The Girl On The Half Shell

by Susan Ward

  He stops when we’re at the far side of the room at a standing table beneath the stage. In between songs, the lead singer leans over to say something to Neil. Neil laughs, says something back. I can’t catch it, the room is too noisy.

  I look across the room. Rene is still several feel away. “You’re not from Santa Barbara, are you?”

  Neil isn’t really paying attention to me. His eyes are locked on the guitar on the stage. I lean into him and repeat my question louder.

  “I’m a local,” he says, not shifting his eyes to me, his head moving in tempo with the music. “I just live in Seattle now.” He sets his beer on the table. “Different kind of scene. Less bullshit than SB. Most everyone here is from out of town. A few locals. But most everyone is here to see him.”

  The band is good. The sound is different. But what is so special about him?

  Neil leans forward into me, his elbows on the table. “This is one of those nights you’ll remember. You don’t know it now, but it is. You are here, in a no-name club, watching Kurt before he becomes famous, before he becomes iconic, as he’s just there changing music forever.”

  Oh, crap. Way to go, Chrissie. This guy is a musician, probably with some struggling, no-name band in Seattle. That’s why he’s part of the happening here. He’s one of them. Leave it to me to find a musician in the crowd. That’s all I need.

  I force a smile. “If you say so.”

  “You can’t hear why they are so great?”

  There was something insulting in the way he said that. I start to critique the band in my head: Three guys. Guitar, bass and drums. Sort of a little heavy dirge rock, mixed with punk and metal. The music is too angry for mainstream popularity. I hear a little bit of the Ramones and a twinge of Black Sabbath. Three cords, simple arrangement. Kurt has an interesting voice. Rene thinks he’s hot. The drummer is the one with the talent.

  I bite down hard on my lip. Oh no! Did I just say that out loud? Crap! Neil fixes his gorgeous green eyes on me. I feel something. I’m not sure what. It’s sort of a strange thing. His eyes are hard to read, and then finally he starts to laugh. I feel some of the tension leave my body.

  “You are an ignorant girl when it comes to music. You can’t kiss and you don’t know music.” Neil takes a dollar from his pocket, rips it in half, and hands a piece to me. “We’ll see who’s right.”

  I hold up my half of the bill. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

  “Keep it. Someday we’ll know which one of us is right and the winner gets the other half of the dollar.”

  There is something cute and boyish and challenging in him. The corners of my lips tease with a smile. “What makes you think I’m ever going to see you again?”

  Neil shrugs. “You have to. I’m a really cool guy who just did you a really big favor and you have half of my last dollar.”

  Rene and Josh finally join us. Neil sets down his drink and takes my hand. “What took you so long?” he asks Josh.

  “Andy’s over there.” Guy stare. Serious guy stare. Then, Josh sighs heavily and asks, “Are we staying or hitting it?” He looks at Rene. “You want to go somewhere to party?”

  Neil’s mouth presses into a hard line. “I’m supposed to dance with you, right?”

  I don’t like how he says that. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

  Neil rakes a hand through his hair. “It’s not you. There’s just someone here I don’t want to see. Get it?”

  “Ex-girlfriend?”

  He gives me a quizzical look. “No. Just some asshole I don’t want to see.”

  Josh says, “Neil, you’re really going to have to get over it someday.”

  “He screwed us over. Fuck him.”

  I’m in the middle of a heated argument between the guys, and Neil’s fingers tighten on my hand as he leads me onto the dance floor. The dance floor is large, but I can see that Eliza and her mob have left the private party room and are mixed through the crowd. Eliza is dancing with Brad. She pretends not to see me and I pretend not to see her.

  Unfortunately, my eyes connect for a moment with Brad’s. He looks away quickly as though I were nothing. I feel weak, mortified, and pathetic. With that touch of eyes I am forced to admit to myself that being here is only half about Eliza. I wanted Brad to see me with someone else, so he would think he didn’t matter, so that maybe he would stop mattering to me.

