bedeviled & beyond 06.5 - bedeviled & bah humbug

by Sam Cheever

  “Darma.”

  “Are you going to help me with this or not, Astra?”

  One after another, several small faces popped over the edge and several sets of hostile black eyes peered down at me. “Um, Darma.”

  “Astra, stop yammering and come help me get the roof off this guy.”

  Biting back a barrage of colorful language, I hurried over and grabbed a long piece of metal that was probably one of the roof supports. I tried to lift it and it didn’t budge. The thing had to weigh a hundred pounds. I injected a jolt of power into it and it flew away, skittering across the dusty floor and slamming up against a nearby pillar.

  The crowd behind us gave a collective yelp of surprise and moved backward, putting distance between us and them. I felt kind of bad about that but there was nothing I could do about it. I had a feeling things were gonna get a lot worse before they got better.

  Meanwhile, back at the hole, two small feet and a fat butt appeared at the edge of the breech. A small form dressed in green and red jumped, monkey-like onto the rope, shimmying quickly toward the floor. Another green and red wearing critter hit rope and then another and another.

  “Get him out of here Darma, quick.” I turned to the crowd. “Get out of here! Now! Move toward the nearest exit and don’t look back.”

  A soft murmuring started. Heads turned toward the doors at the end of the mall, but nobody moved. “Go!” I shouted as the first ninja elf hit the floor and they finally started to turn away and run.

  I left them to their own devices and turned to face the enemy.

  They stood in formation a few yards away, hands on hips, looking smug. The leader was only three feet tall. His wide face was half hidden behind a black mask and his hair was obscured beneath a skull cap. A few shiny blond strands curled out from underneath the cap and the lips beneath the mask were twisted into a mean smile. He stood with legs spread wide, knees slightly bent as he contemplated how best to attack, and the stumpy fingers of one hand clasped the hilt of a long knife that looked like a sword because of his size. He clutched a multi-tassled whip in the other hand, the ends of which were covered in metal balls. The balls clanked softly together as he tensed for battle.

  The eyes behind the mask shone with malevolence that, despite his size, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I’d heard stories about the Ninja elves. Stories about their fighting prowess that were so spectacular as to seem made up. They were Christmas urban legend, the stuff of childhood nightmares, and I was about to find out how much of what I’d heard was real.

  As I stood there, trying to figure out my next move, several more Ninjas slid to a stop on the debris-strewn mall floor and arrayed themselves in perfect rows behind the first elf. They formed an arrow that, much to my chagrin, seemed to be pointing directly at yours truly.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Darma straightening with a wobbly mall Santa under her arm. I wanted to call out to her...warn her...but I was afraid if I moved or spoke the Ninjas who had been gathering in front of me would attack.

  I needed to make sure we were ready when they did.

  Darma. You need to shift him away from here and then get your butt back here to help.

  She snorted derisively in my mind. Seriously, Astra? You need my help with a bunch of elves?

  I don’t have time to argue with you right now. These aren’t ordinary elves and everybody in this mall is in danger.

  They’re three feet tall...

  Darma! Just do it.

  She sighed. Whatever.

  Darma and the mall Santa blipped away on a hiss of air and I thanked the Big Him that we’d been working on her spaceshifting powers.

  That left just little old me and about a dozen Ninja elves. Not good odds. But I tried not to assume the worst. Maybe they were just there to buy some Christmas underwear. “Can I help you guys find something? There’s a nice candle store on the South end of the mall and, if you’re hungry, I’m partial to the soft pretzel place on the West end.”

  The guy at the leading edge of the arrow smirked. “I’m insulted you think our demands would be that small.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest, stalling for time. “Then what do you want? Let’s talk. Nobody needs to get hurt.”

  “We can talk, chica, but before the end of the day, somebody’s gonna get hurt.”

  Frowning, I cast an ear toward the people behind me, hoping they’d made their escape. Unfortunately, I could still hear breathing and shuffling sounds. Bleurgh! “Talk to me, shorty.”

