by S M Mala
‘The day he murdered her family, he killed a large piece of my child too. That’s unforgiveable and for what? Sasha? After he confessed, he took the gun and pointed it to his head, asking Sasha if he should pull it. That’s where I come in.’
‘So you were there?’
‘I was waiting. I had to know what happened all that time ago. How far he was willing to go to hurt these people.’ She inhaled deeply on the panatela, blowing the smoke up into the air. ‘He was all show. Wanting to scare her and it worked but I knew it was bullshit. Then Sasha told him something that took even me by surprise and he sort of went very quiet. It was eerie.’
‘What did she say?’
‘Something to push him a little harder in the right direction, though she had no idea. When she was safe and driven away from the house, I thought it was an act but something snapped in Cameron. I could see it in his eyes. Thing is, he should have known better than to fuck with me or my child.’ She smiled brightly. ‘Sasha was protecting you, even though she knows you don’t feel the same way about her, she-.’
‘That’s not true. I love her. I want to be with her. I want her to know I love her and I made a mistake. I’ve been hurt and sometimes trusting someone with your heart is hard.’ He hesitated for a moment and examined the refined features of the older woman. ‘I would never let her down.’
‘But you have already,’ she replied sadly. ‘I don’t want her to meet another Cameron, another man that will make her sad when they pretend to want to make her happy.’
‘I would never do that,’ he said, feeling a sob in his throat. ‘I don’t care if she killed a hundred people. All I care about is her. I’d only want to love her and make her happy. We do have a future, I just fucked it up when she needed me. I’ve never been in this situation.’ Kit’s vision was starting to get blurry, his eyes filling up. ‘I know one thing, she made me very happy. Estella, tell her I’m sorry. I know she’ll never see me again but I want her to forgive me.’
‘Oh Kit,’ she said, taking her hand and gently touching his face, wiping the tears away. ‘She’s very stubborn.’
‘Could she ever trust me again?’
‘I have to keep her safe.’
‘She’ll be safe with me. I promise.’
‘Can we sit down? My feet are killing me. These bloody shoes!’
She led him to a bench lit by a lamp and sat. Taking off her expensive heels, she rubbed her feet and let out a long sigh.
‘You’ve given her hope, that’s what you’ve done,’ she quietly said as he sat down, rubbing his eyes. ‘And that’s really important.’
‘I don’t feel like I’ve got any hope left,’ he said, placing his hand on his forehead, rubbing it hard. ‘How can I make contact with her?’
‘Sasha’s the one who will decide that.’
‘Please tell her I’m sorry.’
‘You need to do that yourself.’
‘How?’
‘Kit, you’re not making this easy. Let it go and wait and see what happens. Maybe tell Justin about it all and he can give you some sound advice.’
‘He’ll kill me if he finds out what I did,’ grimaced Kit.
‘Try him and see what he says. He was always good with Sasha. Even after the accident, he got her to tap again when no-one else could. No, that’s wrong. You did too,’ smiled Estella wistfully.
‘I’m scared I’ll lose her for good,’ he honestly replied. ‘I have no life without her, no future.’
‘She’s been very upset, gone back to her quiet self. I made her go away and re-coup properly. All the other times she focussed on seeing you again. I knew when she went to see you it might not turn out how she wanted. You try and warn your kid to be careful, but they just don’t listen. As a parent, you want to protect them, whatever age.’
‘I feel like that about Grace.’
‘So is it any wonder why a parent wouldn’t want to pull the trigger to protect their child? Then let them believe that the person took his own life when their own mother put in a helping hand.’
Estella lifted her hand and cocked her finger, impersonating a trigger before smiling, getting up and walking away, leaving Kit stunned and open mouthed on the park bench.
‘You’re in love with Sasha?’
… said Justin furiously. They were sat in a café for lunch a week later. Kit realised he had to tell his brother the truth about what happened and take everything that would come his way. ‘And you got involved with these criminals? And you used my class as a cover? You really are a conniving piece of shit, do you know that?’
‘That’s why I thought I’d tell you in a public area so you wouldn’t freak out,’ he said sarcastically. ‘Seems I was wrong.’
‘Kit! Do you know how much trouble you could get into?’
‘I know but it’s all fine and-.’
‘So that’s where the money came from!’ he said, banging his hands on the table. ‘Suddenly a few grand here, a few grand there. Giving mum back her savings because you kidnapped Sasha.’ Justin sat back in his chair, looking at him in disbelief. ‘What the hell has got into you?’
‘We put her in a safe place.’
‘You were involved in a plot to abduct someone who attended my classes,’ he hissed. ‘I could murder you!’
Then he recalled what Estella said and he closed his eyes.
She had done the deed and Sasha didn’t know.
The guilt hit him harder than before but not as hard as when he looked at Justin’s very red and angry face.
‘I’m sacking you,’ he said flatly. ‘You are no longer allowed to teach tap lessons or come into my building, do you hear me?’
‘I understand.’
‘And don’t you dare tell Aloyna or mother about this. And Peter Tooley got you involved? When I see that shit I’m going to kick the living crap out of him. Fuck!’
Kit exhaled quickly, blowing at the same time.
