Be Careful What You Wish For

by Gemma Crisp

  nineteen

  To: Nina Morey

  From: Adam Johnston

  Subject: Please read this . . .

  I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve tried calling you on Skype but you won’t answer. You won’t return my emails. I don’t even know if you’re reading them or deleting them without opening them. But I have to keep trying. I don’t want to let you go without a fight. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think about is you. You’re the last thing I think about at night. Have you even considered my offer to come to Vancouver? Just for a visit – you don’t have to stay with me, we can just see how things go. No pressure. Just promise me you’ll think about it, okay? I’ll wait for however long it takes.

  Nina sighed heavily, hit the delete button and then started clicking on the different menu options on Facebook. Getting frustrated when she couldn’t find what she was looking for, she blurted out, ‘Tess, do you know where the “block user” option is on Facebook? I can’t find the bloody thing.’

  ‘I’m pretty sure it’s under the privacy settings, but I could be wrong. Why? Who do you want to block?’

  It had been three weeks since Nina had returned from her Eastern Europe press trip, and the guilt over what had almost happened with Adam had been gnawing away at her.

  It didn’t help that he’d been bombarding her with pleading emails, begging her to visit him in Canada, stopping just short of declaring his undying love for her. Now that she was home, she realised how close she’d come to making a huge mistake – but as much as she tried to shove it to the back of her mind, she couldn’t help but wonder why she had let herself get in the messy situation in the first place. Was she bored with Jeremy, but just didn’t want to admit it? Had their relationship run its course and they just hadn’t realised it yet? Would they end up being one of those long-term couples who stayed together because it was easier than breaking up?

  She’d tried to act as normal as possible around Jeremy, but when she was lying next to him as he slept, she couldn’t stop the slideshow of flashbacks that played on a loop in her head as she stared at the ceiling. While she desperately tried to convince herself that cheating was only a relationship crime when there was actual sex involved, Nina ran hot and cold whenever Jeremy was around. One minute she’d be overcompensating by smothering him with adoring attention, the next minute she couldn’t bear for him to touch her. Sometimes she was convinced he must have guessed what had happened and was tempted to confess every sordid detail, if only to put a stop to her internal agonising, but at other times she wondered if he even remembered she’d been away. She was exhausted from the constant stressing, analysing and wondering, which was why, when Tess asked who she wanted to block on Facebook, she made a snap decision. After weeks of battling it out alone inside her head, she needed to tell someone, otherwise she’d drive herself crazy trying to decide what she should do. To confess or keep quiet? That was the million-dollar question, and she only had herself to blame for it.

  ‘Uh, I just want to block a random guy who I met on the Global Bus tour.’

  Tess looked at her closely. ‘Just a random guy, huh? So riddle me this – why is your face bright pink after telling me that?’

  Nina took a deep breath, then said in a rush, ‘If I tell you, will you promise never to tell anyone?’

  ‘Of course,’ Tess said immediately. ‘You know your deepest, darkest secrets are in the vault with me.’

  ‘Okay . . . well . . . I met a guy on the trip who I was really attracted to. Like, REALLY attracted. A Canadian. He works in the publishing industry, too. Anyway, nothing happened.’ Nina paused, watching Tess’s face for any kind of reaction, but got nothing. She ploughed on. ‘Until the last night of the tour.’ Tess raised an eyebrow. ‘It wasn’t like I lied and said I was single – he knew I had a boyfriend. But one minute we were with the rest of the group, the next we were in a hotel bar by ourselves and things started getting intense. One thing led to another and . . .’ Nina hesitated, wondering if she was wrong to share her misdemeanour with Tess, but decided she was too far gone to stop now. ‘We got a room,’ she admitted.

  ‘And then what happened?’ Tess asked, her voice neutral.

  ‘Nothing,’ Nina said, hating how defensive she sounded. ‘Okay, I won’t lie – we were about to do the deed, but at the last minute, I bottled it. I just couldn’t go ahead with it. It was so weird, Tess – until that final moment, I’d completely forgotten about Jeremy; it was like I’d convinced myself he didn’t exist, or was part of a different life. But then something reminded me of him and thankfully I came to my senses before it was too late. Now Adam – the Canadian – keeps sending me messages on Facebook, begging me to go visit him in Vancouver.’

