Never Split the Party

by Ramy Vance

  Love, Beth.

  Suzuki read the sentence over three times before he finally closed the message. He stumbled to his room in a daze, hardly taking notice of anything. Love, Beth. He mouthed the words to himself, fully aware of how ridiculous he looked as he fumbled the door handle to get into the Mundanes’ room.

  Opening the door, he read the message one last time.

  Love, Beth.

  Still wasn’t getting old.

  Suzuki clicked ‘Reply,’ but again the option was denied. Suzuki was trying to figure out a workaround or hack when he heard a discrete cough.

  Looking up from his HUD for the first time since entering the room, he saw Stew laying on the bed, Sandy straddling him.

  “Jesus fucking Christ,” Suzuki shouted as he covered his eyes. “You guys can lock the door, you know.”

  “Come here.” Sandy gestured for Suzuki to come closer. “Look, he’s sleeping.”

  “Okay, I’m just gonna say, right now, I am so not down being a part of your weird, kinky sex games.”

  “No, dude, seriously. Come here.”

  Suzuki cautiously approached the bed. Stew was snoring loudly. Sandy handed Suzuki an inkwell. She was holding a quill pen in her hand. She already had covered Stew’s forehead with drawings of a variety of penises.

  “How old are you?” Suzuki asked.

  “Always a child at heart. Now gimme a hand.”

  Sandy and Suzuki worked on what Sandy referred to as her magnum opus.

  There was a knock on the door. “Come in,” Suzuki shouted.

  Milos swung the door open and barged into the room. He came to a complete freeze when he saw Sandy on top of Stew and Suzuki kneeling over Stew’s face.

  Milos hiked up his pants and sauntered farther into the room. “Oh, I see this is where the real party is.” Milos grinned.

  Sandy shrugged and leaned over so that Milos could see Stew’s recently-decorated face. “Wanna lend a hand?”

  “Not my cup of tea.” Milos was noticeably disappointed. “You all have a good time. I just came by to tell you we’re leaving early tomorrow.”

  “Early? For what?” Suzuki asked.

  “How long did you think you were going to rest between contracts? This time I’m coming with you. I’ll help show you how it’s done. Stew’s got the right idea. You might want to get some sleep.”

  Milos slammed the door as he left. The sound woke Stew, who sat bolt upright, nearly knocking Sandy over. They peered into each other’s eyes.

  “Babe,” Stew mumbled. “Babe, what’s going on.”

  Stew sleepily looked at Suzuki, who managed to pull off an encouraging smile without laughing.

  “Suzuki,” Stew said. “What are you doing at breakfast?”

  Suzuki gently pushed Stew’s head back onto the pillow. “Just getting the sausages, buddy. That’s all.”

  Stew rolled over and buried his head in his pillow. “All right. Just make sure I get extra. I’m really hungry, mom.”

  Stew was snoring in a couple of seconds.

  Suzuki got up. “We should let him sleep.”

  “But he said he wanted extras.”

  “You know what? He did say he wanted extras.”

  19

  “At least it wasn’t breakfast in bed.”

  Stew had managed to scrub most of the dick drawings off, but a few stubborn penises still stained his skin.

  Once Stew had resolved himself that he’d spend the day with dicks on his face, he, Sandy, and Suzuki went down to the bar.

  There were three plates of eggs and sausage alongside fresh coffee. The plates were drizzled with grease, and there was a bowl of congealed fat from some blubbery creature.

  Milos waltzed up to the Mundanes, whistling. He sat at the bowl of fat, picked it up, and started slurping. He wiped the fat off of his beard. “Compliments to the chef.” He belched. “Ready to head out?”

  Suzuki crammed a handful of sausages into his mouth and washed them down with coffee. “What exactly are we doing?” he asked, careful not to let any food slip out of his mouth.

