“Why would we keep it? You have at least two years of school left, and then you’ll be so focused on your career you won’t have time to start a family.” The words sting, even if they’re true.
“Hey, space cadet,” Alyssa laughs as she throws a balled up towel at me. I turn around and see her staring at me, tapping her foot. “Are we shopping or did you want to stare at the snow all afternoon?”
Four hours later, I follow Alyssa into the house, feeling a bit like a pack mule. She tried to reach for the bags, but there’s no way I’m subjecting myself to Xavier’s wrath if he catches us as we walk in the door. If he doesn’t back off, I’m going to be forced to sit him down and tell him to let Alyssa live her life. She won’t say anything to him, but she complains to me almost daily about the fact that he’s treating her as if she already has one foot in the grave. She’s a proud woman and having her independence stripped away from her before it’s time is frustrating her.
“Mommy, you’re home!” Jacob squeals, running through the house. She braces herself against the wall as the boy crashes into her legs. “Did you get me something?” he asks, eyeing the bags in my hands.
“I don’t know, have you been a good boy?” She smiles down at her son and my heart breaks. As she bends down to hug him, I pull out my phone to take a picture. I’ve never done this in the past, but I knew helping this family wasn’t going to be like the others. I want to do whatever I can to make sure Jacob will have something to remember his mother by long after she’s gone.
Jacob nods his head furiously. “I have been a good boy! Ask Daddy, he talked to Miss Pam today and she told him that I didn’t get any yellow or red marks at school.”
I excuse myself, carrying the bags to Alyssa’s bedroom. Xavier stops me in my tracks as I turn the corner to go down the hall. “Why did you let her do that?” he asks. After looking at his strong hand wrapped around my bicep, I look up to his face, fully expecting to see a disapproving glare, not worry, in his dark blue eyes.
“Because Christmas is just around the corner and she wanted to go shopping,” I respond, rolling my eyes. I jerk my arm free and continue walking down the hall. Alyssa told me where to stash everything while we drove home, knowing that her husband and son wouldn’t allow her a moment of peace when she walked through the door after being liberated for the day.
“She could have done that online,” he points out, stepping in front of me once again. What he fails to think about is the fact that this house is becoming a prison to Alyssa. While we do need to be careful, keeping her in the relative safety of her own home won’t do anything to change what is going on. And a trip to the mall is no worse than having a four year old who goes to daycare running through the house.
“Xavier, you have to let her live,” I say, pushing my way past him. I’m not the submissive girl I used to be. That girl died on the living room floor six years ago. “I get that you’re worried about her, but this is my job. You should know by now that I wouldn’t let her keep going if she was getting too tired.”
Heavy footsteps echo off the walls behind me. I turn into the bedroom, leaving the door open. “That’s the problem,” he grumbles. I swat his hand away when he tries to peek in the bags. She bought a few things for him and I’m not about to let him ruin the surprise. “She won’t tell you when she gets tired. She’s acting like nothing’s wrong when we all know it is.”
I slam the closet door shut behind me and spin around to look at him. I square my shoulders as I take a step into his personal space. “Do you seriously think I need her to tell me when she gets tired? Alyssa is the ninth client I have helped through this completely shitty stage of life. The first day I came into your house, you asked me if I was capable of doing my job and I guaranteed you then that I was. It’s not because I was in the top tenth of my graduating class or because I had the highest praise from the doctors I worked with before transitioning into hospice. It’s because I do everything I can to give my patients the quality of life they deserve right up until they take their last breath.”
Xavier’s eyes are wide when I stop long enough to take a breath. I can tell by the smug grin on his face that he’s enjoying watching me challenge him this way. “If you have a problem with that, I think you had better prepare to explain to your wife why you asked the agency to assign a different caretaker to her case.”
