by LP Lovell
“You keep telling yourself that sugar.” I gesture to my crotch. “We both know you just want what’s in my pants.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her and she laughs, throwing her head back.
“Okay, stop, before you start doing a show and tell.”
“Later.” I wave her off. “Anyway, I was thinking that we should do something this weekend.” I say as I unwrap the god of all sandwiches.
“Like what?” She eyes me suspiciously.
“Not a show and tell.” I sigh.
Her eyes dance with amusement. “Hmm, shame.” She picks a piece of her sandwich off and pops it in her mouth.
“Don’t tease sugar.” I point at her.
“Mr. Ellis, are you proposing a date, like a real date?”
“Uh, yes?” Fuck knows. I wouldn’t know. I take a bite of my sandwich. So bloody good.
“Wow, who knew you had it in you?”
“Um, excuse me. If you remember rightly, I wanted to take you to dinner after our first fuck, and you refused me.” I tell her.
“Well of course. I only wanted in your pants.” She says with a sexy tilt of her lips.
“And now?” I ask.
“Now, I suppose we could go on a date. What do you want to do?”
I have no clue. “I’ll surprise you.”
She narrows her eyes. “I swear to god, if I end up in a strip bar…”
“Hey, give me some credit. I’m not Hugo.” I say offended.
“Thank god.” She mumbles. “Have you heard about his latest fuck up?”
I shake my head. “He has so many on a daily basis I couldn’t possibly keep up.”
“Well, he’s been fucking Molly…”
I nod my head and smile. “Yeah, I didn’t miss that one babe.”
“I have no idea what is going on, but apparently he invited her over the other night and when she got there, he had a hooker tied to his bed whilst he fucked her.” She says with disgust. “I mean, who does that?”
I shrug. “It’s Hugo. Who knows why he does anything? Anyway, I thought they were just fucking?” I frown.
She shrugs. “I think it got…complicated.”
“Babe, Hugo isn’t me. I will hold my hands up and admit I was a slut, but Hugo…”
“Hugo redefines the word.”
“That is never going to be anything more than a convenient fuck that he doesn’t have to pay for. I love Hugo, but Molly can do so much better.” I say resolutely.
“Oh, I know that, but Molly was clearly way more into it than she let on.”
“She called your phone on Friday night. She was upset…”
She nods. “Yeah. She’s fine now though. My girl knows better than to get hung up on an aids riddled dog like Hugo.” She says haughtily.
I snort. “Babe, your insults are pure gold.”
I don’t know why I let Lilly talk me into this. To say I’m uncomfortable is a serious fucking understatement. Things have just settled down, and now she wants to stir up a different shit storm. The last person in the fucking world I want to see right now is Cassie.
Lilly thinks that a kid needs it’s mother. No-one needs a junkie stripper for a mum. I suppose there’s this stupid fucking part of me that really hoped that Lilly would grow attached to the child, my child. Maybe that’s ridiculous. I can’t even voice it to her. I’m so afraid that she won’t want that, and in light of the fact that she can’t have kids, it may just be cruel. She’s been pestering me non-stop about it, so I finally told her my thoughts on it. The thoughts I was afraid to voice, for fear of hurting her or pushing her away. She knows I want custody now, what she doesn’t know is that I don’t want Cassie anywhere near that kid, or our lives. I’ve already had Claudia look into drawing up papers that will essentially give me immediate custody until a custody hearing can take place. Given her drug issues, it shouldn’t be difficult to obtain. She has no money, no job, no home and she’s a junkie stripper. What court is going to award her custody? I feel like I’m walking this desperately thin line, trying to do what’s best for everyone, but whichever way I jump, I risk fucking up. Fuck, I’m in such unchartered territory. I rarely feel out of my depth, even in the most impossible situations, but I’m barely treading water here.
Lilly takes my hand, leading me through the halls of the rehab centre. This place looks more like a modern hotel than a treatment facility.
She keeps glancing at me as though I may bolt. I want to, believe me. I have no interest in talking to that woman. She almost destroyed everything for me.
