Shades of Atlantis

by Carol Oates

  Easy, she moaned. It’s not even morning yet.

  Almost, I informed her jokingly, grabbing a pillow from behind her head and sitting against the bars at the end of her bed with the pillow pressed between my chest and my raised knees.

  Amanda blinked, trying to focus on the clock half-hidden on her bedside table among scraps of colored paper. Her eyes widened. It’s eight-fifteen! she exclaimed, finally focusing.

  Your mom was up; she let me in, I offered by way of an explanation for the early morning wake-up call on a Saturday.

  Yeah, well, she probably got to bed before three, she groaned, dragging the remaining pillow from under her head and squashing it over her face with both hands. It sounded like I had missed some night, not that I would swap it for mine, even with the Chris thing and the inevitable heartbreak I was setting myself up for.

  Amanda’s dark green dress lay in a mound of crumpled silk on the floor beside her bed. I hadn’t known what she was planning to wear last night; she was unusually secretive about it. The green was similar to the color of Ben’s eyes, which was a surprise choice. I wondered if it was intentional and opened my mouth about to ask, but Amanda interrupted with a long sigh into the pillow still over her face.

  I know why you’re here, she accused. The tone in her voice made me suspect she knew something about last night. I wasn’t actually going to tell her about kissing Caleb. Amanda was amazing at gathering gossip, but even she couldn’t know about it already. I was sure we had been alone up there.

  What do you mean? I asked innocently. I came to find out how last night went.

  Amanda pulled the pillow sharply from her face to her chest and held it there. She still had her makeup on from last night, although most of it was smudged on one side of her face. Her hair was sticking out everywhere, but she still looked better than I did most mornings.

  Chris showed up at the after party. He told us about Caleb jumping him. She narrowed her eyes. Well?

  The nerve of that guy! Did he have no shame at all? Maybe he didn’t take Caleb seriously. Or maybe he was just the meathead I thought he was in the first place. I punched the pillow across my lap in frustration.

  You mean how Caleb pulled him off me after he tried to feel me up and ripped my shirt?

  Amanda’s nose wrinkled. I didn’t actually believe it happened the way he said.

  I stood up and paced the floor, still clutching the pillow. What did he say? Stephen was supposed to make sure he got home.

  Amanda propped herself up on her elbows. That you were coming onto him and Caleb grabbed him from behind and threw him against a wall. He said Caleb was all over you right in front of him. She paused to measure my reaction.

  I encouraged her to continue by waving my hand in circles.

  He said you were nothing but a tease.

  Nice, I muttered blackly, still pacing.

  Well, he clammed up again as soon as Ben and Jonathan had a word with him, she added.

  I took a calming deep breath and sat back down on the bed with my feet up. So they ended up looking out for me even when I wasn’t there.

  Was he? Amanda grinned, sitting up.

  Was he what?

  Was he all over you?

  I scowled at her. No. I could feel my face starting to flush and shook my hair so it fell over my cheeks. Of course he wasn’t. He was just checking to see if I was okay.

  What was that? Amanda exclaimed with widened eyes.

  I had no idea. It took very little to get Amanda excited; she was a naturally exuberant person. What was what?

  Hold that thought, she instructed, holding her hand to motion a stop sign. She was on the move again, reaching over to grab her phone from her table. She motioned the stop sign again before she dialed. I frowned and waited impatiently to see what she was doing.

  Hi, she said and then paused. Yes, I know what time it is. There was another silence while Amanda studied me. This is just as important as your beauty sleep.

  I guessed it must be Jen on the other end of the line. She lived across the street, and if she was out as late as Amanda, she wouldn’t appreciate being woken early.

  I am too just throw something on over them. She paused You’ve got two minutes, or I’m starting without you, she warned before hanging up.

  Starting what? I asked curiously.

  Interrogations.

  I opened my mouth to ask.

  Ah, she said, cutting me off. Wait for Jen.

  I picked up a discarded interior design magazine from the floor and started to flick through the pages. It didn’t take long for Jen to arrive; the allotted two minutes seemed about right. She looked fresh-faced and beautiful, not in need of beauty sleep at all, and when she took off her woolly hat and shook her head, her hair swung perfectly around her shoulders as if we were watching a live shampoo commercial. Jen unzipped her jacket and threw it on the floor; she still had her pajamas on. She lifted the comforter and hopped into bed beside Amanda, nudging her over.

  What’s so important? she asked, but it sounded more like a complaint as she tugged the comforter up under her chin and snuggled down, shivering.

  She touched her lips, Amanda announced smugly, still watching me like I was about to try escape.

  Jen frowned. You’ve lost me.

  She’d lost me too. I knew she was talking about me, but I had no idea about what. Amanda inhaled deeply, puffing out her cheeks, and then blew out the air through pursed lips.

  She was taking about Caleb Wallace, and she touched her lips.

  I did not!

  Jen still looked baffled. She looked to Amanda for a further explanation.

  Amanda sighed, exasperated. Yes, you did. When I asked if he was all over you last night, you touched your lips.

  I hadn’t, had I? I didn’t think so, but I guessed I could have.

  And? Jen grumbled, still bemused.

