“Braydon, while I appreciate that you’re trying to protect your family, I can assure you that you don’t know the first thing about what’s happened in the past or what’s happening now.” I rise on my toes so I’m looking directly into his eyes. “Before you jump to conclusions about my intentions when it comes to your brother, you might want to think about what I went to school for.”
I can see the moment understanding registers in Braydon’s bright blue eyes. His face falls as he tries to find a way to take back the hatred he was lobbing at me. “Melanie, I’m a big enough man that I will apologize for jumping to conclusions. Xavier and Jacob have been through so much and I know it’s only going to get worse.” The change in his demeanor would be laughable if I wasn’t so offended. “I’m sorry.”
Before I can respond, the front door opens and I turn to see a very confused Alyssa staring at us, her blanket wrapped tightly around her body. “What in the world are you two doing outside? Melanie, get your ass in here. I can’t have my personal assistant getting sick on me.” She gives me a quick wink as Braydon stares between the two of us.
I know how you’re feeling, Braydon. The whole situation surpassed weird about six weeks ago.
“So, I see you’ve met Xavier’s brother,” Alyssa says as she curls onto the couch. I hit the ignition button on the gas fireplace, hoping to keep the room warm enough for her. “I know you said you don’t date, but seriously, Mel, you should give this one a shot. I know I would have if I hadn’t wound up with Xavier.”
I purse my lips tightly, taking a few cleansing breaths before turning around. When I do, I burst out laughing at the look of horror on his face. “Gee, Braydon,” I laugh. “I know I’m no Gisele, but I didn’t think I was so horrific that the concept of dating me would make you physically ill.”
“I…it’s not…” It’s fun watching him stumble over his words after that little bullshit speech of his. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re a beautiful girl, but I’m sure we have nothing in common. I mean, look at you, you work as a home health nurse, taking care of sick people all day. I’m not proud to say it, but I hate being around anyone who has so much as a cold.”
“Damn, Bradyon!” Alyssa squeals. “Keep talking and I’m pretty sure that hole you’re digging will reach China before too long.”
“Dammit, Al, you know what I’m saying,” Braydon huffs. His cheeks are an adorable shade of red with embarrassment. “Fuck, it’s like there are two of you now!”
Braydon storms out of the living room before making any more of an ass of himself. I glance at my watch when I hear the jars clanking in the fridge as he slams the door closed, his first beer of the day in hand. I know it’s his first because, unless things have changed, Braydon Ross will not drink before noon and it’s just now five after twelve.
“Where’s Xavier?” he asks, leaning against the breakfast bar.
“He had some things to do with Jacob this morning. They’ll be back soon,” I inform him as I turn down the hall to get Alyssa’s medication. Braydon follows me, closing Alyssa’s bedroom door quietly behind him. I should have known our conversation wasn’t done.
“Okay, well that was weird,” Braydon sighs. “I guess it’s safe to say she doesn’t know about you and Xavier?”
“No,” I whisper loudly, my eyes nearly ready to bug out of my head. He used to be a smart guy, I can’t imagine he’s foolish enough to think I would be here if she knew the truth. Especially the version of the truth Braydon delivered so eloquently a few minutes ago. “And Xavier would like it to stay that way. I’m sure you understand.”
Braydon nods as he opens the door and sneaks out before Alyssa realizes we were off talking. I gather everything Alyssa needs so she can be comfortable out with the family for a while today. She’ll need a nap at some point, but I promised I would let her help with making dinner as long as she gave me her word she wouldn’t overdo it. Right now, it’s all about balancing what she wants and what she needs.
“Shit,” I mumble as soon as I turn onto Tamarac Lane. I completely forgot that Braydon said he was going to be coming over for the day. It’s his first Christmas since Shelby took off for Atlanta and Alyssa badgered him about his holiday plans until he caved.
“What’s wrong, Daddy?” Jacobs calls from the back seat. As I turn into the driveway, he squeals in delight at the very sight that had me cursing. “Unca Braydon! Daddy, my Unca is here!”
