Fragile Bonds

by Sloan Johnson

  “Good! You deserve a man who’s willing to wine and dine you, treat you like a princess. That, along with a couple other things, is the reason I didn’t like you with him before. It always seemed like the two of you were living in your own little bubble, never getting out to live.” His hazel eyes pierce deep into my soul as he watches me carefully for any sign of emotion. I hate to disappoint him, but now that I’ve had a little while to calm down, I feel numb. I’m not anticipating anymore explosive outbursts because I’m working diligently to turn off the part of me that feels anything. Now is the time to be rational, not emotional.

  “I know, Ty, but you also know that what we had worked for us,” I remind him, leaning away from him. I narrow my eyes, sizing him up to gage whether or not this is going to turn into another fight. I can deal with the confrontation with Xavier because it was a necessary evil for both of us to make sure we’re making smart decisions. But Tyler, I can’t handle arguing with him because he’s one of the few true friends I have in my life. And because I know that, although he’s a bit hasty to judge at times, he does have my best interests at heart.

  “I’m not going to go into all that with you right now,” he says dismissively, pressing his lips into a tight line. “Tell me what happened to take you from fairy tale princess to this ragged mess.” He hands me a tissue and I try to clean up the streaks drying on my face.

  “We went to the park.” I truly hope Xavier and I come out the other side of this spat stronger than ever because that park has been my sanctuary for most of my life. I don’t want such a beautiful place tarnished with memories of the night my heart was ripped from my chest a second time.

  “And? You used to love going down there,” Tyler pushes when I’m not forthcoming.

  “And he told me that the love he feels for me is the once-in-a-lifetime kind.” And I couldn’t leave well enough alone, I add silently. God, I’m such a fool. I could have kept my mouth shut, taken what he said at face value and been at home in bed with him by now. But no, I had to let my head take the lead, straight to me with a bad case of puffy, red eyes and Xavier more than likely feeling as if I’ve abandoned him.

  I understand what Xavier means about the depth of our love because I feel it too. And that scares the crap out of me because I’ve had to try to get over him once, I can’t go through that again. My heart physically will not be able to recover from being ripped out of my chest a second time, by the same man. As it is, I feel as if I’ve reached into my own chest and thrown my still-beating heart on the ground as I ran away. There’s a piece of me that I’m fairly certain will always live with Xavier.

  “Sweetie, you need to start talking because everything you’ve told me so far makes me wish that sexy man was hitting for my team,” Tyler teases. He reaches for the bottle of wine, topping off my glass while leaving his own nearly empty. “I know I had my doubts about him, but what you’re telling me sounds like a very good thing. So again, why did you show up on my doorstep looking like some demented clown?”

  “Because he mentioned something about hoping that someday I’ll be a mother to Jacob. How do I know he’s not going to pull something like he did before? If it was just me and him, I might be stupid enough to take the chance, but I have to think about how that would affect Jacob, too.” I reach for another tissue, feeling an ugly cry coming on.

  As I continue pouring my heart out to Tyler, I realize that I’m already in too deep. I might be able to walk away from Xavier, but Jacob has filled the hole in my heart as much as I’m helping to heal the one in his. I resist the urge to run out the door and right into Xavier’s arms. We’ve been reckless up until this point, going with whatever feels good for the two of us, without considering Jacob the way we need to. We haven’t held back from one another for his sake, it’s all been because of Alyssa. We’ve been putting more consideration into what a dead woman would think and what the people in our lives will think when they know we’re back together than we have into what all of this means for Jacob.

  “Sounds to me like you know what you’re going to do and that scares the shit out of you,” Tyler observes. “Honestly, the more I see the two of you around one another, the more I think you’re good together. I think there’s some sort of cosmic reason it wasn’t right before, maybe so you would appreciate what you have now. Don’t throw that away.”