  Well, Amanda deduced proudly, it either means she’s thinking about kissing him or she already has.

  I finally saw where she was going with this. It appeared to be dawning on Jen too. Her eyebrows came together in a disapproving frown. Doesn’t it bother you that he has a girlfriend?

  You were the one who said you weren’t sure that was true, I retorted, pushing the comforter away from under me and pulling it up over my legs.

  So you did. Amanda accused, clearly thrilled by her own detective work.

  It was going to be hard to deny, since I knew the answer was there in my flushed cheeks and guilty expression.

  Yes. Amanda smiled widely.

  I really don’t want to talk about it. How did last night go? I asked in a lame attempt to change the subject.

  Jen’s eyes flickered to Amanda with a peculiar expression. I was obviously missing something.

  Amanda pouted. That’s hardly fair, and not very sharing of you. She wasn’t going to let it rest, but I just didn’t want to tell them what I thought happened. None of it seemed real, and last night was like a lifetime ago already.

  Okay, I sighed. I’ll tell you, and then I don’t want to hear another word about it. I glared at Amanda, letting her know this referred to her specifically.

  She smiled, apparently not caring how she got the information, as long as she got it. Jen pretended she wasn’t interested but shifted her position, making herself more comfortable like she was preparing for a long story.

  She would be disappointed. If I was going to preserve the pretense of any dignity, most of last night was on a need to know basis.

  You know what happened with Chris, I began. Jen’s eyebrows raised; I’d forgotten she had only gotten Chris’s side of events. Chris was drunk and coming on strong, and Caleb pulled him off, I explained.

  He called Caleb a nutcase, Jen interjected.

  What? I asked.

  He said Caleb picked him up with one hand and carried him. She said it matter-of-factly, as if giving a weather report.

  I scowled. I didn’t see that. I only saw Chris held against the wall, but Ben co
uld have done that much, considering the state Chris was in. Caleb warned him off and then helped me to the back room. I was a bit shaky. That was obviously when Chris thought he was all over me. I used Amanda’s words for effect, to make the whole thing seem blown out of proportion.

  Then Caleb took me home and that’s all.

  Jen scrutinized my expression carefully. That’s all?

  That’s all, I repeated.

  I’m afraid we’re going to need more than that. Amanda attempted to look stern.

  I’m afraid that’s not going to happen, I told her, pulling my hair down over my cheeks again. Now it’s my turn. Tell me about last night. Jen looked at Amanda with the same odd expression as before, and Amanda was avoiding eye contact.

  It was great, Jen started brightly. Everything was perfect. Jonathan even danced with me to some of the slower music.

  Jonathan didn’t often dance. For a guy that was so graceful on the soccer field, he had no rhythm on the dance floor. Dancing, or the lack of it, was one of the few bones of contention between the two of them.

  Did you have a good time? I asked Amanda.

  She put her two hands over her face, rubbing at her makeup. When she pulled her hands down, mascara smudged her cheeks.

  It was okay, she replied breezily with her head tilted in the usual way when she was considering something.

  Jen rolled her eyes.

  Amanda continued. It wasn’t as bad as I expected. I really quite enjoyed it. The party after was great.

  Yeah. Jen nodded in agreement.

  Yeah, that was definitely the best part, Amanda sighed dreamily. So maybe I hadn’t put her through the torture she was expecting by going with Ben and not having me there.

  After they dissected every last detail of the night, I decided I should probably get Lewis’s pickup back to him. Jen walked out with me.

  Are you mad at me? I asked with my hand on the door of the truck.

  What? She looked surprised. No, not at all. You can’t help who you fall for.

  I’m not falling for him, I protested, shaking my head.

  Yeah, right, she laughed, wrapping her arms across her body to keep warm.

  Really, I insisted. I don’t even really know him. She didn’t seem convinced, but that was crazy. Now she was hopping around and flapping.

  You’ve been dancing around each other for weeks. He talks subtly about you; you talk not so subtly about him. Haven’t you ever heard of love at first sight?

  Of course I’d heard of it. My parents had felt that way. But this wasn’t the same thing, was it? How would I know, anyway? He talks about me?

  Are you mad about the guys last night?

  Jen rolled her eyes. I told you I’m not mad. It’s just —

  It’s the way Jonathan and Ben are always sticking up for me, I finished for her. It bothered me too that they seemed compelled to protect me all the time.

  No. She blew into her cupped hands. I didn’t think it was that cold.

  Maybe it was all the extra blood I was pumping lately, all the extra adrenaline.

  It’s that they have to, she finished.

  I don’t understand.

  It just that you’re so — unobservant. You’re oblivious to everything around you most of the time. She sighed. Things like Chris. You couldn’t see the guy was fixated on you, so you just happily went along with it. There’s other stuff too. You never see what’s right under your nose.

  Like what? I probed guiltily, fiddling with the keys in my hand. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate my friends concern. It was that I didn’t actively seek it, and it made me feel like a burden sometimes.

  Jen’s face turned upward to the sky thoughtfully for a moment. There must have been a lot of examples to choose from.

  Caleb, for instance. She looked back to me. He may or may not be as crazy about you as you clearly are about him, but I’m leaning toward may.