It’s a good thing the boy hasn’t figured out how to work the release on his car seat or I’m pretty sure he would have been out of my Audi before the car was even turned off. “Yes, Uncle Braydon is here, buddy. Be patient and I’ll let you out.”
The front door opens and I see my big brother coming down the steps, much to the delight of his only nephew. “Forget to mention something to me?” he asks, acerbically. I look up to the sky, wishing he would let it be. I know damn well he’s talking about Melanie, but he needs to get it through his thick skull that despite what even I thought at first Melanie has been a godsend to our family.
“Didn’t forget, Bray. Just didn’t tell you,” I respond bluntly. He’s been protective of me since shortly after we met, living up to every unwritten rule of being a big brother. Unfortunately, this is one of those cases where he’s jumping the gun. I can tell by the tick in his jaw and the tension in his neck. “And this is why. You would have told me I was fucking stupid for letting her in. Shit, I thought I was for the first week, but then I saw how good she is at her job. Alyssa didn’t want a traditional hospice nurse because those are for sick people, according to her.”
“Is she in denial?” Braydon asks. His brow is furrowed tightly in concern.
“Nope, but she is adamant that she’s not going to be treated like she’s dying.” Jacob pounding his little fist on the glass of the back door pulls our attention away from anything other than his silly faces staring back at us. If I have to deal with all the heavy shit in my life right now, I’m grateful to have my buddy for comic relief.
“So, what does Melanie do?” As we continue talking, Braydon gets Jacob out of the car while I pull our shopping bags from the trunk. We bought so much crap, but I followed Melanie’s advice and let Jacob buy as much as he wanted for Alyssa. It’s a lifetime of Christmases wrapped up in one melancholy night.
Stop it. You cannot go into this with a shitty attitude. Give them the last Christmas together they deserve.
I set Jacob on the ground, telling him to go find his mom. I need another minute to talk to my brother. He’s the only person in my life who knows everything. It’s a relief, in a way, that he now knows about Melanie being back in my life because I’m slowly losing my mind.
“Talk to me, little brother,” Braydon says, leaning against the hood of my car. The way he’s looking at me, I know I’m not fooling him. Melanie leaving tore me to pieces, even though I was the one who told her to go. Once I realized my mistake, I tried going after her, but Stacey, her rabid pit bull of a best friend, was there to turn me away each and every fucking time.
“There’s a lot you don’t know about what went down. Someday, you might,” I mirror my brother’s posture as I debate how much information to give him. Seeing my wife staring out the front window at us, I know there’s not time for much. “For now, I just need you to give me your word that you won’t be a dick to Melanie. It wasn’t all her fault. And please, for the love of everything holy, don’t let Alyssa find out.”
I’m not sure Alyssa has ever fully gotten over the hell I put her through for the first eighteen months we were together. I never opened my heart to her because it had been left battered by the woman before her. I was a dick to her, even after she gave birth to my son. It wasn’t until the day she was diagnosed for the first time that I realized that I had grown to love her, even if I had been trying to deny it. Life has a funny way of kicking you in the teeth sometimes.
“We had a close call earlier, but no, I won’t tell her.” Braydon looks me square in the eyes as he speaks and I know
he will keep our secret. “I’m not sure I agree with you letting her be here given your history, but it’s not my place to say anything.”
“I know, Bray. Trust me, if I could have figured out how to get a new companion assigned that first day, I would have.”
“Let’s go inside,” Braydon suggests. “I’m sure Alyssa is starting to wonder why I’m outside talking to you after she caught me on the front porch with Mel.”
I knew Alyssa was trying to do too much. She refuses to accept the fact that she can’t do everything she wants to do. Unlike when she was healthy, now her body will simply shut down on her when it has had enough. Melanie sent her off as soon as we were done eating Christmas dinner, saying Alyssa needed a nap if she wanted to go to Mass.
