Tash slipped his finger into the baby's hand. Her fist closed in a weak grasp, the simple act too precious to ignore. Holding her, reveling in what she represented… he was trading harsh reality for the whimsy of a future he might never have. Twice he had lived on stolen time. Now he had to pay the price. In his carelessness, he had made her part of the cost.
How could I be so selfish, pursuing a family when I knew the Shar still wanted me? Tash blinked back tears and caressed the baby's fingers, sharp aches rippling through his chest. How are we going to protect you, little one? They know where I am. They know I'm with your father. They likely know about your mothers and you. How do I survive to see you grow up? How do we keep you alive when they can destroy the estate? They'll take your life without a care. They'll murder you, and I…
Tash returned the baby to Mayr. "I can't. I just can't." He ran out of the room before anyone could ask why.
Voices protested loudly as he fled across the corridor. Ignoring the pleas to return and the heavy footsteps chasing after him, Tash raced into his room and threw the door shut.
Instead of slamming, the door swung open, caught by Mayr as he stumbled into the room. He closed the door softly behind him.
"I can't talk about this now," Tash spat out, headed for the window. "I won't talk about this. I have to do things. I have to—"
"You don't have do a damn thing but talk to me," Mayr countered angrily. He hurried after Tash to cut in front of him, then gripped Tash's shoulder and pushed him back. "Here you are, throwing out the first moments with our daughter. So do it. Give up whatever's bothering you."
Tash growled, determined to escape. "How can I stay?" he shouted, clawing Mayr's wrist. "I'll get her killed! Her, Arieve, you—all of you dead like the priests. I. Can't. Stay." He ripped Mayr's hand from his shoulder and shoved him away, yelling his frustration.
The next moment, Tash was on the floor, shaking violently, barely upright on his knees. Agony sliced his insides from heart to gut and tore his emotions apart, his body wracked with sobs that would not stop.
"I thought things could be different, but I'm still messing things up. I'm still hurting people." Tears flowed down Tash's cheeks and dropped to the floor. "I started over because it was better than staying. Ines left me before I could leave her. I left my parents and Ally because I knew they'd survive. Now…" He glanced up at Mayr. "Now I have everything and I don't want to give it up, but how can I stay?"
Tash pointed in the direction of the temple. "Look at what they did! That's them putting you and everyone we love in danger. We could die tonight for all we know. If I stay, I lose you all, because that's what I do. I break beautiful things," he whispered, avoiding Mayr's furious gaze.
Let his rage come. It doesn't make it any worse.
Instinct and habit waged a gruesome battle inside him, fighting the screeching voice that told him to stay. He was being torn asunder, ragged bits of his defiled self flung in every direction. Survival commanded he flee and start a new life where no one would come to harm, but sacrifice demanded he surrender to the Shar-denn and suffer their revenge.
They were nothing next to need, which entreated him to stay. Its silken voice was a loving whisper within the bitter chaos, asking him to be more, to do better and stand strong while the world collapsed.
Of all the possibilities, not one gave him a good enough answer.
But it's not about me, is it? That's how I ended up here—trying to save myself. It's always been about me, never truly about anyone else. And here comes fate, ready to collect the debt owed.
Tash pushed up from the floor. "I can't fix this the way everyone needs," he said, wiping tears on his sleeve, "but you all would've been better off if I'd never been here. You'd be safer without me. So maybe that's what I should make happen, because I can't stay, not like this."
"How dare you, you predictable, self-sacrificial bastard!" Mayr yelled. "You're not pulling that nonsense on me, not while I'm still here." He charged forward, one finger jabbed at Tash. "I know you. I know exactly what you'll do to 'fix' this. Not. This. Time. You hear me? Not this time."
Closing the space between them, Mayr snatched Tash's robes in his uninjured fist and hauled Tash against him. "You're not leaving me or our girls," Mayr snarled. "You can't go dumping us because it's dangerous. You promised you'd stay. Running away won't do damn all—we'll be targeted whether you're here or not. Ress and Adren are targets too, and Aeley's a pain in the Shar's ass. You're not the only one they want." His grip tightened. "If you think you'll push me away, you've got another thing coming. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. You run, I'm tripping your ass and dragging you home. Stay and I'll fight this with you."
