's probably not a fair comparison."
"This one's more impatient," Coye said with a smirk. "She's going to be a handful."
"Yeah, but she's our handful." Mayr grinned. "We'll teach her all the good tricks. She'll be brilliant."
"Great," Arieve said dryly. "When she's sixteen and tearing up the world, we'll let you deal with it."
Karane laughed from where she stood behind Gorgan. Surie snorted and leaned against the wall. Only Gorgan appeared to have trouble enjoying the moment, his eyes glassy as he watched silently, reminding Tash of what he had let himself forget.
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