  His bristly jaw tightened at my insult. However, to his credit, he didn’t rise to my bait. “It’s really very simple, cupcake. Give us all the faux Santas and bring the real one here and we’ll get out of your beautiful auburn hair.”

  Whoa, I didn’t like the sound of that. “Give them to you? What exactly do you plan to do with them?”

  Grinning meanly, the three foot tall thug slowly lifted his hand, miming a slice across his throat with the knife he held.

  Behind me, a chorus of gasps and a muffled sob erupted.

  I wished them to silence but didn’t dare turn away to scold. “Why are you doing this?”

  “The faux Santas are a blotch on the season. They’re walking lies...pale imitations of the one true great Santa Claus. We can’t stomach their presence in the world anymore.”

  “But it’s just a suit. If you kill these guys we’ll just make more.” I doubted that was true but I had to try. Once people found out the Ninja elves would kill any fake Santa Clauses, there would probably never be another mall Santa hired.

  “Then we’ll kill those too. Eventually the human cattle will run out of suckers willing to wear the suit.”

  Knowing he was right, I shook my head. “I can’t give you the mall Santa just so you can kill him.”

  The head Ninja elf shrugged. “Your choice...”

  An elf shaped blur flashed past me and a shrill scream pierced the air. When I blinked the elf behind Shorty was holding a woman’s arm, his blade pressed against her thigh. She was sobbing quietly, her eyes wide with terror. She had a right to be afraid. The spot the elf was threatening was a major artery and if he sliced her there she’d bleed out in minutes.

  I held up my hands. “Hold on, let’s not be hasty here. You don’t want the kind of PR killing an innocent shopper would give you at Christmas time.”

  Shorty cocked his head. “I don’t?” His cruel lips tipped up in the corners. He was obviously enjoying himself.

  “No, you don’t. “I need some time to address your demands.”

  He glanced upward, to the enormous clock above our heads on a pole. The pole was gaily wrapped in garland, decorated in red ribbon. Such a stark counterpoint to the mean little rodents standing before me, purporting to be Christmas purists.

  “I’ll give you one hour. Then we start killing these people.”

  The air blurred and, trailing the captive woman’s scream behind them, the elves shot in several directions. When I turned around all the shoppers were gone, leaving behind only the faint echo of their screams.

  CHAPTER 2

  I had no idea where the elves had taken everybody. I wasn’t sure how to battle the Ninja elves even if I found them. And I quickly learned I was on my own in the mall. When I tried to reach outside the building with my powers I discovered the little creeps had wrapped the place in a squelching spell. I couldn’t get information out and nobody could get in to help.

  It was just me against a dozen of the dark world’s meanest, crankiest creatures.

  Then I remembered my sister was there too.

  Blink.

  Like I said, it was just me against the Ninjas.

  Darma?

  I healed the mall Santa, Astra.

  Good. Where are you?

  I think we’re in some kind of boiler room or something. There are a bunch of noisy metal things that put off a lot of heat. I’m starting to feel like a boiled Christmas sausage.

  Okay. Stay put for a whi
le. I need to find these little creeps and take them out before they start killing people.

  All by yourself? Astra, those guys are really fast.

  You think? I don’t have a choice. They’ve wrapped the mall up in a great big stinkin’ power repelling bow. Nothing magical can go out and nothing magical is comin’ in.

  Well that just sux.

  Yeah. Merry frunkin’ Christmas.

  I’ll be there in a blink.

  No! Darma!

  The air shimmered beside me and Darma was suddenly there.

  I glowered at her. “I told you to stay put.”

  She glowered right back. “You’re not the boss of me, Astra.”

  “You’re not the boss of me,” I repeated mockingly. “I don’t think you understand how dangerous these little guys are,” I told her.

  “Actually, I do. Unlike you I didn’t skip my Rare and Dangerous Christmas Creatures lectures. I also know their one and only weakness.” She gave me a snotty smile.

  As the Big Guy is my witness, I wanted to smack her ’tween the eyes.

  “Do you know their weakness, Astra?”

