Fighting Gravity

by Leah Petersen

  “I’m sorry—”

  “You told me you were coming back. Was that before or after you got in bed with him?”

  “It wasn’t like that. I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late. If you consider that Pete’s not a girl, maybe you can at least acknowledge that I might have been slightly surprised about the turn of events myself. It’s not like you think. I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just did.”

  “How many times did you write to me? And you didn’t tell me anything. I thought,” her voice caught. “I thought you were coming back…”

  “I didn’t think it was fair to tell you in a mail.”

  “Now you’re worried about what’s fair?”

  I gritted my teeth. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you.” I sighed. “That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I love you, and I want you to be happy. But I love him, too. And it’s different. You were always one of my best friends. If it became something else for a while, that doesn’t change what I did feel, what I do feel about you.”

  I took a deep breath and pushed on. “But I love Pete in a different way. He’s right for me, and I know I make him happy. I just wish it didn’t have to hurt you.”

  She was pale, her face blank but her eyes were filled with pain. I reached out for her. She stepped away and turned to leave.

  “Wait,” I said, grabbing for her arm again. She jerked away from me, but stopped.

  I’d come this far, so now I had to finish. “Look,” I said, the words tumbling out of me, “this doesn’t make any difference because it’s not the least bit important, but everyone else thinks it is, and I came all this way because I wanted to tell you myself before you heard it from someone else.”

  She raised her eyebrows and waited.

  “Pete’s the emperor.”

  Kirti stared at me silently for a long, uncomfortable moment. “I see,” she said. “Well that explains it, doesn’t it?”

  “No!” I exploded. “It doesn’t explain anything!” But she turned her back on me and left the room. This time I let her.

  fg21

  The bell for dinner rang not long after that and, though I really did not want to go I went anyway. It would only make things worse if I hid now.

  I hadn’t thought about the matter of seating until I entered the hall. I was directed to the head table, as a visiting peer and guest. I groaned, but the one place in the room I wanted to be less than the head table was at one with Kirti. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to be ignored and I was required to answer questions through most of the meal.

  When it finally ended I was angling to intercept Dr. Okoro when Chuck caught me by the arm and spun me to face him. “Hey there!” he exclaimed. “Were you going to say hello, or what?”

  “I’m sorry, Chuck,” I answered, sighing with relief to see a friendly face. “I was going to come find you. I just needed to track down Dr. Okoro too.”

  He looked over his shoulder, only just then noticing where my trajectory had been taking me. “You two will disappear into a black hole for the next few weeks, anyway. You’ll have plenty of time to talk to him. So, tell me about your trip.”

  I opened my mouth but before I’d said anything, he caught sight of something and interrupted me. “Oh. I almost forgot. Look,” his tone became serious, “it’s none of my business what’s going on between you and Kirti, but I think you should know.She’s telling everyone that you two aren’t together anymore because you’re with the emperor.”

  “I am.”

  He grinned. “No, I mean she’s saying you’re lovers.”

  “We are.”

  He was on the verge of laughter. “No, I mean she’s saying you and the emperor are lovers.”

  “I heard you the first time, Chuck. Did you hear me?”

  The amusement melted off his face. Now he just stared at me. My stomach dropped. I didn’t know what I’d do if he jumped to the same conclusions Kirti had; if he chose to think the worst of me, too.

  “You’re not kidding?” he asked.

  “No, I’m not kidding.”

  A smile spread across his face. “Unbelievable. How did you pull that off?”

  Tension I hadn’t realized was there flowed out of my muscles. “Thanks, Chuck. Really. Thanks.”

  He looked puzzled. “For what?”

  I just smiled. Trust him not to guess that people might be judgmental.

  “So are you going to tell me anything or just stand there making no sense?”

  “What do you want to know?” I asked as we left the room.

  “Anything. I guess that explains the fancy clothes. I heard the transport you came in is like a palace on anti-gravs.”

  “Trust, me, if you’d ever seen the palace you’d know how impossible that is.”

  “So what kind of stuff do you get for having an in with the most powerful guy in the Empire? What’s your room like?”

  “I live in his rooms. And they’re indescribable, Chuck. The total area of his rooms is bigger than the dining hall.” His expression was avid and astonished all at the same time.

  “So what, are there diamonds on the toilet seat?”

  “No, they’re in the tile mosaics.” His mouth fell open. I couldn’t help but smile. I hadn’t expected the gaudy details of my good fortune to actually be well received by anyone. I’d forgotten to factor in Chuck’s matter-of-fact view of life.

  He started examining my clothes, pushing up my sleeves, turning me around. “What?” I asked.

  “I’m looking for all the jewels.”

  “Oh, please. You think I’d wear that stuff? I look enough of a dandy already.”

  He snorted, amused. “So show me the transport, then. At least that much.”

  “Seriously, Chuck, it’s not about that.”

  He looked confused at first. Comprehension dawning, he said, “Well of course not. But he’s not here and that transport is. Come on, you can tell me all about him while you give me a tour.”

