Times of Trouble

by Victoria Rollison

  Times of Trouble

  Victoria Rollison

  Published by Victoria Rollison at Smashwords

  Prologue

  Wrapped in her huge fur coat, face hidden below the soft hood, she marched angrily along the street. She hadn't realised it was freezing until she got outside, but she was too proud to go back. Slamming the door was her final word in their latest argument.

  Ever since the text message arrived, she had tried to get him to talk about it, to come up with a plan to make this problem go away. How could he be too arrogant to admit they were in trouble? He didn't want to be told he should have listened to her in the first place. So they just ended up yelling at each other. When he said everything was fine she wanted to believe him, and probably could have if there wasn’t so much fear in his eyes.

  As she strode through Battersea Park, her phone rang again. He’d been calling every couple of minutes since she left, and was no doubt getting angrier and angrier when she didn’t answer. It was one of their worst arguments. He totally freaked out when she said money wasn't everything, and she wanted to stop working. And when she screamed that she planned to leave London, he looked like he was going to throw something at her. It wasn't just the text message, or the heat of battle, prompting these threats. This damp, cold city wasn't exciting anymore. Her life used to feel sophisticated and special. But lately it just felt lonely.

  She crossed back over Albert Bridge, turned away from the wind, and rubbed her nose to warm it. She could picture him pacing the apartment, shoulders hunched, phone pressed against his ear, cursing her for not answering. He hated it when he lost control of her, when she wasn't doing what she was told. She would stay with Katie tonight, give him time to calm down and start thinking about how he might fix things.

  As she glanced at her phone, he rang again. This time she answered, and said abruptly: 'I'm not coming back tonight Danny...'

  'Where are you? Just come home babe.'

  'No, I'm tired of this. I'm so stressed out and...' Her outburst was interrupted by the sound of the intercom bleep in the apartment.

  'Did you forget your key?'

  'No, I told you, I'm not coming back tonight.'

  Through the phone, she could hear the speaker next to the door crackle, and could just make out a male voice saying: ‘I’ve got a delivery for the penthouse’, and louder, her boyfriend replying, ‘Ok, I’ll buzz you up’. Then he was back on the line.

  ‘There's a delivery. Are you expecting anything?’

  He sounded tired and tense. Maybe she should go home, and try to make up. She heard his footsteps cross the foyer, and the clunk of the deadlock clicking open. Then she heard two sounds in quick succession. The first was the crack of a gunshot, deafening through the phone. The second was the clatter of his mobile hitting the floor. Her heart seemed to turn in her chest, and her hand trembled, as she heard two voices echoing in the apartment.

  ‘Where is she? ...Check the bedroom... She isn’t here.’

  She could hear them stamping on the polished floorboards. Finally the door slammed, and then there was an eerie silence. She screamed into the phone for a few seconds, but he didn’t reply.

  She stood momentarily frozen to the spot. Was there any chance he was still alive? She couldn’t risk going back to check. She focused on her phone, ready to call an ambulance. But she didn’t want anyone to know who she was. She didn’t want people asking questions. She threw the phone away from her as hard as she could. It ricocheted off the bridge railing and splashed into the water, hardly noticeable in the vast Thames murk. Then she turned, and staggered towards a phone box. Barely able to control her panic, she dialled 999, and gave the operator the apartment’s address. There was nothing more she could do for him. She had her purse, and the clothes she was wearing. She had to run. First she would warn Katie. Then she would disappear.

  Chapter 1

  At first I thought the bank had made a mistake. Some processing error or administrative glitch, which sent this letter to the wrong customer. I even checked if it was actually addressed to us. Maybe the postman put it in the wrong mail box? But of course he didn’t. It was addressed to Sandra Goddard, my mother, who had lived in this house for twenty years. The postman knew that, and apparently the National Australia Bank did too. It just didn’t make any sense. How could mum be defaulting on a mortgage, when she owned this house outright for over ten years? I vaguely remembered the day she and dad celebrated their last mortgage payment. I must have been about thirteen, as dad left before my fourteenth birthday. At least mum got the house, fully paid for.

