Shades of Atlantis

by Carol Oates

  He chuckled. Well, the boardroom will come in handy for entertaining, at least.

  Oh, I laughed. Are you planning on having many dinner parties while you’re here?

  Caleb rolled his eyes and shrugged non-committedly.

  I have a question, I said hesitantly.

  He looked back to me, raising his eyebrows in mock astonishment. Ah, something new, then.

  I smacked his arm playfully, but I was serious. I had been thinking about this on the whole flight over here, and I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I was anxious to the point of being jittery about his answer, but still, I wanted to know. He brushed the hair from my face, waiting for the question.

  Presuming we get through the near future —

  He pursed his lips and frowned at my pessimism, but his expression looked exaggerated, and I knew it was an act for my benefit.

  What happens when you die and I am left alone? I asked, squeezing my eyes shut to keep the tears from escaping. How am I supposed to live without you again? I don’t think I can.

  He was frozen for a long moment, his expression unchanged. Then all of a sudden his face crumpled, and he turned from me. I moved around him, ducking my head to see the expression he was trying to hide. His fists clenched and unclenched, the force of the gesture making his knuckles crack.

  Caleb? Look at me, I insisted.

  He regained his composure quickly too quickly. Turning back to me and brushing his lips against mine, he took me by the hand to sit beside him on the couch. You don’t need to trouble yourself with such thoughts, he told me, patting the back of my hand like he had morphed into some type of Stepford husband.

  I watched him closely, trying to read the answer in his face, but there was nothing, and I could tell he didn’t intend to say any more about it.

  Are you being serious right now? I gawked at him, exasperated. How exactly do you expect me to not think about it? I can’t help it. You’re keeping secrets again, and just look where we ended up the last time you kept me in the dark!

  He scratched at the back of his neck and sighed bleakly. Look, Triona, I’ve spent my entire life lying to the people I met about everything: who I am, my family, my history. It’s what I’m used to doing, keeping things to myself — secrets. He turned my hand over, tracing my life line with the tip of his finger down to my wrist.

  I waited patiently; he seemed to be opening up, and I didn’t want him to stop.

  He sighed again, and his lips pressed together tightly almost like he was trying to physically hold back words.

  I can’t talk about that yet, he finally murmured.

  Caleb I was about to push for an answer, but he cut me off.

  Not won’t — can’t. I’ve been lying to myself as much as everyone else, thinking I had everything under control and thinking I knew what I was doing. The truth is I don’t have all the answers. I’m sorry. I can’t answer because I just don’t know. He flipped my hand and threaded his fingers through mine to give it a squeeze before flipping it again.

  It wasn’t reassuring to know Caleb couldn’t give me the answer that I wanted. I wanted the fairytale, even if I never believed in them before. I wanted him to tell me there was a happily ever after if we got through this birthright stuff.

  Okay, I conceded reluctantly, adding gently, but you know we have to talk about this eventually?

  He nodded.

  Another question? I added.

  He looked into my eyes, forcing a smile. Yes? he prompted.

  I want an honest answer, I warned him. He traced circles on my palm with his thumb while he waited for me. How much danger are we in? Caleb glanced at me, but his expression was too guarded for me to discern his thoughts.

  Just an honest answer. I know you want to protect me, but I need — My voice grew quiet and disappeared. I held my breath and waited. He made no sound, just continued to move his thumb over my skin. Seconds rolled into minutes, and I began to feel lightheaded.

  Please, I begged, lifting my other hand to his face and turning his eyes to me. Tell me the truth.

  The only sound was the deafening pounding of our hearts. His eyes tightened, and I suddenly realized that he was afraid. My own fear escalated in response.

  Caleb? I whispered weakly and felt heat on my leg; when I looked down I realized I had starting rubbing my thigh roughly.

  He wrapped me in his arms again. I won’t lose you, he insisted.

  My stomach knotted; his words implied he thought he would lose me.

  His arms tightened again, almost too tight for me to breathe. I wish I’d never met you. His voice was strained, more agonized than I had ever heard before, intensely urgent. You wouldn’t have become known to them.