“Damn, Mel,” Xavier says quietly. “It’s good to see the feisty brat I used to know is still in there somewhere.” I bristle at his words, wanting to pound my fists into his chest. He does not get to call me a brat anymore. That was one of his favorite nicknames for me when we were together. He lost that right when he tossed me to the side for a momentary lapse in judgment. “From now on, I would appreciate it if you would call me before going on any outings. You might be her companion and nurse, but I am her husband.”
Not wanting to make a scene, I purse my lips, anxious for him to leave the room. I close my eyes tightly, staring up at the ceiling once he’s gone, reminding myself that I can do this.
“Xavier, do you think Mel would be willing to come over tomorrow night if you paid her extra?” Alyssa’s sitting on the living room floor wrapping a mountain of presents. She and Melanie have gone shopping at least four times this month and my credit card is thankful that Christmas is only two days away.
“She probably has plans already, Al. I think asking her to give up Christmas with her family is a bit much.” I know damn well that’s a lie. If Melanie was going home for Christmas, she would have been on a plane to Vermont days ago.
“That’s exactly why I want you to ask her to come. If she thinks we need her to help, she won’t say no. Her family is somewhere out on the east coast and I don’t want her sitting alone in her apartment.” I should have known my scheming wife had this all figured out. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if she knows more about Melanie’s life than I do.
The bigger problem is that Alyssa knows I won’t tell her no. If she asked for the Taj Mahal to be sitting in the front lawn when she wakes up tomorrow morning, I would spend all night trying to figure out how to make it happen. At least, I hope she sees that I’m trying to be more accommodating since the night Melanie chewed my ass. There have been plenty of times I’ve wanted to tell Alyssa to slow down, to take it easy, but then Melanie’s voice rings in my head, telling me that I can’t be a controlling ass. I still can’t believe she challenged me the way she did, but after I calmed down I was able to see that I needed that.
I kiss the top of Alyssa’s head as I gather more wrapped gifts to put under the tree, shaking my head when I see three marked for Melanie. “Sure, I’ll give her a call right now.”
“Thank you,” Alyssa says sweetly, giving me a megawatt smile. The woman truly amazes me.
I duck into my bedroom before dialing Melanie’s number. I’m fully prepared to play dirty if I have to and I don’t want Alyssa hearing what might be said. She and Melanie have become good friends and I won’t jeopardize that if I can help it.
“Is everything okay?” Melanie answers on the third ring, out of breath. I glance at my alarm clock and see that it’s already after ten.
“I’m sorry to call so late, but Alyssa just told me she wants to go to Mass tomorrow night and she was hoping you might be willing to come with.” I couldn’t say it to Alyssa, but I know that Melanie hates the concept of organized religion, so I’m not surprised at the exasperated sigh in response to my request.
“Do I have a choice?” she asks. I can almost picture her with her head thrown back on the couch, her arm thrown over her eyes as she tries to figure out how she’s going to get out of this.
“I told you a long time ago, you always have a choice.” I lower my voice, hoping she will comprehend the meaning.
There’s no response for a long time. Just as I prepare to hang up and call back, I hear a dog barking in the background. “Melanie?”
“You owe me for this one, Xavier. Tell her I’ll be there.”
�
�Thank you. It means a lot to her.” I pause, wondering if I should say the rest of what’s on my mind.
“Anything else?” Melanie asks impatiently.
“No, I guess not,” I sigh. “Sweet dreams.” I bang my head against the wall after we disconnect the call. I used to tell her to have sweet dreams every night, back when I was traveling for work and she was curled up on the bed in this room before going to sleep. For months after Melanie left, I wondered if things would have turned out differently had I not been so dedicated to becoming the top project manager for the medical technology firm that hired me right out of college. It wasn’t until after Jacob was born that I started to realize how screwed up my priorities were and I’m not sure I’ve ever completely straightened them out.
“Daddy, I saw presents for Miss Melanie under the tree!” If I didn’t know better, I would think someone fed Jacob straight sugar this morning for breakfast. He’s been bouncing off the walls, once literally, since he climbed into my bed at five-thirty. “Does that mean she’s having Christmas with us?”
