by Carol Oates
Calm down, Triona. His voice had the smooth calming tone he always used to get his own way. He reached out and took the hand that I was frantically rubbing along my thigh. Believe me, I don’t want to go. I wouldn’t if there was any other way.
My breath was coming in heavy gasps, panic at the prospect of a separation constricting my lungs. My face crumpled, and I could feel the tears building.
You want to know everything, don’t you? he added seriously.
That was verging on blackmail. Of course I wanted answers to the questions swirling around my head for the last months, but why did that mean he had to leave?
Is that a trick question? I asked petulantly. Why can’t you just wait another few weeks, and then I can go with you?
No! he growled. You absolutely can’t.
I flinched away from the appalled tone of his voice and the sudden angry intensity in his eyes. I stared down to his golden hand nestled between my own, my pink flesh making his look even more perfect, and traced circles with my thumb over his smooth oval nails. I noticed we weren’t headed to my house. We were going toward Mount Battie.
Triona. His voice was soft again, back to persuasive. I’m sorry — I just have to do this. I apologize for raising my voice. Forgive me, please.
Has this anything to do with Seth? I probed, releasing his hand and interlacing my fingers.
It occurred to me that Seth not returning to Camden might have something to do with me, since he had appeared perfectly happy here before Christmas. Caleb stalled in his reply, which I took as a resounding yes.
The misty rain was easing, but the clouds still looked dark and threatening, matching the atmosphere somehow.
No, Caleb answered, a little too late to convince me.
I shrugged, not looking at him. I probably should have been since I didn’t know how much longer he would be around. The idea made me instinctively take a deep breath of the heady scent filling the cab, and I shivered. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Caleb turning up the heat before continuing in a tone obviously meant to calm me.
Well, partially, he conceded, but there is more to it. I need to have a situation clarified before we leave Camden — before we — He paused. I have to do it in person.
I shot him what I hoped was a disgruntled look, though I wasn’t sure how much desperation was on my face. Turning back to look out the window, I sat in silence until we arrived at the summit and Caleb parked. There was no one else around; it was still too early for the tourist season and nothing much to remind me of the first night we came here. The weather was different; the clouds darkened the town, but there were no twinkling lights shining up at us. Everything was gray and shades of dark muted greens and browns, instead of the white and navy blue I remembered from before. I thought of that night anyway, how I’d misunderstood Caleb’s words and thought that he was in love with another woman. I’d assumed that I had no other choice but to get used to being without him. I felt like that now, like I didn’t really have a choice.
When do you have to go? My voice sounded miserable despite my intent. I didn’t want Caleb to think I would fall apart without him. I wanted him with me because he wanted to be, not out of some misplaced guilt that I couldn’t exist without him. The thought that I might ever have to made my heart thump once painfully.
As soon as I drop you off at home.
What? My head spun, making my hair whip across my face, and the one word I managed to utter sounded embarrassingly like screeching. I took a few deep breaths.
Caleb maneuvered in his seat to face me with one arm resting casually on the wheel and the other on my headrest. The sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll return. The anticipation of a separation won’t make this any easier for either of us, he warned. His jaw was tight, and the vein on the side of his neck pulsed.
He was as anxious about leaving as I was about being left behind. Maybe I was only thinking of myself.
So, just like ripping a band aid off, then? I offered, trying to seem less hysterical.
He half smiled, his eyes narrowing for a fraction of a second. I suppose so, yes. You could put it like that. He took his hand from my headrest and ran the back of his fingers down my cheek. I could barely feel his touch; it was so light and tender. I won’t be long, he promised.
I was beginning to wonder if his secrets allowed him to keep promises.
He caressed the skin of my jaw and held my chin, then pulled himself closer and kissed me gently. My stomach did a somersault. He didn’t pull back far, a few inches, and I stared into his sapphire eyes.
And when you come back, you’ll tell me everything, I ordered, touching the golden skin on the side of his face so he would understand.
His eyebrows knitted and his lips pulled down in a scowl. I can’t guarantee you’ll like what you hear, he cautioned. His velvet smooth voice had a slight edge to it.
Even now Caleb was still afraid he might lose me; he still thought there were circumstances that would make me walk away from him. The notion seemed as ludicrous to me as fairy magic and people turning into animals, both of which had made an appearance in the latest story Caleb had told me. Apparently, among the god-people, there had been a princess whose memory had been stolen by magic, and then she’d been married off to some king. When her true love found her, he challenged the king to some sort of game and said that if he won, all he wanted was a kiss from the queen. I guess the king was smarter than that, because he said no, but the hero stole his kiss anyway, the girl got her memory back, and they turned into swans and flew off to some land where they would never grow old.
Or something like that. Anyway, my walking away from Caleb was about as fathomable as people turning into swans and flying away. It wasn’t going to happen.
I’ll take my chances, I muttered drylyy.
It was hard to be casual. He was too close, and every time he exhaled, his warm breath caressed my face. He grinned and chuckled once blackly.
I was afraid you’d say that. His expression was guarded, giving nothing away. I should probably give you something to remember me by until I return, Caleb murmured, leaning teasingly close to my lips.
