Never Surrender

by Lindsay McKenna

  “Okay, off to Eva-Jo’s school,” Poppy said, smiling.

  Bay sat quietly. Eva-Jo stopped singing and was waving her fairy wand around, entranced by the ribbons floating on the air. By accident, she hit Bay in the throat with the wand.

  Instantly, Bay jerked away, gasping. Her neck was particularly sensitive. She’d gotten used to wearing a mock turtleneck sweater but nothing tighter around her neck. She couldn’t stand anyone to touch it. She pressed her hand over the affected area while Eva-Jo kept playing with her wand, oblivious.

  Bay looked up in the rearview mirror and saw Gabe’s gaze on her for a moment. She hoped he hadn’t seen her jump like a scalded cat in the backseat. Her heart was pounding, and no matter what she did, it wouldn’t calm down. She tried to concentrate on the winding dirt road they took down the side of the mountain.

  Gabe was a good driver, and Bay tried to force her mind off her smarting neck. The memories of Khogani nearly strangling her overwhelmed her. When she pulled her hand away, there was a small amount of blood on two of her fingers. Grimacing, Bay took a tissue out of her small purse and placed it against the minor wound.

  As Gabe turned left on Black Mountain Road, he again checked his rearview mirror. Bay seemed upset. What the hell had happened? Frustrated, he couldn’t stop the car and go ask her. They had to arrive at Eva-Jo’s school by a certain time. There would be two hundred children and adults, along with their guardians and parents, celebrating their annual Halloween party. It was one of the most important days in Eva-Jo’s life.

  Mouth tightening, Gabe paid attention to the two-lane asphalt road. Dunmore sat in the Allegheny Mountains of West Virginia. It was where Bay went for her weekly appointment with the therapist, Jolene Carter. He knew the road almost blindfolded because he was the one who drove her to and from her appointments. Seneca State Forest surrounded them, thousands of acres of woodlands on small, lumpy hills.

  As they pulled up at the two-story brick school, Eva-Jo was singing again and whirling her wand around. Gabe’s nerves were wearing thin. He opened the sliding door so Eva-Jo could climb out. He glanced over at Bay, who was unbuckling. What the hell? She was frowning, and he noticed the blood and a small bruise forming on her neck. Damn. It was obvious where she got this. He waited until Bay turned toward him to scoot off the seat.

  “Did she nail you with that damned wand?” Gabe asked under his breath, picking up her hand and helping her out. Bay’s eyes were shadowed. He could feel the tension in her body.

  “She didn’t mean it,” Bay murmured. “It’s nothing, Gabe. Really.” Would he believe her lie? Bay hurried to the back of the van to meet Poppy. Together, they carried the covered cookie trays into the gymnasium. Gabe brought up the rear with the apple cider in each hand.

  Bay wasn’t prepared for the high level of noise, laughter and music echoing around the huge gym. She followed her mother to one end of the crowded hall where children energetically milled with adults. Many of them were decked out in costumes. Eva-Jo went running merrily into the crowd, waving her fairy wand around, showing it off to everyone. Bay found herself wishing she could be so carefree.

  Gabe kept an eye on Bay as he helped the two women distribute the sheets of cookies across six long tables. He peeled off the foil and set them down. People began crowding forward, wanting to grab some goodies before they disappeared. He felt children pushing in around his legs, jostling and stretching their arms forward toward the food on the table. They were smiling, laughing and playful. Gabe felt anything but. He looked left and noticed a bunch of teen boys crowding in around Bay. She looked ill at ease as she tried to take foil off the last batch of cookies on the table.

  Gabe extracted himself from the children. Other anxious kids immediately flowed into the vacant spot. A half dozen mentally challenged boys, some nearly six feet tall, jostled around Bay, trying to get to the cookies, stretching their arms around her to reach them. She suddenly lost her balance as two boys pushed too hard.

  Instantly, Gabe was there, sliding his hand around Bay’s arm, stopping her from falling.

  “I’ve got you,” he said, shielding her with his body as the teens surged forward and past them. Gabe guided Bay away from the crowd of over a hundred people swamping the food tables. He placed his arm around her shoulders and led her out toward an empty area in the center of the gym.

