bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug

by Sam Cheever

  Others believed, as the name Escendo implies, that the climate of the area will reverse and become tropical. It was easy to see why the greens would want the latter outcome. But I suspected the Grinch was interested purely in squelching everybody’s good time.

  That would explain why temperatures have been changing, I told Glynus.

  We have noticed too. Though it is still painfully cold, at this time of year the cold is usually deadly. Each day that Santa is missing and Christmas is in danger grows the prophecy’s tendrils exponentially. It is one of the most quickly growing prophecies we have.

  Then I guess we need to stop it. I grinned at Glynus as she turned her head and showed me her teeth. Reaching down, I rubbed my dragon’s broad, glistening black shoulder in her special place and she wriggled happily, giggling in my mind. No matter how big, how old, or how elegant Glynus got, I knew she would always be my tadpole. It had been too long since Glynus and I had fought a worthy battle together. I had to admit I was looking forward to it.

  Shall we go kick some Grinch ass, Mother halfling?

  Spencer’s massive, white head came up and he fixed us with a bright green gaze, bobbing his head in the affirmative.

  I smiled at him. Spencer?

  Yes, Mother halfling. His voice was very deep, with just the tiniest bit of squeakiness at the end that told me he was still growing.

  I laughed. I hadn’t known Glynus was sharing our mental path with her future mate. That was the moment I realized my baby girl had grown up...and that she was happy with her mate. Soon she’d be an old married dragon.

  But she’d still giggle when I rubbed her shoulder.

  Welcome to the family, Spence. We’re strange and a little on the cranky side...

  Glynus snorted. Wait until you meet auntie Myra. She told him.

  —but we stick together and take care of each other.

  His grin showed massive teeth so white they made me blink. Thank you, Mother halfling. I am honored to mate with Glynus. She is the most beautiful and brilliant creature I’ve ever met.

  Glynus snorted, but I could feel her pleasure in my mind.

  I’d been watching green army in the distance grow larger as we approached. I hated to ruin the greeting card moment with harsh realities, but it appeared the greens would arrive within the next several moments. And from what I could see there were lots of them.

  I looked at Ralphy. “How many greens did you let escape before Glynus and I showed up last year?”

  He looked sheepish. “Only a few dozen families.”

  I glared at him. “You lied to me! You get a lump of coal this year, elf.”

  A year ago, in Hell, Ralphy had told me that the process was very slow going and he’d only managed to move a few through the hole he’d created into the North Pole.

  He squelched the quick guilt flooding his gaze and glared right back at me. “How was I supposed to know you hadn’t come to stop me? I was trying to save as many as I could. I didn’t want you using your connections to drag them all back.”

  “COAL, Elf!”

  His thin, rodent lip curled and, for a moment he seemed to forget he was riding a dragon. He reached a clenched fist in my direction and I felt power gathering in my hands. One power induced flick...only one...and he’d be sailing out over the winter wasteland below. I’d make sure he landed in a big pile of snow.

  He’d live. But he’d have wet undies and multiple bruises.

  Um...Mother halfling?

  Ralphy and I continued to glare at each other. It would be fun to watch him trek it back across the snow with urine icicles in his panties.

  Dragon fighter?

  I sighed, allowing the pleasant visual to fade. Yes, tadpole?

  It appears the green dragons aren’t all we need to worry about.

  I turned my gaze in the direction she was looking. The Grinch’s mountain cave.

  The Grinch still stood there, his pointed green face folded into a nasty scowl and his ridiculously curled foot bouncing angrily against the snowy outcropping. But he was no longer alone on that ridge. At least a dozen massive, furry, white shapes with claws as long as my fingers stood on either side of him, their beady blue eyes sparking with aggression as they watched us approach. “Abominable snow monsters?” I really hated when my voice did that screechy thing. Unlike Spencer, I didn’t have adolescence to blame for the pitch.

  I guess the Grinch plans to put up a fight. Spencer added helpfully.

