Hurting To Feel (Carpool Dolls)

by Abby Wood

  "Let me—"

  His mouth came down. Her knee came up.

  He chuckled against her lips as his thighs caught her leg before she made contact with his balls. She pushed against him, pulled her head back, and screamed.

  At the same time, the man flew away from her and landed on the other side of the foyer. She shrank back. Nathan's back blocked her view of the other man.

  "What the fuck?" The man kicked the coat rack across the floor.

  Nathan brought back his arm and punched the man. She turned her face away from the pop of knuckles against cheekbone.

  "She's mine." Nathan grabbed the bent man by the shirt and brought his knee up to the man's stomach, sending the guy to the floor, coughing. "Next time, I'll kill you."

  Without further concern for the intruder, Nathan turned and grabbed her arm, pulling her out of the room. She hurried to keep up with his longer steps. He set her in a chair and moved over to pour a glass of water.

  He returned to her side, put the drink in her hand, and squatted in front of her. "Are you okay?" he asked, softly.

  She shook her head. No, she was anything but okay. "Who is he?"

  "My brother, Donny." He rubbed his thumb across her lips. His eyes hardened. "That will not happen again."

  "Oh, my God." She took a sip of water when Nathan helped her lift the glass. "You hit your brother."

  His brows almost met in the middle. "Yeah."

  "I-is it always…violent between you two?" She set the glass on the table and grabbed his hand, running her fingers over his knuckles.

  "Not since we were younger." He looked at their hands together on her lap. "He touched you. I told you I'd allow no one to put their hands on you."

  "Oh, God," she mumbled. "God, I'm sorry."

  His gaze whipped to her face. "Did you kiss him?"

  She stiffened. "No, of course not."

  "Did you want him to come on to you?" he asked.

  She shook her head. "No."

  "Then he deserved what he got." Nathan stood. "I should've done more to knock some sense into him. From now on, he'll have to talk with me before he's allowed in the house, and only when I'm here."

  "Nathan—she rose and touched his arm—it's okay. I'm going to go home."

  He inhaled with impatience. "Sit. You're not going anywhere."

  Donny staggered into the kitchen. She sat. The cockiness and anger gone from Nathan's brother, he seemed less threatening.

  "Do I get ice or are you kicking me out?" Donny held his jaw, opening his mouth and closing it again.

  "Freezer. There's a towel by the sink." Nathan ignored him, and turned to Addison. "Are you okay with him here for a few minutes?"

  She nodded, glancing at Donny who seemed more interested in tying the towel into a makeshift icepack. "I'll go. We can talk later."

  "No." He pulled a chair out from the table, and held her hand, guiding her to him.

  She sat on his lap, highly aware of his brother in the room. Yet, she relaxed against his chest, knowing he was here. It gave her time to study Donny without any worry.

  The only similarity she could see was their height. Both men were around six foot two inches, although Nathan's shoulders were broader and he carried more muscle. Where Nathan was all blonde, icy eyes, Donny had brown hair and dark eyes.

  The subject of her study turned, and with the return of his boyish grin, he raised his brows at Nathan. "A lot has happened to you since we talked."

  Nathan linked his fingers with Addison's. "She's mine."

  Donny saluted. "I get that."

  "Put the key on the counter." Nathan waited while Donny dug in his pocket and tossed the key on the tile.

  "Donny…" Nathan paused. "This is Addison. Addison, this is my younger brother, Donny, who is going to apologize to you."

  She cringed. "Nathan, it's not—"

  "It's okay, Addison." Donny swung his arms out. "I'm in the king's castle. It's how he does things."

  "Fuck," Nathan mumbled, but his jaw twitched in humor. "Get on with it."

  Donny placed his hand on his chest. "Please forgive my lack of judgment on seeing a beautiful woman and thinking today was going to be my lucky day. I should never have placed these lips on your plump, luscious, wet—"

  "Donny," Nathan said, a warning hidden in the low growl.

