by Abby Ayles
Antoinette wondered whether she had become too jaded... But as Sir Dodge returned with a glass of wine for each of them, she again noted that the romantic gesture came with absolutely no emotion behind it. She was not too jaded, she was merely aware.
Watching Lucy and Isaac flirting and laughing left her feeling strange. As though she were watching an elaborate play. This woman... This was not who Lucy really was. Her gestures were exaggerated, her words were carefully chosen, and she bit her tongue where Lucy would speak up. And whoever Isaac Jarvis was, he was not truly the man who was being presented to Lucy. It was all an act, a dance...
She tried talking to Sir Dodge some more, but although he continued to say all the right things and keep up his part of the charade, she knew he was not truly interested in here. If he were, it would have shown. There would be some emotion, some interest... Not just this quiet jealousy towards any other person who spoke to her. She didn't even see the point in seeking our Mr. Perry if the only thing it would do is cause Sir Dodge to sulk. So she stayed and talked and wondered when the night would end.
“I do believe it is getting a little late for me,” she said as the clock struck ten. “I shall see if my parents wish to return home.”
“So soon?” asked Sir Dodge with an eyebrow raised. “The Gala will continue until midnight.”
Antoinette shook her head. “I am very tired. I usually do not stay out past nine,” she insisted.
“Very well, let us find your parents,” he replied.
“I shall see you soon, Lucy,” Antoinette said, hugging her friend again.
Lucy nodded and smiled. “Hopefully this weekend, though you can stop by any time you wish.”
“Thank you,” Antoinette smiled back. Hopefully at home Lucy would be more her usual self.
Antoinette's parents were not too difficult to find. They were sipping wine and talking to the hosts. Although they were a little disappointed in Antoinette for wishing to go home, they gave her permission before returning to their conversation.
Yet, as Antoinette moved towards the door, she noticed Sir Dodge was walking with her.
“Are you returning home also?” she asked.
He nodded. “Yes, it would be dreadful to be here without a date, would it not? Besides, I do not like the idea of a lovely young lady such as yourself returning home alone.”
Antoinette felt herself blush a little again, despite the obvious insincerity. At least he said and did all the romantic things, even if he did not mean them... “Very well, you may accompany me,” she replied.
In the coach on the way back Antoinette let out a slight sigh of frustration.
“What is the matter, Miss Byrd?” Sir Dodge asked.
“It's nothing, it's only that... Everyone is pretending,” she said.
“Pretending?”
“Yes, everyone is pretending to be someone they are not, trying to make a good impression, trying to ensure that nobody ever has anything bad to say about them... It's just horribly frustrating to never know who someone truly is,” she explained.
Sir Dodge shrugged. “That is just the nature of society. We all put our best foot forward and act like the person we hope to someday become.”
“Well, it is ridiculous,” Antoinette replied. “Nobody every truly becomes that person, they just keep pretending to persuade others to do things for them.”
“Aren't you being a little too cynical?” Sir Dodge replied.
Antoinette sighed again and looked out the window as the coach drew to a close by her house. “I... I simply wish I could see people for who they truly are.”
Sir Dodge stood and began to make his way out the coach.
“This... this is not your home,” Antoinette said nervously.
“I simply want to help you out of the coach,” he replied, stepping down and turning around to offer his hand.
Antoinette nodded and smiled, placing her hand on his as she stepped out of the coach.
“I had a fantastic time, despite the... inconveniences,” Sir Dodge said, his hand still holding hers as the other rested on her waist.
Antoinette felt suddenly very uncomfortable. “Well... The inconvenience was my friend whom I had not seen for a very long time so I suppose I can be forgiven for-” she interrupted herself to lean back, away from Sir Dodge's face as he leaned in. “Excuse me!” she exclaimed.
“I beg your pardon I thought you...” he began, not releasing her waist and moving in closer.
“No, I do not,” she replied, wrenching her hand from his and pushing him back. “What sort of a... common girl do you take me for?”
