It hurt to talk after she finished. Drained, Bay dragged in a broken breath.
“It’s over, baby. The worst is over. You remembered it. Dr. Torrance said better out than in.” Gabe pressed a chaste kiss to her hair. “I’m so damn proud of you, Bay. It took a helluva lot of courage to tell me.” Gabe stroked her dampened back, feeling her beginning to lose the tension she’d held so long.
“Oh, God, I feel so…so dirty and—and…” Bay’s voice trailed off and she turned her face into his shoulder. Humiliation flooded her. No amount of soap and water would wash away this feeling of being unclean. “Who would ever want me now?” She collapsed against him, a sob tearing out of her.
“Shhh,” Gabe rasped unsteadily, his eyes filling with tears. “Let’s take this one minute, one hour at a time, baby.” Struggling to contain his violent grief over how badly injured she really was, Gabe whispered against her ear, “Listen to me, Bay. I won’t ever leave you. You got that? I’m here. I won’t walk away and leave you, so stop thinking that way. A rape can’t define who you are. Don’t let it….”
Gabe’s low, broken words were a balm. It stunned her that Gabe wasn’t repulsed. He was a friend. But what an incredibly strong and steady friend even in the worst hours of her life. Bay reached out and gripped his upper arm, feeling his corded muscles leap beneath her fingertips. “Just let me get my feet under me, Gabe. I know you can’t stay here forever. You have to get back to being a SEAL.” Bay closed her eyes, nestling her brow against his neck. “I’ll get better. I promise….”
Her words tore Gabe apart in ways he could never have prepared himself to handle. Bay’s memories of them still hadn’t resurfaced. He was a friend. Not her lover. Not her fiancé. Now, she had the rape to contend with.
He held Bay tenderly and never wanted to let her go. Never… Gabe sensed the worst wasn’t over. The worst was just beginning….
*
THE COOL FALL breeze blew more leaves from the surrounding trees. Gold, red and orange leaves tumbled and sailed through the air around the cabins. Gabe was out with a rake and plastic garbage can, gathering them up. From the kitchen window, Bay watched him work. His face was sweaty and hard-looking, focused on the task at hand. The sink felt cool and calming beneath her fingertips. The clouds above the mountain were fluffy, the sky a deep blue.
She couldn’t help watching Gabe. He was athletic, in top shape. Every morning, he ran five miles. When Gabe returned, he was soaked with sweat and then showered. Afterwards, she’d make breakfast for them. It was something Bay looked forward to, sitting with Gabe, losing herself in his burning green gaze, hungry for any touch he’d give her.
Sorrow moved through her. Ever since she’d told him about the rape, she’d felt Gabe retreat from her. Oh, it was nothing obvious. Just that she no longer felt his protectiveness around her. Maybe because she’d been violated. And yet, Gabe remained her friend. They had long talks at night in front of the fireplace in the living room. He cared for her, tried his best to always make her feel comfortable.
A frustrated sigh slipped from between Bay’s lips. Since that day she’d seen the wood man with the black beard, everything had subtly shifted between them. Gabe no longer slept at her side. He slept in the next bedroom. It was still a comfort to her that he left the door open between the rooms. For that, Bay was grateful. Her nights remained tortured. She refused to take sleep medication. The meds drugged her, suppressed her symptoms, and she hated what it did to her the next day. Bay would rather take the risk of being awakened by nightmares, instead. It was the lesser of two evils.
Sometimes, she would awake screaming. When that happened, she’d always find Gabe at her side, soothing her, whispering words of comfort, holding her until she could get her bearings. Bay felt like a useless weakling. Depression hung around her, dragging her down, making her feel even more exhausted, if that was possible. She finally was told that her counselor had been a rape crisis counselor all along. Bay didn’t hold it against her. She now had a solid understanding of what her brain was doing. It was withholding certain memories and then releasing them at some unknown point in the future. As the counselor said, the worst was over because she remembered her trauma. And by remembering, she could move forward and slowly continue to piece together her broken life.