“We’re not going,” I inform Melanie as we finish loading the dishwasher. I know Alyssa wanted us to be this postcard perfect family for our last Christmas, but if I have my choice between watching her do this to herself and sitting at home in front of the fire, we’re not going anywhere. “I’ll tell her so she’s pissed at me, but she needs her sleep.”
“You’re probably right,” Melanie says sadly. The fact that she’s not fighting my decision concerns me. She’s been a champion for letting Alyssa live each day to the fullest, and now she’s agreeing that I need to tell my wife she can’t do what she wants. “Xavier, don’t look at me like that.”
She leads me into the living room, sitting me down on the couch. She sits next to me, taking both of my hands in hers. Seeing the woman I so easily cast aside showing me this level of compassion is nearly my undoing. Despite what anyone else thinks, she and I both know the truth about that night.
“Xavier, look at me,” she demands in a kind yet forceful tone. I look up at her and she cracks a smile. Yes, Melanie. The tables have turned. “I still stand behind everything I’ve said about how you treat her. Please don’t jump to the worst case scenario just because I’m agreeing with you this time. I want her to have this time with you and Jacob. I think it’s for the best if she spends every minute she can with the two of you.”
“Mel, she’s sleeping so much now.” I barely recognize my strained voice. “She wanted this so much. She wants us to go to church as a family on Christmas Eve so Jacob will remember that when he gets older.”
“You and Jacob are both going to have memories of her after she’s gone. But if you let her go through with this, your memories are going to be clouded with regrets.” I look at Melanie, truly seeing her for the first time since she came back into our lives. This isn’t the woman I loved when we were both younger. She’s so much more. Maybe we were never supposed to be forever. Maybe we were supposed to be a stepping stone to greater things in our lives; the perfect career for her and my beautiful son for me.
Not wanting Xavier and Alyssa to fight on Christmas Eve, I told him to get Jacob ready for bed and put in a movie while I put my foot down about how the night would go. If Alyssa wants to hate me, that’s her choice, but I will do everything I can to make sure Xavier and Jacob have nothing but good memories from now until the end.
“I warned you when you first started that Xavier is a master at getting what he wants,” Alyssa whines. “How did you let him convince you that I shouldn’t go anywhere? I need this night to be perfect for them. It’s the last time…”
While I understand her feelings, I’m started to get sick of the “last time” excuse. Yes, it is, but most of us don’t have the luxury of a last time. Knowing that your life has an expiration date of sorts is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because you can savor the time you have. The curse is that it’s easy to do exactly what Alyssa is doing now; trying to overcompensate for the lost future.
“Alyssa, listen to me.” I sit on the edge of her bed, placing my hand gently on her arm. I don’t continue until she looks at me. “Being a Norman Rockwell family isn’t going to change what’s happening. You want tonight to be perfect? Go out in the living room, curl up under a blanket with your boys and watch a movie. Fall asleep out there with both of them, even though it means Xavier won’t be able to move tomorrow morning. When Jacob wakes you up in the morning, tell him to climb up in your lap while he opens his presents from Santa. That is what they need from you right now.”
“I just want them to feel like everything is normal,” Alyssa cries. It’s the first time she’s broken down since I started working with her. I was starting to think she was some sort of droid with how stoic she is most of the time. “I’m so fucking sick of them suffering because of this shit.”
I wrap my arms around Alyssa, rocking her as she cries. “Sweetie, they aren’t going to feel like life is normal because it’s not. But I guarantee you, they’ll cherish the time with you more than they will if they have to share you with a church full of people.”
Alyssa slides over in her hospital bed, patting the plastic-coated mattress next to her. I shouldn’t sit there. I’m in way over my head as it is and I’d be well served to distance myself, remembering that she is my client. Then again, I’ve never been the smartest person in the world when it comes to emotions once I let someone in. I pull the blanket over her, creating at least a thin barrier between us before sitting down next to her.
When she leans into me, resting her head on my shoulder, I wrap my arms around her, holding her. This woman, who I didn’t want to like on any level, has weaseled her way so far inside my heart, calling her a friend is insufficient. I would like to think that the bond we share is similar to what sisters feel for one another. I close my eyes tightly, pushing back the tears I wish I could let fall.
