Shades of Atlantis

by Carol Oates

  She means he intends to follow her to London, Carmel clarified for him.

  Lewis exhaled hard.

  Not following, I corrected her. Accompanying. We’re going together. Carmel’s face reddened, and her mouth fell open a little before she could cover it with her hand. I preferred her when she was crying and fussing.

  I took another deep breath. I love Caleb. My voice choked a little.

  Saying the words out loud to someone other than Caleb was terrifying; somehow it made it seem more real. There was never any reason to discuss my love life with them before. And he loves me, I added shakily.

  Carmel took her hand away to say something, but Lewis placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently to prevent her. She looked down, her lips forming a straight line, like she was trying to hold the words in.

  Triona, please, he asked politely, a request this time.

  I sighed deeply and pushed my chair back, deliberately making too much noise, and shoved it back to the table, not meeting either of their stares before I went to my room.

  I threw my bag onto my bed and went over to my desk, where I opened the laptop beside the vase of happy roses and pressed the power button too hard. The roses didn’t make me feel happy, but they did work to calm my furious lungs and remind me that the ultimate reason I was in such a temper was because I’d just spent the whole night and a good portion of yesterday with Caleb. I had to admit to myself it was still worth it. There was a very light, halting rap on the door.

  Yes? I called out brusquely. The door pushed in slowly.

  Can I come in? Amanda requested timidly.

  My head snapped up, and I spun around on my seat, surprise overtaking annoyance for a moment. Where did you spring from? 114

  An alice band held back Amanda’s bobbed hair, exposing her full impish face, every inch of it blushing. She came in and closed the door easily so as not to make noise. I was over here hanging out with Ben this morning — eh — waiting for you to come back. She sat down on the end of my bed, pulling her feet up in front of her and hugging her knees to her chest.

  We were in his room when the proverbial you-know-what hit the fan, and I’ve just been there ever since. I didn’t want to leave with Carmel and Lewis — you know. Her face scrunched up for a second and then relaxed.

  Like that downstairs.

  I winced with embarrassment, thinking of Amanda trapped in Ben’s room by my irrational family.

  I’m so sorry, I said. Anyone would think I’d almost died on the ice or that Caleb was some sort of underworld criminal the way they were being so overbearing.

  She shrugged.

  What did Ben say? I raked my fingers through my hair, my temper abating, replaced by a low smoldering ache seeping into my chest.

  Amanda tilted her head, so I knew she was considering her words before answering. I think he’s okay about Caleb now, she said, wrinkling her nose. I mean, his main problem was that he thought Caleb was messing with you. Now that everything’s sorted between you, he doesn’t have a problem anymore.

  I sighed. That was something, at least. I wanted Ben to like Caleb. I wanted all my friends to like him. He would be spending time with them too over the next few months. The smoldering inside me heated when I thought of Caleb, and I knew his absence caused this ache. I wanted to phone him and hear his deep voice on the other end of the line, but I decided that would probably be rude with Amanda still here.

  Jen’s really sorry, Amanda said, adjusting the band in her hair. She said she just didn’t get to the phone on time. I hadn’t thought of that. Jen must be feeling guilty after all the times I’d covered for her, the first time she returned the favor, I got caught. Can you hand me my phone, please? It’s in my bag. She reached for my bag and slid it over to her lap, rummaging for a moment before she pulled the phone out, and then handed it to me.

  I’m gonna text her and let her know I’m not annoyed, I explained, taking the phone from Amanda. When I opened the phone and the backlight came on, I saw there was a message. The text was from Caleb: three X’s. I smiled to myself, allowing the last of the lingering irritation to evaporate from my system.

  Is that him?

  I nodded silently, continuing to move my thumbs over the keys. Amanda wouldn’t mind.

  What happened last night? Amanda pressed impatiently when I didn’t launch into a blow by blow account after her last question.

  I closed the phone and turned it over in my hands. Nothing, I said, shrugging. He took me to his house.

