by Abby Ayles
“You know exactly what I mean, now do not treat it as an insult or it will become one,” Antoinette insisted, shaking her head and yet still smiling. Why was she still smiling? She couldn't seem to stop. “What happened to Lucy?” Antoinette asked, looking out into the dark, up and down, not seeing anyone else there.
“Oh, she's talking with some friends, so I decided to take a stroll in the gardens. Where are your noble suitors?” Mr. Perry asked.
Antoinette shook her head. “I have cruelly abandoned them. I needed some fresh air.”
Mr. Perry nodded. “I understand, we used to hold the odd party at my home when I was a boy. It was always exhausting having to handle the guests. I cannot imagine what it must be like to manage guests and suitors at once.”
“It is very much like having to play croquet and drink something at the same time,” Antoinette replied, “in that you can do both at once, but never simultaneously, and you always end up doing more of one than the other.”
“A very peculiar, yet appropriate analogy,” Mr. Perry remarked. “Have they much impressed you tonight?”
Antoinette shrugged a little before remembering that it was probably not considered polite to be indifferent to one's suitors. “Duke Godwin is his usual self, which I cannot complain about. I know what I ought to expect from him. And Sir Dodge has been introducing me to some of his friends.”
“That sounds awfully dull,” Mr. Perry replied.
Antoinette shook her head. “Not at all. I adore meeting new people. And he seemed so happy to be around them. It was pleasant.”
“Is that so? Well, please...allow me to introduce...Mr. Shrub,” he said with a flourish, waving his hand to the hedge.
Antoinette burst into laughter, clapping her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound. Why had she laughed like that? It made no sense. She shook her head at her own foolishness.
But even from where she was she could see the glimmer of mischief in Mr. Perry's eyes that seemed to say, “So you do not wish to laugh? Let's make a game of it.”
He bowed low to the hedge before standing up again and acting shocked. “Why, Mrs. Flower is here also. Antoinette, have you met Mrs. Flower? She is very temperamental but very beautiful. Everyone admires her, yet I know for a fact she will age horribly.” He spoke the last sentence in a whisper, as though it were some great secret.
Antoinette giggled again but managed to stop herself from laughing improperly. “Please, Mr. Perry,” she said, shaking her head, “you're making a fool of yourself.”
“A fool? I'll show you a fool, you haven't even heard me sing,” he said.
“You're only embarrassing yourself,” she insisted.
“Why are you so red, then?” he asked with a grin. “I think you, the hostess, are terribly ashamed that you may be caught out here with this ridiculous madman. I think I ought to sing to calm your nerves.”
“Very well, sing,” Antoinette demanded. “If you think you can embarrass me, you are most mistaken.” She raised her chin in defiance.
“I suppose a love song would not be appropriate, but I have some very, very bad carols,” he suggested.
“Let me hear them,” Antoinette replied, lowering her chin and stifling another giggle.
Mr. Perry took a deep bow. “As you wish, my Lady. While shepherds watched their flocks by night, all seated on the ground...”
As he sang, Antoinette saw that he did not have Sir Dodge's fineness, nor Duke Godwin's sense of dignity. It was clear Mr. Perry knew he was singing off key, and not even consistently off-key, but in a wavering tone of someone searching for the right sound...not knowing what the right sound actually was. And yet...she listened. She listened and smiled.
Somehow, standing there on the balcony listening to him sing a carol—and terribly—she felt alive. She felt invigorated by his song and comforted by his presence. And, looking down at him in her gardens, as he tried to entertain her and be good company, she felt like royalty. As the hostess, she had been made to feel more like a servant all night. But Mr. Perry allowed her to be the princess she always dreamed of being, if just for a few minutes.
“Did you like it?” Mr. Perry asked.
“It was terrible,” Antoinette said trying to hide her smile.
Their eyes locked and Mr. Perry smiled softly before abruptly breaking eye contact, a deep blush creeping up his face. “I suppose we ought to return indoors,” Mr. Perry said. “Shall we dance?”