Bay sensed she didn’t know all the trauma. She remembered the kidnapping by Khogani, the terrible days in the cave, but that was all. There was more, she knew it, but her brain refused to give it up yet. All Bay felt was overwhelming sadness and endless tears that came out of nowhere. Her heart ached. She wanted Gabe. Every time he came near her, she felt such a sweet rush of emotions toward him. Her heart pounded, but it wasn’t with fear. It was with need of him, his touch, his eyes warming as he met her gaze. She was starved for something more with him and was utterly frustrated as to what it was.
Poppy knocked on the door and called, “Helllooooo. Bay? Are you in there?”
Turning, Bay called, “Come in, Mama.”
Poppy smiled a hello as she walked into the kitchen. “Do you have time for a cup of coffee, honey? Or are you fixing dinner?”
“No, coffee sounds good, Mama. I’ve pretty much got everything ready to put in the oven for our supper.” Gabe had worked hard outside every day the past week, rarely coming in except for meals. He was avoiding her. Bay set to work fixing a fresh pot, her hands trembling as she did so.
Poppy sat down at the table, watching her. “Gabe told me what happened to you,” she said quietly, holding Bay’s blue gaze.
“I’m glad he did.” Bay grimaced. “I was going to, Mama, but I just found myself unable to speak of it again, to anyone. I’m sorry….” Bay took the cup and sipped the coffee, watching her mother’s reaction. Poppy nodded and reached over and patted her hand.
“Sometimes, life throws us curves, honey.” She peered into her daughter’s shadowed eyes. “I know you didn’t volunteer for that top secret operation and expect this to happen to you.”
“No, I didn’t.” Bay gave a one-shouldered shrug. “Does anyone?”
“No, but war is a terrible thing.”
“I know it, up front and close in ways I’ll never be able to forget, Mama.”
“Have any of your women friends from this operation group contacted you? Called you?”
Bay nodded. “Several have. It’s good to hear from them.” She moved her fingertip around on the table, tracing the horizontal grain of the wood in front of her. “They don’t know what happened, only that I took a hit.” Bay frowned. “I just can’t talk about it yet. I really hate going to the rape counselor right now. It hurts me too much. I need a time-out, some breathing space to try and heal.”
“Then tell your counselor that. I’m sure she’ll agree with you,” Poppy gruffly concurred. She saw grief in Bay’s eyes. “Why the sadness, honey?”
Mouth quirking, Bay sighed heavily. “It’s Gabe.”
Poppy’s brows flew up. “Oh?” Slowly turning the cup between her hands, Bay whispered unsteadily, “Mama, I’m falling in love with him.” She gave her a pained look. “I—I don’t know when it started.” Bay rubbed her aching brow and whispered, “He’s a friend. I remember him as a friend. He was kind to me when I was assigned to his SEAL team. He was my mentor.” She smiled a little, feeling anguish stir in her heart. “Gabe was so protective of me over there, Mama. Oh, he knew I could take care of myself, and I did. But he was always there. I knew I could count on him. I could trust him with my back. And he made me laugh.”
Bay smiled fondly. “Gabe is so incredibly funny. When I had to go get SEAL gear to wear at Bagram air base, he flew in with me.” Her mouth drew into a real smile. “You should have heard me squawking like an upset hen who had just laid a walloping egg when he wanted me to get a knife to wear. Have you ever seen one of those blades?”
“Yep, in fact, there’s one in your pa’s military trunk out in the shed. It’s a KA-BAR in a leather sheath,” Poppy said. “They issued one to every Marine. He kept his
when he got out.”
“I didn’t know that….” Bay looked toward the ceiling for a moment, reining in her quixotic emotions. “Wait until Gabe hears this. He’ll howl,” she chuckled, shaking her head. “I was giving him such grief over at supply. I didn’t want to wear that hog. It was damn near as long as my lower leg, Mama.”
Poppy’s mouth stretched into a grin. “So, how’d he take it?”
“Oh, you’ve seen Gabe put on his game face, that tough, hard unreadable mask that silently tells you that it’s his way or the highway?”
“Yep.”
“That’s the look he gave me when I threw a tizzy about having to wear that gawdawful sword on my leg.”
Poppy grinned. “I’ll bet your pa is up in heaven right now laughing his socks off.”