We’re shown to a room, which again, looks like a hotel room. Cassie is sat on a chair in the corner, typing on a laptop in front of her. She has a small bump showing through her t-shirt. She looks better than the last time I saw her. She’s put on weight, and just looks generally healthier.
“Hey Cassie.” Lilly greets her as if they’re old friends. Cassie regards me carefully, her eyes skating over me, and locking onto mine and Lilly’s entwined hands.
“Hey.” She says quietly.
“I brought Theo. I thought you two should probably talk.” About what? I slam the lid on my temper. I’m here for Lilly. She wants this. Fuck knows why. She’s one of the most explosive people I know, and yet this is where she has chosen to be tolerant. Figures.
Cassie gets up and moves to a sofa near the window. Lilly pulls a couple of chairs over and we both sit facing her.
“I hear you’re being released tomorrow.” Lilly beams at her. Cassie’s eyes never move from me, even as Lilly talks to her. I shift, laying my arm across the back of Lilly’s chair, my fingers just grazing her arm. Her eyes zero in on the movement.
She eventually nods. “Yeah, I’m going to a safe house, where I can be independent, but have support.”
“That’s great.” Lilly encourages. I glance sideways at her. I swear I’ve never heard her use that tone of voice, ever. “You guys need to discuss what’s going to happen now…”
I say nothing and she elbows me in the ribs. I clear my throat. “Uh, yeah.” Lilly releases an exasperated sigh next to me.
“Maybe I should leave…” She says. I grab her shoulder, pinning her in her chair.
“No, you should stay.” Her eyes meet mine quickly as I try to silently beg her not to leave me.
She rolls her eyes. “You need help Cassie, and Theo is willing to provide that, aren’t you Theo?”
I nod. “Whatever you need. You can use my doctors, and I have a spare flat near where Lilly lives. I’ve already issued the tenants with their notice. They’ll be out by the end of the month.” Lilly and I discussed this earlier, and as you can imagine, these are all her suggestions. She thinks that Cassie would be better off with her near by. I hate that she is friendly with Cassie, only because I worry that it’s difficult for her, in fact I know it’s difficult for her. Our lives are hardly straight forward, but the way that I feel about Lilly is like some bullshit story out of a book. Somehow, amongst all the shit, we have perfection…except for Cassie. She’s like a stain on this chaotic perfection that we’ve created, and I resent her for that. I will admit that. She is an inconvenience to my life. Equally, she was a mistake that I made, and now have to deal with, for the rest of my life. In that sense, I am so grateful to Lilly. Her willingness to help Cassie just shows what an amazing person she is, and this makes me feel even more guilt for causing her any hurt.
Cassie avoids eye contact with either of us. “Thank you. Could you please leave now.” She whispers.
I glance at Lilly who looks hurt by Cassie’s words. “Cassie, Lilly is just trying…” Lilly puts her hand over mine, which is still resting on her shoulder. She glances at me and shakes her head.
“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll come and pick you up okay.” Lilly says in that soothing voice of hers. I have a fraction of her patience, and a bitterness toward Cassie that I can’t seem to shift.
Lilly is concerned about my attitude toward the child. I have no issue having a child. In fact, in a strange w
ay, I’ve become quite fond of the idea. It’s just Cassie I have a problem with. If I can get custody of the baby, then Cassie need never be in our lives. Lilly will be ten times the mother that Cassie could ever hope to be. We can have our twisted version of perfection.
We walk to the car in silence. Lilly squeezes my hand, clearly sensing how uncomfortable I am right now. What the fuck is going on? My girlfriend is more okay with my knocked-up one night stand than I am.
“I’m sorry.” I tell her when we get in the car.
She tilts her head to the side with a small quirk of her lips. “What for?”
I release a breath and lean my head back against the head rest. I grip the steering wheel tight. “I just can’t deal with her, Lilly.”
There’s a long beat of silence before she responds. “She’s having your child, Theo, you have to deal with her.”