  “But what if--”

  “Stop it! I sat by letting you play that game for too long last time. I’m not going to do it again. Instead of wondering what will happen if he hurts you again, why not take a few minutes to wonder what will happen if he doesn’t pull some bullshit stunt again. What will your life be like if you two are able to get over the past? What would it be like to be the mother that you already are to Jacob and not think about what happens when the end comes?”

  I’ve seen many facets of Tyler’s personality, but I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve seen him this worked up about anything that didn’t directly impact his life. I tighten my grip around my legs, pulling them tighter to my chest.

  “Seriously, Mel, what would all of that be like?” He narrows his eyes until they’re two tiny slivers searing into me. “I want you to tell me that isn’t the life you would love to have.”

  “I can’t.” I shrug, biting back the urge to start crying again. Tyler’s outburst shocked me enough that I forgot about the breakdown I was in the midst of. “I love them both so much. I want things to work out, I really do. But I can’t stop wondering what it will be like when it ends.”

  “Girl, I love ya, but you’re an idiot sometimes. You really think he’s going to let you go a second time? I think you two have had enough time living apart that now you’ll be able to have a solid, healthy relationship.” Tyler stands, starting to turn off lights throughout the small apartment. “And he’s right. The shit you two have, that’s a love that doesn’t come around twice. You were lucky enough that he came back into your life. Think about that tonight because tomorrow, you are going to deal with this shit.”

  Tyler gives me a quick kiss on the forehead, straightening the blankets over my body as I stretch out on the couch. “Thanks, Ty. I’m sorry I was a bitch to you for so long.”

  “Takes one to know one,” he says with a wink. “Good to have you back. Now, go to sleep.”

  I slept on the balcony with the phone in my hand, praying Melanie would call me. Staring at every vehicle that pulled in the drive, I felt like a stalker, hoping she would come back so I knew she was safe. Unless she arrived after I succumbed to the need to sleep, she never came home.

  I pour myself a cup of coffee after sending Braydon a quick message to make sure he got Jacob to school. “Hey, why are you texting me instead of making up for lost time with Melanie?” Braydon says when he walks in my door a few minutes later. I didn’t go into details in my message, but I did let him know that I was here alone if he wanted to stop by.

  “Let’s say last night didn’t go as planned and leave it at that. I haven’t had enough caffeine to try to think about it again.” I slump back on the couch, reaching for the remote. I should have known that he would race over here as soon as I told him she wasn’t here. The man is seriously one of the biggest gossips I know.

  “Um, we’re going to talk about this. What the fuck did you do? When you left yesterday, it seemed like you were finally thinking clearly and that she’s who you want to be with.” He towers over me with his hands on his hips. “Seriously, I know this isn’t easy for you, but if you keep waffling, you’re going to chase her off. Melanie is too fucking good to live in Alyssa’s shadow. I know that might sound weird seeing as I tried chasing Mel away, but that was before. Now, Alyssa isn’t coming back, whether you like it or not, and you’re about to fuck up the best thing that happened in your life, other than Jacob, for a second time.”

  I want to tell him it wasn’t me this time. Every angry word spilling from his mouth is the truth and I know that. But this time, it’s not my fault.

  “Bray,
it’s not that simple. You’re right, I want to be with Mel. When I’m not thinking about hurting Alyssa’s feelings, Melanie is the only woman I want in my life. But she’s scared that I’m going to freak out and push her away again.” I take a long drink of my coffee, wishing there was a way to get it coursing through my veins faster. Braydon isn’t going to let this drop.

  “Maybe that’s because there’s a hell of a lot more on the line now. Your head is still in a fucked up place and she knows it. You have to do something to prove to her that you love her the way you say you do.” Braydon finally calms down enough that he sits next to me, throwing one arm over the back of the couch.

  “I’m not asking her to marry me, if that’s what you’re suggesting.” The time will come for that, but it’s too soon.

  “Don’t be stupid. I’m certain it’s only a matter of time before you do that, but no, nothing like that. It has to be something meaningful. What could you do that would bridge the time you were apart? Is there anything she loved doing back then that you could do for her now?”