“I need to ask you for a favor,” Alyssa whispers.
“Anything,” I say sincerely.
“On the top shelf of my closet is an angel for the tree,” she says, twisting her body to look at me. “As hard as this year is going to be for me and Xavier, next year is going to be even worse. My little boy won’t have me here for him at Christmas.”
I suck in a deep breath, scared that I know where this is headed. Part of me wishes I hadn’t told her I would do anything for her. “I need you to promise me you’ll come back and make sure they’re okay. I want you to take the angel and bring it back with you. Tell my son that the angel is from me, so he will know I’m still here with him.” Tears are streaming down both of our faces and neither of us are making a move to wipe them away.
Chapter 5
The day the doctors told me that there was nothing more they could do for me was one of the darkest I have experienced. Through two bouts of leukemia, I managed to convince myself that this was a bump in the road that I would somehow get past. After all, I have a little boy at home who needs me and a husband who finally opened himself up to me and loves me as much as I love him. What kind of God would take that away from me? Apparently, a sick and twisted one.
Now, I wake up every morning wondering if today is going to be the beginning of the end. I promised Mel when she first came that I wouldn’t focus on the fact that I’m dying, but instead on the fact that I am still alive. It’s easy to do that when she’s here. With her help, I’m still able to do a lot of things with and for Jacob. And because of her, Xavier and I have started having a date night every week.
The nights are what are unbearable to me. Those hours after Jacob and Xavier go to sleep and the house is quiet allow me too much time to think about everything that is going to happen. About the lifetime they’re going to have after I’m gone. As pissed off as I am at the man upstairs, I spend hours every night praying that nothing ever happens to Xavier because Jacob needs him. Eventually, the exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep, but it never lasts. I wake up shaking, sweating, sometimes bawling my eyes out as reality slaps me once again.
I’m sick of smiling when I would rather scream. I’m tired of being strong. I’m fucking dying here and trying to act like that thought doesn’t scare the shit out of me. My hands shake as I pull on a sweatshirt and skinny jeans. The jeans that used to fit me like a glove are now baggy on me,
a stark reminder that the cancer is literally eating away at my body. I don’t need to go to the doctor today to know what he’s going to tell me. I’m almost relieved that Xavier wasn’t able to get back into town early because it’s that much harder having him sit next to me when the doctor gives me bad news. Melanie is a trained professional, she’s used to hearing the worst case scenarios and doesn’t believe in giving me false hope.
“You do realize that you’re not getting out of this, right? And if you put on any more makeup, you’re going to look like RuPaul. Let’s go!” Mel laughs, sitting on the edge of the bed while I finish putting on my make-up. In all of this, she’s the one bright spot. I never had many female friends and that is exactly how I see Mel. I know she’s getting paid well to be here, but what she does for us on a daily basis goes far beyond what is in her job description. Not only that, but she doesn’t treat me like I’m dying. That is what I love about her.
I stop stalling for time, grabbing my purse off the floor. “You’re really a bitch when it comes to making me go to the doctor, you know that?” I joke as I put on my winter coat and hat. “Now I see why Xavier likes keeping you around.”
Melanie stiffens at the comment. This has happened a few times now and I want to ask her about it. The pit in my stomach keeps me from broaching the subject because I’m scared that one of the crazy scenarios my mind weaves in the darkness will hit too close to home. So, I do like I do with so many things in my life anymore and I ignore it. If I ignore it, maybe it’ll go away, right?
The tension in the doctor’s office is palpable as we wait for the results of Alyssa’s tests. I’ve been here so many times I’m on a first name basis with most of the nurses, but this time feels different. I’ve allowed myself to feel like part of the Ross family for nearly three months now and Alyssa has become a friend to me, not a patient kept at arm’s length. That makes it infinitely harder to remain stoic while Alyssa shifts uncomfortably on her chair.
Fragile Bonds Page 4