I didn’t need anything. I wasn’t going to forget him anytime soon but I wasn’t going to refuse either, not when he was making my blood race in my veins.
I passed Ben midway up the stairs as I dragged myself forlornly toward my room when I got home.
What’s up with you? he asked, taking in my gloomy expression and slumped shoulders.
Caleb had to go away for a while. Some personal stuff or something.
Great, he groaned. You’ll be a joy to live with while he’s away. I smirked at his wide smile, and he winked before he took the rest of the steps two at a time.
Oh yeah, there’s a package on your bed. I found it in a bag under the porch when I got home. Ben waved and was gone out the door before I got a chance to ask him anything about it.
A package? I wondered aloud, running the rest of the way up to my room.
Sure enough, sitting just in from the edge of my bed there was a large white box with a thick black ribbon tied around it to a bow in the top right-hand corner with no card that I could see. It was nowhere near my birthday, and Christmas was over, so my suspicion was that the package came from Caleb somehow. The bow unraveled with one gentle tug, and the ribbon fell away from the box. Tentatively I raised the lid, placing it on the bed, and then I lifted the flap of white tissue paper inside.
It was a dark navy blue dress folded neatly with a smaller box and a plain white card sitting on top. I put the small white box aside, unsure exactly how I felt about receiving this clearly expensive dress as a gift. I could hardly see the stitching on the gown as it lay in the box; it was so small and perfectly even. Clearly a lot of care went into its making. I ran my hand over the fabric; it seemed like some kind of chiffon but softer silk maybe? I opened the card.
I hope you like the dress. Something my mother had lying around and wanted you to have. The small box c
ontains a little something I wanted you to have.
Yours forever,
Caleb
His mother! I’d never met Caleb’s mother. That must have been what he meant by having a dress for me. I left the card on the bed and lifted the dress from the box. When I did, I saw the navy silk peep-toe shoes sitting at the bottom of the box. I went to my wardrobe and opened the door so I could look in the mirror on the inside. The bodice was strapless, and the fabric was creped, wrapping around to meet in two long, thin piped rolls that ran down the length of the front where the bodice ended at my hips, and a full-length skirt flowed to the floor from there. The fabric was sheer, and only the fact that there were several layers prevented the skirt from being see-through. I held the bodice to my chest with one hand and swirled side to side holding the skirt. It was perfect; how did she know? Caleb must have described me in great detail, because the shade suited my skin and made my green eyes piercing. Navy blue wasn’t a color I would have chosen for myself; in fact I didn’t think I had one navy blueitem in my wardrobe.
I draped the gown across my bed and picked up the small rectangle velvet box. It opened with a quiet click. My eyes widened.
You have got to be kidding me.
Each day passed slower than the last. Despite the fact Lewis and Carmel had given up on their hostility toward Caleb, it was difficult not to sense the change in the atmosphere at home with Caleb gone. They seemed more relaxed, and the furrow lines that had seemed permanently etched into Carmel’s brow were no longer there. As I had when Caleb was away before, I threw myself into school head first. The only difference was this time I got to speak to him on the phone, but he wouldn’t tell me when he was coming back. He kept saying he didn’t want to break another promise.
Seth did return at last, just days after Caleb left. The first night we worked together was extremely uncomfortable. He spent the night in the dining room, entertaining and sweet-talking the customers as if he’d never been away. How had I never noticed the way he moved? When he walked, it was as if he glided on a cushion of air, and his eyes, like Caleb’s, sparkled and shimmered. He had long pale golden fingers and nails that were perfectly oval and glass-like. Joshua did too, but I couldn’t put it down to a genetic link, since Seth wasn’t a blood relative. Before Caleb’s arrival I’d only thought of them as very handsome. Like movie stars or models, almost artificial in the extreme of their beauty. Then when Caleb did arrive, I was so consumed by him I became even more unobservant than I had been before.
I longed for the answers, especially since I seemed to be the only one who saw the questions. Caleb had once said most people choose not to see what their mind doesn’t want to accept, and I wondered if that was the case here. I watched how people interacted with Joshua and Seth, the way women smiled at them adoringly and gazed into their eyes. Most of the time the men who were with them didn’t mind; they were friendly and gracious, standing back and allowing their partners to ogle. Only now and then I spotted a jealous glance or heard a disgruntled muttering. I guessed sometimes love was too strong for even Seth or Joshua to inflict their will.
Even so, none of these people noticed the things about them that I did, and I couldn’t talk to my friends about it. I wasn’t sure if it would be the right decision to bring it to anyone’s attention that they weren’t looking close enough, they weren’t seeing them clearly. I mostly worked with Joshua, which was a relief. Whenever Seth was around, inevitably my skin crawled and my pulse raced. He looked at me as if I was something he’d stepped in. No, that wasn’t it. He looked at me like I was something he wanted to step on.
In the end, Caleb was away much longer than two weeks. Every second I missed him more. I felt like a part of me had been ripped away from my body. It was just a few days from prom night, and Jen and Amanda were getting restless about my missing date. I couldn’t offer them any reassurance because I didn’t know if he would be back on time. The dress he’d given me hung in my wardrobe as a stark reminder of his absence.