  Jen already told me that, she blurted, eager to get to some information she didn’t already have.

  We had dinner and talked, I said. That’s all.

  Really? Her eyebrows pulled together, puckering the skin over her nose.

  Nothing happened at all? She seemed a little unwilling to ask the question she really wanted an answer to, but her curiosity was getting the better of her.

  I took a deep breath and held it, puffing out my cheeks for a moment, and then blew out. Well, we kissed, but it was mostly just talking.

  Oh, she murmured, planting her feet back down onto the floor. And so, how do you feel about him now?

  I love him, I answered without hesitation. It was getting easier.

  She smiled. And him?

  I smiled dreamily, pushing from my mind the fact Carmel and Lewis were downstairs discussing my fate. I can’t explain it, Amanda. I shook my head slowly in disbelief. I don’t know how I lived for eighteen years without him. It’s like — I struggled to find the words to describe how I felt about Caleb.

  Destiny, she volunteered in a muted voice, leaning her head on the forearm that she had draped across the frame at the end of my bed.

  Not destiny, I said, grimacing. I still don’t know if I can stretch to believing in that.

  Why not? Amanda’s expression became confused, and she shifted again, pulling her legs up so she sat on them.

  Destiny implies there is no choice, I said slowly, thinking it through.

  I’d hate to think my whole life is planned out and every move I make is already decided, that I can’t change anything. What would be the point in making choices at all?

  Amanda laughed. I don’t think about it that way at all.

  What, you believe in destiny? I chuckled dubiously.

  She looked insulted. Why not?

  I said nothing, just chuckled again.

  I think, she said happily, that destiny is just where you end up, but it’s the getting there that’s the important part. That’s where you make choices, and that determines how soon and what way you reach your destiny. I began to turn my phone over in my hands again; although Amanda’s pondering intrigued me, I was itching to speak to Caleb. Amanda moved again; she seemed really restless today. She threw her legs over the side of the bed again and sat on her hands, her face animated and excited as she explained.

  Okay, think about your life like a map. She pulled out her hands so she could illustrate by pointing her two index fingers into midair about two feet apart. This is where you start off, when you’re born, she moved one finger as if pressing an invisible button, and this is where you end up. She pressed the other finger into thin air.

  She didn’t say die, because she knew I was sensitive to the word after my parents death. Amanda being Amanda, bless her, restricted the word’s use meticulously.

  This in between is your life. She frantically waved her hands about in the space between where her hands had been.

  I stifled a giggle at her demonstration.

  All the roads on the map bring us to different places along the way depending on which paths you choose, she said, pointing her finger as though she were tracing a road. There’s a reason for every person you met on the way. Different people have different beginning and ending points on the map, and we cross paths with them sometimes. You just have to wait until you get to the right junction to get together, even if you’ve been heading in the same general direction all along. She continued to move her hands gradu
ally bring them closer together until her fingers met. This is the junction where you and Caleb were both ready, you just had to make the right turn. She smiled, contented, and dropped her hands to her lap.

  Wow! That’s deep, I said, giving her a wide-eyed grin.

  I have my moments, she replied smugly.

  My phone beeped, making me jump. I flipped the lid open, thinking, hoping it might be Caleb again.

  It’s Jen, I mumbled, disappointed. She said sorry, call me when you can, and if Amanda is there, I’ve been trying to get her. Tell her to call me.

  Oh, I left my phone in Ben’s room.

  There was a knock at the door, and Amanda stood quickly.

  Yes? I called.

  Lewis opened the door and walked in.

  I’ll talk to you later, Amanda whispered. Passing Lewis, she murmured,

  Hi.

  I’m sorry, Amanda, Lewis said. I didn’t know you were still here.

  I was just leaving. She smiled serenely at him. Happy New Year, by the way, she wished us both from the door.

  Happy New Year, I replied dryly. How happy really hung on what Lewis had to say. The phone in my hand felt as if it weighed about ten pounds, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Lewis when my eyes flickered to it at least three times before he even took a seat at the end of my bed. I was desperate to hear Caleb’s voice.