Mayr's lips crushed Tash's in a savage, bruising kiss. Brutal and punishing, the force drove a piercing ache through Tash's jaws. Fresh tears dripped down his cheeks, an unstoppable whimper ripped from his throat. When they parted, neither could manage more than a ragged breath.
"We'll do this together," Mayr insisted. "I mean it. Let me protect you." He cupped the back of Tash's neck, strong and commanding. "You're overwhelmed and terrified, I get that. It's too much all at once. But there's no way you're losing me. I stand by every vow I made at our wedding. No one will take that away."
"How long can you put up with me? With this?" Tash held Mayr's face in both hands, searching his eyes for answers. "I'm a risk to everyone. It's going to be the same trouble over and over again. You can't possibly put up with it for the rest of our lives. You'll leave just to be free of it," he argued. "This isn't your burden, it's mine. I can't ask you to carry it for me."
Mayr snorted. "You're not asking. I'm taking it on, no matter what you say." He slid his arms around Tash. "You're not a burden—you're my fight. But you know I've got my faults too. I pray you'll always humour me and tolerate my mistakes. I'm worried one day you'll realize you can't stand me or my moods. I won't leave you for being human." His lips trailed over Tash's cheek before he pressed their foreheads together, avoiding Tash's injury. "It's the leaving I can't deal with. Those bastards can't have this."
As Tash tried to protest, a pleading kiss silenced his effort.
"Please don't leave," Mayr whispered. "Raising our daughter, loving Arieve—I don't want to do them alone. I'd do anything for you, but I won't live without you."
With words alone, Mayr broke him.
Tash's heart burned, its deep ache slashing through his will as emotions flung themselves against his nerve. They had been in this position before, during the Uldana Trials when Tash believed Mayr could never be his. That time, he had ignored what their hearts told them and pursued the right answers in the wrong direction. By not listening to the messages love had screamed into their faces, he had nearly lost everything.
I decided wrong then, but I'm listening now.
There would be no other life. If he ran, he would die, either by his own hand or by someone else's. Survival meant nothing without those who made him feel alive.
Tash hugged Mayr tight. Even without the magical cuffs, he burned from the fire in Mayr's conviction and tasted the intensity of his fight. Mayr was the strength he lacked, the voice of wisdom he needed to hear, even when it broke him. Determined and honest, Mayr's intentions were fierce in their sincerity.
"I won't leave. I'll stay," Tash murmured into Mayr's shoulder. "I'll push back like I should've. I swear I won't abandon you. We'll go into this as one."
"Both of us go in, both of us come out," Mayr mumbled. "If Council even thinks about throwing you back at the Shar to settle things, I'll make them regret it. If they sacrifice you to save anyone or anything, no matter what it is, I'll choose you over Kattal so fast they won't know their own damn names." His embrace tightened, all but crushing Tash. "I choose you, always."
In the silence, their steady breaths found a synced rhythm. The peace in their harmony hurt, reminding Tash of how long he had felt alone.
Not anymore.
People believed in him and needed h
im to fight. He would dust off his skills and protect them. He would get justice for them all.
Tash pressed his cheek to Mayr's. "You're so calm it's frightening."
"I'm not calm. I'm raging inside." Mayr drew away, the corners of his eyes tight. "But if I focus on it, I'll start shaking. Then I'll start hitting something, and if I start doing that, I won't stop. I need to focus on the baby. I'll skin the bastards from the Shar tomorrow, but tonight I'm hers and yours and Arieve's."
"Arieve…" Tash sighed. "We have to tell her about all of this, about my past. She deserves an explanation, but I don't know how."
"With me." Mayr lifted Tash's chin. "We'll tell her together. It took both of us to avoid telling her, so we'll take the fall together. Right now, you need to hold our daughter. She's the reason we weren't killed in the explosion. That has to mean something."
Tash stared at Mayr's lips, taking in his meaning. The very thought sent shivers through him.