  ‘Are you going to go?’ Tess asked quietly.

  ‘What? NO! Don’t be ridiculous. He’s a great guy, but I just got carried away – my relationship with Jeremy is the longest I’ve ever had, and I guess it was flattering that this super-cute guy was into me. Maybe I wanted to prove that I could still hook up if I wanted to. But now I’m back and I’m consumed with guilt, twenty-four/seven. I know some people would argue that I didn’t cheat because I didn’t actually sleep with him, but I came damn close. I hate myself. And I don’t know whether I should tell Jeremy or not. It’s doing my head in and making me act weird around him.’

  ‘Do you think he has any idea?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Nina said miserably. ‘Sometimes I think he knows something’s not right, but doesn’t know what, then at other times I feel like I have “cheater” emblazoned on my forehead and he doesn’t even notice.’

  ‘Do you want to tell him?’

  ‘Some days I do, just to put myself out of my own misery. But then I think about how much it’ll hurt him, and I really don’t know if I could forgive myself for causing him that much pain. Do you think I should?’ Nina looked at Tess beseechingly, desperate for answers.

  ‘No, I don’t think you should,’ her cousin said firmly. ‘You were on the other side of the world and got caught up in the moment. You’re never going to see this guy again and you’re obviously remorseful. Yes, it was wrong to get involved with him in the first place, but you stopped yourself just before the crucial moment. It was a huge mistake – but at least you realise that. You’re only human, Nina; we all do stuff that we’re ashamed of or regret, but in my opinion, sometimes you have to weigh up whether the relief of confessing will be cancelled out by the hurt you’ll cause. Because it will hurt Jeremy – a lot. He adores you. And I don’t know if you guys will ever get back on track. It’s up to you, obviously, but in my opinion, you know what you did was wrong, you’re not planning to do it ever again and, hopefully, you’ve learnt your lesson. Now you just have to discover what’s lacking in your relationship that made you almost cheat in the first place and fix it, so things can get back to normal between the two of you.’

  Nina stared at Tess, stunned by her shrewd assessment of the relationship issues which Nina had been agonising over for weeks. ‘Thanks, Tess. I guess you’re right. Jeremy doesn’t need to know, but I do need to have a good hard think about why it happened in the first place. I’m sorry to offload all my crap onto you, but I’ve been driving myself insane ever since that night. You have no idea how tortured I’ve been.’ After giving Tess a huge hug, she attempted to lighten the mood by asking, ‘So where did you learn to analyse problems so quickly, Ms Relationship Therapist?’ To her astonishment, it was Tess’s turn to go bright pink.

  ‘Um . . . well, seeing this seems to be confession time, I guess it’s my turn to share something,’ Tess said uncertainly. ‘Do you remember when we were at that pub in Woolloomooloo, after you had the run-in with Nicolette Rivera’s publicist?’

  ‘How could I forget . . .’ Nina muttered.

  ‘You got angry at me because I wouldn’t go on a date with that guy who tried to chat me up, and I told you it was because I’d just started seeing someone.’

  Nina’s eyes widened. M
aybe Tess was finally ready to tell her all about her new relationship? ‘Typical,’ she thought. ‘Tess finds love just as my love life is crumbling around my ears.’

  ‘Well, I kind of stretched the truth a bit,’ Tess continued.

  ‘I had just started seeing someone, but it wasn’t a boyfriend.’

  ‘Whaaaaa? What do you mean? Who was it then?’

  ‘It was my therapist. A clinical psychologist, to be precise.’

  Nina was confused. ‘I don’t understand – why would you need to see a clinical psychologist?’

  ‘Because I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety,’ Tess said bluntly. ‘I’m on antidepressants and I’m having cognitive behavioural therapy to help me sort through my feelings and try to deal with my panic attacks. I actually had one in the pub that day, when the guy was talking to me. It had been a while since I’d had that kind of attention, and I guess I freaked out.’