  Bay steadied her breathing. The music tore holes into her sensitized nervous system. The unrelenting screaming and shrieking of the children made her ears ring. She knew that Gabe was talking to her, but she couldn’t hear him. In seconds, Bay felt herself leaving her body again, floating, seeing herself below. Anxiety, mixed with a huge fist of grief, exploded up through her. She felt Gabe’s arm tighten around her waist, and she leaned against him, her hands over her ears, her eyes tightly shut.

  When Bay closed her eyes, to her horror, she once more saw the six-year-old little boy lying semiconscious in a pile of blankets, his leg broken. She heard Khogani laughing, pointing at the child, telling her to fix him. Bay tried to stop the movie flowing through her head, but she couldn’t.

  No…oh, no… I don’t want to see him again…please, God, I don’t…please, no…

  Gabe cursed softly, hearing mewling cries whisper brokenly between Bay’s contorted lips.

  Son of a bitch!

  Gabe knew she shouldn’t have come. This was just too much for her to handle all at once! Bay leaned heavily against him, her hands pressed against her ears. Her cries were drowned out by the noise, music and continued laughter. Gabe led her toward the closest exit. Bay was stumbling, as if drunk, beneath his arm. Breathing hard, angered at the therapist, he shoved the door open. He ushered her into a deserted school hall.

  “It’s okay, Bay,” Gabe breathed, hauling her against him. He leaned back into the row of lockers, wrapping his arms around her. She buried her head against his shoulder. He could feel her trembling.

  Dammit! Desperately, Gabe looked around. The music and noise were fairly well blunted by the hall of lockers. He could feel Bay working to control her breathing, felt her struggling to stop shaking. Gently stroking her hair, Gabe choked on a lump growing in his throat. Frustration curdled in him, and he closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get a handle on his mounting anger.

  Gabe had taught Bay that old diver’s trick of bringing down her heart rate. If she opened her eyes, she stopped seeing the child and Khogani. But the raw and terrified feelings of what Bay saw, what she was feeling, writhed through her. She pulled out of his arms. “I need some air,” she rasped, searching desperately to find a door to escape through, panic nearly overwhelming her.

  Gabe gripped her hand. “This way, baby. Just hang on. I’ll get you out of here….”

  As Gabe pushed open the outer door, Bay lunged past him to escape outside. She staggered and then righted herself, holding her face up to the sky, dragging in draughts of fresh air through her opened mouth. Her stomach was roiling, and she pressed her hand against herself. She felt Gabe come to her side. Knowing what she had to do, she leaned over, hands on her knees, concentrating on slowing the panic attack. Gabe kept his hand on her back, as if to let her know she wasn’t alone. When Bay closed her eyes this time, the scene in the cave was gone. Thank God.

  This time, she wasn’t going to cry even though the tears stung the backs of her tightly shut eyes. If she was going to get well, she had to work through the anxiety and panic by herself.

  Gabe stood tensely. He watched Bay lean over, gasping for air, fighting the raw terror that wanted to control her. Anger reared up through him, and he wanted to punch his fist through anything he could find. The terrible sense of helplessness, the frustration of knowing that Bay wasn’t ready for socialization, tore him apart. Adrenaline was leaking into his bloodstream as well as hers. They’d both seen combat. It had changed their reactions forever. Wiping his mouth, Gabe looked around. They were in a parking lot, and he saw no one. Right now, he didn’t want to talk to a soul.

  Finall
y, Bay slowly straightened up. She pushed her curly hair away from her face. The sun had set, the sky a lighter color now. The wind was picking up, and she put her arms around herself. When she looked over at Gabe’s angry features, Bay’s stomach clenched. His eyes were so flat and dangerous-looking. It scared her for a moment because her own emotions were running loose within her. She could see he was fighting not to say anything.

  “Let’s walk,” she suggested in a strained tone.

  Giving a jerk of his head, Gabe followed her lead. Bay gave him a silent look of thanks as he settled the coat around her shoulders. Right now, Gabe was a big, bad guard dog. His game face was in place, his eyes hard and unreadable. She kept walking around the black asphalt parking lot. Walking helped her come down. The more she moved, the better, more stable she felt. Gabe hadn’t touched her, hadn’t tried to put his arm around her waist or shoulders. She could feel rage radiating off him.

  She frowned. “You were right. I wasn’t ready for this. I’m sorry, Gabe.”