Warmth moved through Bay. She deeply loved her mother because she could talk about any subject and not be afraid of her reaction to it. “I’ll bet he is, too.”
“Now, what about this falling in love with this young man? Can we talk more about that?”
Bay chewed on her lower lip. “Mama, I swear, I don’t know how it happened. I—I think it’s because I’m so screwed up. My emotions run like an elevator. One minute I’m up, the next, I’m down. I’ll cry over nothing. I’ll just start sobbing. I can’t control it.” Bay twisted her mouth and said in a strained tone, “Gabe has been there for me from the beginning. He’s been my rock, Mama. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done if he hadn’t been there at both hospitals with me. In my heart—” and she touched her chest “—I’ve been slowly falling in love with him.”
“And is this a two-way street?”
“No…”
Poppy grimaced. “Honey, you know when a person gets really hurt, it takes them a while to sort everything out. Right now, you’re in the middle of a thunderstorm, and it’s pouring rain so hard you can’t see a foot in front of your eyes, no matter which direction you turn and look. I think if this love is genuine, it will prove itself out over time.”
“Gabe’s hurting, too.” Bay rolled her eyes. “I mean, how would you like to be around a crybaby like me all the time? I wake up half the nights screaming, caught up in a nightmare. The rest of the time, I’m moody as hell. Sometimes I snap at Gabe. And I get angry, and I take it out on him.” Bay opened her hands, her voice breaking. “Mama, he doesn’t need this. Gabe doesn’t deserve it. He’s like a whipping post, and he just stoically absorbs whatever I dish out. He’s able to sort me out from what’s happened to me, if that makes any sense?”
Poppy nodded. “It does. But, honey, don’t you think if Gabe didn’t want to be here, he’d already have gone? He’s been at your side for almost three months straight now since you left the hospital. There has to be some underlying connection between the two of you. Don’t you think?”
Feeling weepy, Bay swallowed the tears. “I don’t know, Mama. Like you said, I’m an emotional thunderstorm. I never know from one minute to the next what my damned emotions will do. Sometimes, they whipsaw, and I’ve got to appear to be the most unbalanced, super-emotional woman Gabe has ever seen in his life, bar none.”
Poppy patted her daughter’s hand. “You’re doing the best you can, honey. Give Gabe some credit. He’s older and he’s mature. He’s seen a lot in his life. He does care for you. Certainly you know that?”
“I thought he did, Mama. But since last week…” Bay placed her hands over her face, afraid to say the words. Taking several deep breaths, Bay fought away the tears.
“What?” Poppy demanded.
“We had this connection…I’ve always felt his protection, Mama.” Bay lifted her face, her voice hushed with pain. “It’s gone since he knew I was raped.”
“What happened to you is enough to make a grown man cry. Don’t you think he’s going through his own hell knowing how much you’re hurting? You have to give him some space and time to adjust to it all. I know Gabe thinks he’s above being a mere human being because he’s a SEAL, but I think last week, he found out just how vulnerable he is to your trauma.”
Bay nodded. “That makes sense to me. I never looked at it that way. I’ve been so selfish, Mama.”
Poppy finished off her coffee and stood up. “Be patient with yourself and with Gabe, honey. You’re both hurting…and over time, you’ll both sort it all out. Just be patient.”
*
GABE FINISHED RAKING out the fallen leaves in Poppy’s garden. The sun had already set, and the chill was setting in for the night. Poppy was walking toward him through the deep shadows. Placing the plastic can to one side of the shed, Gabe hung the rake between two nails on the side of the building. He nodded hello to her.
“Your garden’s clean for a while, Poppy.” And then he managed a one-cornered smile. “At least until the wind knocks the next bunch of leaves off the trees around it.”
“It looks great, Gabe. Thanks so much.” Poppy’s concerned expression humbled him. “I just wanted to see how you were doing,” she said gently. “It’s been very hard on you these last few weeks with Bay. And it fell on your shoulders to come and tell me the next morning. How are you feeling, son?” Poppy reached out, squeezing his lower arm.