  “Are those abominables?” Ralphy screeched.

  “Frunk me to Hades,” I murmured. Abominables were the nastiest creatures at the Pole. In fact, they might be the nastiest creatures anywhere. They were like the cockroach of frigid temps, nearly impossible to kill. One would be a real problem. Dozens of them were a horrifying prospect.

  I sighed, shuffling my mental drawers. Dialle?

  Yes, my love.

  I think I’m gonna need some help.

  ~SC~

  Ralphy used a strange looking red and green satellite phone to call the workshop for recruits, though the idea of a bunch of elves fighting the abominable snow monsters made me chuckle. I figured they could at least run around and distract the monsters while I blasted them.

  Glynus and Spencer did a flyby of the ridge and I counted the abominables. There were a dozen.

  Frunkin’ ice.

  So exactly how do you kill these guys? I asked Glynus.

  According to Spencer, the elves once told him the abominables are like vampires. If you don’t cut off their heads they regenerate. And they do it so fast you won’t even see it happen.

  I grimaced. The idea of lopping off the heads of a dozen snow monsters the day before Christmas just didn’t appeal.

  “What are we gonna do?” Ralphy asked in a squeaky, alarm ridden voice.

  “Glynus says we have to cut off their heads.”

  Ralphy’s face suddenly matched his green outfit. “Gross.”

  I nodded. That’s gonna be really messy, said I, the new queen of understatement. I’m not sure I’m up for that.

  Glynus’ long elegant form tilted and her wings undulated on the air, turning us for another pass of the ridge. We were basically just keeping an eye on things until help arrived. There is one other way. She sounded unsure.

  I was ready for anything. Tell me.

  We could bust out their teeth.

  I snorted. Like the ancient human cartoon, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

  Glynus nodded.

  You’re joking right? You believe that shit?

  I do. Because it’s true. Human mythology and superstition are based on truth. Humans just don’t believe those truths, much to their chagrin. Glynus’ massive head rolled from side to side in a head shake. The one thing abominables can’t grow back is their teeth. And without their teeth they become frightened and docile.

  I grinned. Just like in the movie?

  Yes.

  Frunkin’ ice! Are you telling me abominables are cranky because they have toothaches?

  Glynus snorted thick gray smoke. That’s just stupid, Mother halfling.

  The air behind me shimmered and solidified, until a long, firmly muscled form draped against my back and legs. “Hello, my love.”

  Warm lips trailed down the side of my neck and I shivered. “Dialle.”

  “In the flesh.”

  And what incredible flesh it was. “I think we have a plan.”

  The kisses trailed back upward, stopping as he sucked an earlobe into the heated moisture of his mouth. His hands skimmed beneath the hem of the massive, caterpillar sleeved shirt and found the bunched fabric of my giant panties, tugging on them. “Do we have time to step into one of those caves and explore the advantages of giant panties first?”

  My head dropped back to a firm shoulder and I sighed, wishing we did. “There’s an army of greens coming this way and we have to defang a dozen abominables and rescue Santa to save Christmas.”

  Dialle groaned against my throat, his hot tongue
came out to lave across the daemon hickey he’d given me to ensure our mating. My whole body trembled with need. I tightened my thighs against the sensual assault and grabbed his hand, dragging it reluctantly away. “But hold that thought. I have a Christmas present for you later.”

  “Does it involve massive yards of pink cotton fabric?”

  I turned to stare into his gorgeous black eyes and grinned. “Maybe.”

  His long hair was tied back in a leather tie, but strands of it had broken free to frame a square, golden jaw. The silky strands touched my cheek as he nodded. “I cannot wait, my queen.”

  A series of pops nearby brought my gaze around and I lifted my head from Dialle’s shoulder. The air around us was quickly filling with white dragons, all focusing jewel colored green to blue eyes on their prince.

  Spencer began giving instructions in a series of growls, roars, and barks that represented a language I didn’t begin to understand.