  Braydon keeps listing off ways I can show her that I love her rather than telling her and a plan begins to form in my mind. Now, I’m torn because I don’t want him to have Jacob again tonight but I don’t want to wait to make things right with Melanie.

  “I know what I’m going to do. But I need your help again.” I sit up a little straighter, confident that this is going to be the only way to get my point across to her. I just hope I have what I need to pull this off.

  I give Braydon a quick run-down and ask him to pick up Jacob from school and meet us at Tornado this evening. Melanie promised she would call me today, so I’m going to plan everything around her keeping her word.

  Melanie called early this afternoon, apologizing for running last night. I told her it was okay, even though it’s not. I don’t want to be angry with her and I don’t want her to hold back around me. We need to rebuild the trust we used to have in one another. She agreed to meet me for dinner at six o’clock, which gives me fifteen minutes from the time Braydon and Jacob walk in until everything comes to a head, for better or worse.

  Jacob runs up to me as we approach the restaurant from opposite directions. “Daddy, daddy! Unca Braydon says we get to have a fancy dinner tonight. He said I have to behave because this isn’t a place kids get to come very much. Where’s Melly?” He looks around me for the woman he adores and my fractured heart crumbles a bit more. Now that I’ve had time to think about the words that pierced me last night, I see what she was saying. The only thing that realization does is strengthen my resolve to never let her go. We both need her in our lives.

  The hostess gives me a dirty look when she sees a five-year-old in tow. Braydon wasn’t wrong, this isn’t an establishment where families come to dine. It’s a favorite among high power businessmen and members of state government because of its proximity to the Capitol. Braydon whispers something in the young woman’s ear and her cautious smile softens.

  I open a small black box and show my brother the key component of my plan. The silver heart pendant with Melanie’s birthstone and my own. I kept it all these years as the only piece of Melanie that I would have forever. When Alyssa and I got married, I took it out of my dresser and buried it in a box of papers and mementos from college. It didn’t seem right to have it where she could find it but I still couldn’t get rid of it.

  “Is that the same one?” Braydon asks as he takes the box out of my hands. He shakes his head and I begin to think this might not be right.

  “Yeah. I just thought it’d be a way for me to show her that she was with me, even when we were apart.” I snap the box shut when Jacob reaches for it. We sit down at the table and I pull him onto my lap. I look at Braydon, who is still staring at the box which is now sitting on the table. “Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

  Braydon is quiet for a moment. The longer he sits there looking at that damned box while rubbing his chin, the more my heart starts to race. My palms are sweating and I’m tempted to snatch the necklace off the table and forget about it.

  “I think it might be the best idea you’ve had in a long time, little brother. Seriously, it’s great.” He pats me on the back and I sit a bit straighter knowing that he approves.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I see Melanie walking in. She’s even more beautiful than she was last night, wearing a long turquoise dress that flows behind her as she walks and sandals with a heel so high I’m sure we’ll be eye to eye as soon as I stand. I quickly hand the box to Braydon as I rise from my chair to meet her.

  “I thought we were meeting to talk.” She looks over my shoulder as I pull her into my arms, glancing nervously at the fact that this has turned into a family meal. I feel a bit awkward having Braydon here, but I need him next to me when I do this.

  Before I answer her, I capture Melanie’s lips in sensual kiss, my lips conveying everything I feel for her. “We are, but there’s something we need to take care of first.”

  I take her hand in mine, leading her to the table. “Melly, you came!” Jacob squeals, jumping out of his seat. I look around and see some of the other patrons glaring at us disapprovingly, but I don’t care. Tonight means as much to me as a marriage proposal would and I need those who matter in my life to be by my side. “I missed you!”

  It hasn’t even been thirty-six hours since my son last saw her and he’s acting as if it’s been months. Then again, who am I to judge when I was crawling out of my skin within hours of her leaving last night.