  I’m being consumed by an array of emotions. I can’t process them. They are too quick. And the lights in the club are casting strange color across the crowd, making Eliza and Brad harshly gleaming figures, and the music is angry, the way I feel inside, angry, angry, angry.

  “You OK?” Neil shouts.

  He’s watching me intently. I lean into Neil. “We don’t have to dance.”

  He shrugs. “I don’t want to lose my really cool guy standing.”

  I wonder if I’ve just been obvious over Brad and if Neil saw my obviousness.

  “What was that all about,” I ask wanting to change the subject.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Just a friend who screwed me over. It happens.”

  The heat of the room and the press of bodies around me suddenly feel too close. I can feel that Neil is annoyed and doesn’t really want to do this, is just following through because…I don’t know why he’s following through on being a really cool guy.

  As a group, we roll into another song. The floor is packed, the music loud, Rene is in her element, and Neil and Josh are drinking, holding us, somehow still moving and somehow still arguing. Everyone around me seems drunk. They all look so into the moment, so into the scene. I don’t feel connected with the mood at all. I’m no longer in the room. I stop being in the room the second Brad touched me with his eyes and looked away as if not seeing me. I feel awkward and small as people near me slam into me and every so often Neil’s body presses up against me.

  I stare up at him to keep myself from looking again at Eliza and Brad. Neil is staring at something across the room. There is a sudden internally contained tension that he didn’t have before.

  I look over my shoulder. That must be Andy. Neil’s friend-enemy. There is something very odd in the way Andy is taking stock of me and staring at his friend.

  I turn back to find Neil’s eyes on me. I don’t know what he sees on my face, but his expression softens. He leans into me. “You are not enjoying this at all, are you, Chris?” He frowns. “You don’t like to kiss and you don’t like to dance. You are a very strange girl. You don’t like this at all.”

  I flush. This guy can see just enough, but not too much. He can’t see the part where I grew smaller and smaller because some jerk that dumped me doesn’t care that I am here with another guy.

  Tears threaten behind my eyelids. I sway into Neil.

  “Hey! Are you OK?” He sounds genuinely concerned.

  I nod. He steadies me with his hands, his body moving in a matching rhythm with mine and he takes more care that people don’t crash into me. I look once away and then back at him.

  He scrunches his nose. “Not helping, is it?”

  I shake my head.

  “I’ve got an idea.” Quickly he puts his drink down. Before I know what he is doing he’s lifting me from the floor until my arms are on his shoulders and my thighs against his chest. “Do you know what they do in Europe? They don’t crash into each other like we do in America. They bounce. Do you want to bounce, Chris?” He makes a hop. God, this is embarrassing. People don’t bounce in downtown clubs in Santa Barbara. I make a move with my hands to put me down, but Neil doesn’t. The look in his eyes changes into something sweet and gentle and kind. Jeez, this guy has beautiful eyes. I feel them all through my limbs. Another bounce. “Do you want me to make you bounce, Chris?”

  That is said sweetly, teasing. I start to laugh and his arms tighten their hold of my body against him as he continues to bounce on the beat. God, this guy is so hot. I didn’t notice how hot until he started to laugh and smile. I feel my heart
accelerate.

  Josh lifts up Rene, and we are bouncing and laughing. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Eliza watching, and she looks really irritated.

  Neil bounces me until the end of the next set, and I love it even though Rene and I are the only girls being bounced.

  The music stops and I can hear thumping on wooden stairs as the band rushes off stage to the dressing room outside of Les’s office. Neil is still holding me off the floor, but I am being lowered down to earth in front of him.

  “Why don’t we bounce, Chris?” His mouth is against my neck, stirring the sensitive flesh beneath my ear, no longer playful. “Let’s go back to my place.”

  Jeez, when did this change from being a favor between two strangers to Neil thinking I’d go home with him? I look frantically around the bar, but Rene is nowhere to be found. Somehow she’s already disappeared with Josh. Crap, she’s just left me alone in this.

