by Abby Ayles
But as she was preparing the next morning to go and visit them, so as to begin the introduction, a letter arrived which shifted her priorities somewhat. Duke Godwin was back in town.
“Thank goodness we received the letter today,” Lady Byrd said as she bustled about pointing servants left and right. “At least we have a few hours in which to freshen up the house, order lunch, and get you dressed. Oh, I wish we had received it earlier-”
Antoinette seized her mother's hands, forcing her to stop pacing. “Calm,” she said, “we are almost ready. You have done so well.”
“Oh, thank you, I know I have,” Lady Byrd replied. “Not to sound too immodest, of course but... At any rate, I hope that you are taking note. This is what you will be doing someday for your daughters.”
Antoinette nodded. “I am taking note, mother.” However much her idealized image of her mother had become a little tarnished over the past few weeks, Antoinette still retained a powerful respect for the woman who had birthed and raised her. “I can only hope to be as much of a woman, a wife, and a mother as you are one day.”
“You will, Antoinette, you will. You have great potential. Speaking of which, hurry and touch up your makeup. The Duke will arrive any minute now!” Lady Byrd began ushering Antoinette upstairs.
Applying her makeup, Antoinette felt her heart lift a little. If Duke Godwin were back and interested then she would be able to continue as before. No more new suitors. No more Sir Dodge. And she had kept her promise to her sister for long enough, surely? It was all going to come up roses as soon as Duke Godwin was back in the picture.
Hearing the door close heavily downstairs, she realized he had arrived. She sprayed herself with her favourite perfume, double-checked herself in the mirror, and made her way downstairs as quickly as she could without sacrificing grace.
Duke Godwin was sat in the front room with Lord and Lady Byrd, talking quietly. All were smiling, but as soon as her parents spied Antoinette they stood up and excused themselves with a bow and a curtsy, leaving only a couple of servants to act as chaperones.
“It has been some time,” Antoinette began as soon as her mother had disappeared out the door.
“Indeed it has, but I have had a lot to do.” Duke Godwin smiled. “It is fantastic to be back.”
“You have to update me,” Antoinette insisted.
“Oh, nothing serious, a charity event here, meeting other Dukes and Duchesses there, a lot of dull, formal business,” he dismissed.
“It does not sound it, I would love to know about the charity events especially, they are your forte,” she replied.
Duke Godwin laughed a little. “Very well, very well, all in good time. But what about yourself? Have you been busy? I have heard from friends that you attended the Town Gala,” he said. “Must have been a little lonely, surely?”
Antoinette shook her head. “Not at all, I wanted to catch up with an old friend, and Sir Dodge escorted me.” She felt a pang of discomfort recalling Sir Dodge's behaviour that night, but dismissed it and smiled anyway.
“Sir Dodge?” Duke Godwin asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes, he is another of my suitors,” Antoinette replied.
Duke Godwin paused and gazed past her for a second, in deep thought. “I suppose you have quite a few suitors, Miss Byrd,” he concluded.
“I do, my parents like me to keep my options open. Especially seeing as I am a little old to still not be betrothed,” she explained.
“And I suppose that means that you, or your parents, could not wait until my return to make such a choice?” Duke Godwin continued.
“I suppose so, yes,” Antoinette admitted. “But you... you were not a certainty. You kept disappearing, we hardly heard from you. A lady has to keep her options open. I cannot hold a candle for you forever.”
“It is a busy time of year, your impatience is a little... unnerving,” Duke Godwin replied.
Antoinette nodded. “I understand, I truly do, but... do you not believe you are overreacting somewhat? All you need to do is prove you are better than the others, which, so long as you are home, is an easy task for you.”
Duke Godwin shook his head slowly. “Antoinette... I am not the hunter. Do not get me wrong, I enjoy a little fun and sport like any man. But I will not enter some ridiculous contest to prove my worth to you. I am a prize. And if you cannot see that I stand head and shoulders above the rest... then perhaps I ought to be considering a woman who is made for me.”
“But I...” Antoinette began, trailing off as her eyes locked with Duke Godwin's.
“I am sorry, Antoinette, but I am a man with many options. And I do not wish to marry a woman who, rightly or wrongly, considers me anything less than her best option.” He smiled in a friendly manner as he explained this… courteous even in rejection.
Antoinette smiled meekly back, but felt her heart tearing in two.
Chapter 17
Losing Duke Godwin left Antoinette feeling hollow. And yet she could not understand why. She had thought him long lost already, ever since he had vanished to attend his balls and galas and events. But that was different, wasn't it? Then she had assumed that a woman of her station stood no chance at all with an elusive, intrepid Duke. Now she knew better. She had had a chance with one of the most eligible men in the country. And she had ruined it.
She collapsed into the chaise longue in the drawing room and stared at the ceiling, wondering what on earth her parents would think when they saw Duke Godwin wandering out the front door. Whether they would stop him and ask him why he was leaving so soon. And what he might say to them in reply. How angry they would be with her...but no, they could not be mad at her.
She had wanted to court Duke Godwin on his own all along. She had not wanted to see any other suitors from the point where Duke Godwin displayed serious interest in her. It had been at their insistence that she had broadened her options. And now it had turned out to be a mistake. She kicked off her shoes and listened to them echo unceremoniously on the wooden floorboards.