  You would be safe.

  I pushed him away; it took every ounce of my new strength. No, I protested angrily. Don’t you ever say that. If I had never met you, I wouldn’t have had a life at all. You are everything.

  I pulled him to me, and this time, for the first time, he clung to me. I held him to my breast, kissing his head, taking in his fragrance with every breath. He was afraid of the Council, afraid they would win.

  My father thinks he can persuade them, Caleb said, his voice cracking. But I don’t think so. Maybe Eila — but not the others. I believe they will eventually come for us, all of us you and me, Ben and Amanda, and probably my family. It’s the only way they can keep your secrets hidden. I pulled back to look in his eyes. They were glistening with tears, and it made him even more beautiful. I felt my heart jump, my love for him suddenly consuming me. I carefully analyzed every detail of his perfect face: his nose that curved into the dent over his lips, the barely visible laugh lines at the edge of his sparkling eyes, the way his top lip was slightly imperfect on one side, so slight no human would see it. I did. I memorized everything.

  His golden skin looked ashen and drained. His expression was so pained; I could tell he was convinced. I tried to keep my voice calm.

  Surely if there were more of us.

  No. He was resigned. They are stronger. Caleb lifted his hand to my face and, using the back of his fingers, stroked a line affectionately from my jaw over my cheek to the top of my ear, brushing my hair away from my face.

  When you said you saw colors, before Ben came — it was a shock. It’s a royal gift, only kings and queens possessed it. They won’t want anyone else to know about it. The papers that Ben brought, the ones that explain the prophecy — He seemed to be on a roll, everything he had been keeping in for days was coming out. I didn’t move, hardly taking a breath. I was afraid if I moved, he would stop and lock everything away again.

  It was never dark, he continued. They kept that secret to stay in power, and now Zeal and Lucien they are so powerful, no one can stop them.

  Zeal has the strength of a hundred Guardians. I looked down from his eyes, willing myself to speak. I don’t care. I won’t go down without a fight. I sounded braver than I felt.

  We were silent for a long time. I listened to both of our hearts race.

  If they refuse to listen, I said after a few minutes, if they come for us, I want to try to get to the Stone. Promise me. I placed the palm of my hand over Caleb’s heart; it calmed him immediately. I don’t want Ben to know, if that’s how it’s going to be. Not until he absolutely has to. His expression relaxed and the tension in his jaw eased measurably.

  Eventually, I felt his heart slow.

  Thank you for telling me, I sighed. But no more talk of dying. He smiled halfheartedly and brushed my neck with his lips. I tried to ignore the tingles. He was trying to distract me again.

  I’m serious, I persisted. And I would like us to be normal for a while. Caleb gazed at me, lovingly running his thumb over the shape of my lips. Normal. What would you like to do?

  I stood and paced the floor, his eyes watching me closely. What do people do with their loved ones when they know time is running out?

  A dinner party? I suggested, remembering his idea for the boardroom.

 
He smiled. My heart skipped when he moved from his seat to my side in an instant, sweeping me into his arms to place a long sensual kiss on my lips.

  By nine o clock we were sitting around the oval mahogany table in the room of our suite that acted as a dining room and a boardroom. The table could have seated twelve people easily, but right now it was just Caleb and me, Ben and Amanda, and Caleb’s family. Caleb had shifted all of the place settings to one end, bringing us all closer together. It was comforting to have everyone that close.

  Our appetizers arrived, but I didn’t know if I could eat. Ben, however, had no such problems. He ate one-handed, stabbing the food with his fork while holding Amanda’s hand on top of the table. She kept flashing him adoring glances. I didn’t know how I failed to notice before; she was utterly besotted by him. I would have said it was unnatural if it hadn’t been going on under my nose for years, long before Ben’s Guardian traits established themselves and made him so attractive to the opposite sex. He turned his head to her, and she nodded, apparently replying to a question I hadn’t heard.

  He radiated a brilliant smile in her direction, and she sighed. She actually sighed out loud in front of all of us because he smiled at her.