  The huge red letters LATE PAYMENT screamed at me from the top of the page. I heard mum come inside, and start unpacking the groceries. She jumped as I confronted her in the kitchen, waving the bank’s notice in my hand.

  ‘Mum, what the hell is going on with this letter?’

  ‘I’ve told you before not to open my mail.’ From her expression, it was obvious she quickly worked out what the ‘letter’ was about, and wasn’t planning on discussing it with me.

  ‘But what’s going on? You never pay anything late! And why do you need a mortgage?’ I was surprised to see that mum looked more scared than angry.

  ‘Ellen, it’s none of your business. Just forget about it!’ she said repressively.

  ‘But if you don’t pay a mortgage on a house, they take it away from you! I live here too!’

  ‘For god’s sake, it’s not going to come to that. I’ll sort it out.’

  ‘I should have known you’d be too proud to tell me about it. You love this house. How could you risk losing it? And why do you need the money anyway?’

  ‘Just leave it Ellen’.

  She side stepped round me, determined as usual to avoid a confrontation by leaving the scene. I heard the front door close and the car start.

  Money was something that was never discussed in our family. After dad left, I always suspected things were a bit tight. It wasn’t like we could ever afford a new car, or an overseas holiday. I don’t think dad ever paid any maintenance; back in those days I suppose it was easier for fathers to get away with disappearing, and forgetting they ever had a family. Mum wanted to spend as much time with us as possible. So she found a job as a teacher’s aide, where she worked school hours, and had plenty of holidays. After a while, we never mentioned dad anymore.

  For a moment, I wished I had never gone to the letterbox. Or been curious enough about the letter to open it. But as usual, I was bored, and the postman arriving was the first interesting thing that happened all day. How sad was that? Having seen it, I couldn’t just ignore it. I sat in stunned silence for a while, and then tried ringing mum’s mobile about five times, hearing it go straight to voicemail. Mum was a smart woman, a little rigid in her views sometimes, but certainly never silly about money. Had something changed? My mind raced over different possibilities. Did mum have a gambling habit? She was always a bit neurotic: did this make her susceptible to addiction? Had she taken out a loan to cover a debt to someone? Had she just been spending the money without me noticing? What if someone tricked her into giving them thousands and thousands of dollars? Was she losing her mind? She was only 54. How much money were we talking about? And why had I been left totally in the dark about this?

  Then on top of all this, came the final blow: my feeling of guilt. I never moved out of home because I needed mum. She was there for me through all the ups and downs of my piano career, if you can call a failed attempt at fame a career. She always encouraged me to keep going. Even if it meant going without things herself, to save up for the entry fee for another competition or the next interstate trip. When I gave up, after 15 long years of trying, I wasn’t in any state to move out. Even if I wasn’t close to nervous
breakdown half the time, popping HP’s to get out of bed in the morning, I couldn’t afford to move out. Simple as that. I was pathetic. Mum cared for me, paid all the bills, bought all the food, looked after the house. And all the time, she was worrying about some mortgage which she obviously couldn't afford to pay, while I lounged around like a lazy, miserable freeloader. My measly income as a piano teacher didn't go very far, and mum always said she was happy for me to live rent free until I could afford to contribute. But why didn’t she ask me for help when she couldn’t pay the mortgage? I didn’t earn much, but she never even asked. Did mum think I was so selfish I wouldn’t want to help? And why hadn't she told me about the mortgage in the first place?

  After a couple of hours passed, in which I kept my mind distracted by playing an entire book of Beethoven’s Sonatas, I heard mum’s car pull into the drive. I had no idea what mood to expect her to be in. She looked surprisingly fine as she walked in, and sat on the sofa. I finished the piece, hoping she could enjoy a short recital before having the inevitable conversation with me.

