Fighting Gravity

by Leah Petersen

  fg37

  In the morning I got up, dressed, and went to breakfast. I felt dead inside, but what alternative did I have? I’d feel no better or worse alone in my room. I entered just before the occupants of the head table and took my place between Kirti and Chuck. Sasha slid in front of me. I hadn’t forgotten he’d promised me a beating.

  We sat for the meal and I didn’t bother taking any food. I nursed my coffee cup instead. I was deaf and blind to what was going on around me, so it was only dimly that I registered a sudden excited murmuring, people coming to their feet all around me. Kirti smacked my arm. “Jake!” she hissed. I looked up at her; she wasn’t looking at me but across the room. Out of reflex more than curiosity I did as well.

  And saw Pete coming toward me. I shot to my feet, felt the blood drain from my face. He wore casual, everyday clothes, he wore no jewelry but the Imperial seal, and he was unaccompanied. It made the scene that much worse because it wasn’t the emperor approaching me, it was Pete. He stopped in front of me.

  “May I speak to you?”

  I couldn’t breathe from the pain of seeing and hearing my Pete, so I had no words to answer him. I just nodded once and walked away, trusting that he’d follow.

  He caught up and walked beside me. He was a physical heat against my side. I was panicky. I knew I didn’t have the strength to be alone with him.

  As we approached one of the exits I angled and stopped in the corner of the room, turned to face him and waited. He gave me a look of disbelief.

  “Could we go somewhere more private?” he asked, gesturing toward the doorway.

  “No.”

  He looked at me, incredulous for a long moment, then made a soft sound of amusement.

  “OK, Jake,” he said, a smile playing at his lips, “have it your way.” He took one of my hands and dropped to a knee in front of me. “Jacob Dawes,” he said, “will you marry me?”

  The room started to spin. I looked up, horrified, to confirm that there was indeed a crowd of people watching us with a variety of astonished expressions on their faces. I looked back at Pete, still on one knee in front of me. I grabbed him by the upper arm, hauled him to his feet, and dragged him from the room. He didn’t resist.

  “Where are we going?” he asked, as if he was just making conversation.

  “Somewhere more private,” I growled. He chuckled.

  I pulled him with me into the nearest lounge and slammed the door behind us. I released him.

  “What the hell was that!”

  He stared. “A proposal of marriage,” he said slowly.

  I huffed in disgust. “You know what, Pete? You win. OK? You win. That hurt like hell. I wasn’t trying to hurt you yesterday. I was just doing what I had to do. I’m sorry that hurt you, but that’s just the way it is. But you’ve gotten me back. You sure have. So could you please, please just go now and leave me alone?” I said, turning away and pressing the heels of my hands into my eyes. “Please?”

  He grabbed my arm and pulled me around to face him. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I don’t buy it, OK? I admit, for one horrible fucking minute I hoped, but then I remembered reality. It’s over. I’m not buying it, so you can give up the fucking pretense.”

  “Pretense? I’m proposing marriage! You think I’m making a joke? You think I’m trying to hurt you?”

  “What the fuck else could it be!” I yelled. “Three years ago it was all you could do to spare me execution by having me sent away for life. You can’t tell me now that I can come back and marry the fucking emperor himself and expect me to believe it.”

  “Would you please stop saying ‘fuck’ every other word?”

  “No.”

  He made a wry face but took a step closer, reaching for me.

  “I can make this happen, Jake, you know I can.”

  A wash of nausea and fury crashed into me with such force that I couldn’t breathe.

  “You selfish, manipulative, fucking son of a bitch.”

  All the blood drained from Pete’s face. My first reflex—to grab him because he looked like he was going to faint—was checked by the anger gripping me.

  “What?” he breathed.

  “You’re unbelievable.” My voice was shaking. I was shaking. “You can make it happen? You want this bad enough now, so now nothing can stop it? What about three years ago when I was beaten and fucking Resettled? You couldn’t make it happen then?”