  "My apologies, babe." Donny's smile faded. "I had no idea Nathan staked, uh, was getting serious or I would've kept my hands to myself."

  She bit her lip. Despite being scared out of her head, and traumatized over the violence, Donny's boyish charm fascinated her. She had no idea how Nathan lost his zest for life, and his brother retained his humor when they'd both grown up together.

  "Apology accepted." She pressed against Nathan.

  "Cool." Donny leaned against the counter and crossed his ankles. "So what's with calling me so fucking early in the morning?"

  Nathan shifted to the side, and removed a paper from his back pocket. "Clean up."

  Donny's gaze shot to Addison and then back to Nathan before he schooled his expression. She watched Donny, because she knew Nathan wouldn't give anything away. Her throat tightened. She was right.

  Something had happened in the night. Something big enough Nathan hid the truth from her.

  Understanding passed between the brothers. She pushed off Nathan's lap. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs."

  Without waiting for an answer, she hurried away. She could've stayed in the hallway and eavesdropped, but the time for being curious was over. Once Donny left, she was leaving.

  Nathan could keep his secrets.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Addison waited while Nathan shut himself behind his office door for two hours. She'd indulged him when he informed her they were having lunch together on the patio. Now, Three hours after Donny left, she was done with him pushing their talk until later.

  Determined to approach him civilly and keep their separation to a healthy level without the back and forth, she waited and waited. Even she had a limit on how much she could take from Nathan.

  She stood in front of his desk. "Curt Stewart called the house this morning."

  Nathan leaned back in the office chair. "I'll make sure that doesn't happen again."

  She swung her gaze to the window and clamped her lips together. Unbelievable.

  "Did something else happen?"

  "Uh, yeah." She crossed her arms. "Where were you last night?"

  "Out. I told you I was leaving, and when I'd be home. It took longer than I thought, and instead of calling and waking you up early, when I knew you had to work, I didn't think it would be a big deal." He kicked his feet up on his desk. "Apparently, it is and I'll make sure I call you next time."

  "Next time?" Her jaw fell open and she clamped her lips together in unbelievable shock.

  "Look, if this is about Donny, I've got that covered. He won't touch you again," he said.

  "This has nothing to do with your brother—although a little warning next time would be appreciated—or my father calling and having to talk to him like everything is freaking perfect. You know I can't be around him. He can't find out who I am." She uncrossed her arms and fisted her hands. "I also don't like how you can come and go, and I can't even go to my house without okaying it with you first. Then when I finally talk you into letting me pick up my stupid clothes or water my plants, you act as if I've disturbed your life."

  "What should we do about you hanging on to your house then?" He put his feet on the floor and leaned his elbows on the desk. "I think it would be a good idea to move you completely here, and you can either sell or rent it. Renting would probably be better, because the real estate market is at a low right now."

  "Nathan!" She inhaled deeply. "I want to move home."

  "No," he said.

  She stared at him in disbelief, even though she knew he'd go there again. "Are you going to keep me here under force?"

  "No."

  "You'll let me walk out of this r
oom and call a taxi?"

  His gaze hardened. "No."

  "You're about to see me turn into a bitch." She marched to the door and whirled around. "I tried, but I'm the one doing all the changing in this relationship. Every little detail about my life revolves around you. You take me to work, you pick me up. I sleep in your bed, when I have a perfectly good bed in my house. Instead of staying far away from the asshole who fathered me, I'm thrust into his lap because you do business with him."

  She paused, hoping he'd say something, anything. "You're messed up, Nathan. It's all take, take, take with you. You haven't given me anything. Last night was proof. I was ready to leave you, and you overpowered me."

  "I fucked you on the floor and again in bed. You came three times," he said.

  "It's not all about sex. I can use a vibrator and have half a dozen orgasms overnight." She hung her head and exhaled. "I want you, not your body. I want inside your head, and as long as you keep secrets from me, there is no relationship. I won't settle for anything less."