  ‘I’ve always liked that one,’ she commented, which she said so often I couldn’t think of anything I played that she didn't like. I turned around on my stool, inviting her to tell me what was going on.

  ‘What would you like for dinner? I’ve defrosted some chops but we could have them tomorrow if you don’t feel like them now. It’s a bit hot for chops.’

  ‘Mum, don't worry about dinner. Why have you taken out a mortgage and stopped paying it? We could lose the house...’

  ‘Darling, it’s not your concern. Please don’t stress. I’m going to sort it out.’

  ‘So you're not going to tell me what you used the money for? You’ll just wait until the day they come to take the house, and then tell me I have to find somewhere else to live?’ Tears welled in my eyes.

  ‘Don’t be so melodramatic Ellen! I’ve got a bit behind on a mortgage which was used for something that doesn’t concern you. It’s my business, and I’ll tell you about it when I’m ready.’

  Was she serious? How is worry about losing your home melodramatic? Was it mum’s pride – or did she think I was too much of a mess to be able to deal with whatever it was?

  ‘What are you going to do when they come to take the house? Ask them not to? Because it will be too late by then. What's wrong with you?’ I could no longer keep the anger out of my voice.

  Mum was finally starting to lose her composure. ‘It won’t get to that, I hope.’

  ‘But mum, can’t you even tell me how much it is? You obviously haven’t been able to afford it so far, so what’s going to change between now and tomorrow?’

  Mum shrugged, and her head dropped. She didn’t even have words to convince herself now. And to my dismay, she started to cry.

  ‘Please tell me what’s going on. How much money do we need?’

  ‘Ellen, I promise it will be ok. I can see you're upset I haven't told you what’s been happening, but, well, you know how things have been with you, and I didn’t want to make it worse. I promise we won’t be homeless.’

  ‘Let me help you.’

  Mum nodded. I was finally getting somewhere.

  ‘Can you at least show me the paperwork?’ She nodded again, and surprisingly, got up from the sofa to fetch it.

  She handed me a manila folder labelled ‘mortgage’, and left me to read it. There were only few sheets of paper inside. On top was an official contract, with a lot of jargon and terms and conditions. It was dated 1st November 2008. Almost 3 months ago! On the second page there was a section, filled in by hand, showing our address under the heading of ‘secured asset’. Then the maximum loan amount was written under ‘mortgage facility’. It said $20,000. I felt a small sense of relief. Surely the payments on a $20,000 loan weren’t really huge? There were only three monthly statements, and I flipped through them. It appeared mum had been paying $155 for the first month. Not so much money really? I looked at the most recent statement. The repayments on this were $530 a month. They almost tripled since November! No wonder she couldn’t afford them. That was a huge chunk of her pay. It took me a lot of muddling through, and laying the statements in order side by side, until I worked out the loan amount increased over the last 3 months from $20,000 to $50,000, and then more recently to $80,000. I also worked out exactly how much was due to stop the threat of repossession- $610. Definitely not enough money to lose your house over. But also more money than either mum or I had.

  I knew immediately what I would do to get this money. That would at least keep the bank from taking the house. I knew mum would feel bad about how I was going to raise the funds. And I thought I might feel even worse. So I decided to do it before I told her, and before I lost the nerve to act. Then and there, I listed my piano for sale on eBay. I set the reserve at $5,000 because similar looking baby grand pianos seemed to be selling for about that much on the site already. My plan was to pay back the debt, and then have enough left over to keep paying the mortgage until we worked out how else to pay it.

