by Abby Ayles
“A surprise? I suppose so. You see, your parents invited me, but asked me not to tell you,” he said, blushing a little bit himself.
Antoinette glared at her mother slightly but then forced a smile. “I must assume you have forgiven me,” she said.
Duke Godwin nodded. “Indeed, I have.” He offered his arm. “Come, let your mother greet the guests. We have much to talk of.”
Antoinette was hesitant. She knew that he was still interested in her. She knew that society as a whole expected her to choose him. But she did not know if she wanted to put him ahead of all her other suitors yet.
“You run along, I will greet the guests,” Lady Byrd replied.
That meant her choice had been made for her. She could not insult the Duke by going against both his and her mother's wishes. She slipped her hand gently onto his arm and, smiling, they joined the crowd.
“I must admit, I did not believe you would return after how you left me,” Antoinette said, avoiding eye contact.
Duke Godwin hummed in an affirmative tone. “Yes, I suppose I was a little abrupt. It is only that...I am not used to being treated like one of many. I am used to standing out, and being treated with priority. It was a little shocking to me that someone would not treat me that way.”
“Then why have you returned?” Antoinette asked.
“Because you fascinate me. Nobody has ever rejected me before, and I suppose what you did was not a true rejection, but that you were even considering other options makes me curious. You do not think or act as other women have done. They desperately wanted to be my wives. But their desperation was offensive to me. You are the opposite, and that is very, very interesting,” Duke Godwin explained.
Antoinette nodded. Once again, she found herself in an awkward position. Duke Godwin's attraction to her was undeniable, but if he were telling the truth then what he was attracted to was not real. He was attracted to the confused version of her he only saw because her parents kept interfering and making a mess of events. And if that was the woman he was interested in, then he could not marry Antoinette, because that was not who she was.
However, she also knew that she was expected to choose the man with the greatest status and wealth. And that was definitely Duke Godwin. Sir Dodge could not hold a candle to Duke Godwin when it came to social standards, and everyone else at the ball came in a very distant third. Duke Godwin would allow her to live a good life, and support her family. But could she marry him in good conscience, knowing that he intended to marry an illusion, someone who did not reflect who she truly was?
She needed more time to think these matters over. Fortunately, Sir Dodge was quietly seething by the Wassail table.
“I am sorry, Duke Godwin, but I must mingle. It is my ball, after all, I am sure you understand.” She smiled as she released his arm. She could tell from the expression on his face that he did not want her to leave. But he could not say anything, after all, she was hosting the event. He had done the same thing to her at his own party.
He smiled. “Very well, I shall see you anon.”
She curtsied and walked off into the crowd, making a slow arch around to the Wassail table. Having stopped to greet a few people and ask them how they were enjoying the ball so far, she was concerned that Sir Dodge would have vanished into the background. But he was still there, looking a little sour. This almost put Antoinette off going to talk to him. She did not expect her men to act like petulant children. She expected them to act like...men.
And yet she decided to walk up to him anyway. Not only was he her only other serious suitor, but she felt that, much like Duke Godwin could not be judged for being haughty, Sir Dodge could not be judged for being immature. It was easy to forget that he was barely a year older than her, and raised with the same silver spoon in his mouth, if not even more lavishly. He had not had much life experience yet in which to mature. Antoinette herself was still childish in many ways and always growing. So why should she not give Sir Dodge the same opportunity she gave herself?
“Good evening, Sir Dodge,” she said with a deep curtsy. “I trust you are enjoying the party?”
He nodded and smiled. “There are a few people I know, but I was waiting for you. I thought you would greet me at the door, what with us courting.”
Antoinette nodded. “I should have, and I apologize, but hosting a party has its unexpected turns.”
“At any rate, I have a gift for you,” Sir Dodge took a small box out of his pocket and opened it before her.
The rubies in the necklace shone brightly. Antoinette's jaw almost dropped before she remembered to carry herself with decorum. Instead, she took a deep breath. “They are lovely,” she said. She knew better than to reject a gift like this. It would insult him to suggest she did not like it, or he could not afford it. She had to accept.
“I believe rubies suit you. At least you wear them often. And look, they will go with your dress,” he smiled.
Antoinette reached up and took off her little gold chain, dropping it in her bosom, before reaching for the necklace.
Sir Dodge pulled the box away with a slight smirk. “Allow me,” he insisted.
Antoinette felt a little anxious allowing Sir Dodge to fasten the ruby necklace around her neck. She could feel him caressing her shoulders as he did so, and once he stroked her hair. He was taking his sweet time, and she knew full well he only did so to touch her. But she did not wish to cause a scene, and he was doing no real harm. Besides, in the eyes of the public, he was “simply” fastening an expensive necklace he had bought her. She knew that she would be considered in the wrong were she to react.
She sighed in slight relief as the necklace was finally done up and resting heavily on her chest. Her fingers traced over it a few times. “They are perfect. You are a generous, and thoughtful man.”
Sir Dodge also seemed a little relieved about this. “Now you look the part as hostess. Come, I shall introduce you to a few interesting people.” He offered his hand.