I shake my head. “I can’t watch you deal with her. It kills me to know what it must do to you. I just…”
She reaches out and touches my arm, drawing my eyes to her. She has a soft smile on her lips. “It does nothing to me, Theo. Honestly. I know beyond all doubt how much you love me. I know that what happened with Cassie was a drunken fumble.” She sighs, and her smiles fades. “And I know that I can never give you a child. You need to embrace this opportunity, because if you stay with me, then you will never get it again.”
“Lilly, never say never. Remember, there is nothing I would not do to make you happy. No amount of money I wouldn’t spend. If you wanted a child, I would make it happen.”
“I know.” She whispers. “But, that doesn’t mean you can walk away from this child.”
I shake my head. “I would never leave my child, you know that. It’s not the baby I have issues with, it’s Cassie.”
“She’s the mother Theo…”
“What is a mother Lilly?” I ask bluntly. She shrugs, dropping her eyes and hands to her lap. “Sugar look at me.” She does, and there’s an uncertainty about her that I’ve rarely seen.
“I wouldn’t know.” Her voice is sad.
“You do though, because you know what a mother shouldn’t be.” I prompt.
“Someone who makes you feel safe.” She says quietly. “Someone who would defend you with their own life, and love you as no other can or ever will.” I smile, because she has such a pure heart for someone who has endured so much.
“Cassie can barely defend herself. She’ll be lucky if social services don’t take that baby away the second it’s born.” The rehab centre will have reported her as a high-risk mother the second she walked through the door. “I can let that kid go into their custody or I can take custody.”
The silence in the small space of the car could be cut with a knife. “You want me to be a mother to your child.” Her small voice sounds lost.
I shake my head. “No, I would never put that responsibility on you, but it would make me so happy if you could accept the child.”
“Theo, do you have any idea about babies?” She asks.
I shrug. “I’ll just hire a nanny.”
She leans back in her seat and presses her palm to her forehead. “When I agreed to stand by you, I accepted that you would have a child. I accepted that it would be part of our lives. I think cutting Cassie out is a big mistake.”
“You will make a better mother than she ever will.” I blurt. Lilly’s face freezes, her features losing colour.
“But I won’t ever be that baby’s mother.” She says.
“I just asked you, what is a mother? At what point did a genetic contribution come into anything?” I ask. “Mike has been more of a parent to me and Cat than our mother ever was. And you are a better, stronger, more loving person than Cassie can ever be.”
“Theo, you don’t know Cassie. You can’t possibly say that.”
“She took fucking drugs while she was pregnant Lilly!” I snap. Shit, I need to get a handle on my temper. I can’t force Lilly into this, I just need to make her see. Make her see what though? That she could raise another woman’s child? Fuck. She did not sign up for this. Hell, I didn’t fucking sign up for this! I have no idea what I’m asking of her. I guess in this sick and twisted situation, I’m looking for the best possible outcome. I want this unconventional little family to be just that, a family. Holy shit, it’s like someone cut off my balls. I, Theodore Ellis am talking about kids and family. Who would ever have fucking thought?!
Lilly watches me for a long while, her expression blank. “She made a mistake…”
“She made a choice. She made a choice to keep that baby, and she made a choice to take those drugs, thus endangering the child whose life she made a commitment to.”
“She is alone, Theo. She has no-one. People do desperate things when they feel desperate. She needs you to support her.” She purses her lips. “She thought you would support her.”
“Why the fuck would she think that? She’s lucky I’m not an arsehole. There are plenty of guys in my position who would have just told her to fuck off…”
“She is in love with you!” She shouts.
“She’s fucking deluded!” I dig my heals in. No fucking way am I feeling sorry for her.
She rolls her eyes. “She may be deluded, but she thinks she is in love with you. When you rejected her, it sent her over the edge, and she turned to the only thing she can rely on to make her feel better, drugs.”
“Do not pretend for a second that you think that’s justified. I know you. I know you were probably chewing her out for it.”
She scowls at me. “Yes, I did, and no, there is no justification for it. What I am saying is that if you supported her, it may not have come to that.” She snaps.
“So now it’s my fault she’s a druggie whore?”
“Of course not. Oh my god, you are fucking exasperating!”
“So, can we agree to disagree?” I say smugly.