Poppy’s nurturing touch felt good on his arm. Or maybe she was holding him in place so he wouldn’t run away. Which is what he wanted to do right now. Her blue eyes narrowed on him, and Gabe knew he’d have to say something or she was going to haunt the hell out of him until he did. Sighing, he admitted, “I’m whipped, Poppy. I’m tired to my soul. I’m bled out.”
“Yep, those are all signs of caregiver burnout.” She waved her finger in his face. “Young man, I told you early on to pace yourself with Bay. But you haven’t done that. You’re trying to help her every step of the way and, son, sometimes, it’s better that you’re not there to always catch her when she stumbles.”
Gabe looked at her, stunned. “What?” Had he heard right? Poppy’s face went stubborn. He’d seen that very look on Bay’s face before. Gabe girded himself, knowing there was more to come.
“Caregiving is not a well-known science, Gabe. My daughter is traumatized, and she does need help. By supporting her, you’re helpin’ her move through the pain. In my experience, needing another person comes and goes, sort of like a tide. Bay needs to start getting a sense of herself. There are times she doesn’t need you there, Gabe. And if you can learn to pick up on those times, she’ll get stronger instead of always leanin’ on you. That’s how she’s going to get strong again, through her own trials and errors. Every time she falls down, you don’t have to be there to pick her up. Bay will always feel like a victim if she isn’t allowed to stand on her own two feet.”
Scowling, Gabe felt anger burn in him. “She needs me.”
“I’m not disputin’ that. I am pointing out that you need some time alone, too. You need some rest, Gabe. You’re as sleep deprived as Bay is. Maybe more so.”
Confused, Gabe shook his head. “I love her. You don’t quit on someone when the going gets tough, Poppy. Am I sleep deprived? Hell, yes. Am I sickened by what’s happened to her?” His voice cracked, and he looked away. “I wrestle with that every night, Poppy. I lay in my bed and I want to scream. I want to cry. And I want to kill Khogani all over again with my bare fists. I fall asleep dreaming of making him hurt ten times as much as he hurt Bay. I’m sorry. I’m not in the best of moods. You’re catching me when I’m really down.”
“I understand,” Poppy said softly, walking over and sliding her arm around his waist and giving him a good, strong hug. “Up until this happened to Bay, you were going to be my son-in-law. I still consider you that. Nothing’s changed.”
“I’m not so sure I am now, Poppy,” he said wearily. “It’s a one-way street. I love Bay. I know our history. Bay doesn’t remember any of it….” He felt his heart twist with anguish, the pain so deep he went numb.
“Perk up. I’ve got some good news for you.”
Gabe warily looked over at her as she released him from her hug. Her b
lue eyes were bright. “What news?”
“Bay and I just had coffee. I was just goin’ and checkin’ up on her. I asked why she was so sad-looking, figuring it was due to the big emotional blow of remembering what had happened to her.”
Gabe shook his head. “Where’s this going?”
“Bay was sad,” Poppy said in a gentle tone, “because she said she’s falling in love with you, even though she realizes you’re ‘just a friend’ to her.” She threw her hands on her hips. “Well? Does that compute? Do you get it now? She’s falling in love with you all over again, Gabe.”
Gabe’s mouth fell open. He quickly shut it, his mind spinning, his heart doing funny flip-flops in his chest. “Are you sure Bay said that?” My God, could it really be true? Could she fall in love with him again? It blew away every thought he’d had in his reeling mind.
Chuckling, Poppy said, “Bet your last bottom dollar on it, son. Now…” And she got tough with him. “You figure out a different plan between you and Bay. Give her some time by herself. Why don’t you spend some time carving? I’ll send you on all-day errands around the county. I’ve got a lot of things I gotta buy before winter sets in. Both of you need to just have alone time. You can be gone eight hours a day and then you can come back, have dinner together and talk. You’ll give her the space she needs to start strengthening herself, Gabe. It’s like exercise, only it’s on an emotional and mental level. I’ll be here for Bay if she needs someone while you’re conveniently away.” She grinned a little. “Besides, being gone a few days every week out on my fall errands will make her heart grow fonder toward you. Don’t you think?”
Never Surrender Page 19