Daintily, Antoinette placed her hand on his, and he began taking her around the room, looking this way and that for someone to introduce her too. It all seemed rather forced.
“I simply...I wish for you to enjoy the company of my acquaintances,” he said with a shrug. “And, I suppose, for you to see the sort of person I socialize with.” He smiled at her. For some reason, the smile looked cold and forced.
Her absence at the door had made him genuinely unhappy. He and Duke Godwin...they truly were two of a kind. They were both the sort of man who wanted her entirely to themselves, who were jealous and picky and believed the universe revolved around them. Duke Godwin did so due to his status keeping any unpleasantness away from him. Sir Dodge did so due to his youth and inexperience. But both saw Antoinette as an item to be owned and commanded. Both were too possessive and too sullen at times for her liking.
But Sir Dodge more than redeemed himself. Walking her around the room, he introduced her to his acquaintances. She saw a whole new side to Sir Dodge as he mingled. A genuine side. He seemed much more relaxed around his friends, much warmer, much more himself. What she could not comprehend was...Why was he not like this with her?
It seemed to Antoinette that the decision was murkier than ever. Sir Dodge still had the sort of presence which made her uncomfortable. He may be the life of the party for everyone else, but for her, the one woman he ought to admire and love and entertain, he was flat and dry. And yet despite all his flaws, he was generous and lively, and well-connected. He was a truly romantic soul with all the right people in his address book. And he may not have as much wealth or status as Duke Godwin yet, but with his youth and talents, he was sure to rise up the social ranks.
Duke Godwin, on the other hand, exuded charisma. He was brave and friendly and warm and generally an amazing person to be around. And yet he was so self-absorbed and distracted. At his own ball it made sense that his eyes would wander and he would be focusing on himself and his own appearance. But even at a ball held by someo
ne else, he acted as though It were his job to look good. And although in many ways it was his job, Antoinette was unsure she could bear to live with a man who was continually peacocking. And yet...he was still a charmer, still vastly wealthy, and still a Duke.
They had both so far passed the test of being rejected by her on the floor, but barely so. Both had proven themselves able to overlook her absence, whilst obviously resentful of her freedom. Neither was a bad option, but both were far from perfect.
Pondering how best to tell them apart, Antoinette landed on the key to her own happiness: she needed a man who could make her feel prized as well as support her family. And both men, in their own way, were managing it. But one would surely stand out. She decided that she would dance with them and, during the intimacy of the dance, she would talk to them about a woman's place in the home, and a man's place in his wife's family. The one whose answers showed he would treasure her and support her family would win her over. The other would have to look elsewhere.
Antoinette made her excuses to an obviously bitter Sir Dodge and went to the bathroom to freshen up, gather her courage, and rehearse a few lines she would try out on each man. Once she felt confident, she marched out and to the middle of the dining hall.
Silence slowly fell over the party, other than the sounds of footsteps as anyone who was not in the hall quickly rushed in to see what was about to happen.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to my Christmas ball,” Antoinette announced. “This is the first event I have held on my own, but I trust it will not be the last. And next time, the Lord allowing, I shall hold one beside my husband. However, for now, what is a ball without dancing? Please, done your masks, and clear the floor if you will not dance, as the music is about to begin. I bid you all a wonderful evening.”
She ended her small speech with a curtsy. There was slight applause before the music started and people began moving this way and that, with those who wished to dance marching out to the centre, and those who did not movde to the sides, or left the room entirely.
As the dance began, Antoinette found her mask, determined to divide her time equally between her two serious suitors. She had intended to begin with Duke Godwin, but Sir Dodge found her first and bowed down. “May I have this dance?” he asked. His voice sounded smooth as honey. And yet so completely void of emotion.
“You may.”
Chapter 20
Sir Dodge's dancing was as beautiful as his gestures and his words. He moved as gracefully as the women, yet was an expert with the men's steps and guided Antoinette with a strong hand. She found herself laughing with sheer delight at how wonderful it was to dance with him.
“You dance so beautifully,” she remarked. “Perhaps you ought to do it professionally. If there is such a thing as a professional ballroom dancer...”
“I do not need to be a professional anything,” Sir Dodge replied with a chuckle. “I have more than enough to keep me going.”
Antoinette nodded. “Most true, but surely there is much satisfaction that comes with growing one's wealth, and supporting one's family?”
Sir Dodge shrugged. “I suppose for some...But I prefer to look after my household, and my wealth grows more than enough to support me. And to support you also, do not worry,” he added with a smile.
“But what if I were to need new dresses, or wish to travel to France a few months to study French?” Antoinette asked.
“Then the money will be there for you,” Sir Dodge replied with a smile. “You can have all that you wish for when you are my wife.”
Antoinette nodded. “Let us not get too ahead of ourselves...”