  But you’ll spend so long dithering over details.

  I don’t think a girlfriend is a detail, I reminded her bleakly. You pointed that out yourself.

  I only asked if it made you feel guilty. She sighed again. It’s sad but true that sometimes relationships happen that way. Just because you’re involved with someone doesn’t mean you can’t walk into a room one day and come face to face with the person you’re meant to be with. It’s how you deal with it that matters. She eyed me suspiciously. I know you’re doing it right now.

  Doing what? I scowled.

  Weighing up all the options, examining all the directions. You’ll be eighty by the time you decide that this is something neither of you seem able to fight. You don’t want to admit this is some kind of freaky, we have to be together, love at first sight connection because your parents died. What you fail to remember is they died in a car wreck and not because they followed their instincts about being together.

  Her insight startled me. I never thought Jen had that much interest in psychology.

  I have to go before I freeze my butt off. She leaned in to give me a quick hug before dashing off across the street. Oh yeah, and think about opening your eyes every now and then, she yelled back from the other side.

  I got into the truck and turned on the heater, only noticing how cold it was outside once the cab started to warm up. Jen was right about one thing: I’d never been any good about making decisions. I thought about things too much, and by the time I decided, whatever I was pondering over wasn’t an issue any longer.

  At the house, I met Lewis coming down the stairs.

  Did you have car trouble last night, babes? He must have already seen my note or noticed the empty driveway.

  No, nothing like that, I said shrugging my jacket off. Caleb Wallace brought me home, so my car’s still up at the restaurant.

  Oh, he murmured, barely hiding the interest in his tone.

  I hung my jacket in the hall closet, avoiding his questioning face. Can you drop me off at work later?

  Sure, sure.

  Then just when I thought I’d gotten away with it, he asked, Why did he bring you home? He sounded genuinely curious and stood at the foot of the stairs, waiting for a response.

  I smiled innocently. If Chris was mouthing off, I would have to say something. Apparently he didn’t take Caleb’s threats seriously. Chris Baxter was making a nuisance of himself, and Caleb wanted to make sure I got home okay.

  What kind of nuisance? Lewis asked, a shadow of annoyance marring his features. I’d have to play this down.

  Oh, just embarrassing himself, really. I tried to make it sound as much of a non-event as possible. The girls were telling me he was saying that Caleb roughed him up. Stephen, the chef, and I were there, and that’s completely untrue. He made sure Chris got a chance to calm down, and then Caleb took me home. He even tried to keep his dad out of it. I didn’t think he needed to know Chris was drunk.

  That was nice of him, Lewis said.

  Yes, it was. He’s a nice guy.

  Lewis’s eyebrows rose. I squeezed past him to run up the stairs.

  I’ll be in my workshop. Let me know when you’re ready to go, he shouted up to me.

  The few days that Caleb promised came and went with no sign of his return. A week passed, then two. Even Christmas Day passed, and there was still no word. This time the silence was even harder to take. At least last time he hadn’t left the state to avoid me. I couldn’t bring myself to ask Joshua if he would be back, so I got Jen to make inconspicuous inquiries.

  All Joshua said was he didn’t know. I did notice that the few times I saw Seth, he was edgy, and it was almost as if my presence disturbed him. Any time I asked him something, I was lucky to get more than a one-word response. I couldn’t think why he had taken such an abrupt and intense dislike to me.

  December twenty-seventh was the day we were heading to the Snow Bowl. Ben, Amanda, and another girl from our English class came in the car with me. Amanda kindly offered her the front seat with more legroom while she squashed into the back seat with Be
n and all the equipment that we couldn’t get into the trunk, apart from our skis, which were strapped to the roof.

  I didn’t get away without skiing completely, but I insisted it was only one run. It was worth it for the amazing views from the top of a snow-covered Ragged Mountain. Looking down on the picture-perfect lodge and beyond that to the parking lot, I could see it was going to busy here today. The sun was still low, reflecting off the fresh snow, and the sky was a clear light blue, except for a few wispy streaks of cloud and the occasional fluffy denser ones that looked like cotton balls floating across the sky.

  Amanda didn’t seem to mind that I didn’t want to ski. Ben offered to keep her company disappointing some of the other girls who, I think, were hoping to get him alone on the t-bar. Everybody who had promised to come showed up, and I wasn’t the only one who had given up on the slopes early; Jen and Jonathan had come in a minivan with several people from our grade, most of whom were gliding around the ice skating rink on Hosmer Pond. I skated by myself, first racing around in circles until I was out of breath and then spinning and twisting in different turns. It was easy to forget everything on the ice. Carmel used to bring me skating after my mom died, and I’d become competent over the years. It relaxed me.

  After a couple of hours, I saw Amanda bouncing up and down in the snow by the side of the rink, waving her arms over her head to get my attention. She was wearing a puffy pink jacket today, and coupled with the pink woolly hat covering her hair, she reminded me of the giant marshmal-lows bobbing around on top of the hot chocolate served at the snack bar. I skated over to her, chuckling to myself.

  What’s so funny? she asked.

  Nothing, just enjoying myself, I said. I’m glad you made me come.