  Tears welled up in Nina’s eyes as she absorbed the news. Her cousin, her best friend, one of the most important people in her life, had been going through hell and she hadn’t even realised. Too wrapped up in her own problems, she’d completely missed the pieces of the depression jigsaw – Tess’s reluctance to socialise, her tendency to stay in bed all day, her lack of interest in life in general. Nina had assumed that she was just struggling to find her feet in Sydney after living in London, but it obviously went deeper than that. Way deeper.

  ‘Oh my God, Tess. I had no idea. Are you okay? I mean, of course you’re not okay, but is therapy helping? I’m so sorry – I should have realised. I should have been there for you, instead of trying to drag you out to bars and restaurants when it was the last thing you felt like doing. I remember thinking you looked really uncomfortable in the pub that day, but I just assumed you were being stand-offish. I had no idea you were having a panic attack. I’m such a selfish bitch, I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together . . .’ Nina began to sob.

  ‘It’s not your fault, Nina,’ Tess assured her. ‘It’s nobody’s fault – it’s my problem and I need to deal with it. For a long time, I didn’t want to admit there was a problem, because on the face of it, there’s nothing wrong with my life. I mean, what do I have to be depressed about? But as my therapist said, depression isn’t picky; it doesn’t care who you are or what you do. For a while I was making excuses for myself – telling myself it was normal that I didn’t feel like going out, or just wanted to stay in bed all day. I felt like my life was in a holding pattern, and I couldn’t get excited about anything anymore. I just didn’t see the point in anything and getting through the day was such an effort. After a while, you get used to feeling blah and you don’t realise that it’s actually because something’s not right. But when I started having panic attacks, I realised that it wasn’t natural to feel like this.’

  Nina stared at her mutely, tears running down her face, as Tess calmly explained how she’d gone to the doctor, told him what she was going through and got a referral to a psychologist, who had started her on a course of antidepressants, accompanied by weekly therapy sessions.

  ‘Do the pills make you feel magically better? How long will you take them for? What’s the cognitive behaviour stuff you mentioned before? How come you didn’t tell me?’ Nina asked in a small voice.

  ‘Because I wasn’t ready,’ Tess admitted. ‘I don’t have to tell you everything, you know,’ she said, with a flash of defiance. ‘I don’t know how long I’ll take the drugs for – as long as it takes, I guess. They’re not instant happy pills, they just stabilise my serotonin levels and stop me spiralling back down into the big black hole. They take the edge off everything, so I feel like a bit of a zombie, but it’s better than feeling the way I did before. Cognitive behaviour therapy helps with the depression and panic attacks; it teaches me to recognise the signs and learn certain coping mechanisms to avoid following the same patterns. So far, so good, but it’s early days yet,’ she said matter-of-factly.

  ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ Nina asked hopefully, eager to make up for being oblivious to her cousin’s emotional struggle.

  ‘Not really – unless you feel like cooking butternut pumpkin and spinach risotto for dinner?’ Then, seeing Nina’s puzzled face, she explained, ‘The doctor gave me a list of foods that have high levels of tryptophan, which the body converts into serotonin. The more serotonin in my body, the better.’

  ‘Right then, risotto it is,’ Nina said brightly, jumping up to check the kitchen cupboard for ingredients. ‘One problem – we don’t have any arborio rice. I’ll nip down to the shop and grab some.’ She grabbed her wallet and gave her cousin a quick, hard hug before disappearing out the door.

  Once outside, Nina slumped against the wall of their apartment building, feeling like she had been punched in the stomach. The combination of spilling the secret of her indiscretion with Adam and dealing with Tess’s revelation had left her shattered. She closed her eyes and couldn’t help thinking that somewhere along the way, their lives taken a wrong turn – she had come so close to cheating on her boyfriend, and Tess was battling serious mental demons. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  twenty

  ‘So I got an interesting email today,’ Nina began, watching Jeremy closely for his reaction. They were having dinner at mod-Asian restaurant Ms. G’s, chowing down on the famous mini bánh mì and, Nina’s favourite, corn cobs with shaved parmesan and lime.

  ‘Oh yeah?’ Jeremy took a swig from his bottle of Asahi after demolishing the last of his crispy pork belly roll. ‘What about?’

