Surrendered

by LP Lovell

  I want to be able to tell him absolutely everything, but I can’t, not yet, maybe never. I’ve told him everything he needs to know, and more. He knows all about me, he doesn’t need to know about this.

  “He used to regularly beat Harry until he was unconscious. The night we left, Harry came to. Shane had beaten him so badly.” I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to focus on Theo and not the horrific memories. “But he woke up. He found out, and he took me away that night.” I skirt over the details, avoiding any questions. “He said we needed to change our names so the authorities couldn’t track us. He got some fake papers forged so that he was my legal guardian.” A small smile pulls at my lips. “When I say Harry saved me, I mean literally, in every way.”

  He drops his head so I can’t see his eyes. “Fuck Lilly. I mean, I knew there was something with you, but not this... I figured you had a drunk mother, maybe a few shitty boyfriends. How do you even move past something like that?” His eyes meet mine, and there’s this adoration in them that I’ve never seen before, not even from him.

  I shrug. “You let it define you, or you rise above it. That shit will eat you alive if you let it. I did for a while. I didn’t get to where I am now over-night. This has taken eight years…and you.”

  He frowns. “Me?”

  I smile and nod. “You make me feel Theo, and I haven’t allowed myself to feel anything, good or bad for a long time. I just wanted to be numb. You terrify me, but you thrill me at the same time.” He says nothing. His lips press together and his eyes go distant, glancing across the expanse of London spread out around us. “I…I need you to say something.” I stumble. “I need to know if this changes things.” I say with baited breath. I have thrown all caution to the wind, and risked my heart completely. I am one hundred percent committed to him, to us. If he runs now, I’m not sure I will ever recover. I don’t have enough faith to just trust him. I need to hear him say the words.

  He finally meets my eyes. His stare is so intense I struggle not to look away. “I told you, nothing you could say would change the way I feel about you Lilly.” He touches my cheek gently. “I’m just angry. I’m angry you had to go through that. The thought of anyone hurting you kills me. The thought of someone…doing that to you...” His voices breaks slightly, his expression becoming tortured. “…and at only thirteen years old…that makes me positively murderous. You should never have had to suffer that.” He brushes the hair away from my face and presses the lightest of kisses against my lips. “I would kill anyone that would cause you pain sugar.”

  I manage a small smile. He’s still here. I’ve told him my ugly and he’s still here. I feel as though I’ve been holding my breath ever since I fell in love with this man, and I can finally breathe again. He see’s me. He see’s the damaged and scarred person that I am, not just the person I’ve had to adapt into.

  He pulls me close to him, and I press my face into his broad chest as inhale his masculine scent. “What do we do now?” I mumble against his skin.

  He runs his fingers through my hair. “Now, you are going to eat some food…” I start to object. “Because if you don’t get those curves back, sugar, I may have to kick you to the curb.” He teases.

  CHAPTER TWO

  THEO

  “What do you want to eat?” I ask her when she’s sat at the breakfast bar.

  She shrugs. “Don’t mind.”

  “Pancakes?” She nods. She’s trying to ignore the big arse fucking elephant in the room, but the strain is written all over her face. Her eyes assess my every move. I turn away from her and start trying to find some ingredients. I just…I need a minute. I really need a minute alone, but I can’t walk away from her now. I need her to see that it’s fine. She needs a show of strength.

  Fuck, I don’t even know what to do or say. I’m just…I’m in shock. I feel like I’m riding some crazy roller coaster and I need to get the fuck off for a minute. I don’t even know what I feel right now. I’m mainly angry, so fucking angry. I have this irrational need to protect her, to make sure no-one can hurt her. Lilly doesn’t need protection. The woman has walked through the fires of hell and is still standing. All I can see in my mind is a young girl with no-one to protect her, left alone and vulnerable to the perversions of a fucking monster. Fuck. I clench and release my fists. I squeeze my eyes shut and count to ten. How do you handle something like this? All I know right now is that however I handle it, I need to do it in private, not in front of her. Yesterday I watched that girl break, really break for the first time since I met her. Yesterday I didn’t know about her shitty past, but now I do, and it’s no wonder she is the way she is. Hell, it explains a lot. I want to fucking kill her mother for allowing that to happen to her own kids, under her roof. I don’t know how that woman has the balls to turn up here and even speak to Lilly. I want to ask her what happened to Shane, but I’m not sure what I’ll do with that information. Right now, it’s probably best that I don’t know. I can see her falling apart, piece by piece. The mounting pressure, breaking her. In her own way, I think she needs me.