Sir Dodge hesitated. “I am sorry...” He glanced around. The coach driver had seen, but there was nobody else around. He took a note from his pocket and walked up to the driver. Muttering something Antoinette did not quite hear, he shoved the note into the driver's hand before wordlessly returning to the coach and, with a meek smile towards Antoinette, closing the door.
Antoinette stared for a moment as the coach took off before turning and dashing into the house as fast as she could run, heart pounding as she shut the door behind herself and put on the latch.
What was that man thinking? Had she truly given such an impression of herself? Now she began to understand a little why her mother was so cautious about leaving her alone with men. Looking around and seeing that there were no servants in the entrance, she decided to get to her room before anyone could stop her and ask her questions.
Sitting on her bed, she felt uncomfortable. Lucy's odd behaviour, her parents' social climbing, Duke Godwin's absence and Sir Dodge's indecency... Antoinette wanted to share all this news with someone. But it was not to Mary's tastes, and Lucy was too inexperienced in love to understand. She had a nagging sensation that Mr. Perry would understand... but she could not meet him alone to chat like a pair of old gossips. It was just not right.
Then, the thought struck her. It was only wrong if someone saw her doing it. After all, both she and Mr. Perry knew that their relationship would go nowhere. It was only in the eyes of the public that their meetings were a liability. So if she could meet him without anyone else knowing, then...
But what if he would act as Sir Dodge had acted? Was this a thing men did? No. It could not be. She had never been alone with Sir Dodge until that moment and he seized it instantly. On the other hand, she had been utterly alone with Mr. Perry before and she knew she could trust him.
Antoinette had sneaked out the house before at night, but once again a slight nervousness overcame her. Usually she would not do something her mother had expressly forbidden, and yet here she was, doing it again. But she could not stick to the rules of proper society when proper society was all about bottling everything in and pretending to be someone you were not. She needed to let it all out. And she knew Mr. Perry would understand.
Arranging her shoes and cloak by the front door to make it look as though she had come in and never left, she then found a spare pair of walking shoes and a heavy coat in case it rained. She contemplated using a bonnet, but knew she would merely attract attention to herself and instead grabbed a simple scarf. Mr. Perry did not live far and she would be able to get there by following a lane and crossing a field.
Although she was a little nervous throughout the walk, she had no true fear for her safety, not even after her encounter with Sir Dodge. No, she knew these paths and lanes like the back of her hand, and was used to sneaking out at night. Her true fear was that of being rejected by Mr. Perry, of being seen to be something she was not, and shamefully walking home.
That fear made her hesitate before knocking on the door. But she did not intend to walk all that way for nothing at all. Looking up at the simple country cottage, she drew a deep breath and knocked.
After a little rattling and clattering sounds, a maid in her night clothes opened the door, keys in one hand and a candle in the other, with a fairly unimpressed expression on her face. “Yes?”
“I am here to see Mr. Perry,” Antoine
tte said.
“I do not believe he is awake,” the maid replied, looking Antoinette up and down as though trying to make sense of her.
“No, I am awake Lauren, who is it?” Mr. Perry's voice echoed down the stairs, followed by his footsteps. He was, indeed, still fully clothed. He looked at Antoinette with an expression of complete bewilderment, as though she had grown a second head. “Antoinette? What are you doing here?” Mr. Perry gasped slightly.
“I am... visiting you, I suppose,” she said, feeling a pang of regret. “If you wish for me to leave, I shall.”
“Not at all,” Mr. Perry replied, regaining his composure. “Lauren, please get us tea.”
“Wine would be nice, actually,” Antoinette replied.
Mr. Perry shrugged. “I thought you did not consider me a serious suitor.”
“I do not, and it is for that reason that I trust you to drink wine with me,” Antoinette replied.
“Smart woman,” Mr. Perry said with a nod.
“Unless, of course, you wish to turn away your dear friend after she walked so long to visit you...” Antoinette said, gazing back into the dark.