  Wendy set another cup of fat down in front of Milos, who hungrily swallowed it down. “Basic kidnapping,” he explained. “Nothing too exciting. Not by MERC standards at least. But it’ll be fun enough for me to come along for. Plus, it pays well.”

  Sandy ate while reading. She turned a page with her fork. Without looking up, she asked, “Any specific details we should know about? You were more than a little vague last time.”

  “Specifics? Sure. A krampus kidnapped a group of elvish children. We got to get ’em back before they get eaten.”

  “A krampus? I thought there was only one Krampus,” Suzuki interjected.

  “It’s a story most cultures have. But like most of the stories that humans have, it’s meant to point you toward the truth. Krampuses are truly demons. They’re kind of like a pest throughout the realms. I think Earth is the only one lucky enough to have them centralized in one location. The realms are lousy with them.”

  “So it’s just a run-of-the-mill demon? What about all of the Christmas stuff?”

  “Oh, still applies. I don’t know where they picked it up, but they love Christmas. You’ll probably get a kick out of the damn thing’s den. Usually good for a laugh or two.”

  Milos pulled out a pocket watch, checked the time, and slipped it back into his pocket. “All right, kids. Time to go. Wendy, will you do us the honor?”

  Wendy nodded and came out from behind the bar. She went to the side door. A large lever and a bulletin board covered with various scribbles and charts were beside the door. Wendy knocked on the door twice. There was no answer.

  “The krampus kidnapping, right?” Wendy asked as she reviewed the bulletin board.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Milos answered.

  “Got it. Just ring me if you find another junction, all right?”

  “Will do.”

  Wendy flung the lever and the door swung open. Suzuki approached the door after Milos. There wasn’t another room beyond the door. Instead, Suzuki could see into a dimly-lit cave. He could hear screams coming from the cave. “A portal?” he asked.

  “Wendy takes care of all the organization for this MERC base,” Milos said. “She scouts and maps out our mission areas for us, provides coordinates, and gets us there. Not quite as streamlined as having Manny run you out for missions, but that little ball of eyes is a busy Beholder. All right, come on. One at a time.”

  Milos waved the Mundanes over to the door. Stew scrambled to shovel the last of his eggs into his mouth while Sandy finished her coffee, never taking her eyes off her book.

  “Seems a lot more organized than our first mission,” Sandy muttered.

  And more complicated, Fred chimed in Suzuki’s head.

  Suzuki stepped up to the door and poked his head through. He instantly felt the draft from the cave. What do you mean?

  There’s more than a single krampus in there. And what’s more, I can feel other…creatures.

  What are they?

  Wouldn’t that knowledge kill the fun?

  Suzuki sighed internally. It was too early to deal with Fred. The imp was consistently getting on his nerves. Between the condescending remarks and the vague threats of impending doom, Suzuki had realized that his familiar was a constant source of irritation. Suzuki was jealous of Sandy and Stew. Both of them seemed to be getting along with their familiars way better than he was.

  Niv was helping Sandy get a better grasp of magic.

  As for GB, Stew never complained. And Stew was a complainer, so if GB was getting on his nerves, they’d all know about it.

  Meanwhile, Suzuki had to practically drag out the information about his mage spells (as limited as they were) and the damn imp was a constant source of irritation.

  Tell me, human. Fred sneered. Do you think that you’ll be trembling in your boots?

  Maybe. After all, whatever’s inside is probably much scarier than you, Suzuki snapped. You’re practic
ally a talking bat with stick arms.

  Duly noted, Fred coolly said. A talking bat. Quite creative.

  Suzuki tried to pretend that Fred had vanished from his body. There were more important things to worry about than arguing with his familiar, and he didn’t want a repeat of their last mission.

  Granted, it was the first time that they had been in the field, but the whole thing had been chaotic. Suzuki knew there were areas that he wanted to improve, and even though this was nothing like the VR game, he had mastered that…so he figured that in time he’d get the hang of this, too.

  He hated feeling like a newb.

  Still, fighting in the real Middang3ard had been easier than he’d thought it would be.