  I need to rein in my anger, remain strong. I can’t change anything, all I can do is try to fix the things that can be fixed.

  I won’t let Lilly suffer any more than she already has, and I won’t let her down. Harry has played an enormous role in her life, he’s more than her brother, he’s everything to her. As long as she has him, she will remain strong, but without him… Fuck, if he goes to prison, what will happen to her?

  “Why did you never tell me Lilly?” I ask, turning around. She’s staring at a spot on the breakfast bar.

  There’s a long pause before she answers. “There were times when I wanted to. I tried to. How many times have I told you I’m broken?” She still doesn’t look at me.

  I tilt my head. “Lilly…”

  She cuts me off. “I didn’t tell you because it’s horrible.” She says bluntly.

  “It’s your past Lilly. It doesn’t matter what it is, it’s part of you.”

  She sighs and looks up at me from under her lashes. “I’m tainted Theo, damaged goods in every possible way. That’s not something that you willingly share with someone you love. You make me feel strong, unsullied, beautiful. I didn’t want you to see how much I am none of those things.” Shit.

  “Lilly, you are all of those things and more. This doesn’t change that, in fact it just confirms it. To have gone through all that you have, and still be as strong as you are…it’s amazing. I’m in awe of you.”

  She dips her head and says nothing. She is so strong, so impenetrable, and yet there have always been those fine cracks in her steel armour. I’ve always known they were there. Her actions highlighted them, and yet I never saw the cause of it.

  I feel like an idiot. All the times that she ran, the court case, her reactions…it was all there. If I’d looked harder I might have seen it. Am I so wrapped up in myself that I didn’t care to look? The situation with her mum. It was so obvious, and yet I paid the woman off and sent her on her merry way, no questions asked. If her mum knew about the abuse why would she come back?

  “Lilly, did your mum know what was going on?” I ask. I can’t leave this. I paid the woman to leave, not knowing any of this. I certainly wouldn’t have been giving her money had I known. And to top it all off, she fucking gets Harry arrested. She has a hell of a lot to answer for.

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. She knew he hit us.” She bites her lip. “She would apologise to us.” Her eyes go distant. “For the brief moments she wasn’t trashed, she would seem like this okay person, you know? As a kid, I always loved her. She was my mum. The few times when she was with it, she would brush my hair, and tell me stories. For the sake of those memories, I prefer to think that she didn’t know. Harry didn’t know, and he was looking out for me.” She drops her eyes. She looks embarrassed. “I know that’s stupid right? I mean, what kind of person takes regular beatings, and knows that her kids are getting the same treatment, but stays anyway?”
I watch as a spark of age old anger reaches her eyes. Anger and resentment.

  I know, because I felt a similar resentment toward my own mother. Her failings pale in comparison to Lilly’s mother, but the feeling of rejection is the same. I remember seeing a therapist when I was eighteen. I beat the shit out of a kid at college, again. The only way that they wouldn’t press charges is if I saw a therapist. I thought it was a load of bollocks at the time, but what the guy said turned out to help me a lot. He told me that there is no greater pain than the rejection of a parent. He said that it was the ultimate heartbreak, the most brutal betrayal, and that people who experience it, will often never really know real heartbreak in relationships, because no rejection will ever be as painful. That was true, until Lilly. I went through life feeling nothing, and caring for no-one. It hardened me in a way that made me emotionally invincible. Until Lilly.