  -

  Later that night, after I had shown an open-mouthed Chuck the transport, I went to find Dr. Okoro. He was in a lounge with several other physics fellows. When I came in he excused himself, apologizing for taking me away, and we left together. He threw an arm around my shoulders as we walked down the hall to his study.

  “Jacob, my boy, it’s good to see you. I hate that you’re not staying. But I can’t be selfish. I can’t even imagine what life at the palace must be like.”

  “I don’t really know, myself; I was only there for three days.”

  “True,” he nodded. “But tell me what you do know, what you’ve seen. Tell me about traveling through space.”

  “Sure,” I said. “But first I want to get this out of the way. Though I doubt I’ve beaten the news to you.”

  His face was neutral. He had heard. But I told him anyway because he was pretending that he didn’t know for my sake. When I finished the essentials of my new situation and relationship he clapped me on the shoulder. “Congratulations,” he said. “He sounds like a wonderful man and in spite of this doom and gloom you’re carrying around, I think you’re actually quite happy aren’t you?”

  He was right, I was. I sighed with relief. I’d been carrying around such a burden of guilt. Some of it had been justified, because of Kirti, but some of it had been simply for being happy.

  Oh, it was more complicated than that. I felt guilty and defensive about the things that others would assume about me that were entirely wrong. But I had taken all that on because Pete made me happy. Was I going to let everyone else ruin that?

  Dr. Okoro was watching me with a smile that spread across his face in direct proportion to the draining of tension from my body. I hugged him.

  “Thank you, sir.” He just patted my back in acknowledgement.

  My two weeks at the IIC passed both too quickly and not quickly enough. On the one hand, it felt as if there wasn’t enough time to spend in the lab with Dr. Okoro, or with Chuck, though I spent all of my non-l
ab time with him. Kirti wasn’t talking to me. About me, but not to me. That hurt worse than the shunning.

  Chuck invited me to a few gatherings with our classmates. I went to a couple. Not because I wanted to but because I didn’t want people to conclude I thought myself too good to associate with them anymore. In both cases, when I entered, Kirti left.

  Even though I spoke to Pete most nights, I still missed him more than I had expected. When the two weeks were over, I wasn’t sorry to go. I didn’t enjoy saying goodbye to Dr. Okoro and Chuck again, but it was an unspeakable relief to be away from the stifling weight of Kirti’s pain.

  -

  On the way back to the palace it hit me: Ma and Carrie.

  If I could do something to help Director Kagawa, I could do something for them too. I sent Jonathan in search of the data, my heart pounding in my throat. In spite of the trouble I’d caused with my last bout of curiosity, he didn’t hesitate for a moment when I asked about my family.

  Once again it took him no time at all to access data I had wanted for years.

  I stared in horror at the tablet he handed me.

  My mother was dead.

  She had died of pneumonia, something even a dose of back-alley antibiotics could cure, if you could afford them. But she had been working double shifts already, and the wait for a doctor in Abenez could be hours, even days. By the time Carrie called the ambulance because Ma had passed out on the floor and wouldn’t wake, it was too late.

  Carrie had been placed with a foster family. We had no relatives to speak of. The only ones I knew were no better than my father, and I was secretly relieved that they hadn’t been interested in another mouth to feed.

  She was with a different foster family now. The first had been accused of fraud. Something about misusing the funds they were given for the several children in their care.

  She’d been placed with a family just outside Abenez. A single family home, married couple, but she was currently one of five foster children, and that number and the makeup of the group changed many times over the months she’d been there. I scanned the data on each of her foster siblings. Most of them had arrest records. I had to admit they were the sorts of things I’d probably have been caught for already if I’d still been there. Petty theft, breaking and entering. Truancy, of all things.

  One of the options that flowed along the side of the display was the data on other possible homes in the area. There were many larger homes, better neighborhoods, some without other children at present. One couple, two doctors living in one of the new, state-of-the-art residential complexes on the edge of the entertainment district, had no children placed with them at all.

  I did a quick entry, filling their application with a transfer of Carrie to their care.

  Error. It flashed. Class incompatibility.

  My face burned. Oh. That was why Carrie was in a crowded home on the edge of the slums. She wasn’t good enough for anything better. My breathing was too loud and I wrestled it under control. I couldn’t give myself away.

  Override.

  Authorization?

  I glanced up at Jonathan. He wasn’t looking at me. I could ask him to do this for me. If he didn’t have the proper authorization, he could get it. He’d managed Kagawa for me.

  But he’d also seen Pete’s reaction to that.

  It probably wouldn’t work anyway, but I could try. I entered my citID.

  Confirmed.

  My vision blurred and I sat back, my heart thundering, blinking back tears. My mother was dead, but Carrie would have a good home now. Real parents. Money.

  A hundred Dawes Laser discoveries wouldn’t have compared to that.

  fg22

  I never thought I’d be happy to see the palace. When I disembarked from the transport Pete stood on the platform with Lord Sifer, waiting for me. He hugged me and I stiffened, surprised that he’d touch me in front of a lord. I raised my eyebrows after he pulled away.

  “Lord Sifer’s already scandalized that I came to meet you, instead of requiring you to come to me.”

  “I said nothing of the kind, Excellence,” Lord Sifer protested in his mild, calm voice.