  Their relationship had been going on for years and I never saw it, even though it was so obvious to me now. I dragged her halfway around the world, leaving him behind. No wonder he was in such a foul mood for a week before we left. I shuddered at how wrapped up in my own misery I had been for the last year.

  Caleb ran the back of his index finger lightly over my cheek, and when I looked at him, he gave me a weak smile. His jaw was tightened; he was putting on a display of normality, but I knew him better. I was learning to look past those guarded expressions he always wore. I leaned toward him to give him a fleeting kiss on the lips; he smelled better than the food. There was no comparison. Maybe I should have gone with my first idea of what to do tonight, and I briefly considered asking everyone to leave so I could have Caleb all to myself, but I reluctantly pushed the thought away.

  Annice took delicate pieces of her food and slipped them into her barely open mouth, elegant as always. She was watching the exchange between Ben and Amanda closely, and it seemed to please her. Joshua kept his eyes on his plate. He was the only one of us here really alone. Annice was alone tonight, but she had Samuel. I felt an ache of sadness and hoped that we would all get through this so Joshua would have the opportunity to meet his soul mate too.

  The waiters came to take away the plates; my food lay untouched, and Caleb’s eyes darted in my direction, but he said nothing. The candles made his sapphire eyes bright and his golden skin gleam, like he’d just come back from some exotic location. My stomach flipped in a now-so-familiar-way, and blood rushed to my cheeks. I took Caleb’s hand under the table and traced a circle on his palm. He smiled again, this time a genuine heart-stopping one, and I knew he was also thinking about when we would be alone.

  I was distracted by the sound of Ben clearing his throat, and I turned away from Caleb to see Ben getting to his feet. Amanda smiled up at him, and Ben pulled her up next to him.

  What was he doing now?

  I have something I want to say. He glanced at Amanda and corrected himself. We would like to say.

  I saw the colors again they engulfed him, mingling and seeping into the colors surrounding Amanda, joining them. Then, as always, they disappeared again. I couldn’t get a sense of what they meant besides joy and love.

  I didn’t need colors to see that; that was abundantly clear since they were reunited. Caleb squeezed my hand, and I wondered if he noticed something I didn’t. Ben placed his hand lovingly against Amanda’s cheek.

  We’ve talked about everything, and we’ve decided to get married, he announced ecstatically.

  What? I shrieked loudly. All eyes in the room turned to me, and my heart started to pound. You’re only eighteen years old! You can’t be serious. Amanda’s joyful expression slipped. One of the waiters approached with plates, but Caleb raised his hand and motioned for him to hold back.

  Triona. Ben sounded deeply disappointed. I thought you’d be happy for us.

  Why in the world would you think that? I couldn’t believe they were seriously considering this. We were facing murderous demigods intent on our deaths, and they were thinking about china patterns. Who got married at eighteen in this day and age? A few days ago I didn’t even know they were dating.

  Joshua pushed his seat back to stand, his eyes darting between Caleb and Annice. Maybe we should excuse ourselves for a few moments?

  No! I held my hand up. Stay, please. We’ll leave. I only intended for Ben to follow me into the sitting room, but when I reached the fireplace and turned around, Amanda was standing there beside him with a defiant expression on her face, holding onto Ben with both hands.

  What are you thinking? Married? Now? I yelled. There was a fury in my voice that I didn’t recognize, and I wasn’t sure where it was coming from.

  We thought you of all people would understand — Ben said.

  My fists were clenching repeatedly. Each time I had to force myself to unclench, willing my body into submission. Why would that be?

  Caleb, he explained calmly, glancing at Amanda. Guardians and humans. He said this as if I should already know the answer.

  What? My face felt hot and tight.

  He didn’t get a chance to answer.

  Are you jealous? Amanda suggested spitefully, with venom in her usually sweet voice.

  My blood began to boil, and I sucked in air, making great effort to control the temper in me that I knew was Guardian, the part of me that spilled over the first night Caleb had returned.

  Is it because Caleb left you? she added, rubbing Ben’s arm gently.

  What did Caleb have to do with this?

  What? I repeated, utterly stumped about what she was getting at.