  “It’s okay to be angry Lilly, and you shouldn’t be ashamed because you once loved her. Children love their parents, that’s normal. What is not normal, is for a woman to just check out and leave her kids in the hands of a fucking psycho.”

  She twists her fingers together in front of her on the breakfast bar. “She’s weak.” She says in a small voice. “She always has been. Weakness is poison.”

  “Weakness is human, Lilly.” I say quietly. She hates weakness. It’s like she has to be strong all the time, even in front of me.

  She raises her head, and those wide green eyes meet mine. “When you have children, weakness is something you cannot afford.” She purses her lips. “If you aren’t prepared for that, then you shouldn’t have them.” She says in an icy tone.

  “So, she didn’t even come looking for you?” I ask tentatively, moving away from the obvious subject.

  She shrugs nonchalantly. “She was probably trashed for a week before she even noticed either of us were gone.” God, that’s so sad. “She doesn’t give a fuck about anything except her next drink. Even when she did find us, all she cared about was the money, clearly.” She’s right. The woman obviously has no shame.

  “I wish I’d known all this Lilly. There is no way I would have paid her off. I’d have her dealt with her in an entirely different way.” I murmur.

  “I’m not going to drag you into my shit, Theo.” She huffs.

  My eyes snap to hers. “Are you fucking serious? After everything, you are now going to tell me that you don’t want to drag me into your shit.” I laugh humourlessly. “Sugar, we are knee fucking deep in each others shit, and that’s exactly how I want it.”

  A small smile pulls at her lips, and she tilts her head to the side. “Really?”

  I move around the breakfast bar until I can reach out and touch her perfect face. “I don’t know how you fucking do it sugar.”

  “Do what?” She asks quietly.

  “Function. Keep going. Not only endure, but thrive from the worst situation.” She pulls me closer until I’m stood between her legs. She winds her arms around me, pressing her face into my chest.

  “The world can be a shitty place. The best you can hope for, is that someone will hold your hand whilst you walk through it.” She mumbles into my chest. Fuck, I love this woman. I think I’d be suicidal at the cruelty of it all.

  “I love you sugar.” I tell her.

  “I love you.” She pulls away and tilts her head back, flashing me a small smile. She places her hands on my chest and pushes me away. “Now go make me pancakes.” She barks.

  “You’re such high maintenance.” I grumble.

  “I am not!” I can’t help but smile. I don’t really know what just happened, but I know it was huge. She let me in.

  I open the fridge and grab some eggs. I hope I have flour. I don’t do the food shopping, and I can’t imagine Maria buying flour for me - although she does make cakes for me sometimes. I know, best house keeper ever. Aha, and there is flour.

  “Do you even know how to make pancakes?” She asks.

  I turn around and look at her. “I’m offended.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Now this, I have to see.”

  I manage to get her to eat two pancakes, which feels like a small victory.

  She puts her fork down and checks her watch. “I have to go.” She sighs. “The police are still waiting on a statement from me. I said I’d go down to the station this afternoon.”

  I nod. “Do you know what you are going to say?”

  Her eyes meet mine, her usual tenacity shining through. “Whatever I have to say to get him out.”

  I don’t disagree. He’s her brother, and I know she will do and say whatever she needs to. That said, I’m worried that she’s not looking at the bigger picture here. If she goes into that station and tells them what she just told me, the likelihood is that they will deem this as mitigating circumstances and release Harry. However, it wouldn’t take much for the press to get wind of this. They would have a fucking field day with this. I can’t let that happen to her.

  “Look, I think that for now you should say as little as possible, see how this plays out. They haven’t got anything to hold him on anyway.”

  She frowns. “If it were me in there, he’d do everything.”

  “Do you really think he would want you to do this?” I counter. She doesn’t respond, because she knows I’m right. “I’ll speak to Claudia. She’ll go with you. She can advise you.” Claudia will control the situation, and make sure Lilly doesn’t throw herself on the fire to save her brother.