“No, no... I cannot send a good friend away cold and thirsty at night,” he insisted. “Come on in. Although I do hope it is an important matter if you are behaving so... outrageously.”
Antoinette sighed in relief as she walked into the warm house. “You will not believe all I have to tell you.”
Chapter 16
Sitting in Mr. Perry's cottage, Antoinette felt strangely at home. It was small, and a little crowded and the maid, Lauren, was also the housekeeper and in charge of hiring people to handle the horses and garden. But it was also stripped of all the pretentiousness and presentation of the large manors and mansions Antoinette frequented. It was cute and the fire burned warmly and everything was distinctly personal. This house was not decorated for anyone but Mr. Perry himself.
After a glass of wine, Antoinette felt sufficiently refreshed to recount the day's details to Mr. Perry.
Mr. Perry, as she ended, simply shook his head, finished his own wine, and poured himself another glass of wine. “I suppose Sir Dodge is off the table for you, then?”
Antoinette hesitated. “I suppose he ought to be, oughtn't he?”
“Antoinette, he assaulted you. He insulted your decency. You may be a little careless, a little rebellious... but the man treated you like, pardon my language, a common tart.” Mr. Perry sipped from what would be his third glass of wine.
“I know, but the only way I can convince my parents to drop any suitor is by proving he is not worth my or their time,” she replied.
“I am pretty confident that if your parents knew what he did, he would no longer be an option,” Mr. Perry insisted.
“I know... it's just that... He does meet all my other requirements for a husband,” she said with a sighed. “And nobody else so far does.”
“What requirements would those be?” Mr. Perry asked.
Antoinette blushed. “You will think me dreadfully shallow.”
“Probably,” Mr. Perry replied with a smile, “but I still wish to know.”
“Well... he ought to be romantic, outgoing, brave and... pretty wealthy. Wealthy enough to support my family if they required my help.” She avoided Mr. Perry's eye contact as she confessed to this.
“Hum, no wonder I was not a viable candidate,” Mr. Perry remarked.
“Well, I do not suppose your requirements are any less shallow,” Antoinette replied. “Everything sounds shallow when you are not speaking of a specific person.”
“That is most true,” Mr. Perry agreed. “I dream of a wife who is quiet, gentle... who can spend her afternoons relaxing with me and tending to the home.”
“And yet you were considering me?” Antoinette laughed a little.
“With my options as they are now, I would consider anything with a spare ring finger and a pulse,” Mr. Perry said quietly, looking into his wine glass.
“Now, do not be that way. You will meet your woman. And I will meet my man. Our fairytale romances. We simply have to... kiss a few ugly frogs before we get there,” Antoinette said.
“I suppose so.” Mr. Perry smiled. “It feels good to talk about these things.”
Antoinette nodded. “It does.”
“But you must return home now, or else your parents will worry,” he concluded.
Antoinette nodded again. “Thank you for having me.”
“Any time you need someone to talk to. It is not as though either of us would pass these secrets on,” Mr. Perry said, finishing his wine and offering a hand to help Antoinette stand. “Will you be happy to walk back home?”
Antoinette nodded. “I know the way.”
“You do not wish anyone to escort you?”
She shook her head. “I shall be fine.”
She could tell from his expression that he was already worried about her, but he did not protest as she took her lantern and walked off into the night.
Antoinette had not intended to, but the next night she found herself sneaking away yet again. It was just so... so relieving to be able to spend time with someone who did not have high expectations of her, who did not chastise her for being unladylike, who did not consider her an item to be bought.
“Back so soon? Has Sir Dodge made another attempt at your dignity?” Mr. Perry asked as soon as he saw it was her. She realized that the more she got to know him, the more open and relaxed he became.
“No, I have not seen him today,” Antoinette replied, “but I shall see him tomorrow.”
“Come in and let's have a glass of wine,” Mr. Perry said with a slight, knowing laugh.
Antoinette followed him in and found the same chair she had sat in last time, collapsing back into it like she used to do as a kid. “I simply have no clue what to do about him,” she began.
