Nick and Lilac

by Marian Tee

  “You…don’t like me like that. You…think you do, but…you don’t.”

  The words made him look at her sharply, but she had her eyes already fixed firmly on her screen. He laughed mirthlessly. “Unfortunately, you’d be wrong.” Nick paused. “And we both know you want me as much as I want you.”

  She shook her head, her lips compressed.

  “Liar.”

  Nick’s hard voice made Lilac’s stomach flutter, and her fingers stumbled over the keyboard.

  “What you should really say is that you don’t want to like me like that, but that’s okay.” Nick turned away, facing his own monitor. As he returned his character to the game, he said flatly, “I don’t think I want you to like me that way either.”

  The ride home was quiet.

  After walking Lilac to her door and getting back into his car, Nick took out his phone. The urge to hear Karla’s voice was intense. Kissing Lilac had felt so right earlier, but now it felt like the vilest of sins. He was weak and ugly – not the kind of man who deserved to be with a girl like Lilac.

  Only Karla---

  Only the girl who had seen and loved him at his worst---

  I hope you’re fine.

  He sent the message before he could change his mind, his breathing becoming shallow, Nick’s chest squeezing hard as he waited for her to answer.

  His phone beeped, and his heartbeat spiraled out of control.

  Jason: I heard from your security that you’re still playing chauffeur.

  Slowly, Nick found himself laughing.

  Somehow, without even doing a thing, Lilac York was helping him heal.

  The Fourth Encounter

  “Yes…I’m happier.” The moment she spoke the words, Lilac realized it was true, and a smile unconsciously broke on her face at the thought of the Greek god that had been on her mind more often than not.

  “Care to share why?” Susan Petersen asked.

  “There’s…someone…he makes me feel…special.”

  “Could you give me an example of how this person makes you feel special?” Susan paused. “Did he for instance say he likes you more than a friend?”

  Lilac’s gaze flew to her in surprise, and that in turn surprised Susan as well. But what else could special mean, she wondered.

  “Oh…no…not like that,” Lilac protested as quickly as she could. She tried to put it into words. “He…just treats me differently.” Her thoughts flew back to the past days, of how he would smile that beautiful lazy smile of his when their eyes would meet across the hallway, those brilliantly blue eyes making her feel as if she was the only person who existed in his world.

  In an effort to make her tea parties more popular, the Marchioness of Bridge had fashioned today’s fete after the rules crafted by L’ange de la Cour. It meant the Angel of Courtship, and it was the pen name of one of the Gazette’s most popular anonymous columnists, her very modern advice on romance taking the Ton by storm.

  Every girl invited was given a table for two, where she would have the Grand Opportunity to impress a gentleman with her skills in serving tea. But all it ever did, Lilia thought with a sigh, was make it more apparent who were the Toasts of the Season and who were…not.

  Ah, well, at least the tea was superb, the scones delicious. Lilia heard a commotion behind her as she reached for another, all the while ignoring her mother’s warnings in her mind about gaining weight because of too many sweets.

  The tittering of the other girls indicated that An Important Guest had arrived. She turned curiously, and then there was no looking away, her gaze arrogantly held by the one man that made her entire body tremble.

  The people who stood between them parted without the duke ever speaking a word. His presence was so powerful he needed no words to express his command. He only had to look, and people rushed to obey his silent bidding. There were gasps aplenty when the duke chose the vacant seat opposite her – the same seat that the other gentlemen had ignored for they did not want to be partnered with a dull bluestocking like her.

  “You,” the duke said so softly she knew he only meant her to hear him, “look lovelier every time I see you.”

  And you, she thought helplessly, seem to want nothing but to make me blush.

  But of course she could not say that for it was not a proper thing to say. All she could do was reach for the teapot with trembling fingers. Ignoring the lazy amusement in his bright blue gaze, she asked quietly, “Would you like some tea, Your Grace?” It was a very silly answer, but it was the only thing she could think of saying that would not make her blush even more and set tongues wagging.

  “Lilac?”

  Her patient blinked then blushed, and Susan was even more surprised as well as just a little bit more hopeful. She had thought it would take Lilac more years to get over her trauma, but it appeared as if someone had finally managed to start breaking down the walls around Lilac’s heart.

  “I’m…” Lilac paused, thinking back on the last time she and Nick had been with each other, the time he had kissed her.

  That had been so many days ago, and yet it was as if with each day that passed they had just become closer, the memory of that night a cherished secret between them.

  “Let me ask another question instead,” Susan said gently. “Do you think he’s someone you would trust with your secrets?”

  Lilac answered unthinkingly. “I…already do.”

  Susan allowed herself a smile at Lilac’s answer. It had started out soft but ended with a brave and optimistic tone. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  The session continued as it usually did but when it was time to leave, Lilac couldn’t remember feeling more lighthearted.

  Susan gave her patient a hug. “You’re doing so well, my dear,” she murmured. “I’m glad.”

  Lilac’s eyes misted. “It’s because you’re always there…to help me.”