  My glare deepened as I struggled to find a way not to ask her for the information she was dying to give me. Maybe literally. Finally I huffed out a frustrated sigh. “Oh all right. What’s their weakness?”

  Darma shook her head. “I’m not going to tell you. Come on, let’s go find these little jerks and mete out some halfling justice.”

  Oh, good Him! I was stuck working with an idiot riding a gargoyle sized ’tude. We were never going to survive the current mess and enjoy another Christmas. I stomped after her as she headed for the nearest store. “Where’s the mall Santa?”

  “Hopefully still hunkered down in the sausage factory.”

  “You were supposed to be protecting him, Darma.” I knew I sounded petulant. I couldn’t help it. On her best days, my sister brought out the worst in me. And it didn’t appear to be one of her best days.

  “He’s fine. We can protect them all if we take out the elves.”

  Above our heads a loud speaker came on and the reedy voice of the lead Ninja blared out at us. “Greetings shoppers! Welcome to the Angel City Mall. We’re so pleased to have you in our clutches. Your hostesses today will be serving up some fake Santas for your execution pleasure. Thanks to mall management, God rest their beady little souls, you’ll get to watch as fake after fake is turned into atmospheric gas for his crimes.”

  The speaker squawked and sounds of fumbling ensued. Then a timid, breathless voice emerged from the speaker. “Help me, somebody please!”

  I wasn’t sure, but I thought it was the voice of the Santa Darma was supposed to be protecting. The elves had gotten him. I glared at my sister. “Nice work.”

  She paled slightly, her lips tightening with pique. “Well look at the bright side. If I hadn’t left him there they would have gotten me too.”

  “Nice, Darma.”

  She shrugged. “I’ll save him. Again.”

  There was a scuffle above our heads and a disheveled Santa with a fabric belly sticking out beneath his shirt and his beard drooping from one ear was suddenly flung over the railing. His screams were shut off as he exploded and, to my horror, filtered down on us in the form of fake snow. We jumped sideways to avoid getting mall Santa in our hair.

  “Wow,” my sister said. “They don’t mess around.”

  I was too angry to respond. After counting to twenty and doing thirty seconds of deep breathing exercises, I managed to wrench a fairly calm, if terse, request from between my clenched teeth. “Tell me what their weakness is so I can kick some Ninja elf ass.”

  She sighed. “All right. Come on. I have a plan.”

  Bent frunkin’ gargoyle toys. We were swimming with the turd sharks in an ocean made of pee. My sister had a plan.

  I ducked in behind her as she slipped into a nearby store. It wasn’t until she told me her plan that I tried to scream. I would have too. If she hadn’t stuffed that pair of Christmas socks into my mouth.

  ~SC~

  A mere half hour later we slipped from the store. Well, Darma slipped, I had to be dragged out, kicking and screaming. In the end, the clothing pole I grabbed almost saved me when it wedged crossways into the door. But Darma touched the metal and it disintegrated beneath her power. I crumpled ungracefully to the ground, my see-through skirt around my ass.

  “Man up, Astra.”

  “I am not going out into public in this get up.”

  “If you want to save all those people out there you’ll not only come out here, but you’ll do what I told you to.”

  My stomach twisted with horror. “I can’t do that.”

  “You have to.”

  “Have you met me?” I asked my sister. “I’m hardly a femme fatale, Darma.”

  “You don’t need to be. These guys have been virgins for a thousand years. Why do you think they’re so cranky?”

  I shoved to my feet and tugged on my wings, trying to decrumple them. “If they’ve stayed virgins for that long they’re probably good at resisting. There’s no way they’re going to fall for this.” I indicated my barely covered form that was twisting into itself in sheer horror. I was basically nakies under all the sheer and wispy clothing. The only redeeming feature of the outfit was the frunkin’ icy over the knee boots I was wearing. If only I could pull the cuffs of the boots up to my boobs.

  “Stop being such a baby, Astra.” Darma tugged her own wings straight and snapped her fingers. She became sparkly. “Come on, Astra. Do it.”