“I’m going to have to bring up that bloody kid at this rate. You are clearly not adult enough to do it.” She grates. I take that statement as a positive.
I start the car, feeling like a winner, even if she did insinuate that I’m a child.
I have to stop at Hugo’s on the way home and drop off the key for the apartment in Monaco. He gave it to me in case we wanted to stay there, but well, I wouldn’t want Lilly to have to sleep on his come sponge mattresses. I’m hoping he hasn’t got any naked women there at this time on a Sunday.
“You might as well come up babe. Hugo tends to chat.” I tell Lilly. Hugo always has gossip, which he insists on telling me whether I want to hear it or not. By that, I mean he likes to list this weeks conquests, including a blow by blow of exactly what rating he would give them.
Lilly begrudgingly comes with me. I take my key out of my pocket. “Wait, aren’t you going to knock?” She hisses.
“No. Trust me, when it comes to Hugo it’s pointless. The important people have keys. That would be me and there was a girl called Tiffany who had one for a while.”
“Wait. Hugo gave his key to a girl?!” Well, when she says it like that it sounds ridiculous.
I laugh. “She was his favourite hooker.”
She rolls her eyes. “Figures.” She mumbles.
I push the key into the lock and pause. “Two things. Firstly, don’t be alarmed by what you may see in here. It’s a Sunday, it will be rough. Secondly, don’t bring up the Molly thing…please?” I eye her seriously.
“Believe me, the last thing I want to talk to Hugo about, is how he used my best friend as a human deposit box.” She grumbles.
I cough to cover my laughter. “Yep, that would do it. Thirdly, Hugo has a no clothes rule in his house.” She cocks an eyebrow. “Lets remind ourselves that the women who come here are…easy.”
She snorts. “You think.”
“Anyway, Hugo might be naked. There is no point in telling him to get dressed because he won’t. Show no fear.” I grasp her shoulder, attempting to keep a straight face.
“I think I might hurl.” S
he says. “In fact, why don’t I just wait in the car after all?”
I laugh. “Nope, I have some business stuff I need to talk to him about. I’m not leaving you in the car.”
“You’d rather I become scarred by Hugo’s wang?”
I fight the smile trying desperately to pull at my lips. “Hey, he’s entertaining if nothing else.”
She sighs. “Okay.”
I turn the key and cringe at what may be lurking behind the door. Okay, no bodies in the hallway. I turn the corner into the front room. It’s clean, there are no piles of vomit in the corner, no underwear hanging from the fixtures.
“Ah, hey dude.” Hugo calls from the sofa. He’s led on his back, wearing just his boxers, reading…is that a girly magazine? In between his knees is Gary, on his back, snoring like a bloody chainsaw. His back legs are splayed out and his monumentally big balls are in full view.
“Ah, he’s so cute.” Lilly coo’s at the dog.
Hugo lowers the magazine and grins. “Thanks sweetness, you can pet me if you like.” He thrusts his crotch upwards.
“Uh, I’d rather pour bleach in my eyes, but thanks.” She replies.
She perches on the end of the sofa and Gary drags his fat lazy arse over to her. She rubs under his upturned chin and the fucker laps it up. He grunts and rolls over, dragging himself onto her lap. Fuck, that dog is ugly. Son of a bitch looks at me with a smug as shit expression on his face as Lilly hugs him. He’s practically getting to motorboat her.
I turn back to Hugo who shrugs. “Gary’s got skills. Ladies fucking love him.
“Why? He’s gross.”
“Oh, you are not. You’re just a bit ugly.” Lilly defends him. The dog starts panting like some dirty old man. “Babe, you should know that the reason he has that dog is because his mate’s missus couldn’t cope with him dribbling everywhere.”
“It’s just a bit of spit, isn’t it?” She’s talking to the dog. What, am I suddenly invisible?
I smile. “It wasn’t that kind of dribble.” I raise my eyebrows. She glances up at me. I wait for her to realise what I mean and shove him off but she doesn’t.
“Well, this place is like fucking spunk central. Not like a little extra is going to hurt.” She says bluntly. Hugo barks out a laugh.