  Susan stepped back, shaking her head. “No, Lilac. It’s because you’ve always been determined to become stronger. You never quit and that’s why things are looking up for you.” With a smile, she waved her patient away. “Now, go. I have another old patient I’m seeing next and we’re already running late.”

  “Next month then, Dr. Petersen,” Lilac said, the years of undergoing therapy with her doctor putting her so much at ease that sometimes she could go without stuttering for the entire session.

  When she came out, she bumped into someone, presumably Dr. Petersen’s next patient. It was rare for her to go beyond her usual hour and she readied herself to apologize without stammering, just to make Dr. Petersen proud.

  But then she looked up - and Lilac could no longer speak.

  ****

  Fear and shame engulfed Nick as he realized who he had just bumped into.

  It was the worst scenario that could have happened between him and Lilac, the kind that Nick could never have envisioned. Since she had just come out of Susan Petersen’s clinic, he could only assume that she was one of Dr. Petersen’s patients. And as a patient, she would immediately know that like her, he had his own sexual trauma to recover from – one where, like her, he was a victim.

  When their eyes met, he stilled, tension enveloping his body. Would she tell others about this? What did she think about him now?

  Karla.

  He needed to talk to Karla, needed to---

  Nick’s eyes widened when Lilac suddenly bowed, all the way down until she was halfway bent from the waist. She straightened halfway then bowed again, like a damn geisha.

  “What are you doing?” he finally asked when she remained in the same position.

  “For the Japanese…it is…a sign…of respect.”

  Lilac straightened then bowed down again. She did this thrice in all, and as she backed away her head kept bobbing. It was only when she had disappeared at the exit that Nick realized what it all meant.

  It blew him away, relief and amusement warring inside him. The latter won, and Nick laughed out loud. Lilac’s bowing might have been a fucking
odd response to the shitty surprise that the Fates had dealt him with, but strangely, no other answer could have been as perfect.

  She could have said something, could have cried or turned her back and ran away but no, his little lamb had wanted Nick to know she understood why he was here – and was…proud of him for being here.

  Ah manari mou, will I ever understand you?

  When Nick entered Dr. Petersen’s clinic, a small smile was still playing on his lips. The unusual sight had Susan raising a brow for Nick was never in the best of moods whenever they had therapy.

  “Dare I ask what’s made you smile?” she asked archly when he claimed his usual spot on the other armrest chair in the room. He had never taken the couch, telling her without mincing words that it was only for sissies.

  Nick and Lilac, Susan mused absently. They were so different and yet the same.

  Nick hesitated, then decided not to let Dr. Petersen know for now that he knew her other patient. “Someone just put me in a good mood.”

  “Let me guess. You somehow managed to pull a prank on Jason.”

  In their last session, Nick had seethed at the way his MBA classes were taking too much of his time. The Christakos Foundation had promised free career training and promotion for those who earned themselves a master’s degree. Because of a bet Nick had lost against Jason, it also fell on Nick to lead by example, attending classes like a normal student rather than simply accepting an honorary degree.

  Nick shook his head with a brief grin. “No.”

  There was a kind of lightheartedness to her patient that Susan had never seen before, reminding her of the boy Sylvia Christakos-Petrellis told her that Nick had once been…before his attack.

  Should she tell him about it so he would realize that whatever it was making him smile like that – it was good for him?

  Susan decided to wait and see. It did no good for her to make assumptions, and whoever it was making Nick smile could only be a passing fancy.

  “Do you think today will be different, Nick?” She kept her voice soft, knowing that her loaded question could trigger a change in Nick’s mood.

  Surprisingly, he didn’t tense or keep silent like before. In a halting voice, Nick said, “Maybe.”

  Even though not a flicker of expression crossed Susan’s face, her heart swelled at Nick’s answer. In the past, Nick’s response had always been no – he would not be able to talk about what happened to him.

  Susan allowed herself a nod. “That’s good enough. Let’s talk about something else then.” She opened her notebook, one of the few doctors who still preferred handwritten notes over scribbling on tablets.

  “How have you been doing so far?”

  “I’m doing…better.”

  “What about your feelings of safety? Of security? I heard from Jason that he’s doubled the number of people looking after you.”

  Nick scowled. “I don’t need scores of goddamn nannies with guns trailing me every night. I wish you’d tell my brother that.”

  “We both know that the security’s more for Jason’s peace of mind, so you just have to suck it up.” She waited a few beats. “I’m talking about what you think, what you feel – how safe do you feel now?”

  Nick said evenly, “I’ve gotten my black belt and I always carry---”

  “You know what I’m asking, Nick. No more word games.”

  “All I know is that I can defend myself if I need to.”

  And that only meant, Susan thought sadly, he still did not feel safe at all.

  The Fifth Encounter

  I cannot believe I bowed.

  Lilac cringed at the memories of her last encounter with Nick. She had been so silly, but oh dear, she had been so panicky, too. When she had seen Nick outside Dr. Petersen’s clinic, her brain had nearly hemorrhaged at the shock of it. What to do? What to say? All she could think of at that moment was what her younger and fiery-spirited sister Violet would have done if she were in her shoes.