Jacob follows me around the house, babbling about how nice and pretty Miss Melanie is. Even though she wouldn’t have to, she’s been spending more and more time at the house, even getting down on the floor to play blocks with Jacob when Alyssa is sleeping. And while I fix dinner, she’s started keeping my son occupied by coloring on sheets she prints off for him each night. I wonder if she does this for all of the families she works with or if we’re the lucky ones, but I don’t ask her about it. I’m not sure how I would handle hearing whatever answer she could give me.
“Yeah, buddy, Miss Melanie will be here for Christmas.” I look at the shopping list Alyssa has prepared for me, wondering who’s going to cook and eat all of this food. It’s one thing to want to have a perfect Christmas dinner, but I’m fairly certain Jacob and I will be eating leftovers for the next month.
“Does that mean she’s our family now, Daddy?” I spew coffee across the room at my son’s question. He’s going to be the death of me if he keeps staring at me with those puppy dog eyes.
“No, buddy,” I say, trying to let him down easy. “Miss Melanie is Mommy’s friend, but she’s not family.”
“But she could be, right?” I get the feeling he’s not going to let this go. Because Alyssa has been sick for so much of Jacob’s life, we haven’t had many close friends hanging around. It’s mostly been the two of us and Braydon in his life until Melanie.
“No, she couldn’t. But sometimes, we are lucky enough to have friends who are close to us like family, so that’s a good thing.” I hear the front door close and look up to see none other than the object of my son’s affection smiling back at us. Jacob runs down the hall and I watch as she squats down, picking him up and swinging him around as she kisses his cheeks. “Good morning, Melanie.”
“Hey, Xavier,” she practically sings. I shake my head, realizing that under her perky exterior, she’s likely thinking of ways to kill me and make it look like an accident. Thanks to my sick wife, she’s being forced to endure two of her least favorite things; Christmas and church. Three if you include the fact that she’s going to suffer through a holiday with me. “Is Alyssa still sleeping?”
She helps herself to a cup of coffee, floating around the kitchen as if she’s completely at home here. Before I get through mentally berating myself for lingering on that thought for too long, Melanie is reaching around me to grab the oatmeal I had started preparing for Jacob before he distracted me by asking questions about whether or not Melanie is family.
I can’t tell Jacob that there was a time when Melanie was the most important person in my life. She was my world. And then everything we shared crumbled. Deep in my heart, I know that there will always be a place where Melanie resides, but I can’t allow that to come to the surface because Alyssa and Jacob are my life now. The bond that will never be severed with Melanie has to remain a secret because I will never do anything that will hurt them.
Chapter 4
I can’t stop myself from standing in front of the bay window in the living room, waving goodbye to Xavier and Jacob as they head out for some last minute shopping. Jacob was relentless after breakfast, insisting that they had to find Alyssa the perfect gift, something that would make her happy. Xavier glanced over the boy’s head, silently pleading with me to save him. He and I both know that Alyssa doesn’t want anything because she’s come to terms with the fact that she won’t be around long enough to truly enjoy it, but there’s no way a four-year old’s mind can grasp that concept.
“I think that’s a great idea,” I say cheerfully, kissing the top of Jacob’s head as I clear the breakfast dishes from the table. The simple action is like a knife twisting somewhere deep within me. With every passing day, it’s getting harder to see the line between personal and professional interactions. The safe distance I’ve maintained with previous clients and their families has proven impossible with the Ross family.
“Melanie, can I speak with you for a moment?” Xavier asks. Only I know from the tone of his voice that it is not a request. “Jacob, go turn on cartoons and we’ll be out in a minute.”
I follow Xavier down the hall, head bowed submissively. No matter how much I tell my body that this is no longer my role in his life, it refuses to comply.