‘And you should know better,’ continued Justin. Kit just looked at his cold cheese omelette and chips, now desperate to avoid eye contact. ‘You could have gone to jail, you know that don’t you? You little…’ He knew his brother had run out of words. ‘Sometimes I really wonder what goes on in that head of yours.’
‘I hated lying to you,’ he feebly added, pushing his plate away.
‘Sure you did.’
Biting his lip, he examined his older brother’s furious face.
‘I saw you two together,’ Justin said quietly, leaning forward. ‘It was in November. I could tell there was something there but I wasn’t sure. You’re both like two broken pieces when apart but when you looked at each other, I knew.’
‘We hadn’t got together at-.’
‘You looked at her with such, I don’t know, longing.’ He now clenched his jaw. Kit could see the muscles in Justin’s face. ‘What did you do to cock it up?’
‘I didn’t trust her when I should have. I never told her I loved her even when she asked. I was scared. Scared of what happened with Kristin. I couldn’t see past my fear and doubts so I doubted her.’
‘And how long has this been going on for?’
‘We got together when she was in hiding and a couple of times after that,’ Kit whispered, looking at Justin. ‘It’s wonderful when we’re alone, laughing and dancing. She’s really good at tap and it’s amazing to watch.’ Pursing his lips, he didn’t know what else to say.
‘My stupid little brother. Of all the people to fall in love with.’
‘More tea?’ the lady from the café asked.
Justin nodded and held up two fingers before making eye contact with Kit.
‘Estella said you were good to Sasha after her accident and she told me to speak to you,’ said Kit, watching him frown. ‘I just thought you’d kill me.’
‘We have time,’ Justin glared. ‘And that’s all that happened? You took Sasha away, along with two people you don’t know and kept her safe from Cameron, is that right?’ Kit nodded. ‘And now Cameron Lester is de
ad, apparent suicide and it’s not related in anyway.’ Kit nodded furiously, without making eye contact. ‘You have nothing else to say?’
Shaking his head from side to side, he grimaced.
The cups of tea arrived and were placed on the table. They sat in silence.
‘Sean rang me the other day and said he found you with a sachet of cocaine,’ Justin said, under his breath. ‘Told me you didn’t take any. Were you tempted?’
‘Yes,’ Kit immediately replied. ‘I’d been feeling down. It crossed my mind but I didn’t. I remembered what I had to lose and then it dropped on the floor.’
‘I know who Estella is and what she does for a living,’ Justin said quietly, making Kit do a double take. ‘I keep the door open at the back because I’m aware she didn’t want anyone to see her coming and going. Years ago I realised it was because she was protecting Sasha. Vanessa, Glenda and Estella took me to one side and explained it would be awkward for everyone concerned, if people knew they were going to the lessons. Sasha gets dropped off outside and I know she’s watched. It took months for her not to get picked up from class. That’s how the ladies can go for coffee.’
Kit stared at his brother.
‘Did you give Sasha lessons?’ Kit asked, knowing the answer. ‘She came to you, didn’t she?’
‘Amazing dancer but you know that,’ nodded Justin. ‘She’s just like a broken flower, that’s the only way I can describe her. Very delicate and you’re not quite sure if she’s going to make it but she does. Oh my god,’ he said, looking as something just hit him in the head. ‘I’ve just realised something. Oh my!’ Taking a deep breath he looked at Kit then half smiled. ‘And the ladies didn’t tell you anything else?’
‘I can’t live without her,’ Kit blurted out. ‘I’ve been too afraid to think of the positives, just worrying over the negatives. I want her back. She’s come to me twice and I’ve just let her go or told her to leave.’
‘I blame that slut ex-wife of yours making you doubt everyone. I think it was her plan for you to never fall in love with anyone else,’ he said, sipping his tea, all the time his eyes bore into Kit’s face. ‘Why did you turn Sasha away the last time?’
‘I was unsure about something. She told me the truth and I didn’t believe her.’
‘What was it?’
‘I don’t want to say.’
‘I see’
‘Do you have a number for her? Is there anyone you know who can help me?’
‘If the ladies aren’t helping then there must be good reason,’ he said softly, touching Kit’s hand. Justin looked down. ‘Once upon a time I couldn’t touch you without you flinching or pulling away. Now, not even a second thought. She did something good for you.’
‘But I didn’t do something good for her.’
‘You might have,’ said Justin, frowning. ‘You might have done something very good for the both of you.’
‘Like what?’
‘She still comes for tap lessons,’ his brother says quietly. Kit just stared at him in disbelief. ‘I give her private lessons when she knows you’re not there. There’s something else,’ his brother said. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you but…’ Justin stopped and stared at him for a while.
‘What’s wrong? Is she okay? Please tell me,’ he begged, holding tightly onto his brother’s hand, making Justin smile.
‘My god, you really are in love with her.’
‘Desperately and totally. How long has she been taking these lessons for?’
‘This time, five weeks.’
‘Five weeks! Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You’ll find, little brother, you’ve only just told me what you’ve been up to.’
‘But-.’