  Do you mind? He nodded in the direction of my only lifeline to Caleb at the moment, noting my suddenly tensed shoulders and taking it rightly as reluctance. Just for a few minutes, please. He was much calmer than I’d seen him in days.

  I hesitantly placed the phone on my desk, positioning it so it was at the very edge nearest to me, and reminded myself it was just a phone. I knew I was the one being irrational now.

  Lewis exhaled loudly, and his brow creased. Triona, I know it’s hard for you to understand right now, but I want you to know that Carmel and I, well, we only want what’s best for you.

  I took a deep breath and held it. He was going to keep saying I couldn’t see Caleb. It would make things awkward, but I wouldn’t couldn’t stay away from him.

  He went on. Someday you will understand.

  I blew out the air; holding my breath wasn’t going to make me hold my tongue. Why does everyone keep saying that? I blurted in frustration. Am I so intellectually inept that no one believes I can understand anything now? Lewis’s body stiffened, and he sat poker straight on the edge of my bed.

  Of course not, he assured me. Who else has been saying that to you?

  Who do you think? I muttered flatly, glancing unintentionally at my phone.

  For some reason he didn’t look surprised. Right. He clicked his tongue, thinking something over. Okay, the rules.

  Rules? I exclaimed incredulously. I thought when I got to eighteen the rules would start to ease.

  Do you want to see Caleb or not? Lewis said, his expression somewhere between defeat and anguish.

  So, they weren’t going to say I couldn’t see him, but I could see from Lewis’s face he was hoping I would say no to his question. He should save his wishful thinking for things that had some chance of happening.

  Triona, Lewis said, exasperated.

  Oh, sorry. I had unconsciously picked up my phone and was once again twisting it in my hands. I put it back in position on my desk and rubbed my leg instead.

  Lewis pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Rules, he started again. You lied, so you’re grounded until further notice. I narrowed my eyes, already planning that Caleb could visit me here while Carmel and Lewis were at work and I was under house arrest.

  No more overnights at Caleb’s. Is that understood?

  Nothing happened, I protested. I couldn’t believe I had to say it out loud. Lewis winced, and his cheeks slightly reddened. I wasn’t sure if it was as embarrassing for him as it was for me, or if he was still angry. I got a secret satisfaction thinking it was probably embarrassment.

  Caleb can see you here.

  I was planning on that regardless.

  We would rather that, than have you sneak around to see him behind our backs.

  That’s fair. I forced a smile, thinking I couldn’t be getting off that easy.

  He stood up, so apparently I was.

  Yes, well, it won’t happen again. That was a warning; I could hear it in his tone. Oh, one other thing, he added, hoisting up his jeans.

  I knew it couldn’t be that easy.

  We would like it if Caleb came over for dinner later. My breath caught in my chest, and I was suddenly glad Lewis didn’t own a shotgun, although it did pass through my mind for a fraction of a second that he might be planning to borrow one.

  It’s okay, Triona, you can breathe.

  I took a breath.

  We realize we can’t stop you seeing him and we can’t stop you leaving. He tightened his eyes. But you have to realize we love you, and both Carmel and I would lay down our lives for you and Ben. We’re trusting your judgment here and giving Caleb the benefit of the doubt. He said it so seriously and sincerely, my heart almost burst with love.

  I leaped up and swung my arms around him. Thanks, I said sincerely.

  He patted my back awkwardly. Yeah, well, I just hope we don’t all have to regret it later.

  You won’t, I promised, releasing him and smiling. The relief I felt was tangible. Everything was falling into place, and I could handle being trapped in this house as long as Caleb was with me. It didn’t really feel like a punishment at all. I was curious about one thing, though. What did he say to make you change your mind?

  I saw an emotion I couldn’t read flicker in Lewis’s eyes; his nostrils flared when he inhaled. I wasn’t eager to remind him of his anger, but I wanted to know. Lewis’s jaw clenched and relaxed inside of a moment.