  He cut a look in her direction. Bay’s eyes were sad-looking, and he felt her apology. But he was angry. Damned angry at the therapist. Gabe had held his opinion concerning her. In his one and only meeting with Jolene, she informed him that she preferred to hear the background directly from the patient, not him. Gabe had angrily walked away from their meeting, knowing that if Jolene knew nothing about Bay, she was bound to make assumptions and errors. And Bay would suffer because of it. The counselor didn’t know Bay had gone through capture, rape, killing the enemy, escape and injury.

  Nostrils flaring, Gabe growled, “That therapist of yours is full of shit! There’s no way you were ready for this, Bay. You trusted her, you didn’t trust me.”

  Bay slowed to a stop. She stood a few feet from Gabe. Deeply affected, she managed in a hoarse voice, “I know you’re upset. You have a right to be….”

  His hands curled into fists, and then Gabe forced himself to relax. “Did you feel she was right, Bay? Did you seriously feel up to this?” He jabbed his finger at the building behind them.

  His anger felt like barbs being shot into her body. Bay wrapped her arms a little tighter around herself. “Look, I was wrong. Okay? I made a mistake and I’ve paid for it.” Her voice lowered with apology. “And so have you….”

  Gabe was breathing harder, his eyes slits. “What about next time, Bay? You can’t trust your own sense of self, yet. That’s why I’m here.” Gabe jabbed his thumb at his chest. “Dammit, you can’t do this to yourself!” His voice cracked. “Why didn’t you listen to me instead of that therapist?”

  His rage struck her full force. Desperately, Bay tried to separate out Gabe’s reaction from the man she loved. She lifted her lashes, meeting his anguished gaze. He was hurting so damn much. “I—I wanted to get better, Gabe. You’re right, I didn’t feel up to it, but I thought I could do it anyway. I wanted—” and Bay’s voice grew resigned “—I wanted to show you I was getting stronger. That I didn’t need to be babysat day in and day out.” Gabe snapped his chin up, his eyes flaring with rage. “Dammit, that came out wrong,” she said quickly, holding up her hand. “What I meant to say—”

  “Your therapist called me a babysitter?” Gabe ground out. “Those are her words, Bay. They’re not yours.”

  Grimacing, Bay nodded. “Yeah, those are her words. She was just wanting me to get out on my own more because, sooner or later, I’d have to anyway.”

  “I suppose she called me a crutch? An enabler?”

  The dark warning in his voice shook her. She felt physically slapped by his cold rage and icy stare.

  “Yes, she used the word enabler,” she quietly admitted.

  “That’s ridiculous!”

  Bay cringed. She saw the anguished look Gabe gave her. “I told her you weren’t, Gabe,” she offered, her voice trembling. “I didn’t believe you were….”

  “Given the amount of hell you’ve gone through,” Gabe rattled out angrily, “that woman doesn’t get it! She hasn’t a clue, Bay, as to how you managed to survive! Dammit, I do!” His voice cracked, and he yelled, “I was there! I saw it all!”

  Stunned, Bay gasped. “You were?”

  Aw, hell, he’d blown it!

  Breathing harshly, Gabe scrambled. He hadn’t meant to tell Bay anything before her memory had given it back to her first. He saw confusion in her eyes, her lips parting in agony.

  “I’m not saying anything else,” Gabe rasped. “Let’s get to the van. It’s damned cold out here.”

  Bay stood, paralyzed by his hoarse cry that plunged straight through her heart. Gabe had been there! Wherever “there” was. Her only memory was of the cave, of Khogani, ministering to the wounded Taliban soldiers and the rape. Her mind hadn’t given up anything else. She had no idea how she’d gotten out of the cave or how she’d managed to survive captivity. Her memory was a blank, and it wasn’t yielding anything. The look on Gabe’s tortured features gripped Bay, scared her, and she felt anxiety explode within her again.

  With a croak, Bay suddenly turned away from him. She bent over, hands pressed against her stomach and throat, heaving, the sounds terrible and embarrassing. Tears stung her eyes, her mouth watered, and bile burned the back of her throat. She tried to wipe her tears away when it finally was over. Her hand trembled so badly that she couldn’t even wipe the saliva away from her mouth.

  Gabe ruthlessly jammed everything into his kill box the moment Bay started to get sick. He walked to her side, sliding his arm around her hip, allowing her to lean against him as Bay retched her guts out. He felt as if someone had twisted and torn him in half. Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out a white handkerchief. He pressed it into Bay’s hand. He was a damn failure. He’d gotten angry and let fly with something Bay hadn’t recalled yet. He’d seen the gut-shot look on her drawn features. And he’d witnessed the result of his actions.