‘Come see me on Tuesday. Wait until half eleven and let yourself in. There’ll be no-one around other than me and Sasha. Don’t muck this up! If you love her, like you say you do, then you’ll do the right thing and sort it out. She’s been through a lot. I think this is why the ladies didn’t say anything. They were going to leave it to me.’
‘Why?’
‘Because they know they can trust me, that’s why and I’d have your best interests at heart. You? Well, that’s a whole different story altogether.’
‘Dad are you sure?’
… Grace asked, while they looked at cushions a few days later. ‘I think the ones you’ve got are alright.’
It was one of many numerous trips to the DIY and home shops he’d made. Kit couldn’t keep still. There was so much nervous energy pent up inside him.
‘But don’t you think the place needs something more?’ he asked, glancing down at his pretty daughter’s confused expression while people jostled around them. ‘I thought this might liven it up.’
‘You don’t need them,’ she shrugged, pulling her tablet out of her bag. ‘The flat is nice as it is.’
‘But it’s missing something.’
‘A girlfriend,’ she sighed, shaking her head as if he’d missed the point.
Then it happened.
The sudden grasping panic attack about Sasha and if she no longer loved him.
‘What’s wrong?’ Grace said, suddenly worried. ‘You went all pale and looked sick. Are you alright? Should we go home?’
The fear on her face made him realise he should never let down the people he loved again.
‘I’m fine, Gracie,’ he said, stooping down to make eye contact. ‘I just made a silly mistake and upset someone I care about. I want her to see that I was wrong for ever questioning her, that’s all.’
‘Like when you accuse me of not eating fruit and I have,’ she said knowingly, shaking her head from side to side. ‘I’d had six grapes.’
‘Then why was one under the chair?’
‘I don’t know,’ she shrugged, her cheeks going pink.
Kit laughed and kissed her forehead before letting out a massive sigh.
‘Is it the lady you were telling me about?’
‘I made her sad,’ he said, all of a sudden feeling glum. ‘And she won’t make contact with me and I don’t know where she is, but I do now.’
‘How come?’
‘Uncle Justin told me.’
‘And what are you going to do when you find her?’
‘That’s a good question,’ he sighed, still staring at the cushions. ‘Trust her, I suppose and hope she trusts me.’
‘I can do this.’
… he said to himself, all morning.
He hadn’t slept the night before, scared Sasha would just walk away and confirm it was over for good.
That was the last thing he wanted to hear.
All his doubts about her and their relationship had disappeared.
Kit knew what he wanted.
Sasha.
He just wasn’t quite sure if she was forgiving in that way, considering what Estella told him. And she had good reason to be disappointed and upset with him as his accusation was pretty horrendous.
And now, as he had found out, not true.
Justin called him the night before and gone through it again.
His fundamental line was not to upset her in any way, shape or form. If Kit did, Justin would eject him personally from the building.
Kit was to walk in at the designated time and pretend it was a coincidence.
From the sound of it, even her little elderly crew weren’t aware she was taking tap lessons at the studio.
Not even her mother.
Sasha just wanted to be alone, so Justin said.
He tried to extract more information from his brother, who remained tight lipped.
His heart was beating so fast, he felt like he was going to be sick. Clutching the keys, he reached out and opened the door, his hand trembled making the keys jangle.
‘Calm,’ he said to himself, knowing he was the one who was more scared. ‘I can do this, I can make this work.’
Opening the door, he gently shut it and wondered if he should call out Justin’s name. He heard music an
d realised they were in the first floor studio.
Slowly he climbed the steps, swallowing hard and wondered how she’d react.
Then he stopped by the door and peered in, making sure no-one would notice.
He could see Justin prancing about then he saw her.
She was wearing a large light grey hooded cardigan that covered her from head to mid-calf. They were tapping, not too vigorously, but quite fast, repeating the action again and again.
He jealously watched his brother take her hand and guide her through the steps, laughing at what she was doing.
‘Are you sure you’re feeling up to it,’ Justin asked.
Sasha nodded.
Then he caught her reflection in the mirror and his heart ached. Her cheeks were quite flushed and she’d broken out into a slight sheen, all the while looking at her feet.
Her hands swayed with the music and she seemed like she was tapping on air based on how easily she moved around.
A fear gripped Kit.
He didn’t want to burst in and make her angry. She looked serene, enjoying her time with Justin but he had to talk to her.
Give it one last try.
Third time lucky, he hoped.
Taking a deep breath, he flung open the studio door.
This one last meeting meant too much to him and he was determined to put it right.
All for the love of Sasha.
‘I could hear the music and-.’
… Kit stopped talking as soon as she turned to look at him. ‘Sasha?’
‘Ah,’ Justin said, looking at Kit then at her. ‘I didn’t know you were coming.’
She stood rooted the spot then looked away before walking to her bag.
‘I’ll leave you,’ she quietly said, her back turned to them.
Justin immediately gestured for Kit to speak but he was at a loss on what to say.
All his well-rehearsed speeches were forgotten.
‘Sasha, I love you!’ he blurted out quickly, watching Justin roll his eyes in dismay. ‘I made a mistake and I’m really sorry.’
Slowly she stood up and he saw her shaking her head from side to side, then turned to look at him, holding her bag firmly in her arms.