  My mental drawers shifted and Glynus translated for me. He tells them they will fly hard to cut off the green invaders. He will lead them, and if the greens won’t listen to reason he has instructed his soldiers to kill every last one.

  I nodded. The greens were much larger than the slim bodied, elegant whites, but they couldn’t match the whites for cunning and deadliness. I’d seen the two races fight before and it was almost unfair how easily the whites outmaneuvered the dense and clunky greens.

  Hopefully the greens will see the error of their ways and surrender.

  They must. Snoopy and his parents are outraged by the greens’ usurpation of our lands as it is. They have no manners at all and recognize no authority but their own.

  They did come from Hell.

  Yes. And they act like it. But Snoopy and I have a plan for bringing them under Queen Forvar’s wing, so to speak.

  Pride swelled in my breast. I’d always known Glynus would make a good queen, but seeing her take the reins at the North Pole just affirmed that I’d been right.

  The air suddenly sang with the clear, cheerful tone of jingle bells. Several large sleighs, filled to the brim with stupid, pointy hats and the elves that wore them, were approaching at a good clip from the direction of Santa’s workshop.

  I turned my head and kissed Dialle on the lips. “Ready to kick some abominables in the teeth?”

  Dialle grinned. “It is generally the other end you are aiming for, my love, but I support you in this as in all things.”

  I snorted. “You are so full of shit, Dialle.”

  He simply nodded as if I’d told him he had golden skin and preferred black leather.

  Suddenly we were locked in the sphere without movement or sound. When we landed, Dialle was standing next to me and we were looking at a furry wall of white a few feet away. They had their backs to us and hadn’t noticed our arrival yet.

  A few, stubby white tails twitched in anticipation of the coming battle.

  Dialle had a sword in one hand and his power burbling around him in a purple aura.

  I pulled my power forward and focused it into a narrow beam.

  We waited for the right moment, when the elves would be there to distract the monsters as we carefully picked them off, one molar at a time.

  I doubted Dialle and I would survive if they all attacked us at once.

  In the distance the sound of roaring and outraged screams, as the battle was engaged, told me the greens hadn’t done the right thing and surrendered.

  I sighed.

  Then I jumped as a war whoop, provided in a tinny voice, split the air, and Bob the elf dropped from the sky onto an abominable’s head.

  Another green and red rodent followed suit, and then it seemed to be raining elves. Each of them held a large pair of pliers in a fat, stumpy hand.

  Apparently they’d had the same idea we had. But it would take them all day to remove the rows of sharp, white teeth with pliers. I had a better idea.

  “Hey ugly!” The abominable nearest me swiveled its massive head, its wide, blue eyes narrowing as it spotted Dialle and me.

  “Good luck, my love!” Dialle murmured as he launched himself at another, charging monster.

  I went down under what felt like a ton of fur and blubber, and quickly found myself squashed to the ground under an abominable.

  Massive and fat they might be, but they were frunkin’ fast!

  CHAPTER 4

  The creature smelled like rotten fish and other, less pleasant things. I shoved at its broad, matted chest as hard as I could and turned my head from side to side to avoid the huge, snapping teeth.

  Pain sluiced through me as the thing’s claws scraped down my shoulder. I kicked hard, sending power into my flailing limbs, in an attempt to shove the thousand pound monster off my body.

  Need help, my love?

  I jammed my hand under the creature’s jaw and sent full power into it, shattering the bone beneath my fingers and sending bits of tooth flying.

  I closed my eyes and turned my head, but I was too close and felt my skin being pierced by flying molars none-the-less. I’ve got this under control, Dialle.

  His chuckle in my mind made me growl. The massive, white teddy bear lying across my legs was already healing his jaw, but his beady, black eyes were filled with surprise as his massive paw felt around in his mouth looking the missing enamel.

  I dragged my legs out from under the snow monster and ducked as another tire-sized paw swiped toward my head.