Sir Dodge looked obviously irked by her refusal to let him call her his future wife, but that was not her biggest concern. From what he was saying, it was abundantly clear that he had no concern for the extended family. Not only that, but he had little or no work ethic. Were she to marry Sir Dodge, he would not be willing or able to help with her family's financial predicament. But he presented no objection to her suggestion she may wish to travel. And a man who would allow her such freedom as to live in France would surely allow her all the freedoms her rebellious heart desired. He had passed one test but failed another.
Catching Duke Godwin's eye across the room, Antoinette knew the time had come to swap partners and see if her second suitor could outdo her first. As the dance came to an end, she smiled, curtsied, and made her excuses. This matter of testing men was not as difficult as she had feared. In fact, they seemed quite open to revealing themselves when offered the chance. Sir Dodge had been almost as eager to reveal his true self as she had been to discover it.
As soon as she took Duke Godwin's hand, the mood among the unattached young men changed. Many had probably only come to catch her eye. Seeing that the Duke was interested in her once again must have dashed their hopes. After all, how could they compare with him?
He, however, was less assured of his position. “I see you are still seeing Sir Dodge,” he remarked.
“I am,” replied Antoinette as he guided her out into the floor. She wondered whether she ought to add anything else, but she opted against it. If it was a problem for him, then he should not have returned. And if it was not, then he should not have remarked.
“I suppose I shall come to terms with that,” Duke Godwin said, “I only hope you do not believe the same applies to marriage.”
Antoinette laughed a little. “Marriage and courtship are two very different things. If they were not, then why would we have courtship in the first place?”
Duke Godwin was silent as the next dance began. “It is rare that a woman outwits me,” he finally said. “You have the brains to match your beauty.”
“I hope I do. I would very much like to travel to France and learn French,” she replied, seizing her opportunity.
Duke Godwin seemed perplexed. “Why would you want to do such a thing? You can get a French tutor here in England,” he replied.
“I would like to learn authentic French,” Antoinette pressed further.
“Then you can hire an authentic French tutor,” he said with a slight laugh. “I cannot make sense of modern women's fascination with travel. It is far too dangerous, even somewhere as civilized as France has its hurdles. A woman needs to stay home, where she is needed, loved, and treasured,” he insisted.
Antoinette bit back a frustrated groan and forced herself to smile. “I suppose you do have a point,” she said, “besides, I would not like to be too far from my family. What if they need me?”
“Exactly,” Duke Godwin replied. “You may be able to travel with your husband and children, even with your pets. But every time you pack up and go somewhere new, there are countless people you leave behind you. Your brothers and sisters, cousins, parents, friends...No, home is a much better place for a young woman.”
Antoinette continued dancing with him in silence. Now she was trapped again. In some ways, she wished that Duke Godwin had been as reluctant to help her family as Sir Dodge was. Or that Sir Dodge had been as restrictive towards her as Duke Godwin. At least then there would have been a clear choice. But now she had retrieved an answer for each question from each man, she found that each passed one test and failed the other.
Were she to marry Sir Dodge, her life would be carefree. But could she live a carefree life knowing he was unwilling and unable to care for her family in their time of need? And what would happen to her carefree lifestyle if Sir Dodge had the same troubles which John Campbell had experienced? After all, much like John, Sir Dodge had no reserve of wealth and a reluctance to work.
Duke Godwin was the obvious choice to support her family. And yet...She would be unhappy. Her family would be safely provided for thanks to Duke Godwin's wealth and generosity. Even if he were to lose all his fortune somehow, she had seen that he was a man of action, willing to put his very life on the line when called for. But she would have to give up a part of who she truly was in marrying him.
Either way, she was about
to mirror her sister in some way or another. She could put herself at risk of becoming a drain on her family or put herself at risk of repressive misery. Which was precisely what she was afraid of.
Normally a party like this would uplift her. All the dancing, drinking, talking...It was usually invigorating for her to experience it. Especially in the company of eligible men.
But Antoinette was beginning to find it all rather exhausting. Her mind was completely and utterly consumed by her fears. And the presence of her suitors, which would have been comforting at any other time, was just making her feel worse by the minute.
“I am sorry,” she said to Duke Godwin at the end of the song, releasing his hand, “I need to make sure all my guests are doing well.” She smiled as sweetly as she could.
She could tell he wanted to complain as she vanished into the crowd, but he would not. That was the one upside of him callously ignoring her at his own party: Now he could not criticize her for leaving him at her ball. It was a brilliant excuse. And if that was what it took to get the fresh air she needed, then she was going to use it.
Exiting onto the balcony, she looked up at the stars. Could it really have been written into fate which she would marry? Because from her perspective it all seemed very random. Both of them were equal, yet different. Both options were viable, yet for both she would sacrifice some happiness. She knew in her mind that Duke Godwin was the moral and godly choice...but was that man really the person she was fated to marry? If only fate could tell her what it wanted. If only it could give her a sign, let her know everything was alright...
“Good evening,” a voice said from down in the gardens.
Antoinette startled a little, standing bolt upright and attempting to look as dignified as possible before realizing that the figure standing in the light cast by the windows was none other than Mr. Perry. “Thank goodness it's just you,” she sighed.
“I know, I know...just little old me,” he replied with a smirk.