For an instant, Antoinette considered going back in and dancing with him. But then she shook her head. It would deliver the wrong message. “No...you and I are not...Besides, I have guests to—”
“I understand,” he replied. “It was worth asking though.”
Antoinette nodded. “Go find Lucy, she is a lovely young woman.”
“She is, she is...” Mr. Perry grinned as he said this. “Thank you for writing to her parents for me. I would never have dreamed I could court such a lovely young woman. Not without your help.”
“What are friends for?” Antoinette said. “See you inside perhaps. If I can tear myself away from the other guests for long enough.”
“Don't worry,” said Mr. Perry, “enjoy the ball.” And with that, he wandered back inside leaving Antoinette staring out towards her new friend...Mr. Shrub.
She allowed herself to blush and laughed out loud now that no one could hear her.
Chapter 21
The ball had gone quite well, Antoinette thought. At least, everyone had left satisfied and giving her compliments. Her mother had a different take.
“Well yes, it was a success,” Lady Byrd agreed, “but you cannot discern that from compliments alone. People will compliment anything to your face.”
“Then how do you know it was a success?” Antoinette asked, stifling a yawn and wondering whether she should sleep in a little the next morning to make up for the late night.
“Because only three people left early,” Lady Byrd replied. “When people are not enjoying themselves they will find any excuse to leave, and will often leave in groups. However most stayed until the end of the ball, so you know that they were having a wonderful time.”
Antoinette nodded. “I hadn't thought of it that way,” she said, not managing to hold back her yawn this time.
“Now, I believe it is time for bed,” Lady Byrd said with a smile.
Antoinette nodded. “It is,” she agreed, “I am exhausted.”
“Hosting a ball is exhausting. I saw you on the balcony for a while,” Lady Byrd said as they began to make their way upstairs. “Were you alright?”
Antoinette wondered whether she ought to confess who she was talking to. But why worry her mother by telling her? She shrugged. “I was simply wondering which of my two suitors is the best.”
Lady Byrd smiled and nodded. “You did a fantastic job tonight. You deserve the best suitor, whoever he is.”
Antoinette nodded back. “Goodnight mother.”
As she closed her bedroom door and began undressing, Mr. Perry remained stuck in her mind. She knew full well she should not have the relationship she had with him. They were too close, too friendly. Her mother would not understand her friendship with the man. She would see it as suspicious.
But was it not suspicious?
After all, why had she even considered dancing with him? And why was it that he had made her laugh so much when she was feeling so down? How did he give her the energy she needed to carry on?
The realization slowly dawned on her. Of course, Mr. Perry made her feel better, happier, revitalized...he wanted to make her happy. He held no vested interest in seducing her, had no need to impress her or to make her think he was something he was not. He did all that he did for her because it made her happy, and for no other reason.
Now she began to understand why she had kept her meetings with Mr. Perry so secretive. She had been telling herself it was just because she did not want to be judged for keeping a male friend. But that was a lie. She loved him. She had loved him all
along. No great, passionate, fairytale love. But enough love to feel guilty about. Enough love to be worried about who might find out.
Antoinette sighed. It could not be. It could not happen. Mr. Perry was not the right man for her to marry. He did not have anywhere near the ideal amount of status or wealth to provide her and her family with what they needed. And what good would it be to be happy and poor? Could she be happy and poor? After all, her sister, who had once dearly loved her husband, was now deeply dissatisfied with her marriage, and that was largely down to financial problems. Mary could not bear the idea of becoming a similar burden on her parents.
No. She loved Mr. Perry, but life would go on without him. She did not love him so much that it would make a difference. She would marry Duke Godwin and make sure her family was safe and provided for.
But...was that what fate wanted? Was that her destiny? She loved Mr. Perry. Would fate be so cruel to her? Or was it possible she was making a mistake?