  I bite my lower lip. “I need to find Rene. I need to go.”

  He stares down at me, then shrugs and puts an arm around me holding me in a casual, friendly way. “Come on. We’ll go talk to the band for a while. Give Rene and Josh a few moments, if you follow my drift.”

  I follow him up the stairs. There is security at the top of the stairs and Neil leans in to say something. The big, burly bouncer smiles at me.

  We’re let into the private party and I can’t help but look to see if Eliza is watching. She is staring and furious. She starts moving toward me. Oh, crap. I realize why she invited me to Peppers tonight. She wanted Jack’s daughter to get her into the private party that Daddy’s money couldn’t seem to do. I push my body against Neil, hoping he’ll hurry before Eliza catches me. I don’t care about this band, this party, but Eliza does and it is enough to make me walk through the door.

  * * *

  The minute I’m in the room I want to get out. The upstairs private party is not my type of scene. The tiny room is packed. Neil has my hand and starts to pull me through the bodies. There is a raw kind of energy all around me. The girls here are not pretty girls. They are the other kind of girls that I never seem to fit in with, the fringe, wild, counterculture types. They are snorting lines of coke off a table, laughing, kissing, touching.

  Everyone is wired, into the moment, and I know I look different, that I am different from them in my oh so Santa Barbara UGG boots and Saks Fifth Avenue mini skirt, and the one carat diamond studs in my ears that I never think about, but for some reason I remember them now.

  A few feet from the singer, Neil says, “Wait here.”

  I stand alone in the room feeling strange and out of place without Neil beside me. My frantic gaze locks on Neil talking with the band. They talk, smile, laugh, and then talk some more and I’m wondering if he’s going to leave me here alone forever when Neil takes my hand and pulls me into the conversation. The band is really nice, kind and friendly and for some reason really inclusive in the way they talk to me. They instantly engage me in conversation and seem really interested in what I have to say, not at all like the guys at school.

  As we talk I see flashes. Someone is taking pictures and the last thing I need is a picture of me with this crowd making the rounds. I look around frantically trying to find the camera. Then I see the girl on the couch with the Polaroid and I feel foolish for being paranoid. I steady my breathing and tell Neil I have to go.

  The club is empty as we walk out the back entrance. The windows to my dad’s car are all steamed up and I can see Rene and Josh in the back seat. Jeez, Rene, in my dad’s car? Did you really just screw a guy you met in a bar in my dad’s car?

  “Hey Josh. Let’s roll,” Neil shouts.

  I stop a few cars away. “Thanks, Neil. You’ve been a really cool guy tonight.”

  He smiles and it’s sort of like he’s disconcerted, not knowing how he should deal with me.

  “It’s been OK, Chris. I had fun with you tonight. If you’re ever in Seattle look me up. Maybe we can hang out sometime.”

  I brace myself. “Maybe I should give you my number in case you come back to Santa Barbara this summer.”

  Neil’s smiles at me quizzically. I feel instantly stupid. If the guy wanted my number he’d have asked for it.

  “I leave next week on a six month tour. I don’t plan to be back in Santa Barbara.”

  God, why did I have to offer him my number?

  Josh and Rene climb out of the car. She starts giving him her number and I wonder if it’s her real number, if she gives her real number to guys she screws in parking lots.

  All and all, it hasn’t been a completely disastrous night. I’m feeling kind of OK even though Neil did give me the brush off. I sink into the driver’s seat and wait for Rene to climb in.

  I turn the ignition and put the car in gear. There’s a tap on my window. I roll it down. Neil says, “Drive carefully. You’ve had a few drinks. Not enough to be legally drunk, but they could pick you up anyway.”

  I nod. That was a really sweet thing to say. “I’ll take it really, really slow.”