Far from worrying what they would think of the situation and how angry they would be, now she was beginning to acknowledge her own anger with them. After all, she had trusted them. She had expected them to know what to do, how to win over Duke Godwin. And they had not. Of course, they had not known. Just like when they were putting on an act to impress people at a party, they had been trying to give her the impression that they were wise and experienced. But they were not—not in this matter. Duke Haskett was probably the first Duke they had ever met, making Duke Godwin the second. And yet they acted like an authority on the matter?
She sighed heavily. She could not stay angry at them forever, she knew that much. But she vowed never to trust them so blindly again. From now on, she would have to use her own judgement.
A knock sounded at the door. “Who is it?” she asked, still staring at the ceiling.
“Are you alright, dear?” Lady Byrd asked.
“Come in, mother,” Antoinette replied.
“Honey, put your shoes back on and sit up, you look most undignified,” was the first thing Lady Byrd said as she walked into the drawing room, closing the door softly behind her. Antoinette could hear from her tone of voice that she wanted to be reassuring.
“I...” Antoinette began before shaking her head and sitting up to reach for her shoes. She knew there was no point actively rebelling against her mother on this matter. What good would it do? Who would it help? She smiled. “I think I'm alright.”
Lady Byrd nodded and sat down beside Antoinette as she began to put her shoes back on. “I am sorry about Duke Godwin,” she said.
Antoinette nodded. “I thought he was no longer interested anyway.” She paused. “So it is no great loss.”
“He is a Duke, you are bound to feel a little disappointed,” Lady Byrd replied. “But I need you to know it isn't your fault.”
Antoinette nodded. She knew it wasn't her fault. It was theirs. The thought suddenly struck her that perhaps he
r mother wasn't there to comfort her...but to reassure herself. Perhaps her mother needed to feel that she had made the right decision.
Antoinette smiled as best she could. “I know, mother. These things happen. Men like Duke Godwin...they have many options. For the one woman they choose to wed, there will be hundreds disappointed, no doubt.”
Lady Byrd nodded. “I am glad that you understand.” She rested a hand on Antoinette's shoulder and squeezed it gently. “Christmas will soon be upon us, there is much to do to keep your mind busy,” Lady Byrd said with a soft smile.
Antoinette nodded. “Yes, I suppose it will.”
“Is there anything else we can do to take your mind off this...unpleasant business?” Lady Byrd asked softly.
“I think I ought to see Mary...She will understand,” Antoinette replied. “She has experienced some disappointment and frustration of her own on her path to marriage. And yet now she is happily wed. I hope she shall have some things to say which may restore my faith and my courage a little.”
“Very well, we shall go visit her,” Lady Byrd replied, squeezing Antoinette's shoulder again. “I shall find my coat.”
Fortunately, Mary and Duke Haskett were still at Duke Godwin's mansion. It felt peculiar, approaching a building which belonged to the very man who had just rejected her, but she needed to see Mary and talk about her thoughts, her feelings, and, above all, her frustrations with her parents. For a minute after ringing the doorbell, she felt a shiver of dread. What if Duke Godwin were home? What if he thought she had come back to beg his forgiveness?
But her fears were eased when Duke Haskett's butler opened the door. Having confirmed that Duke Godwin was not in the building, Antoinette was escorted to see Mary, whilst Lady Byrd had tea with Duke Haskett and his aunt, who was visiting, in the drawing room.
Having listened to everything Antoinette had to say, Mary sighed and shook her head. “These matters are difficult...Ordinarily, I would ask you what to do and yet...”
Antoinette nodded. “I understand, but this is far beyond my own experiences and even my imagination. I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that it would be difficult, if not impossible, to win Duke Godwin back. And even if I could, would I wish that? I do not know what would make me happy.”
Mary nodded back and mulled it over a little. “I suppose, harsh though it may sound, that is not the point.”
“What is not the point?” Antoinette rolled her eyes.
“Your happiness,” Mary replied. “Think of your sister. She is chasing her happiness and not only is she profoundly unhappy, she is acting in an ungodly manner and bringing pain and suffering to the rest of the family. Chasing happiness does not work. You need to pursue what is right.”
“But...what if I do not know what is right?” Antoinette asked. “What if there is no right option?”
“In God's plan there is always a right option somewhere.” It was typical of Mary to be so optimistic. “I suppose...if you can't see it then it just hasn't become clear yet. Maybe your right option hasn't even appeared? You could meet a man tomorrow who makes you forget all about Duke Godwin. Someone who is right for you and for your family.”
Antoinette nodded. “I suppose you are right...”
“Duke Godwin didn't exactly seem happy this morning either,” Mary added, shaking her head. “I hadn't guessed this was what it was, but it makes a lot more sense to me now.”
“He was here?” Antoinette's back seemed to perk straight up.
Mary nodded. “Yes. He needed to speak to Christopher...but neither of them told me what about. And then he left. He seemed most upset. Perhaps he thought you were the right choice for him?”