  Mum and I named my piano Picasso because we thought he was beautiful, even if he did take up most of the space in our front room. I spent more time with him than any other creature on the planet, other than mum of course. And, sad to admit, I thought of him as my friend. Sometimes I talked to him, telling him how I was feeling, or got angry at him when I was mad. I won him in a young performers’ competition when I was 17. I was absolutely sure I‘d won as soon as I finished my final piece, Schubert’s Sonata in B-flat major, D. 960. I must have practiced that sonata hundreds of times in the weeks leading up to the competition. Mum knew every single note. She would sit and listen to me practising, wincing when my finger missed a beat or when a flat turned into a sharp. As I played the final triumphant bars that night at the competition, I risked looking out over the audience, and saw her with her chin resting on her clasped hands, willing me to play it perfectly. I wasn’t surprised when the judges announced me as the winner. I was so sure of myself back then. I thought I was destined to win every prize. Destined to win scholarships, get prestigious recording contracts and perform with famous orchestras. That’s why it took so long for my faith to waiver, and eventually come crashing down around my ears.

  I didn’t get out of bed for a month after I finally came to terms with the fact I wasn’t going to be a solo pianist. I might be good, but there were always people who were better, or luckier, or in the right place at the right time. The final realisation came when I was eliminated in the semi finals of the Sydney International Piano Competition. I knew the great concert pianists had already made it by the time they were my age. I got close, but not close enough. The adjudicator’s critique of my performance was the final blow to an already flimsy hope. I remembered her words like it was yesterday: ‘Miss Goddard obviously has an impressive talent. Her recital was very well executed, and technically brilliant. However, it lacked a certain quality, a heart, you may say.’ I didn’t even have time to hate her, because I was too busy hating myself. Mum and I spent days discussing what she meant, how I could manufacture a solution for this ‘heartless’ problem. You see, people had said this to me before. Did I need to look like I was enjoying myself more? Or try to connect with the audience better? But no matter how much I practised playing with ‘heart’, I couldn't convince myself anything changed. So I gave up.

  It was the darkest time of my life, those first few days after realising there was no point going on. I woke up every night at 3:00 am and spent hours trying to get back to sleep, my mind full of hatred and hurt at my ruined dreams. It wasn’t like someone I loved died. It was worse than that. I felt like I had died. The person I planned to be had died, and with that realisation, my will to live disappeared. The weeks that followed were like a muddy dream, filled with days of tears, the occasional meal, sleep, and sulking. Mum put up with all this. I lost a lot of weight, and sure, I wasn’t exactly looking after myself. Showering and brushing my teeth were completely lost from my daily routine. But th
e thing that worried mum most was my lack of speech. The day she demanded I go to the doctor with her, she claimed I hadn’t said a word for three days. The doctor put me on HP’s. My prescription was for anti depressants but I hated the word ‘depressed’ so I called them Happy Pills.

  After a while, the HP’s started to work a bit. It wasn't that I felt happy, but the deep, hollow misery was blunted. One day I got out of bed, and said to mum that I had to do something with my life. I couldn’t become an invalid at the age of 24. So I made do with the only career choice I had left - piano teacher. When I finally felt brave enough to leave the house, and people asked me how my piano playing was going, I brought out the old line ‘those who can do, those who can’t teach’, so as to give them a laugh, and show I was coping fine. But I wasn’t fine and I’m still not fine.

  I slowly realised I had spent most of my life hiding behind my piano playing. It was like my talent was such an important part of me, I never bothered to become anyone except ‘Ellen the amazing pianist’. And without that, who was I? I’d never been very sociable. I’d never been extroverted, or even what one might call friendly. But I could wow people by playing beautiful music, which made me happy. I pictured people who knew me listening to me play, and feeling proud they were part of my life. But why would anyone want to know me if I wasn’t a pianist? What else did I have to offer them apart from that? And now I didn’t see anyone. Except mum and my students. I guess my students couldn't come anymore, now I was losing Picasso. But that was tomorrow’s problem. Today mum’s problem took centre stage. It had been hanging over her all this time, and I was too self centred even to notice. It was amazing how the sudden threat of homelessness put life into perspective.

  I felt a bit better for knowing how much we owed. But I still had absolutely no idea how we came to owe it in the first place. And it dawned on me that mum didn't tell me what the money was for, because whatever it was, she knew I wasn’t going to like it.