  Neil laughs at the really, really. He turns to leave and then pauses. It’s almost like he’s debating with himself. His fingers curl over the top of my open window. “Hey, I know I’m just some guy you just met, but nice girls with rich, famous daddies shouldn’t be in bars trying to play games with guys like me. The guys you meet in bars play cruel games that hurt. Fuck! Didn’t Daddy teach you anything about how the world works?”

  Oh crap! I know, I suddenly know. “You used me. You were a cool guy so you could use me to get into the party.”

  I’m furious now.

  He shrugs.

  “Everyone uses everyone, Christian Parker.”

  I roll up my window and pull from the parking space.

  * * *

  “God, Chrissie! Do you have to drive so slowly? I want to get home, get a shower and get some sleep.”

  Rene is slouched in her seat trying to adjust her panties. It’s 2a.m. and the fog is really thick.

  “I don’t want to get pulled over. If I get popped for drunk driving in my dad’s car it will make the front page of the NewsPress.”

  “If you keep driving so slow the first cop that sees you will know you’ve been drinking.” She pulls down the visor and starts to touch up her lip gloss with the lighted mirror, which is really irritating because it makes it harder to see out of her side of the car. “You should have let me drive.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s a great idea. What are you on, anyway? You guys didn’t do drugs in my dad’s car, did you?”

  Rene glares at me. “I wouldn’t do that. I can’t believe you asked me that.”

  “Really. Oh, really. You screwed a guy in my dad’s car.”

  Rene shrugs. “He was cute. Neil was cute too. He was really into you, Chrissie. Did you give him your number?”

  “No. And he wasn’t into me. Just another user. Why is the world so full of jerks?”

  “Because half the planet is male.”

  I change the subject. “Did you see Eliza’s face as Neil and I went into the private party. She was pissed.”

  “Jeez, you’d think it would have stopped being about Eliza as soon as you had that hot guy bouncing you on the floor. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. You should have bounced him back to his place.”

  “I couldn’t. You were bouncing my dad’s car.”

  “What was the private party like?” Rene asks, rummaging through her bag.

  “It was awful. Smoky. Packed. All kinds of freak girls there doing drugs.”

  Rene laughs. “Why do you have half a dollar bill stuck in the fold of your UGG boot?”

  “Neil made me a bet. He thinks that band is like the Second Coming or something. If he’s right, I have to give him back the half of the dollar.”

  I see the high metal arch on Marina Drive that signals we are officially off the city streets and back into the safety of Hope Ranch. I increase my speed.

  “See, he does want to see you again,” Rene says shoving her junk
back into her bag. She sprays her mouth with breath spray. I park the car as close to the front door as I can manage. Rene grabs my arm. “You go in first. See if I can make a clean shot to the bathroom.”

  “Why?”

  Rene’s eyes widen intensely. “I smell like sex. I don’t want to get caught by Jack smelling like sex.”

  “You can smell sex?”

  “God you are ignorant. Guys can always smell sex. Go check the house for me.”

  “Slut.” I only say it because it’s a joke and it seems to fit.

  “Prude.” Fiercely back at me.

  Rene grabs my cheeks and gives me a hard kiss. “Do I kiss better than Neil?”

  I push her away. She is laughing at me folded over in her seat. She looks up. “Run and check. Hurry. I have to pee.”

  As I walk to the front door I can hear the sound of rowdy men floating over the roof. The noise makes me think of my brother. Sammy and his friends used to fill the house with laughter and music. As a little girl I would hover, hidden, just enjoying watching my big brother, knowing if I got caught all Sam would do is ruffle my hair, toss me over his shoulder, and send me back to my room with a stern warning not to tell Jack.

  I peek into the empty entryway and step in. I should have told my dad about the parties. I knew that Sammy’s parties were bad. I didn’t tell because I didn’t understand why I was supposed to. I loved him. Sammy said don’t tell. That I understood.

  I go as far down the hallway as Sammy’s room and turn around and go back for Rene. When I get outside, she’s hopping beside the car like she’s about to pee. God, she is really messed up. I didn’t notice in the car that she is all crumpled and ratty haired, and acting wired.