  Pete grinned at him but said nothing. “I couldn’t wait to see you,” he said to me. “Don’t ever go away for so long again. OK?”

  “That sounds good to me.”

  He had cleared some time for me, so we spent a few hours alone together walking barefoot on the beach, even though it was really too cold for it. We talked of nothing important, or even very interesting, and I felt the tension I’d brought back with me draining away.

  He returned to his office in the afternoon. I was getting settled back in and about to go find my lab when I was summoned to appear before the emperor in his office. Baffled, I followed the servant. I was shown in and when the door closed behind me, I was berated by the emperor over the matter of Mr. Kagawa. He promised dire consequences if I ever acted on my own like that again; if I ever took advantage of my relationship with him to do things that should not be done.

  I waited, barely breathing, for him to bring up Carrie as well, but he never said a word. I took a long, deep breath. I’d only done it that morning, he probably didn’t even know yet. Maybe he wouldn’t find out and maybe he would. But while I could accept that I deserved to be scolded for helping someone I’d never liked much anyway, no one was going to tell me it was wrong to do anything I could for my sister. Not even the emperor. Not even Pete.

  I endured my chastisement in silence and gave my promise, when it was required of me, to never do such a thing again. That done, he dismissed me; I left with my ears ringing.

  I only realized later why he’d waited to bring it up. Our private lives had nothing to do with his position or his responsibilities. I had done nothing that concerned us as a couple and he didn’t bring it up in our private time. I had done something wrong, using my influence with the emperor as the means, so it was the emperor who reprimanded me.

  That evening when he returned to our rooms to dress for dinner he acted as if nothing had happened and he never spoke of it again. Carrie never came up at all.

  -

  Before dinner that night, in the pre-dinner lounge, I was introduced to the Grand Duchess Aliana, Pete’s cousin and the heir to the throne. Aliana was exotic and stunning, with creamy-chocolate skin and butter-colored hair and a prominent nose that somehow made her more beautiful rather than less. She glittered like a butterfly among caterpillars, and I didn’t need the introduction to know who she was.

  I liked her immensely. I think I would have liked her anyway—she was pleasant and intelligent and well spoken—but it didn’t hurt that she didn’t seem to care what class I wasn’t.

  -

  Later that night, as I lay in bed with Pete, I said, “It was horrible, by the way.”

  “Telling Kirti about us?”

  “Yes.”

  “You two were together before you left?”

  “Yes.”

  “You couldn’t have expected her to take it well.”

  “I didn’t. But I hoped…Well, I knew she’d be angry. But I thought she knew me better than to assume that your position had anything to do with it. She not only assumed that, she told everyone as if it was a fact that I’d confirmed.” I felt sick just thinking of it.

  “You know,” Pete said after a time, “she may not even believe that herself. Not really.”

  “What?”

  “Rejection is easier to take if you can believe that the other person isn’t worthy of you.”

  It made sense when he put it that way. Maybe she was just trying to make herself feel better. I could understand that. It still hurt.

  “I’m sorry I cost you Kirti,” he said.

  “You didn’t cost me Kirti. What happened between Kirti and me is between Kirti and me. It has nothing to do with you. And in any case, I have no regrets. I hate that Kirti has gotten hurt, but I’d do the same thing over again.” He was quiet.

  “I love you, Pet
e.”

  I’d never said that to him before. I’d been strangely reluctant, though he had said it more than once.

  He pulled me on top of him. “I know.” He smiled. I kissed him, a long, blissful kiss. Which led to other things, of course.

  fg23

  At dinner one night, several weeks after I’d returned, the conversation turned to the issue of the day, the riots on the planet of Carolis.

  “Now’s the time to act decisively, Your Excellence,” General Mondejar said. “Show them that their new emperor is committed to keeping Carolis in the empire. Your father wasn’t in a position to do that and you are an unknown to them. Make them respect and fear you and they’ll quiet down.”

  The planet’s troubles often originated in its notorious slum—ironically named Wildflower Hill—which was second only to Abenez as a miserable place to live. But while Abenez had long ago accepted its lot with docile despair, Carolis was new to the empire, and Wildflower Hill hadn’t learned to accept its place in the grand scheme of things.

  Pete nodded. “You make a good point, General, about giving them confidence in the Empire. But I’m not sure fear is something I’m interested in inspiring.”

  “Of course not,” the general continued, “but it is only the unclass who are making trouble. That rabble won’t understand diplomacy and soft words. They need a firm hand. Not until you’ve cowed them will you have any chance of teaching them to obey you.”

  “That’s a sound piece of advice,” I said, “for training an animal.”

  The general looked at me, his nose wrinkled in distaste. “There are distinct similarities between the behavior of a mob and a wild animal.”

  “There are distinct similarities between the behavior of arrogant assholes—”

  “A mob is made up of people, General Mondejar,” Aliana interrupted. “You cannot treat people as you would an animal and expect success.”

  “I’m sure any solution we settle on will involve considering the needs of the people as individuals, as well as the mob as a whole,” Pete said. “A little consideration will go a long way in inspiring loyalty, which is vital to long-term stability on Carolis.”