Antoinette paused. “Do you think...” she began. “Do you think Duke Haskett could tell me what Duke Godwin said?”
Mary shrugged. “He would not tell me, but if it will put your mind at ease, perhaps he has some answers for you.” She stood up and straightened her skirts and her hair. “Please, wait here. I shall ask him if he will talk to you.”
Antoinette leaned back on the sofa and pondered what Mary had said. She knew she could do to talk with Duke Haskett, but she also knew she needed time to work on things herself. Mary was right, after all. Duke Godwin could be the right man for her and her family...but what if he was not? What if someone else was destined to be her husband? Could she interfere with destiny by pursuing something that was not meant to be? Or was destiny something you could not interfere with?
As she heard the door open, she sat back upright as dignified as could be. “Miss Byrd, Mary says you wish to speak with me,” said Duke Haskett as he walked towards the chair.
Antoinette nodded. “I do. I would like to know...How is Duke Godwin after...you know?” Antoinette asked.
“He is heartbroken,” Duke Haskett replied.
Antoinette had not expected this. “Heartbroken? Surely not...he is the one who—”
“Yes, and it broke his heart to do it,” Duke Haskett said. “He really thought that you two would make a wonderful couple, and it broke his heart when he knew that it could not be.”
“Oh, I see...” Antoinette looked down at her feet.
“Is there anything else you wish to ask?” Duke Haskett inquired.
Antoinette shook her head. “No...you have given me much to ponder.”
As she and her mother said their goodbyes and set off back home, Antoinette was now even more torn. Now she knew that there was a chance of her winning Duke Godwin over again, it made matters so much more complicated. She felt the pain and regret of rejection. But she felt it not for herself, but for her family, who loved and admired and needed Duke Godwin so much. She, herself, had accepted when Duke Godwin vanished without a trace. And she wanted to be in a relationship which truly inspired passion in her.
She had believed Mary when she had said that things would end up as fate intended. But now she had to ask herself whether fate truly intended her to marry Duke Godwin. Because he wanted her, but he rejected her. And she was not sure she wanted him, yet she accepted and invited him.
At home, she sat down for supper with her parents and found herself hounded for answers. What had she said to him? And him to her? Did she want to see him again and address her concerns? It was abundantly clear that they were, indeed, bothered by Duke Godwin's sudden disappearance, and wanted desperately for him to become her suitor again.
“What did Duke Haskett say of Duke Godwin?” Lord Byrd asked.
Antoinette hesitated. What ought she reply? She knew that an honest response would give them hope, but did she want them to be hopeful? Or did she want to let this courtship burn down to its embers, and turn, eventually, to cold ash? She was not sure anymore. She shook her head. “Just the same as I already knew.”
Her father looked a little disappointed. “Very well...I may talk to him myself.”
Antoinette paused and shook her head. “Perhaps we ought to give him some time? He feels genuinely betrayed by the presence of other suitors.”
Her mother pursed her lips. “And yet, here you are, in need of those other suitors.”
“Only because they were there in the first place. Perhaps, were it not for them, Duke Godwin would still be interested?” Antoinette suggested.
Her mother shook her head. “We cannot make our life decisions based on perhapses, Antoinette. We must act with care an consideration. We must make sure that we do not commit too soon to something which may not suit us too well.”
“Do you not believe Duke Godwin suits me?” Antoinette asked.
“Of course he does. But does he suit you best? I do not yet know,” Lady Byrd insisted.
Lord Byrd, who had remained silent, coughed a little and turned to face Lady Byrd. “I do believe Antoinette has a point, dear. Do they not say that it is the early bird which gets the worm? It is possible that Antoinette has missed her worm, so to speak, for dallying.”
“I am of the firm belief that any man who genuinely wishes to marry any woman will stop at no
thing to spend more time with her, regardless of whether or not she has other suitors,” Lady Byrd replied slightly indignantly. “And if Duke Godwin has not even told Duke Haskett, his close friend, of any passions he still has for Antoinette, then perhaps he has none.”
Again, Antoinette wondered whether to tell them what Duke Haskett had said. After all, it was abundantly clear that she still stood a chance with Duke Godwin. But did she even want to stand a chance with him? The more time she gave to herself to think about it, the less certain she felt. She had not had enough time to get to know him as a person. She had seen some big displays, but was that enough? Surely not.
As her parents continued to politely argue their own points, she excused herself and made her way upstairs, to get ready for bed.
But there was too much on her mind for her to even consider sleep. Still fully dressed, she sat on the edge of her bed and tried to make sense of all the conflicting arguments in her mind. The thought struck her that the reason there were so many conflicting arguments was because they were not her arguments. They were all arguments presented by other people, and all these people had a vested interest in the outcome they supported. Her sister believed it was her moral duty to save her from marriage; her cousin believed it was her moral duty to promote marriage. Her mother wished for her to select the best option from a vast number of suitors, and her father wished for her to lock down a Duke as soon as possible. Duke Godwin wished to be the centre of her universe, as did every other one of her suitors.
Everyone was telling her to do something which benefited them, directly or indirectly, and proved them right. None of them was actually considering how the outcomes might affect Antoinette personally. No wonder her mind was such a blur.