  She shakes her head. “No, you don’t have to do that. I know how much money that woman charges per hour. It’s enough to make me move into criminal law.” She mumbles.

  “Lilly, I swear to god, if you start quibbling about money right now…”

  She rolls her eyes. “Okay, okay. Thank you.” She hops down off the breakfast stool, smoothing her skirt down. I spin on my stool to face her. She chews on her thumb nail nervously. I grab her wrist, pulling her hand away, and using it to pull her to me. Her body fits perfectly between my thighs.

  I cup her face in both hands. “It will be fine sugar. Just listen to Claudia, and I promise I will get Harry out. Okay?” She nods mutely. I lean forward and place a kiss on her forehead. “Will you be coming back here later?”

  “Yeah, we should probably talk about…shit.”

  I smile at her oh so eloquent speech. “We should. Go. I’ll be here when you get back.” I reach across the breakfast bar and pick up the keys to the Range Rover. “Take the car.”

  “Thanks.” She flashes me a small smile, before turning away from me.

  “And Lilly…” She glances over her shoulder. “I love you.”

  She smiles and walks away without a response. Although really, there’s none needed. I don’t need words from her to know how she feels. I watch her sashay across to the top of the stairs, her heels tapping loudly against the wood floor. That pencil skirt hugs her in all the right places. Even with less arse to fill it, she still looks incredible.

  I pick up my phone and find Claudia’s number.

  “Claudia Weston.” She barks down the line.

  “Claudia, it’s Theo.”

  Her tone instantly changes. “Ah, Theo darling. How are you?” I’ve known Claudia a long time. She has gotten me out of more shit than you would believe. She’s the only woman who could pass off a blatant beat down as self-defence. What can I say? Hugo and I used to get into a lot of bar fights. Call it the posh boy complex if you like.

  “I’m good. Listen, Lilly is going to the police station to talk to them, can you get down there?” I ask.

  “I can be there in an hour.” She says.

  “Okay, there are some things you need to know before you do…”

  CHAPTER THREE

  LILLY

  I meet Claudia outside the police station. Her tiny frame steps out of a big Mercedes saloon car. The woman is all of five foot tall, but she’s bloody scary. She strides towards me purposefully.

  “Theo called me. Gave me a brief run down on t
he child abuse thing.” She barks and waves her hand dismissively. I can feel my eyes go wide. I barely know this woman. What the fuck has he told her?! “Oh, shush dear. I just need to know what I have to work with. We won’t use that one unless we have to. So, what’s the story?” She asks as she pulls a packet of cigarettes from her handbag. She stands next to me as we both lean against the Range Rover.

  It takes me a moment to find my voice. She’s so abrupt. It irks me to know that she knows things about me, but I it’s all to help Harry. “I think I’m just going to tell them my mother was an alcoholic. They won’t have enough evidence or cause to hold him. He’ll at least get bail until the trial. We can work out the finer details then.” I’ve thought about this, I’d rather not talk to a room full of strangers about my past, but I would do it without a second thought if I thought it would get my brother out. I don’t want to get into it, as the police are bound to look into it - a potential paedophile ring is not something that they will just over look. If they look into Shaun, then they are going to try and find Shaun… I can’t do anything that will arouse suspicion in that direction. It’s too risky.

  If I tell them my mother was an alcoholic and that’s why we ran it’s giving them something, but not enough that they will dig. My mother apparently can’t be found, so essentially I can say whatever I like to implicate her. Fuck. I need more time, and I need to talk to Harry. They won’t let me see him until they’ve interviewed me. I don’t know what he’s already said. I know he wouldn’t say anything about Shaun. Harry is nothing if not predictable, especially when it comes to me. I love my brother, but he is ridiculously over-protective. He’ll always take the hit for me, and now he’s in this mess because of it. I just want him out. I need him. This all feels like some sick and twisted joke. It always seems like the good people are the ones who come off worst. Harry is good to the core. There are few who are more selfless and kind than my brother.