ShouldveKnownBetter

by Cassandra Carr

  Sebastian’s arraignment was at seven the next morning, and the judge did dismiss the charges after the Storm’s lawyer gave him Sebastian’s blood test results, showing there was GHB in his system. Sarah’s heart broke for about the millionth time in the past eight hours as Sebastian’s eyes closed, tears leaking from the outside corners.

  He was having trouble keeping himself upright as exhaustion continued to do battle with the drugs still in his system. The judge declared him free to go, and they all left together, Rob supporting his friend with an arm around his waist. Sebastian didn’t even spare Sarah a glance, instead speaking to Rob in low tones. The only thing Sarah could see was that his eyes, even beyond the obvious exhaustion, were dead. Her Sebastian was gone.

  Rob helped him into the passenger’s seat and Sebastian promptly curled into himself. Sarah stepped to the window, but Rob stopped her. “I know you want to talk to him, but he’s really upset and not thinking clearly. Let him get some sleep and I’m sure things will be better.” He glanced over at Keith and Jon, who had trailed them out. “I’ll be in for practice. Should I get him up?”

  “No, let him sleep the drug off,” Keith answered. “I’ll be in touch with the NHL and the NHLPA about what they want to do. The team won’t suspend him as long as he undergoes some counseling, and I’m sure the NHLPA will argue for no recourse, but I’m thinking the NHL may disagree. He did get arrested, after all, and they might not want to let that go. Have him call me when he wakes and I’ll give him an update.”

  Rob nodded and got into the car as Keith faced Sarah. “You and I need to talk. For now, go home and get some sleep, but I want to see you in my office at one o’clock. Got that?”

  “Yes. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

  “That’s not worth a whole hell of a lot right now, Sarah. Go home.”

  With a heavy heart, Sarah climbed into her car and drove by rote. Once home, she crawled into bed and cried for what Sebastian must be going through. Despite their problems, it killed her not to be there with him. She understood much of what he must be going through, yet he’d shut her out.

  Maybe he couldn’t see past their recent troubles enough to remember she’d dealt with a similar situation. Perhaps in time he would open up and let her help him.

  Her alarm rang at a little before noon and she groaned. She’d been deep in the midst of a heavy sleep and her feet were leaden as she trudged to the shower. She wasn’t sure what to expect and had no idea what to wear. What attire was appropriate for finding out your dreams were over because of your own stupidity? She’d lost or was going to lose everything, so what did it really matter?

  Now wasn’t the time for a breakdown. She could do that later. Now, she needed to get her ass in gear to the executioner, this time in the form of Keith and Doug.

  Standing in front of her closet, she debated between the skirts and sweater sets she’d worn at the beginning of the year and a track suit like she often wore now. With a sigh, she pulled out a skirt and a thick sweater, as if the sheer bulk of the garment would protect her from anything Keith had to say.

  She arrived at Keith’s office, and Karen, her normally sunny demeanor absent, waved Sarah in without a word. Keith and Jon were both there. They looked like hell and she was sure neither had slept yet. Sarah had a sudden sense of déjà vu as she took in the tableau. She’d started her job here, and now it was most likely going to end here. The irony was not lost on her.

  Yes, it might end, but not without a fight.

  “Sit down, Sarah,” Keith said, and her legs gave up the fight to keep her upright. She sank into the nearest chair. “Why don’t you tell us how you came to be involved with Sebastian?”

  Sarah took a few much-needed seconds to breathe deeply and gather herself. Jon tended to react to things emotionally, whereas Keith was more intellectual and business-like. How could she appeal to both personalities?

  Concentrating on Keith’s face, she began. “I know staff isn’t supposed to get personally involved with players, and I want you to know I certainly didn’t enter into the relationship lightly. We fought our attraction for months, but with Sebastian and I in such close proximity, it became increasingly difficult.

  “Around Christmastime we got together. Recently, we’ve been fighting about how open we should be about dating, and Sebastian was very upset with me. I don’t know if we’re even still together, so all of this might be a moot point soon.” She stopped talking and waited for the ax to fall.

  Keith folded his hands on the desk and gazed at Sarah. She tried not to squirm under his scrutiny. “Did you at any time let your relationship with Sebastian influence you with regard to your recommendations?”

  “No, at least not once I realized there was the potential for that,” Sarah answered. “In fact, I’ve been particularly cognizant of the conflict of interest to make sure it never happened.”

  “I believe you. I’m not happy about the relationship itself or your obvious lack of propriety, and I wish you hadn’t hidden it like you did. It makes it much more difficult to trust you, Sarah, and I like to trust the people who work for me. That being said, you’re both consenting adults, and while I could forbid you from seeing each other or I could fire you, I’m not going to do either.”

  Sarah caught movement to the side and swung her stunned gaze over to Jon, who nodded. “I agree. I don’t like it either, but I’m of the same opinion, firing you would not be the best choice.”

  It took every ounce of willpower she possessed not to hang her mouth open like a hooked fish. Jon didn’t think she should be fired? Sarah gripped the arms of the chair, trying to process what was happening. She wasn’t getting fired.

  I’m not getting fired. Oh my God, I’m not getting fired.