"We need to make the world safer for her," Mayr said softly. "We'll secure her future, no matter what. That's what being a parent means. Tonight you hold her, you give her a name. Tonight you're Halataldris, flying above the pain and the grief and everything that scares us."
"And tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow we go hunting. Tomorrow we find out exactly who's responsible. We find homes for the priests. We start rebuilding the temple. We'll send weapons masters to Araveena to keep their temple safe. We'll protect the other temples too. We're finding a way to settle all of this, no matter what laws get in our way." Mayr cupped Tash's jaw. "You'd better invoke the name of every Goddess, my love, because we're going on a rampage."
To put it mildly, Tash almost muttered. He recognized the look in Mayr's eyes. There would be no rest until Mayr's rage found resolution. The past would be nothing compared to what was coming. Emeraliss, give us strength and compassion. Give us hope. We need every advantage we can get… and more than a little forgiveness.
Chapter Seventeen
Mayr crossed the nursery with a bowl of warm water, yawning as he set the bowl on the table beside Arieve, out of their daughter's exploratory reach. Three months of little sleep since Aliss's birth was catching up to him. Arieve insisted she and Coye felt no better, though he suspected they had a slightly better time of it. Where they were kept awake by Aliss's feedings and desire to be held, he was plagued by work without the benefit of holding their playful infant.
At least that day was one he was excited for, sleepless night or no. The day Aliss was born had been a nightmare, but the morning of her blessing showed promise. Guests were already gathered in the yard behind the estate and enjoying the crisp autumn air. Pellon had ensured the guard remained tripled from the wedding the previous day, not one stranger allowed on the premises. From what Mayr had seen, everyone was in high spirits, including Tash.
Mayr handed Arieve a clean nappy and a vial of oil from the wicker basket at the centre of the table. "Why did we agree to have your wedding yesterday?" He wiped his eyes, careful not to soil his white shirt and pants or his white long coat.
Coye snorted from where she stood on the other side of the table, also dressed in white with a thigh-length coat. "Something about making it so no one hiked across the republic twice—your idea, by the way."
"Rhetorical," Mayr sang.
"Sleep deprived," Coye sang back, pointing to her face.
"Ha! You're telling me." Mayr tickled Aliss's bare feet, smiling while she giggled and kicked and wiggled out of her dirty nappy with Arieve's help. "This little one decided her daddies didn't need any sleep or fun. So while her mommies enjoyed their wedding night blissfully alone, she kept us up, fussing and wailing just so we'd hold her." Aliss squealed as Mayr bent forward, his loose hair falling around her face like a curtain. She tugged on the black strands with small fists, her cheeks soft beneath his lips. Her fine, tawny hair smelled like honeyed berries, and the familiarity of her bright blue irises never failed to warm his heart.
Arieve snickered and swapped the soiled cloth for the clean, slipping it beneath Aliss. "You expected something different?"
"No." Mayr twisted his neck to peer up at Arieve. "I kind of hoped we'd get one good hmm-hmm-hmm in, though, while she was asleep. We were being so quiet, and I made sure her cradle was far enough away we wouldn't wake her." He turned back to Aliss, making a face as she gummed his chin. "I had daddy right where I wanted him, squeaky little half-pint. Then you went off, and he didn't, so I couldn't, and that was the end of that."
Coye laughed, deep and wicked, her green eyes gleaming. "Aw, poor you, all unresolved and turning blue."
"You have no idea," Mayr breathed, pulling back. "Last night was the first time he asked me to try something since… things happened." Destruction of the temple had left a lasting effect on everyone. Tash battled daily with painful emotions and sorrowful moods that sapped his energy and focus, a constant depression that left him with the desire for gentle intimacy without sexual gratification. Mayr accommodated Tash's every need and want with little question, thankful that Tash was there, alive, and not on his own. Even so, he feared he was not doing enough to help. He continued to seek Karane's advice on what else he could do for Tash, despite her assurances that he was doing everything he possibly could.