“Stop seeing him,” Mr. Perry replied.
“But he is such a good choice,” Antoinette insisted. “He is young, wealthy, romantic... He would make my family very happy.”
“But do you want a man like that in your home?” Mr. Perry asked as he poured them each a glass of wine. “To see your friends? Raise your daughters?”
“Perhaps it is simply that he could not control himself around me, due to his love for me?” Antoinette said, doubting the sentence even as she said it.
“You are a wonderful young woman, but no man acts like that only with one woman. You will need to pry him off every maid, friend, sister, and cousin you have,” Mr. Perry replied.
“That bad?” Antoinette asked, taking the offered glass and raising an eyebrow.
“Not necessarily... but he could be. And you must assume the worst case scenario,” Mr. Perry explained.
Antoinette sipped her wine thoughtfully. “But does it really undo all the good things about him?” she finally asked.
Mr. Perry shrugged. “It depends on how serious you consider the infraction, and how much you value being respected as a woman.”
“When you put it like that you make it sound as though I did something wrong,” Antoinette remarked.
Mr. Perry shook his head. “Not at all. I cannot make the choice for you. But I am simply pointing out that, were someone to ever find out that you were married to a man who had made such advances on you... many people would consider it cheapening yourself.”
“But if I wish to persuade my parents to stop considering him a suitor then they must find out what he did. They would restrict my freedoms enormously. I may not spend as much time with my suitors or... or be able to sneak out to see you,” she said.
Mr. Perry shook his head. “You must think long term. Our relationship is not leading anywhere, we both know that. So you must choose what is best for you. Even if it means these evenings end tonight.”
Antoinette pursed her lips. “Perhaps so...”
Seeing Sir Dodge again left a bad taste in her mouth, but she knew she had to do it. After all, Mr. Perry was right. She needed to think of
her future, not the present. She had allowed herself to slip back to emotions and fancies once again. So what if Sir Dodge was rude and emotionally unavailable? Sweetness and emotiveness were traits that made all the difference in romance novels, but did nothing for her sister's lack of wealth, her parents' need for status, or her need to find a man to provide for her.
She tolerated the visit and made an effort to smile, laugh at his jokes, and keep the interaction as positive as possible. Her parents, none the wiser, remarked on how well the two of them suited one another, and how much their relationship could grow. Even Lucy was excited to hear she was still seeing Sir Dodge. Especially seeing as Isaac had lost interest in her and began courting another girl, leaving Lucy a little angry.
Mr. Perry's evening company was her sole comfort. Sitting back in her chair, gazing at the fire, she wondered whether this was what it would feel like to sell her soul. She would not wish it on anyone.
“You know,” she said as Mr. Perry poured their first glasses of wine for the night, “I do believe I know of someone who meets your requirements for a wife.”
“Do you?” Mr. Perry replied.”Do I meet her requirements for a husband?”
“Perhaps so, you ought to get to know her and find out. She has only just returned from boarding school, entertained but a single suitor who was a bit of a worm, and is disheartened right now, though,” Antoinette explained.
“I would give her some space if her parents would even consider me,” Mr. Perry said. “What is she like?”
“She is young and pretty. A hopeless romantic. All those years in boarding school have made her a bit of an introvert and she likes nothing more to sit home reading all day. And she is quite peaceable and kind also,” Antoinette said.
“She sounds very lovely, I would much appreciate if you would put us in contact,” Mr. Perry replied with a genuine smile.
Something about that smile made Antoinette's heart soar. He just looked so grateful, so happy, so excited... It was the best feeling in the world, and she knew from the lightness in her head and stomach that she was doing the right thing. She could possibly make her closest lady friend and her closest male friend happy all in one go. They deserved it. She only hoped that the Fitzroys would hear her out when she introduced Mr. Perry. They had never been too particular about wealth and status, but everyone had a limit of sorts. What she hoped was that Mr. Perry would come in beneath their limit.