  “Oh, thank you so much, both of you. You have no idea—”

  Keith held up his hand. “I’m not done. You’ll be suspended for the next five games without pay. During that time you will be barred from the arena completely. After that, the matter will be considered closed, with a few conditions.”

  Anything. I’ll do anything.

  “One, you will not let your relationship with Sebastian get in the way of doing your job in an objective, responsible manner. Two, any decision directly affecting Sebastian is a conflict of interest and you will be required to remove yourself from the discussion. You can be present, but you will not be able to make a recommendation one way or the other. Three, you and Sebastian need to be discreet. I don’t want this thing to turn into a circus act. By the way, do the players know about this?”

  Sarah bit her lip. The guys weren’t stupid and she was sure some suspected and wouldn’t be surprised. “Rob knows. I think that’s it.”

  Keith nodded. “All right. I expect you to handle the players before you leave today. Do you understand everything I’ve told you?”

  Sarah nodded, still dumbfounded by their decision.

  “Good. Sebastian will be fined for his part in this, but we won’t suspend him. He’s a young, impetuous man and you’re much more experienced. You should’ve known better and not gotten involved with him. As I said, we’ll consider the matter closed unless either of you gives us a reason to re-examine the conditions of the situation.”

  Relief flooded over Sarah. She still had her job. Sebastian might hate her, but she still had her job. She smiled for the first time in weeks and said, “You won’t have to reconsider your choice. I won’t let you down again.”

  Jon’s steely gray eyes settled on Sarah as they got into the elevator after leaving Keith’s office. “He just cut you a huge break.”

  “I know, and I’m grateful, believe me.”

  “This could’ve ruined your career. It could still ruin your career if you’re not careful.”

  “I know that too.”

  Jon gave her a terse nod before she exited the elevator. Sarah headed straight for her office. She found Doug waiting for her.

  “Rob told me what happened. Do I need to help you pack?”r />
  Sarah shut the door behind her and plopped into her desk chair. “No. I didn’t get fired.”

  “Are you serious?” He let out a long whistle. “So what did they say? Are they forbidding you to date him?”

  “No, they’re not doing that either. Not that it matters, since I don’t think we’re even together anymore. Keith acknowledged that we’re both consenting adults and he could hardly forbid us to date. He suspended me without pay for five games. When I heard that was all management planned to do I could hardly believe it. I’m pretty sure my mouth was hanging open.”

  “What the hell did you say to bring about that miracle?”

  “Not much, actually. It was Keith’s decision. He said firing me was not in the best interest of the team, which is his first priority. He’s going to allow the relationship, if there even is one, as long as it doesn’t interfere with team operations.”

  Doug whistled again. “You dodged quite a bullet there, Sarah.”

  Sarah rubbed her temples. She needed to get better medication than ibuprofen for her constant stress headaches. “I am aware of that, thanks. But now I need to tell the team and then leave. They said I can’t even be on arena property during my suspension.

  “Hey, did Rob tell everybody or is that too much to wish for?” She smiled ruefully. “For once, having someone blab would be a lot easier than me facing them.”

  Doug shifted in his chair. “As far as I know they aren’t aware of the situation. Obviously most of them had heard about the arrest.”

  “Great. What should I say? I have to tell them something, but I’m not even sure if Sebastian and I are together.”

  “Just tell them the truth. You were dating and things got a little rocky, and then this happened and you’d appreciate it if they let you and Sebastian work things out yourselves.”

  “Geez, when did you become so wise?”

  Doug grinned.

  “Don’t answer that.” She tilted her head to the side. “Why did Rob tell you what happened?”

  Shrugging, Doug said, “He said you’d need a friend.”

  “Just when I think I know that kid…”

  ****

  Whereas last night Sebastian only wanted to sleep, now he was alternating between sleep and wanting to climb the walls. His heartbeat was elevated, which Rob told him was a symptom of the GBH leaving his body. Nausea still gripped him and his head was pounding. But considering what could’ve happened, Sebastian was grateful for the temporary maladies.

  Rob had been forcing him to drink water slowly but steadily all day. Finally the evening after the “date,” Sebastian was able to keep down toast and chicken soup and his head was starting to clear. With it came clarity in emotions and he couldn’t believe how angry he was at Sarah. He didn’t want to blame her for this, but he wouldn’t have been part of that charity auction if their relationship had been public knowledge. Sebastian had never been this fuming mad before, and it scared him.

  When the lawyer called to give him more details about the investigation, Sebastian only got madder. Timothy said the women admitted to drugging him in an effort to get pregnant and extort money from him. Not only was he horrified anyone would do that, he couldn’t believe they’d hatched this plan around a charity event. The whole disaster was wrong on so many levels, and he couldn’t wrap his head around it.

  He was staring at the television without seeing it when Rob walked in with a couple of ibuprofen and yet more water. After handing it to him, Rob sat opposite him on the recliner. “Sarah’s been texting me. She’s worried about you and she wants you to know she’s here for you.”

  “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Sebastian was surprised how flat and lifeless his voice sounded. Maybe everything hadn’t even sunk in. When it did, how much of a freaking mess would he be then? “Going to bed. Thanks for your help.”