  “I—”

  “It’s so easy for you, isn’t it? You want something to happen and it happens. I was probably, what, a minor inconvenience? Someone actually thwarted you and took away your favorite toy. But you’re going get it back. Because you can.”

  “Jake—”

  “Fuck you. Fuck you and what you want. You can’t make this happen, Your Excellence.”

  He reached back with one hand but still fell ungracefully into the chair behind him. He clasped his hands together in his lap, but I could still see them shaking.

  “Go ahead and stick me wherever you want to put me next.” My voice sounded weaker than the protest felt. “You can make it happen. But I’m not participating anymore. I’m done.”

  He buried his face in his hands. He was shaking all over.

  The silence stretched.

  “I’m sorry,” he rasped. He looked up at me, his eyes so bleak that some of my anger receded. “I didn’t—” He clenched his hands into fists twice, watching them as if he didn’t know who they belonged to. “I didn’t realize.” He met my eye again. “I didn’t know.”

  All the strength went out of me and I collapsed into a chair. I thunked my head back and closed my eyes.

  “No, you probably didn’t. But that doesn’t change what you did. Or what you do. I can’t do it, anymore, Pete. I just can’t.”

  “No,” he whispered. “No.”

  I cracked my eyes open and watched as he stood. He stumbled the first step and had to reach out to catch himself.

  “I’ll go now,” he said.

  My stomach tightened watching him.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

  “No, you’re right. I’m sorry.”

  I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch him leave again.

  His voice came from the direction of the door.

  “You’re right, but I want you to know I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought—I’m not sure what I thought anymore. You do that to me. I feel so competent when I’m dealing with all of them, but when it’s you, when it matters to me, it’s like I know nothing, like I don’t even speak the language.”

  My throat was closing and my eyes were burning. I squeezed them tight.

  “Maybe this was all about me. I feel like I’m falling apart, like someone’s pulled out the supports and there’s nothing left to hold me up. I tried to leave yesterday but I didn’t even make it back to the palace. I can’t do this without you, but I don’t know how to make it right for you.” He drew in a shuddering breath. “I’ll figure it out. I owe you that much. I’m sorry I came back. I’m sorry about everything.”

  The door opened.

  “Wait.”

  My eyes were still closed. I wasn’t sure about this. I wasn’t sure about anything. But I felt like if he left, there would be nothing left of me.

  “Don’t go.”

  I got up and went to stand in front of him. He pressed his back against the wall, as if he needed the support. I had this sudden urge to just brush my finger down his cheek, maybe shake him first, or collapse in his arms and cry. The planet spun beneath my feet and I could feel it turning, rolling over me, this, us.

  “I don’t know what to say to you,” he said, with a shaky laugh. “I’m scared anything I say will be the wrong thing.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t know either.

  “I do want to marry you,” he said. “I want to spend every day of the rest of my life with you. I’m not asking you for anything now. Just, maybe you’ll consider it? You can teach me, how to do it right
.”

  “Do what right?”

  He gave me a lopsided smile. “Everything.”

  I looked down at our feet. At his feet, actually. He had big feet. It was a stupid thing to remember, to notice now, but it was suddenly the most important thing in the world.

  I raised my head and found him looking at me, his eyes devouring my face.

  “I’ll marry you.”

  He didn’t say anything for a moment, as if he hadn’t heard me. Then he went pale again.

  “You will?”

  I nodded. “Yes. Just don’t tell anyone, OK?”

  He spluttered a laugh and grabbed me, crushing me to him like he meant to discover a new kind of fusion.

  I closed my eyes and lost time and perception of everything but Pete in my arms and in my life again. Everything was right and everything was wrong and it was all OK because I loved him and I’d never done anything else. And he had come back for me.