She considered going to talk to Mr. Perry about her confusion. But for what? To cause trouble? He was the very subject of said confusion. The very purpose of visiting him for advice was to talk to someone who was not invested, who did not care for the outcome other than her happiness. She could not involve him in making a decision where the outcome could affect him.
It was not Mr. Perry's fault she felt this way. It was her own. She had let her guard down after both her suitors had disappointed her. Yes, that must be it. She had been let down by Sir Dodge and by Duke Godwin, so she had sought solace in a man who could not disappoint her. And she would not make that mistake again.
But the answer did not completely satisfy her.
Antoinette did not sleep that night. She lay awake, wondering what she could possibly do.
As the sun rose and shone through her window, she still felt no closer to deciding on a suitor. Not only did she have the difficult task of choosing between a man who would care for her but not her family, and a man who would care for her family but not her, but now she had to acknowledge she was falling in love with a man who lacked the means to care for either.
She needed to talk to someone level-headed, who understood the situation and could direct her to a solution which would produce the most beneficial results.
Her parents could not, under any circumstances, find out about the doubts she was having. Mr. Perry could not be asked for advice on this matter. Going to see Lucy was out of the question also. Which left her with...Mary. Not the ideal choice, but better than nobody. She knew what Mary's advice would be, of course. She knew what everyone's advice would be. But she needed the conversation more than she needed to confirm her solution.
Thankfully, Mary was still staying at Duke Godwin's house, and Duke Haskett seemed to be out, making it the perfect time to talk to her. Sitting in the front room, Antoinette felt distinctly nervous, and found herself eyeing the door and the window. She knew that if Duke Haskett, as Duke Godwin's friend, were to overhear her, he would be outraged. And that eventually it would make its way back to Duke Godwin. She could not afford that.
“Did you enjoy the ball? I didn't see you all night,” Antoinette said.
Mary nodded. “It was lovely. But I suspect that is not the main reason for this visit. You look tense.”
Antoinette nodded. “I am...I am having some difficulty coming to terms with the decision I must make.”
“But you know which decision is right?” Mary replied.
“I know which decision would best suit my family,” Antoinette said, “which I suppose must be the one to choose.”
Mary nodded. “But you are having doubts about whether it would suit you? I had that also. I was fortunate in that eventually the right option for me and my family turned out to be the same. Perhaps there is an option that would suit both you and your family?”
Antoinette shook her head. “My options are one that will cater to me but not my family, one which will cater to my family's needs but not mine...and one that will do neither, but make me happy.”
“If your needs are not met, and your family's needs are not met, then your happiness will not last long,” Mary replied.
Antoinette nodded. “I know. And I suppose that is what I needed to hear.”
Footsteps sounded down the hallway and Antoinette shook her head at Mary. “Let us talk about more pleasant things. What did you do at the ball? Who did you see?”
Mary smiled and nodded. “A few friends. Lucy was there with a pleasant young man. I think you know him from somewhere? They seemed to be enjoying themselves.”
Antoinette did not have time to respond, as the door opened and both men came walking in. One was naturally Duke Haskett, looking a little red in the face from his walk. The other made Antoinette's nerves leap into action. It was Duke Godwin. Antoinette knew this was his home, or one of his houses at least, but she had become so familiar with seeing Mary and Duke Haskett there that she had nearly forgotten. She smiled politely.
“Paying us a visit? So soon?” Duke Godwin remarked.
Antoinette nodded. “Actually I came to see Mary, though, so I suppose I shall be taking my leave.”
“Please, do stay for a late breakfast,” Mary insisted. Antoinette locked eyes with her and Mary's expression was telling. She knew who Antoinette meant by the decision which would suit her family, and she probably thought she was helping.
For a moment she considered rejecting it. But then she thought again. Mary didn't think she was helping. Mary was helping. They both knew that Duke Godwin was the best option for Antoinette, and now they both knew that she had her doubts. But her doubts would not change the fact that Duke Godwin was the only suitor she had who was willing and able to provide for her and her family. Her feelings would not change the fact that she needed to endear herself to him and win a proposal from him as soon as possible, to secure her future.