At least he still wants me around. He could just as easily tell me to back off. With a frown, Mayr gazed at the stained glass window, its glowing panes a multitude of hues from creamy yellows and mossy greens to cheerful purples and icy blues. Cascades of purple and green curtains framed the window, pretty and light like spring. The colours were happy like he wished Tash could be. Only Arieve and Coye had achieved that joy, even with what they knew about the current situation and Tash's past. Maybe one day we'll all feel the same.
If he had any luck left, that day would come soon.
Depends on how today goes. Mayr poked Aliss's nose, sending her into another fit of squeals. The blessing ceremony and feast would occupy the rest of the morning and most of the afternoon. What transpires at the meeting afterwards…
They would pursue one thing a time, no different than the rebuilding of the temple. Costs were high, from materials and resources to managing people. Along with Kee and the Keepers of the Sacred Assembly, Lira had taken it upon herself to help everyone affected by the explosion, insisting that Aeley focus on being Tract Steward. The restoration had become Lira's personal project, burying her beneath paperwork, requests, and all manners of details.
Mayr and Tash helped however they could, though Tash did so from the safety of the estate. Adren had offered to fix the temple with magic and make it indestructible—a proposal Kee and Tash had adamantly refused to keep cir safe. Others, including Gorgan and the rest of the guard, invested time in building the temple itself, working with all of the priests, masons, carpenters, smiths, and architects who offered what they could to the project. If the months were kind, perhaps the temple would stand again before Aliss toddled about.
The Sacred Assembly had also accepted help from the High Council to take protective measures in other temples, allowing specially trained spies to don the robes of priests and watch for visitors with malicious intent. The spies searched the temples multiple times a day for explosives and traps.
All the while, Mayr dealt with a surge of fifty new guards that needed to be trained up to his standards and eased onto the roster. According to his contacts in the republic's military, their number of recruits was equally on the rise—citizens wanted to fight back and keep the temples safe. Thankfully he had Pellon, Surie, Ralaern, and the rest of the senior guards, all of whom knew what needed to be done and took no guff from anyone. Without them and their determination to train the new guards in addition to their regular shifts, he had no idea how he would have handled the last three months. Likely just crawled under my desk and cried for a week, to be honest…
A sharp whistle caught Mayr by surprise. Coye snapped her fingers. "Don't tell me you're asleep," she chided.
"What? No."
Mayr stuck out his tongue. "Just wondering how long it'll take until this place looks like a beast tore it up."
He gestured to the spacious nursery with a weak wave. The walls were grey and red with splashes of colour from tapestries, flowers, and decorations Arieve had chosen. The simple table they stood at was in the middle of the room, half of its surface occupied by baskets of cloths and oils. Beneath the table sat a miniature bathtub and laundry baskets. Around the room, wooden chests spilled over with toys and blankets while clothes filled the two dark brown armoires. The wooden heaven's horse and ice-slider sat in separate corners, ready for when Aliss was old enough to rock on them. A brown cradle stood against the wall shared with Arieve and Coye's room. The cradle was a gift from Aeley, having been passed down in her family, along with the rocking chair by the window.
"It's all pretty now, but wait until baby starts walking. She'll do dam-age. Won't you, baby?" Mayr cooed and rubbed noses with Aliss. "You're going to be so much like your Aunt Aeley. Maybe she'll tell you where she used to stash my favourite sweets, hiding them like she was all clever."
"I remember you being oh-so-clever." Arieve smirked and toyed with Aliss's fingers. "Shall we recount all those times? Perhaps the night you hid in the cellar with Pell and Aeley, thinking you'd get a late-night snack when no one was looking, and you all got locked in?"
Mayr's face warmed. "Uh, no?" He leaned into Arieve to press his cheek to hers. "Not in front of our daughter," he whispered against her ear. "Wouldn't want to be a bad influence." Trailing a lazy kiss down her neck, he chuckled as she shivered.
"Clever." Arieve caught his lips as he drew back, the depth of her kiss filled with intent. Their romance was far from over, their desires bound tight. "Love you," she said.
"Love you too."
"Me three?" Coye's features contorted, her lips twisted. "Does one love their wife's lovers?"
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