  -

  We were very shy with each other. We sat on a couch and talked in halting bursts, of nothing at all that was important to either of us. But we’d been unconsciously shifting toward each other and I realized all of a sudden how close he was. I reached out and laid my palm against his cheek. He stopped what he was saying mid-word and sucked in a breath.

  I kissed him; an awkward, chaste kiss. He was still, as if he didn’t know what to do.

  I snorted a laugh and sat back.

  “We just agreed to get married and we’re sitting here acting like a couple of scared virgins. We’ve done this before, you know.”

  He laughed and reached for me.

  “We have, haven’t we?”

  When he kissed me it was a real kiss. We lay down on the couch, tangled together, breathing each other’s breaths. One person rather than two. And in a haze of silence and sensation, we started to become us again.

  -

  We walked hand in hand through the halls to my lab.

  Stares and whispers followed us everywhere. More than anything else, that made it real for me. The familiar feeling of us vs. them, Pete and Jake against the world.

  In the lab, I worked with Sean on extricating myself from our ongoing projects. Sean, at first, could barely speak with Pete sitting there, commenting from time to time or joking with me. But eventually Pete’s relaxed manner overcame the worst of Sean’s fear. The other team in the lab did little more than stare at us.

  Later we left to find Kirti, Chuck, and Dr. Okoro. The only negative feelings I had about leaving the IIC behind without warning were that I’d have no time to say a proper goodbye to my friends. Pete solved that problem by suggesting they accompany us to the palace for a visit. Kirti and Dr. Okoro looked intimidated, but Chuck was excited.

  By the time we sat down to dinner, Pete’s announcement of our engagement was superfluous but greeted with loud applause. I figured, just like the last time, they were happy about being rid of me more than anything else. After dinner, and the champagne and congratulations that followed, my friends accompanied us as Pete and I boarded the transport to return home together.

  We didn’t retire to our room right away, but sat in the main lounge with Kirti and Chuck and Dr. Okoro. Pete insisted they drop all titles and call him Peter, which they tried to do with varying degrees of success. They all managed it in the end, but never looked comfortable about it.

  Still, they did relax in his presence with time. Pete was good at encouraging that. Here with them he was as he’d always been with me, just a man and nothing more. It’s hard to continue to treat a man as something more, something other, when he refuses to be such.

  It was good, so very good to see Pete and my friends laughing and talking together like old friends. I wanted for them to see and know this side of Pete, the man I was in love with and not the emperor. In spite of the fact that I did really want to be alone with him, that evening with my friends was so enjoyable I was almost sorry to see it end. Almost.

  -

  Later that night, as we lay together in the big bed on his transport, I circled the discoloration around his eye with a fingertip. “I’m sorry about this,” I said.

  He grinned. “I think it makes me look tough, don’t you?”

  I frowned, “Yes, well, that ought to make my homecoming at the palace go smoothly. I’m sure everyone will love it.”

  He smiled. “Homecoming. I like that.”

  “Will you be serious for a minute?”

  “I am.”

  I rolled onto my back with an exasperated sigh. He came up on his elbow so that now he was looking down at me. He traced his finger over my split lip. “I think this needs a couple of stitches.”

  I shrugged. As happy as I was, as happy as I should have been, I couldn’t shake the sense of foreboding about my return to the palace. That wouldn’t have gone well anyway. Pete’s black eye promised to make it a doozy.

  “Can’t we just run away?” I asked. “We’ll go where no one can find us. Just you and me.”

  He kissed me once, twice. “Why are you so worried?”

  “Why aren’t you worried? It’s going to be bad enough that I’m coming back at all. I don’t see how you can be so calm about that. And with this?” I pointed at his eye.

  He leaned down and kissed me, a long, lingering kiss. My lip stung but I didn’t care. Several minutes later we broke apart.

  “You’re trying to distract me,” I said.

  “Did it work?”

  I laughed, but it was only halfhearted.

  “You let me worry about that, all right?” he said. “Whatever complications there are because I’m emperor aren’t yours to worry about. That’s my business and I’ll handle it. And believe me,” he kissed me, “whatever there is to deal with, is worth it. A thousand times over.”