  “I missed you too, buddy. Did you have a good day at school?” she asks, crouching down so she’s at his level. It’s these little gestures that mean the most. No matter what words pass her lips, she’s unable to hide her feelings in her actions.

  “I did! And then, Unca Braydon picked me up and said I had to get dressed up for dinner. He said this is an adult place and, if I’m good, he’s going to take me for ice cream later!” Melanie presses her index finger to her lips, reminding Jacob to keep his voice down.

  As Jacob continues rambling about what flavor of ice cream he plans on getting after they leave, I look over the top of his head to see Xavier. He’s fidgeting, lining up his silverware so everything is perpendicular to the table and parallel to the other pieces. “Are you okay?” I mouth the words to him so Jacob doesn’t get the impression that I’m not listening to him. He nods and I turn my attention back to Jacob.

  It’s because of the distraction offered by this little boy that I don’t notice Xavier move to the seat next to me. “Jacob, could you go to your uncle for a minute? I think he has something for you.”

  My eyes dart between the two men suspiciously. They’re up to something, I can feel it. I release Jacob and he goes to sit with Braydon. The two of them begin talking as I feel Xavier’s finger brush the side of my cheek.

  “I’m sorry I pushed you too far last night,” he says softly. I open my mouth to tell him it’s okay, but he silences me. “I meant every word I said, as well as some I never got the chance to say. I never fully stopped loving you. I know I still have a lot to work through, but with your help, I know I can get there.”

  I feel a tear trickle down my cheek but I don’t move to wipe it away. Doing so would require me to let go of Xavier’s hands and I want to stay connected to him. I’m so nervous I want to throw up, but I know Tyler was right. I need to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and focus on every second that goes right.

  “Jacob, can you come here?” Xavier asks and I turn to see Jacob walking over to his father, hands behind his back. I stop breathing when I see what Jacob is hiding. I’ve seen that black velvet box before. Or at least I think I have.

  “Melanie, I told you once before that this was a symbol of my love for you,” he says, opening the box to reveal the silver pendant that never left my neck from the moment he gave it to me until the night he broke my heart. The night I betrayed his trust. “I also promised you that night that I would do everything I could to never hurt
you. I failed you then, which is why I know it’s going to be that much harder to earn your trust this time around. Melanie Elaine Erickson, you mean the world to me. You always have, even when I was too weak to fight for you. I love you.”

  I throw my arms around Xavier’s neck, bawling into the collar of his crisp, gray dress shirt. “I love you too, Xavier. Both of you. I’m sorry seems inadequate for everything that happened years ago. We both did things we can’t take back, but I promise I will do everything I can to never make you question my trust or loyalty again.”

  We’re probably causing a scene in the middle of one of Madison’s premier restaurants, but neither of us care about anyone who isn’t currently seated at our table. I start crying harder when I feel the cold metal brush against my skin. As Xavier closes the clasp behind my neck, my hand floats to the pendant. It so close to perfect, but not quite.

  “Xavier, I can’t wear this right now.” I feel Xavier’s body stiffen as soon as the words leave my mouth.

  His shoulders drop as he backs away from me, cupping my face in his hands. “Melanie, it’s yours. I’m not asking you to promise me forever right this minute. It’s a necklace, plain and simple.” His voice is frantic as he pleads with me. “Baby, I need you to know how much you mean to me. Just you and me and Jacob.”

  I bite on the corner of my lip to keep from cracking a smile. It’s almost cute to see him so close to falling apart. But I can’t let him continue when he’s freaking out about nothing. I brush his scruffy cheek with the back of my hand. “Xavier, calm down. I meant I can’t wear it because this is a symbol of what we used to be. I love that you gave it back to me, but this isn’t what we have now.”

  Xavier’s eyes grow wider and I swear I can see tears welling along the lower lids. “If you want something new, that’s fine. I don’t want you to take this one if it has too many bad memories.”