  “Good, Him! If anybody finds out about this I’ll never be taken seriously as a kick ass demon slayer again.”

  Darma rolled her eyes. “Just do it!”

  I snapped my fingers and turned myself into a twinkling star with big boobs that everybody in the mall could see if they looked, a slightly too wide rear end...ditto...and skinny legs that were at least partially covered by a pair of boots, which I fully intended to keep as recompense for my supreme embarrassment.

  Darma slid a look over me that ended with her lips only twisting slightly with disgust. “Let’s go.”

  After skulking around and watching for several minutes, we discovered the elves were patrolling the upper levels of the mall every five minutes. Two upper levels, two Ninja elves, two make-believe sex sprites to accost them.

  Darma narrowed her gaze on me and pointed to her eyes with two fingers, then pointed to the balconies above our heads with the same two fingers.

  I glowered at her, whispering, “What the hell does that even mean?”

  Expelling air, Darma lowered her head and responded in a harsh whisper. “I’ll take the second level, you take the third.” She disappeared with a soft pop.

  Closing my eyes, I pulled air into my lungs in an attempt to find my Chi. It didn’t work. I was so far from my Chi I’d be lucky to find it with a premium pair of hunting slugs from Saturn. So I gave up and popped onto the third level. I landed just behind a small island with a single palm tree in the middle. Pretend Christmas presents surrounded the tree and a sparkly fake angel spread her wings with make-believe benevolence above them. I spotted the Ninja elf halfway down the mall, completing his circle around the floor.

  Swinging my arm sideways, I took out the fake angel. “You’re cramping my style, angel. I don’t need any competition.” I eyed the pile of bent metal and glitter on the floor. “Even fake competition.”

  The elf peered into a store window and I stepped up onto the little tree island, arranging my wings tidily at my back. As he turned in my direction One wing slid back down to an awkward angle. There was nothing I could do about it. I was clutching the tree like a pole dancer, my hips gyrating suggestively. I forced myself to stop when I realized it looked like I was humping the tree.

  The elf halted, his mouth falling open.

  I smiled and he jerked as if he’d been struck.

  Oopsies!

  I toned down the smile and tried cocking a hip. “Hey, big boy.”


  He frowned behind the Ninja mask.

  Okay, poor choice of words.

  “I mean...you’re looking very handsome in your Ninja suit.”

  I wiggled my booty, drawing his masked gaze toward my least favorite body part. Fighting a grimace...and the desire to hide my ass behind a couple of the fake packages at my feet...I crooked a finger at him. “Come hither.”

  His frown deepened. “Who the hell are you?”

  I lifted my eyebrows in feigned surprise. “I’m a sexy sprite.”

  He glanced around. “Is it Halloween?”

  Surprise slipped into a glower on my face before I could stop it. When he saw my expression he reached for his blade with stubby fingers. “You don’t look like any sexy sprite I’ve ever seen.”

  I forcefully shoved a smile back onto my face. Though he looked worried, he didn’t slice off my head with his blade so I thought I was doing okay. “But don’t you think I’m sexy?” I fluttered my heavily painted lashes.

  His frown deepened. “Well, yeah, but after a thousand years of no sex I pretty much find that palm tree sexy.”

  “Good point. Why don’t you come over here and give us a kiss?”

  “Us? What, you and the palm tree?” He waggled his brows. “A threesome?”

  I swallowed back a swear word. “If that’s what it takes.”

  The air behind the elf shimmered and Darma appeared. She had a Ninja mask wrapped around one arm. She assessed the situation in a blink and shook her head. Then she reached out and zapped the elf on the back of his head and, as he slipped bonelessly to the ground, pulled off his mask. “You’re pathetic, Astra.”

  I climbed down off my tree and strode in her direction. “I told you I’m not any good at this.”

  She shook her head. “That was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.”

  I shrugged. “Hey, at least I distracted him.”

  Darma twisted the mask around her upper arm. “Help me pull this mook into a niche somewhere.