I had to work at the restaurant the Wednesday before the dance. It was early evening, and with only a few tables occupied, I stood at the counter sorting cutlery and watching Jen making small talk with some customers.
Outside it was clear and bright and the sun shone through the window, dancing rainbow patterns across the floor.
Seth was in the office, which was just fine by me. I didn’t have to make extra effort to stay out of his way. My stomach was twisting with excitement about Caleb phoning later. Unfortunately, the hands on the clock behind me were not cooperating, moving frustratingly slowly. Even so, I gave another quick glance. Jen laughed with the middle-aged couple and then the man handed her the camera that was sitting on the table, and she made a big fuss about directing them to sit closer to each other. She took a couple of shots and handed the camera back.
That should be good for a nice big tip, she said, smiling as she came to stand beside me and placing their bill into a little back cover.
I gave her an unenthused smile.
And why didn’t you tell me Caleb was coming back today? I looked around animatedly. What? Where is he?
Eh, calm down, crazy lady! I just saw his car coming up the driveway.
He’s not even inside the building yet.
My stomach began to flutter violently, and I smiled widely at Jen. She shot me an exasperated look and grabbed her tray from the counter.
Guess he wanted to surprise you, she laughed. Looks like it worked. I waited impatiently in case Jen was right and Caleb’s unexpected appearance at the restaurant was supposed to be surprise. I didn’t want to ruin it for him. Moments later I sensed him behind me; his presence made the air around me sweeter. I smiled contently.
Hello, beautiful. His voice was like silk gliding over my senses.
I took a deep breath enjoying the perfumed air surrounding me before I turned around. What are you doing here?
Dressed casually in a khaki T-shirt under a tan leather jacket and jeans, Caleb looked better than I had ever seen him look, and he took my breath away yet again.
I have to talk to Seth. His lips widened into a mischievous grin. And I couldn’t let you miss prom.
You’re going to talk to him about us? I asked nervously.
He stood in front of me, resting his arm leisurely on the counter, and his closeness made my knees wobble. I steadied my gaze on the fork in my hand as Caleb ran the back of his index finger from my shoulder to my elbow and back.
I’m going to tell him once and for all. He lowered himself down to bring his face level with mine.
Okay. I smiled. I want everyone to know — My words caught.
He leaned his head toward mine, almost touching and whispered. That I’m yours?
My cheeks flushed, and he grinned.
Miss, Miss waitress, a well-dressed woman called from a table twenty feet from us.
I smiled to her. I’ll be right with you. I sighed light-heartedly. Gotta go keep you in business.
I stepped forward, and his grip caught me on the inside of my elbow.
We stood with our bodies facing opposite directions and our arms touching.
I turned my face to him, raising my eyes to meet his. Caleb inclined his head toward mine so that his mouth was no more than an inch from my ear. I sucked in air and steadied my free hand on the counter.
I am yours, you know, he said softly. Forever. My stomach flipped. I took another step; Caleb’s hand loosened, and his thumb found the inside of my bare elbow. It traced a line tenderly down my forearm to my wrist, circling the palm of my hand before he released me from his touch.
Caleb!
I spun around. Seth was observing our exchange, his expression livid. I frowned and rushed to the eager customer, watching over my shoulder as Caleb moved past Seth toward the office. Seth cast a disgusted glance my way before turning after him. When I finished with the customer, I hovered near the kitchen door, but I couldn’t hear a thing. After a few minutes, my stomach heaved nervously and
I began to feel sick.
Suddenly, a loud crash of metal trays and glassware resonated from behind the kitchen door. Everyone in dining room looked up, and Jen rushed over. What’s going on? she exclaimed.
My insides warped, and I let out a low gasp. All of a sudden the room was closing in on me. The color burned in my cheeks furiously as I looked around.
The kitchen door flung open, and Caleb stormed out, enraged. His shoulders were stiff, and my own stiffened in response. He seized my hand, wrenching me after him through the room and a low hum of curious voices.
W-what’s going on? I stammered looking back at Jen. She mimed
call me. I raised my hand to wave and realized I was still holding the fork.
Caleb guided me to his silver Porsche and opened the door, motioning with his head for me to get in, avoiding my eyes. This was bad. Confusion mixed with guilt was this about me? I rested one hand on the doorframe with the fork still gripped in the other.
What happened, Caleb?
He refused to look at me. You’re getting the rest of the night off. His tone was furious.
It was the first time I’d seen him so angry, even more than the night with Chris, and it caught me off guard. My heart jolted in my chest.
I’m sorry, I mumbled weakly.
He glared at me for an instant before his expression softened. His eyes were still angry but his voice was lower and steady again, pleading. Please, Triona, get in. I need to leave.
I obeyed without any further hesitation and played with the fork, picking at the prongs as he pulled away hurriedly.
I’m sorry. He took a deep slow breath. Truly, sincerely sorry. Tears pricked my eyes, and I brushed them away quickly. I don’t understand, I said, my voice cracking a little.
Caleb’s hands gripped the wheel so tightly that his knuckles bleached.
His eyes narrowed, and his chest rose and fell with every deep breath.