  ‘About a role that’s come up at ABM – Australian Boutique Magazines,’ she explained when he looked at her blankly. ‘They publish a lot of smaller niche titles, mainly sports-based ones but also a couple of finance and business magazines. Plus they just bought Candy, a monthly women’s mag, which is a bit like Lulu but not as successful.’

  ‘Uh-huh,’ Jeremy said, obviously more interested in the parmesan-smothered corn cob on the plate in front of him. Nina sighed, wishing he’d pay more attention to what she was saying. Couldn’t he tell that she was leading up to something, that she had big news to share? She’d been jumping out of her skin ever since she’d got home from the office and had suggested going out for dinner so she didn’t have to compete with the TV for his attention when she told him about the email. She unclenched her jaw and battled on.

  ‘They’re looking for a new editor for Candy,’ she continued, hardly able to contain her excitement. ‘Kat used to work with the publisher and says he isn’t happy with the current editor, who they inherited when they bought the magazine; he thinks it needs a fresh pair of eyes. Its circulation has taken a massive hit over the past three audits, so they want to shake things up a bit.’ Nina took a deep breath. ‘I’ve decided I’m going to apply for it.’

  ‘I didn’t think you’d be ready to be an editor,’ Jeremy remarked offhandedly while signalling at the waitress for another beer.

  Nina stared at him, gobsmacked. This was the biggest opportunity in her career so far and her oh-so-supportive boyfriend immediately assumed she wasn’t up for the challenge.

  ‘What would you know?’ she demanded furiously. ‘You don’t see me at work, you barely have any idea what I do! Do you think Kat poached me to go to Lulu with her just because I have a great collection of shoes? It’s because I’m bloody good at my job, thank you very much. I know it’s not exactly discovering a cure for cancer, but that doesn’t mean working in magazines doesn’t have merit. I have good ideas and I’m a hard worker. Kat’s already told me that the deputy editor role is all mine, just as soon as she can get rid of the girl who’s currently doing the job – that’s if I don’t get another job offer beforehand.’ Nina paused for oxygen, then continued, ‘But I don’t want to be a deputy editor if I can help it – why settle for silver if gold is up for grabs? No one remembers who comes second. Editorships don’t become available very often, so I need to put myself out there. It’ll be good experience to
interview for it and even if the publisher decides I’m not right for this job, at least he’ll know who I am for any future opportunities. The last time I checked, ambition wasn’t a dirty word, Jeremy. I thought you’d be happy for me,’ she finished stroppily, vaguely aware that the table next to them had fallen quiet and were hanging off every word she said. Not that she cared – she was almost foaming at the mouth with indignation.

  ‘I am happy for you, Nina,’ Jeremy said. ‘Jesus, take a chill pill or something. I didn’t say you weren’t good at your job or that there’s anything wrong with being ambitious, I was just asking if you thought you were ready to take on the editorship of a magazine that sounds like it’s on its last legs. Everyone knows the print industry is struggling at the moment, so it might not be the best idea to jump into something just because you get to sit in the editor’s chair, then find yourself out of a job six months later when they decide to close the magazine. Maybe you’d be better off staying at Lulu and waiting for the deputy editor to leave, and work your way up at a slower pace.’

  ‘But what if she never leaves? Christ, she’s been there for six years already, which is a lifetime in the magazine industry. I could be stuck in the same spot for who knows how long, wishing I hadn’t played it safe while someone else becomes the new editor of Candy and does amazing things with it. And I’ll have to suck it up, knowing it could have been me, if only I’d been brave enough to take a risk. You don’t regret the things you did, Jeremy, you only regret what you didn’t do.’

  ‘Is that what some expert psychologist told you in an interview for one of your pseudo self-help articles?’ he smirked.

  Nina’s blood boiled. She had hoped he’d be excited for her or at least supportive, but all he could do was tear her down. ‘Adam would have understood,’ a small voice whispered in her mind. She shook her head, refusing to listen. She’d made a conscious effort to put all thoughts of Adam out of her head since confessing her misdemeanour to Tess all those weeks ago and had been trying to close the gap she felt between herself and Jeremy by spending more time together. She’d thought things had been getting back on track – until now.