“What were you thinking?” Xavier hisses once we’re in the privacy of Jacob’s bedroom. It’s the only room in the house where we won’t be overheard given the fact that I refuse to set foot in the master bedroom ever again.
Risking Xavier scolding me for overstepping my bounds, I place my hands on his broad shoulders, holding him steady as I speak. He’s not going to like what I have to say, but he needs to hear the words. “Xavier, we all know Alyssa is dying, but he doesn’t. Even if he knows his mom is sick, even if he can see that she’s getting a little bit weaker every day, he doesn’t realize this is the last Christmas Eve he will get to spend with her. That tomorrow is her last Christmas morning with him. You need to get past what your intellectual mind knows and give him what he desperately needs right now. And that is for you to put a smile on your face, strap him into his car seat, and find Alyssa the best gift you possibly can.”
I see the tears welling in Xavier’s eyes and I know I’ve cut him deep. His chest rises and falls in unsteady breaths as his mind processes what I’ve said. Beating down everything in my body that is screaming for me to get out of this room and run as fast as I can, I wrap my arms around Xavier’s waist, pulling him close to me. He tenses momentarily before leaning into me, allowing me to hold him as the tears begin streaming down his face.
“How am I going to do this without her?” he sobs. My heart shatters as the strongest man I have ever known bawls uncontrollably in my embrace. “Melanie, I can’t do this. I know I have no right to ask this of you, but I need you to help me. Please help me figure out what I’m supposed to do…”
I’m so lost in trying to keep from crying now that he’s gone and I have a moment of peace that I don’t hear the front door open and close. “What in the hell are you doing here?” asks an angry voice directly behind me. I spin around and find myself staring at the one person who could blow the lid off this well-intentioned charade.
“Braydon, I didn’t hear you come in,” I say, reaching up to wipe the tears away from my face. I look around his impressive form, making sure Alyssa isn’t standing in the kitchen. “What are you doing here?”
It’s a ridiculous question seeing as it is Christmas Eve and he is Xavier’s older brother. The two of them had a strained relationship in the past, but they refused to stop trying to get along despite the fact that both were raised by mothers who blamed the other woman for being the downfall of their relationship with William Ross.
I try to move away from the window, but every time I move, Braydon moves with me. “I asked you first,” he says angrily. “And the way I see it, only one of us is supposed to be here right now. I don’t know what fucking game you’re playing at, but Xavier has a good
life now. He needs to spend his time with Alyssa and Jacob.”
“Keep your voice down, Braydon,” I whisper, pulling him out onto the front porch. I know his temper well and there’s not a room in the house that will hold our secrets when he’s upset. I begin shivering the moment the frigid air hits my skin. “I know that he needs to be able to pay attention to his wife and his child,” I respond, making sure there’s no misunderstanding that I know exactly who Alyssa and Jacob are to him.
“Then why would you march back into his life, forcing him to tear open wounds that took a hell of a long time to heal?” I’m not a small woman and I don’t back down easily, but with Braydon staring down at me, backing me into the corner of the front porch, I feel miniscule. “He almost fucked things up with a decent woman because he was still so hung up on you. Now, she’s fighting for her fucking life and you’re back. What the fuck, Melanie?”
I can’t believe what a skewed version of my own past Braydon is hurling at me. I didn’t walk out of Xavier’s life, he pushed me out. He is the one who told me he needed time to think and then never called me again. I spent almost a year telling myself that he would come around, that he would realize what we had was strong enough to get past the problems we had. That one night of me proving that I was capable of thinking for myself wasn’t worth throwing away four years of happiness. But the call never came.
And then, right when I thought I was over everything, the universe decided to show me just what a bitch she can be and threw Xavier back into my life. And every day for almost two months, I’ve had to live what could have been my life, the whole time taking care of the woman who is filling the role that should have been mine. And wouldn’t you know it? As much as I didn’t want to like Alyssa, I now find myself preparing for the death of the woman I’ve come to love as a friend.
Fragile Bonds Page 3