“Breakfast sounds lovely,” Antoinette replied, glancing at Duke Godwin.
Duke Godwin grinned. He knew what was happening as well. For all his little faults, he genuinely did seem to love her and desire her. And he would make her family proud, happy, and safe. And seeing her family be happy would bring Antoinette much joy of her own.
Antoinette could see what Mary was doing. And in many ways, she appreciated it. Sitting down to breakfast, she listened to everything Duke Godwin had to say. She tried to find more things she enjoyed about his company. He was passionate about almost everything he spoke of, and always seemed to have an opinion. And she did appreciate that passion. But somehow it paled in comparison to Mr. Perry's liveliness and sweetness.
She could not dismiss him from her mind.
“Say, what were you doing on the balcony last night?” Duke Godwin asked.
Antoinette shrugged. “Just getting a little fresh air to calm my nerves. Hosting my first ball was quite the experience,” she replied.
Duke Godwin nodded. “You seemed to be talking to someone.”
“A friend of the family,” Antoinette said, a little too hastily and a little too nervously.
Duke Godwin seemed suddenly pale. For a moment, Antoinette feared it was something she had said or done, that she had insulted him somehow and left him angry or confused. He lifted his hand to his head.
“Oh, I am sorry. Was it something I said?” she asked.
He shook his head. “No. It is not you. I don't feel very...well.” And just like that, he collapsed.
Antoinette could not help herself from letting out a shriek of panic. Duke Haskett leapt to Duke Godwin's side. Mary rushed to send someone for a doctor. There was a flurry of activity and, for want of a nearby servant, Duke Haskett asked Antoinette to help him move Duke Godwin to a chaise longue by the fire.
Antoinette did not think. The social repercussions of the actions, or the physical stress of carrying a man's limp body, did not cross her mind. She simply acted, using all her strength to lift Duke Godwin under the arms, steadying his head as Duke Haskett seized his hips, bearing most of the weight.
In a couple of steps Duke Godwin was in the chaise longue, and Duke Haskett was removing his waistcoat and shirt, to help him get more air.
Suddenly coming back to reality, Antoinette turned around, blushing slightly. She had never before seen a man with his shirt undone, let alone removed. And Duke Godwin was definitely the sort of man described in her romance books, with a large strong torso, defined muscles, and more than a little chest hair. Between the panic of his collapse and the sight of his naked chest, she found it difficult to think straight, and made her way to a chair where she collapsed.
It had barely been a few seconds before Duke Haskett demanded her attention once again. “We do not have enough servants here to assist, you must help,” he insisted.
Antoinette nodded and made her way back over to the unconscious body of her most desired suitor. Duke Haskett passed her a rag which was soaked and wet.
“His skin is hot to the touch and red, and he is sweating heavily. You must continue to wipe his face and chest with this as I massage his chest and stomach. We are his only hope until the doctor arrives,” Duke Haskett explained.
The seriousness of the situation once again made her forget social norms. This was not a half-naked suitor, but a man in desperate need of medical attention. Dutifully, she began wiping his body down as Duke Haskett massaged and compressed his chest. Every time she spied a bead of sweat or a flush of red she would gently wipe it away before refreshing the rag in the water jug Duke Haskett had taken from the table.
It was a terrifying thing, to see such a great man fall. He was big and strong and important. And although he was not as young as her, he was still by far too young to die of natural causes yet. His body was shaking, and she wondered whether, despite the redness and sweating, he was actually too cold. But she continued wiping him down and watching his face for signs of consciousness.
Before long Duke Godwin's eyes fluttered open. His face, other than his cheeks, was pale, and his eyes were glassy. He began to pant slightly, as though panicked at being awake. Antoinette seized his hand and squeezed it. “You shall be alright, we are caring for you and a doctor is on his way.”