  “Anytime, bud. You know that.”

  With a tired wave, Sebastian left the room and then crawled back into bed. Maybe a good night of sleep would fix him up.

  The only thing the cold light of the next day brought him was more anger. He wanted those women to pay. And even worse, for the first time since he’d met Sarah, he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. The rational part of his mind knew she wasn’t responsible for what those women had done—how could anyone have predicted something like that would happen?—but the less-logical part of him wanted her to suffer like he was.

  Rob had told him of Sarah’s suspension, and while he was glad she hadn’t gotten fired, it would only make things harder once she got back. If he had to see her every day he wasn’t sure how he would react. The NHL mandated he undergo counseling, and he was actually looking forward to having someone objective help him sort out some of these feelings. Right now they swam around and around in his head and he feared he’d lose it at the slightest provocation. His emotions were all over the map; out of control, and he hated it.

  ****

  Sarah saw Eve the day after her suspension had been handed down and told the therapist everything, starting with her and Sebastian breaking up, to the auction, Sebastian’s drugging, and her subsequent suspension.

  “Wow, you’ve been busy since we met last.”

  “Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”

  “Have you spoken to Sebastian?”

  “No, and I don’t know when I will. Rob told me to give him time. I can’t believe I was so stupid. If I could’ve just been honest about the fact we were seeing each other none of this would’ve happened.”

  “Sarah, you can’t beat yourself up about that. The past is the past and we can’t change it. The only thing you can do now is control how you react in the present and how you plan for the future.”

  “Easy for you to say.”

  By the time her hour was over, her throat was dry and she was even more exhausted. Despite that, she needed to know how Sebastian was before she totally lost her mind with worry.

  Sarah texted Rob and he promptly wrote back, Seb madder than hell. Having trouble dealing with stuff.

  She was relieved he had such a good friend in Rob, but it rankled that she couldn’t be there to help. Sarah texted back, Try to get him to a counselor.

  Doesn’t wanna talk about it. Will try again later. Rob replied and her heart sank.

  Rob sent her another message a while later. NHL making Seb go to therapist.

  She was happy they were taking the choice out of his hands. Even so, she wanted so badly to help him herself, but knew she couldn’t. Plz be sure Seb knows I’m here for him, day or night.

  Rob told her he would. When she’d heard nothing by the next day, she texted Rob again. She hated bothering him, but this was the only way to get honest answers about Sebastian.

  Told Seb last night you were there if he needed you. Went back to bed. Reminded this morning & he said he wanted time.

  With a heavy heart Sarah tried to leave him alone, but after a couple more days of no communication from Sebastian she went to his house.

  He answered the door, and as soon as he saw her, his already beaten-down expression shuttered. “I got the messages. I just haven’t wanted to talk to you. I figured that would be clear when I didn’t call you back.”

  Sarah had never seen him like he had been since the arrest. The Sebastian she knew was happy and easy-going, not sullen and sarcastic. She wasn’t sure what to do with or say to this version of Sebastian. “I know, I was just—”

  “Just what, Sarah? Wanting to make things worse? Wanting to freak me out? Can’t you understand I don’t want to deal with you right now? Parts of me just want to hug you and never let go, but then other parts remember how you treated me and I get so angry. It’s confusing and I don’t need it on top of what I’m already dealing with.”

  His words punctured something deep inside her. Knowing the words were completely inadequate, she said, “I’m so sorry.”

  “Sorry doesn’t take any of this away.” His voice rose. “I wouldn’t have even done the stupi
d auction if you would’ve gone public about us. So if you want to know the truth, I blame you for this.” He waved a hand when Sarah gave a strangled cry. “Not for all of it, of course, but I wouldn’t be in this situation, feeling so violated, if it wasn’t for you. I’m guessing you can understand why I’d be feeling like that, so I’m surprised you’re even here.”

  The last sentence was like a physical blow, and Sarah’s hand flew up to her mouth. For a moment she saw a flicker of the old Sebastian, as if he regretted what he’d said, but then he closed the door in her face. She willed herself not to break down right on his front doorstep. With clumsy steps, she made it back to her car. She’d lost him. Her own fear had ruined one of the only good things to ever have happened to her.

  Rob called her that evening after the little scene between her and Sebastian. He wasn’t happy she’d gone over there, and he told her to stay away from Sebastian until he was ready to talk to her.

  She’d relented immediately. Obviously Sebastian needed time and professional help to work through his anger. The old Sebastian was in there somewhere. He had a quiet inner strength she’d admired from the beginning, and would bounce back from this, probably far faster than she had from her attack. That didn’t mitigate the guilt for causing him pain though, and if he needed more time, she’d give it to him. In the meantime, she had plenty of her own issues to deal with.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The first day after her return from suspension, Sarah gathered her legal pad, pen, and cell phone, taking comfort in the familiar routine. Locking her office door, she headed down the hall toward the video room.

  “Couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?”

  Her head snapped up. “Excuse me?” Lost in her own problems, she hadn’t noticed Lou coming from the other direction.

  “You heard me, you little hussy. You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of a boy who’s young enough to be your son.” His lip curled and the color rose in his face.