  Son of a bitch.

  Bay wiped her mouth and forced herself to stand up. Tears matted her lashes, and she rubbed them away with her shaking fingers. “Gabe, take me home, please?” She needed to get out of here, to get away from him. Bay desperately needed to be alone, to figure it all out. She saw his eyes filled with misery. With defeat.

  “Come on,” Gabe muttered, “I’ll drive you back to the cabin.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  “WHERE’S BAY?” POPPY asked Gabe. It was the morning after the Halloween party.

  Gabe scowled. “I guess she’s still sleeping. Why?” Last night after he’d driven Poppy and Eva-Jo home, he’d found Bay’s bedroom door closed when he’d finally got to the cabin around nine. And the inner door between the bedrooms had been shut, as well. Bay had needed some space, even though he’d wanted desperately to apologize for his words and actions out in the parking lot earlier.

  “My old blue Ford truck’s gone. It was there last night when we came in.”

  He froze. Moving across the kitchen, Gabe quickly went to the door of Bay’s bedroom. Pushing it open, he saw the bed was made. Panic started to eat at him as he saw a note lying in the center of the bed. He grabbed it. His gut began to crumble as he read it.

  Dear Gabe,

  I have to leave. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I have to go away. I have to try and figure out what’s wrong with me and figure out how to fix it. I’m so sorry I hurt you so badly. You were always loyal and you never gave up on me. Please tell Mama that I’ve taken her truck. Tell her I’ll call her and she’s not to worry about me. I wish I could repay you, Gabe. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. Love, Bay

  Reeling, Gabe took the note out of the room and handed it to Poppy. His mind moved at light speed, calculating when Bay had left. How the hell had he not heard her get up and leave? He’d been utterly exhausted by their argument last night, and he remembered falling into bed and immediately dropping off to sleep.

  “Oh, Lordy,” Poppy cried softly, pressing her hand to her mouth. Her eyes filled with tears. She looked up at Gabe, a sob tearing from her. �
�What are we going to do?” she cried.

  Raking his hand through his hair, Gabe sat down. He had to or his knees would buckle. “Sit down for a minute, Poppy. Let me think….”

  She sniffed and blotted her eyes as she sat opposite him at the table. “Should I call the police?”

  “No,” Gabe muttered. “Not yet. They won’t go after a missing person for at least forty-eight hours after they’ve turned up missing.” His heart felt so damned heavy in his chest, he could barely breathe. Think! He had to think! He jerked a look up at Poppy. “Where did Bay go when she was hurting? She must have had some kind of favorite place.”

  “Wh-what?”

  “Kids always have a favorite hiding place. Where was hers?”

  Rubbing her brow, Poppy looked stunned. Her face had gone white.

  Gabe held on to his deteriorating patience. What if Bay stopped for gas somewhere and some asshole made a pass at her? Gabe couldn’t shut off other horrifying possibilities.

  “Oh, Lordy,” Poppy muttered. “She and her pa went fishing at Stony Bottom on the Greenbrier River. It’s a nice area on the river, and it was her favorite place to be with him. They went almost every month during the summer. She didn’t fish, but she loved being with Floyd and did a lot of hiking in the area. They were so close,” Poppy whispered. “I know Bay misses him terribly.”

  “Where’s Stony Bottom?” Gabe asked, trying to sound calm. His stomach burned. His heart felt as if someone was slowly ripping it in half. Getting up, he grabbed a pen and paper from the telephone stand near the couch. He placed them in front of Poppy. “Can you draw me a map? Is it nearby?”

  “It’s only about five miles southwest of us,” Poppy whispered, drawing the map on the paper. “Bay would hike along the Greenbrier River Trail. She particularly liked the area where a small bridge crosses it. There’s a nice grassy meadow on the other side with a hill that’s about twenty-eight hundred feet high behind it. She’d take her watercolors along with her and paint over there. It parallels the Greenbrier River, Gabe. It’s deep backcountry. Hikers during the day, but black bear, deer and smaller animals most other times. It’s all national or state forest land. That’s where Floyd would go to take down bucks for the poor people on our mountain. He and Bay would go down there every fall and hunt. It’s rich, beautiful woodlands. Real Hill country.”