  Amanda took a deep breath. He left you; he wasn’t strong enough to stay with you when he thought you were human. You’re afraid he doesn’t love you as much as Ben loves me.

  I was shocked she could get all that out while keeping the uncharacteristically brutal tone in her voice. It just wasn’t in Amanda’s nature to be hurtful unless she was really upset. It was her defense mechanism, and I had rarely seen it in the years I had known her. Her remark hit me somewhere deep inside, and the fury began to ebb. It was replaced by something else, a raw ache.

  He could have stayed and told you the truth, but he didn’t. He broke your heart, she finished in complete certainty. Ben wouldn’t and couldn’t do that to me.

  I turned away from them to face the fire hearth and rested my hand on the mantel to steady my shaking body. That’s absurd. You don’t know what you’re talking about. The Council — My voice cracked. It started to creep into my mind that maybe her words were harsh but nearer to the truth than I wanted to admit.

  He told me, Ben whispered in a low voice.

  I spun around. You spoke to him about all this? I spluttered. Now I understood the supportive gesture when Ben stood up. Caleb knew what he was about to announce.

  Ben’s expression softened, becoming more sympathetic. He advised me to go for it.

  The ache that was already gaining momentum grew stronger.

  The Council already knew he was involved with you by the time of the fire. He said if he was stronger he would have stayed and been with you for whatever time until — His voice trailed off painfully.

  My eyes lowered to the ground. Amanda was right; my fury was mis-directed. It was Caleb I was really angry at because he didn’t stay with me, because he stole my memories, because he gave up, and it was slowly dawning on me what the rush to get married was about.

  Even if things go our way and Samuel arrives with good news, Ben said solemnly, our time is already limited. We don’t want to waste it. His voice sounded so unnatural and agonized that I couldn’t lift my head.

  I was so ashamed of my reaction that I couldn’t breathe. My throat burned as I understoo
d. Amanda would die long before any of us, long before Ben.

  He was facing the same thing Caleb had refused to discuss earlier.

  I’m sorry, I mumbled feebly. I didn’t think. They approached me together and each placed a hand on one of my shoulders. I looked to Amanda through my narrowed damp eyes. Her face was full of empathy for me, even after I had screamed at them both and ruined their moment of happiness.

  Are you sure? I asked Amanda, trying hard to conceal the ache in my voice. Do you really comprehend what you’re doing, what you’re getting into with Ben? With all of us?

  She smiled. I’m positive. Wouldn’t you have done the same? I felt ill because she was right; I would have married Caleb in a heartbeat back then if he had been honest about himself. I gave them both a strangled smile, and they hugged me warmly, but it was hard to deny the seed of doubt now planted.

  I’m sorry I totally screwed up your big announcement, I forced out, trying not to sob. I refused to go back into the dining room and let Caleb see me with a tear-streaked face or puffy eyes, giving him one more reason to keep me in the dark about things for my own good.

  No, Amanda insisted. I’m sorry for being a cow. She was wiping tears away with the back of her hand, and I had to bite my lip to restrain my own.

  No, I deserved it. I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry, I insisted.

  No, you didn’t deserve that, Amanda sniffled, trying not to smile. We couldn’t even agree who was more in the wrong.

  I was about to say again that it was me and ask them both to forgive me when Ben broke in with a deep groan. I didn’t notice him move away from us.

  I’m sorry, but I’m starving to death over here while you two grovel to each other. He was already over at the door rubbing his stomach and rolling his eyes comically, clearly trying to move us all on from this.

  Amanda beamed at him through her teary eyes before she hugged me again. It will be okay, you’ll see, she whispered.

  When we went back into the dining room, Caleb stood, his expression a strange combination of fear and longing. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I knew he had heard every word of our conversation, including Ben’s confession that he was acting on Caleb’s advice not to wait and Amanda’s accusation that he didn’t love me in the same way because he left. I found myself avoiding his eyes and forcing the same strangled smile I had given Ben and Amanda minutes ago. As I sat, he reached out and stroked my crimson cheek with the back of his fingers; my body reacted, and my heart thumped, but the raw aching remained.