  He told me more or less what I just said about Carmel and me. I couldn’t see if he was still annoyed or scared. Lewis couldn’t be scared; he was much too big to be afraid of anything. He apologized for worrying us and assured me he won’t allow anything or anyone to hurt you.

  And? I knew by his hesitation there was more, and I narrowed my eyes quizzically.

  He said he’d die for you. Lewis’s eyebrows rose. I have to say I believe him.

  I waited until Lewis left, satisfied that we’d convinced him Caleb wasn’t the serial killer or dangerous monster they’d initially thought. I ached to hear his voice, and I even grabbed up the phone the minute Lewis was out the door, before I stopped myself. What if he was busy? What if he’d had enough of my company for now I had spent the night with him, after all. I knew Caleb loved me, so I was probably being stupid, but I couldn’t stand the idea of being one of those clingy girlfriends who never let their boyfriends have a moment’s peace.

  Instead of calling, I went back to my laptop and typed sword of light into the search engine. It kind of worked; just thinking about the stories he’d told me made me feel closer to him. I didn’t want to push him for answers he wasn’t ready to give me, but I really was curious about the stories he’d told me. Among numerous fantasy game references were links to both of the stories Caleb told me about. I clicked on Excalibur first, but there was nothing about Merlin being one of the race of gods Caleb had mentioned.

  Next I tried Celtic legends and found a link to Bres. I wasn’t exactly breaking any rules or promises. I’d said I wouldn’t ask about his secrets, and I wouldn’t, but this wasn’t his secret, it was history.

  And it was disappointing. I found nothing to give me any clues about what he was really trying to tell me, if he really had been trying to tell me something. It was just a story. Bres was a nasty piece of work, the god-people were known as Tuatha DÈ Danann, and one of their enemies were the Formarians. They had trusted Bres to bring the two sides together, but instead he’d ripped them further apart, making his father-in-law dig ditches and selling the DÈ Danann’s magic. There was nothing about Brigid going to Greece, nothing about her hiding the sword. I gave up and shut the computer off when the need
to hear Caleb’s voice became too overwhelming to resist.

  The conversation at dinner was casual and a little stilted. Caleb was flawlessly polite, and Carmel and Lewis were the consummate hosts. It felt like a fifties family movie even Ben chewed with his mouth closed. It warmed my heart to know they were all doing this for me.

  For the next three weeks, I was the perfect inmate. I went to school, or more accurately, Caleb took me and then picked me up afterward to bring me home. Ben was enjoying default ownership of my car, Bessie, since I had no need for her lately. Some days Caleb helped me make dinner, teaching me instantly forgotten culinary techniques, and some days he helped me with my homework or sat silently reading while I tackled my studies alone.

  He ate with us most nights, and sometimes Amanda did too. I was grateful for the moral support.

  After dinner we usually just hung out. I didn’t ask any of the questions I’d promised not to ask, but every now and then Caleb would offer a piece of information, sometimes even a relevant one. For example, his family was, as he called it, old money, and the restaurant was for pleasure rather than profit. Sometimes the information was completely irrelevant, like the vampire craze that swept Europe in the eighteenth century, when people were killed, their hearts ripped out, and family graves desecrated.

  When Lewis and Carmel were out playing bridge one night, something Carmel enjoyed and Lewis endured, Caleb mentioned the sword again in conversation. He said it was one of four magical items belonging to the god-people, who I knew now as DÈ Danann. Those four items a cauldron, a spear, a stone, and the sword were represented as the four suits of the tarot and, in later years, playing cards. The sword became a spade.

  Another time, he was reading about witch trials and told me how young women and men were viciously beaten and burned, how it was used as a cull of innocents.

  Caleb was my own personal life-sized encyclopedia, except that this encyclopedia could wrap me up tightly in his arms when I shuddered at one of his stories and make my knees weak with his kisses.