  "You'll settle for what I give you and be happy. Your job isn't to worry about me. I can take care of both of us," he said.

  "You're not listening." She raised her gaze and whispered, "I'm going to grab my bag, walk out the front door, and phone a cab. I have no problem calling 911 if you try and stop me."

  A growing lump of emotion lodged in her throat. She called herself all kinds of names for hesitating. There were a hundred things she wanted to tell him, but he'd closed himself off to her.

  His refusal to open himself when their relationship was on the line killed her. She looked in his eyes and knew whatever shadows bound him to a life of solitude were stronger than she could chase away.

  She squared her shoulders and walked out of the room. Her throat constricted painfully, keeping the sourness from rising. He'd shown her everything he had to give. Power, control, strength, and an insatiable hunger, and she wasn't immune.

  She'd fallen for him. Heart, soul, and head, she'd wanted everything he could offer, and he could offer her a lot. But, he chose not to.

  Her bag was already packed and sitting on the end of the bed. She gazed longingly at the rumpled comforter and watched the vined print on the material blur. Rapidly blinking her eyes to dispel the tears, she walked out of the room.

  Nathan stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall. "I left you in bed last night, because I was afraid of letting go with you after spending twenty-four hours worrying over you leaving. I didn't want to scare you any more than you already were," he whispered, keeping his gaze on the floor.

  "Letting go?" She stood, holding her bag, afraid he'd stop talking if she moved any closer.

  His chest rose and fell. "I would've hurt you last night. I…I needed something more than rough sex, and you're not ready."

  "More?" A sharp pain, whether imagined or real, pierced her chest and she dropped her bag to press her hand between her breasts. "You saw a woman?"

  He barely moved, but she caught the slight nod. Her legs gave out and she reached for the wall. "Oh, God."

  "It's not what you think." He turned and for the first time, she saw the naked truth.

  His clear eyes, pained and guilty, stared back at her without any kind of shield to protect her from what really happened last night. He'd gone to someone else after making love to her.

  Bile rose in her throat. She shook head. "No…"

  "It meant nothing." He moved toward her, and she held up her hands. "Okay. Okay. I won't touch you."

  "I need to get out of here." She almost tripped over her bag.

  Nathan grabbed her before she could fall. She struck out, swinging and slapping at his hands. "God dammit, don't touch me."

  "Addy, you have to listen," he said.

  "I don't have to do a damn thing you tell me to do." She pushed, and he let her go. She stumbled to stay on her feet. "You're an asshole. God. You fucked someone else. You might as well kill me now. I gave you a part of me I've never given anyone. I told you things that—she closed her mouth and muffled her scream—how could you?"

  "It didn't mean anything." He struck out and punched the wall. "I didn't have sex with her."

  She laughed, but the sound came out raw and hideous. "Oh, then that makes it okay. What did you do, get a blowjob? Have her jerk you off? Oh. Oh. Oh. Maybe you fucked her between the tits and called it good, huh?"

  He was on her before she could get away. He shook her shoulders. "I beat her. You want to hear what I do? I paid some woman off the streets to strip in front of me while I took my belt to her back, her legs, her ass, and I liked it. I split her lip with the back of my knuckles, and the only thing I wanted to do was hurt her more—he cupped her face and forced her to look at him—but instead of feeling good, feeling complete, feeling aroused, I felt nothing. Do you know why?"

  He laid his forehead on hers. His breath mingled with hers, and the small comfort of his warmth was her undoing. She trembled. Her heart broke into a million pieces. Deep down, she'd trusted him despite him keeping secrets from her.

  She'd willingly let him take advantage of her, because he gave her the one thing she craved more than anything else in her life. Acceptance.

  For years, she'd covered the scars from having a mother who hated her, a father who rejected her, and the condemnation from every boyfriend who viewed her need to save other women who had it even worse than her, and had nothing. At least, she could pretend the good feelings she gave away to the carpool dolls were normal. The need for someone to pay her attention in the cruelest way possible wasn't a need to hurt herself, but one she knew well.