  I pulled his face back to mine. He was right. I had Pete again. What could there be to worry about?

  fg38

  In the morning, when we got off the transport at the palace, Pete tried to send guards to accompany me. I refused.

  “Jake, no one knows you’re here with my permission. You don’t want to cause unnecessary trouble. Just take the guards with you this one day while we get everything sorted out.”

  “No thank you,” I said. An armed escort, no matter that it was now for my protection, was too much like being in custody for my comfort. “It’ll just make me conspicuous.”

  He looked at me with his eyebrows raised in disbelief. “You think you’re going to walk through the palace and not be conspicuous just because you don’t have guards? You need an escort Jake, I’m sorry.”

  “So let Jonathan come with me. If he’s with me, everyone will know that I’m here with your authorization. And then it won’t look like a military parade.”

  “You know,” he said, “when we’re married you’ll have guards with you all the time. It’s part of being a member of the Imperial family.”

  “All the more reason for me to enjoy my freedom now.”

  He frowned at me but said, “Fine. Take Jonathan. But try to avoid crowds as much as possible, please.”

  “You know I do that anyway,” I answered, dropping a light kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.”

  He smiled, kissed me purposefully, and made his way to his office.

  I led my friends into the palace and through the less populated areas by choice; I would have done so without Pete’s exhortations. Unfortunately, while my chosen area was less populated, it was also the haunt of some of my least favorite people.

  We were walking down a main hallway, talking and laughing, so we were almost upon Duke Blaine before I noticed him. He was talking to another man and when he caught sight of me he stopped mid-sentence. Both of them stared at me in astonishment. Duke Blaine turned red and barreled toward me.

  “How dare you! How you’re even here, I can’t understand. How dare you thrust yourself into the presence of decent, loyal citizens? You have more gall than even I gave you credit for. You loathsome little toad. I’ll see you behead
ed for this.”

  I stared him down. “Do you really think I just wandered in here on a whim?”

  “How am I to know what your traitorous mind could cook up, or what treasons you’d sink to?” He turned to his companion. “Call the guard.”

  “Knock yourself out, Blaine. Make a fool of yourself. Makes no difference to me.”

  He stepped even closer, putting his face in mine. “Even should you somehow have permission to be here, let me be clear. You won’t come between me and the emperor again.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “You say that as if you think there was ever anything for me to have ruined. You’re such a fool. You know, Blaine, no one can stand you. No one.”

  “You think you know anything at all about your betters? The emperor may have allowed you a glimpse of those so far above you, but you’re nothing. You know nothing. You can’t possibly understand the complexities of my world. His Excellence understands my worth. He and I have gotten quite close of late.”

  I laughed again. “Really? Impossible. Wait, maybe you tried a new angle? After all, with me gone…”

  It really was too easy. Duke Blaine was one of those Neanderthals who managed to perceive homosexuality as insufficiently masculine.

  “Do you mean you’re willing to bend over and take it?”

  His fist crashed into my mouth, reopening my split lip. I felt warm blood trickling down my chin.

  “What is it with me and this shit, lately?” I muttered.

  I put my hand out to stop Chuck, who was already advancing on Duke Blaine.

  “Don’t,” I insisted. “Please, just trust me on this one.” The setting seemed to be enough to convince him. He stepped back.

  I rounded on Blaine and punched him full in the face. A sickening crack was followed by a pained howl from Blaine as he fell to the ground, cradling his broken nose in his hands.

  “You disgusting little fucker!” he screeched.

  His companion had returned trailed by four guards. They all stopped and surveyed the scene with confusion. When two of them made the obvious conclusion and advanced on me, Jonathan stopped them and spoke to them quietly. They looked up at me, stunned, but then, at Jonathan’s direction, assisted Duke Blaine. As they helped him up and started to help him away, he turned to me.