  I’d coiled power in my fingers to de-tooth the slightly smaller female stomping toward me across the blood spattered snow, when a wall of white spun past me with an elf on each shoulder. The elves worked their pliers like pros, extracting teeth at a mind boggling rate and flinging them over their shoulders into the snow mounds surrounding the ridge.

  I ducked a bloody canine tooth that was as long as my middle finger and groaned as the female took advantage of my distraction to pick me up and hold me ten feet in the air over her head. She roared, sending putrid breath in a gust into my face, her massive paws squeezing the air out of my lungs.

  I blinked, struggling to breathe, and tried to gather power as stars burst before my eyes. My devil came out in a big way and I growled back at the female, causing her to blink confused blue eyes at me.

  My hand shot out and I blasted her straight in the mouth. The jaw full of teeth exploded into dust around my fingers. I followed the blast with a power induced kick to her chest and she let go.

  I flew backward, smacking into another snow monster. Looking down, I saw that the thing had Bob the elf cornered against a massive tree and the tiny misogynist was holding it off with his pliers and not much else.

  I sent a power arrow into the back of the monster’s head and blood and teeth shot toward Bob in a white and red spray. The elf swiped a gnarly hand down his pug face and leered up at me. “Thanks, sexy.”

  “You’re welcome, shorty.” I cast my gaze around the ledge, seeing that the elves and Dialle had things under control. A blur of color caught my peripheral vision and I turned to see the back end of the Grinch disappearing into the mouth of his cave.

  I climbed the stumbling snow monster I’d just dispatched and sprang off its shoulder, doing a flip in the air and landing on my feet in front of the cave. You got this, Dialle? I need to go after the Grinch.

  Go ahead, Astra. I think we’re nearly done here.

  ~SC~

  The cave was unlit, the only illumination of its roughhewn walls and floor coming from some kind of dust that sparked in reds and greens as I moved quickly and silently through the passageway. I recognized the dust from Santa’s Workshop. He must have scattered it like breadcrumbs for us to follow.

  I entered a small cavern with passages like spider legs trailing off in several different directions from the main cavity. Listening with my power and my ears for anything that would tell me which passage to take, I was met with silence.

  A stale, cool breeze swirled through the cavern, spreading the sparkling dust in a whirlwind patte
rn at the center and extinguishing my trail to Santa.

  I sent out my sensing power to look for auras and found two small ones bouncing up the passageway behind me. Elves. Even their auras were green and red.

  Frunk me.

  A moment later Bob and Ralphy, covered in tooth dust and blood, ambled into the cavern.

  I frowned at them. “What are you two doing here?”

  Bob looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “We’re here to save your pretty ass, sweetie.”

  I snorted. “Yeah?”

  Ralphy glared at me. “You’re not exactly known for your finesse, Astra. I wouldn’t want you to blast the Grinch and accidently fry Santa.”

  “Besides, you’re a chick. Chicks are helpless and weak.” Bob shook his pint sized head in disgust at how dense I was, probably bruising his Neanderthal brain in the process.

  I crossed my arms and leaned back against the cavern wall. “Okay then, it sounds like you two don’t need me at all. Go ahead and rescue Santa and I can get back to enjoying the holiday.”

  The two pointy headed rodents stared at each other for a long moment, blinking. Finally Bob said, “You’d pout if we didn’t let you come along and help. I know how you chicks pout.”

  “Not at all. I’m good with this. If I had to save Santa I might break a nail or something. Plus, I wouldn’t want to rip Mx. Claus’ caterpillar shirt. You two go do the man’s work and the little lady will just wait here for your triumphant return.”

  More blinking.

  “Do you want to talk out your plan first?” I asked them, examining my nails.

  Ralphy cast a clueless gaze in my direction. “Plan?”

  “Yeah. Maybe you’d feel better if you talked through what you’re going to do when you find Santa. Are you gonna whoop the Grinch’s ass?”

  Bob puffed out his tiny chest and nodded, pulling his fuzzy, red pants higher onto his little round belly. “Yeah. We’re gonna pound that cranky green guy into the dirt.”

  “Then what?”