  "Addy, do you know why?" He tightened his hold on her.

  The people in her life, who were supposed to love her, instead hurt her. Nathan's constant control and dominating every aspect of her life was supposed to mean he truly cared or she thought at the time, but she was wrong. He was only using her, and she wasn't even good enough to satisfy him.

  She couldn't even distinguish between sex and love.

  "Look at me, doll," he whispered.

  She struggled with each breath, and raised her gaze. With their heads touching, his lips brushed hers as he spoke. "She wasn't you."

  She tried to shake her head, denying his words. "You don't understand. I gave you all I had, and you threw it all back in my face by going to another woman."

  "Dammit, stop. I went to someone else last night, because you were home in my bed, safe and content. I want you with me, I want to protect you against the…the ugliness I have inside of me. You don't deserve to take on what I battle."

  "No, no, no," she whispered.

  "Addy, it's you I want and need. I'm scared shitless I'm going to go too far and you'll walk out of my life. That deep down I'm too much for you to handle. I can't lose you. I won't lose you. If that means leaving you home in my bed and letting myself go with someone else, that's what I'll do."

  Blinded by her tears, she grasped his wrists, wanting him to hold her. "I'd do anything for you. I'd go through all the pain and emotional shit, just to have that piece of you that you don't give anyone. Don't you understand?"

  "I'll hurt you," he whispered.

  Yes, he would. Her body heated and she shook his arms, though they never budged from her. She had to make him understand.

  She'd die for the love he was willing to give. She only had to prove she was worth it.

  "Give me another chance, please?" As if confessing, her legs then gave out and Nathan swept her into his arms. She buried her face in his neck and whispered, "I want you to hurt me."

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Nathan was wrong.

  He didn't lay a hand on Addison and he broke her. He caught the hands that clutched, grabbed, and stroked him in her mad obsession to prove she was good enough for him. In one move, he turned her around, pinned her back against his chest. He held her arms crossed in front of her to keep from being touched.

  "Sh." He breathed deeply in her ear, checking himself against throwi
ng her down and taking everything she promised and more. "I know."

  His cock, hard and pressing into the ass of her jeans, refused to listen. He wanted her. Every worry, every fear, every desire, urged him to strip her of everything she threw at him. He wanted what she'd give him willingly, and then he'd take what she held from him.

  Greedy and hungry, something foreign to him took control. Having her body wasn't enough. He wanted her soul.

  "Please," she said, struggling in her containment.

  He ground his erection against her. "What do you want from me?"

  "The truth." She panted. "What did you give the…the woman that you won't give me?"

  Whether he wanted to shock her or spill his guts, he said, "I picked up a prostitute."

  Her body stiffened. All movements stopped. There, he had her attention.

  "I took her to an abandoned building and paid her to strip all her clothes off." He walked her backward, dragging her into the bedroom until the back of his legs met the mattress, and he sat, holding her on his lap.

  The pressure of her weight on his cock tormented and pleased him. "Like I told you, I used my belt on her and I wasn't easy. I left welts and no doubt, this morning she carries my mark. She meant nothing, only an object for me to use. I've fed—he blew out his breath—I've caved to my desires since I was a teenager with women, girls, any female who wanted attention, no matter what form of contact, and I willingly used them. That's what makes me different than you…than everybody else."

  "D-did you touch her with your hands?" she whispered.

  The hurt and insecurity in her question made him wish he'd never left the bed last night. His job was to protect her and instead, he'd planted doubt in her head that had no place there. The impossible task of showing her the truth never felt so heavy at this moment. Whether he lied or told admitted his guilt, she wasn't capable of understanding.

  The only one who understood him was Professor Frank, and even he couldn't help him dig his way out of the hole he'd created.

  "I touched her." He cleared his throat. "To hurt her. I caused her pain with my hand. It was not sexual this time. Since I've known you, I've never used a woman for sex."