  And somehow, that had led her to bowing.

  Oh, oh, dear! Trust Violet to get her into trouble even when she was half a world away.

  “Are you ready?” Dorothy Simmons asked as she handed Lilac her own set of flyers to give out.

  Lilac nodded, taking her place next to the curly-haired brunette at the sidewalk. She and the other girl had been SAC partners since they joined the committee during their freshmen year, and it was their turn this month to give out flyers. It was by far their most hated task, but it was also the only non-negotiable task their moderator insisted every member perform.

  As she started counting the flyers in her hand, Dorothy remarked, “There’s something different about you.”

  Lilac glanced at her friend inquisitively.

  Dorothy tapped her chin. “It’s more like…you’re blooming?”

  “Blooming?” she repeated blankly.

  Dorothy nodded. “Yes, I think that’s the word for it. You’re blooming.”

  “Mmm…” was all Lilac could say because she just didn’t understand.

  Her friend laughed. “God, you’re so good at keeping secrets. Fine – don’t tell me what’s making you look so pretty. I’ll figure it out sooner or later.”

  “Mmm…” was all she could say again, which for some reason made Dorothy laugh even more just before she stepped forward and started calling out for students to get flyers. It was a routine that they had been using for years, with Dorothy chatting nonstop while Lilac silently handed out flyers and registered names whenever they managed to convince someone to sign up.

  At five in the afternoon, the main road of the university campus was crowded with students, those with day classes on their way back to their dormitories while students attending the night classes were just starting to arrive.

  The sun above them was harsher than usual, making Lilac regret her choice of outfit for the day. It really was too warm to wear an oversized long-sleeved wool shirt over jeans, but she was reluctant to take it off and expose herself in a tight-fitting tank top. As she wiped the sweat off her forehead with the back of her hand, she felt someone’s gaze focus on her and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

  Nick.

  ****

  Nick was walking with his friends when the hairs on his nape stood up. He stumbled, and his throat tightened as Lilac’s pale violet eyes clashed with his. Nick’s security team reacted to the tension emanating from him, and they closed around him, as if ready to ward off an attack.

  But it was too late.

  Nick was already lost in his nightmare.

  It was that god-awful night over and over, and Nick drowned in his dishonor and revulsion, despising the physical strength of his body because it was just a fucking sham. He wasn’t strong. He was weak. How could he be anything but weak when every night mere dreams could make him tremble, the painful throbbing sensation in his ass reminding Nick of how he had failed himself?

  Nick pulled himself out of his memories with an effort. He found himself surrounded by his security detail, knew they would later report this to Jason. But right now – he didn’t care about that.

  “Get out of my way,” he growled. The path in front of him cleared, his turbulent gaze seeking Lilac.

  She still stood in the same spot, and when their eyes met, she slowly lowered her head. She did it three times – just like she had the day the Fates tried to fuck him over.

  Nick struggled not to let his emotions show even though the ferocity of it – the sheer strength of his relief nearly brought him to his knees.

  Lilac knew.

  And Lilac understood, didn’t find him ugly even after what she had discovered about Nick.

  Whatever it was she had gone through, Nick vowed to himself, he would take it – he would support her, he would understand and accept her the way she understood and accepted him without hesitation.

  When Nick started towards her, Lilac’s expression became alarmed. She shook her head quickly, the frown on her face extremely disapproving.


  Nick almost laughed, was fucking light-headed at the way Lilac was still…herself, was still going to avoid him like he was literally a piece of shit.

  Do you really think that’s enough to keep me away, sweetheart? Nick stared, knowing sooner or later it would make Lilac look up.

  And so she did, only to frown at him. Why, her pale violet eyes demanded, are you eye-stalking me again?

  Because I can’t help it, Nick answered silently.

  Lilac blinked as if she understood exactly what he was thinking before quickly looking away. When Lilac squared her shoulders as if readying herself for battle, Nick laughed out loud, startling his security team.

  Nick started to walk, his concentration focused completely on the beautiful girl wearing too much clothes on the opposite side of the street. He stopped when he reached her side, and when she still ignored him, Nick planted himself firmly in front of Lilac.

  ****

  The museum was crowded with faces both familiar and unfamiliar, but no one bothered to speak to her and she was happy it was so. She could spend hours looking at these paintings, could lose herself in imagining that she was in one of its paint-brushed worlds. There, she would be a beautiful girl, one with friends and suitors aplenty---

  “Milady,” a voice suddenly whispered devilishly from somewhere behind her.

  ---and certainly she would not be pursued by a duke whose motives she still could not comprehend.

  Could she pretend she had not heard him?

  “If you do not look at me, my darling girl, you will regret it.” But the way the duke said the words, it was as if he was not delivering a threat but the most tempting of promises.

  She muttered crossly, “I am not your darling girl.” But even so, she was already turning. Her heart beat madly, knowing once again she would be gazing upon the duke’s coldly beautiful face.