  It was the planning in the midst of a battle while his body was flooded with adrenaline and fear that was the hard part.

  Milos crossed through the door and into the cave. He grabbed Suzuki and pulled him over the threshold.

  Stew and Sandy followed close behind.

  The Red Lion was behind them. They had been seamlessly transported into the cave. Suzuki greatly preferred this over the other teleportation methods he’d experienced. At least this method didn’t turn his stomach inside out.

  The cave was small and cramped with only enough room for them to walk single file. As the Mundanes and the dwarf made their way through its corridors, Suzuki felt like the walls were squeezing in around them.

  Milos took the lead because, as a dwarf, he didn’t have to bother ducking under hanging stalactites. Unfortunately, the rest of the Mundanes had to occasionally duck or even crawl on their knees to avoid the sharp pieces of rock jutting out of the ceiling.

  Finally, the walls of the cave opened up a bit and they could breathe a little easier.

  But the sense of relief was short-lived when they discovered they were standing at the edge of a ledge.

  Milos walked to the edge and looked over, pressing his finger to his lips as he waved the Mundanes over to him. “Take a look,” he whispered.

  Beneath the ledge, about twenty feet down, was the krampus den. Christmas lights were strung up from the ceiling, and there was a burning wooden effigy of St. Nick in the corner.

  There were also dozens of Christmas trees everywhere that were all decorated with shards of broken glass and the skeletons of small animals.

  The bizarreness of the scene was accentuated by the scent of pine and eggnog.

  In the middle of the den was a large nativity scene. The animals were all skeletons, as were the wise men, Mary, and Joseph. Scraps of clothes draped the bones, and the manger was filled with rotten fruit.

  Across from the manger were a large blackboard and a row of school desks. The elf children were all tied up, each one sitting at a desk, being forced to listen to an old record player that played a crackling version of “Jingle Bells.”

  The haunting notes partially covered the crying of the elvish children.

  “José would get a kick out of this,” Milos mumbled.

  “José,” Suzuki muttered to himself, remembering his brief encounter with the MERC. “That guy was…was unique.”

  “Jesus, Suzuki.” Stew groaned. “You need to stop your fanboying. It’s embarrassing.”

  “Yeah. Right. Sure. Ahh, OK, we need to come up with a plan.”

  There was a loud, screeching roar coming from the passageway they had just exited.

  But because they were on the ledge, Suzuki couldn’t see what was making the noise. Still, he drew his sword, ready to fight.

  That’s when he felt something hit him hard in the stomach, knocking him against the wall’s edge.

  As his vision went blurry, he felt something large and heavy sit on his stomach. It pried his mouth open and poured in a hot liquid.

  Suzuki tried to fight the thing, but it was too heavy...and the hot liquid too delicious.

  Immediately Suzuki felt overwhelming exhaustion as his eyes closed under their own weight and he drifted off into the blackness of sleep.

  20

  Wake up, human.

  Suzuki’s eyes snapped open, and as soon as he realized where he was, he tried to stand but couldn’t.

  Whatever had captured them had also bound them.

  As his eyes were adjusting to the dark, he tried to make out what shapes were surrounding him.

  He was still in the cave. Sandy was leaning against the cave wall, and Milos was slumped over on his side. Both of them were snoring loudly.

  But Stew was nowhere to be seen.

  I said, wake up, the voice sleepily repeated.

  What? Who? Fred? Is that you? Suzuki asked.

  There was no answer, but Suzuki could feel the imp curling up in his mind as if he were going to sleep.

  Seriously, Fred. Now’s not the time to sleep, damn it.

  Fred’s voice came back weak and distant. Can’t…help it. So very, very tired.

  Whatever, Suzuki thought, angrier than ever at his familiar. When they got out of here…if they got out of here, Suzuki planned on looking into trading Fred for anything else.

  Fred might be of no use, but Sandy wasn’t. Suzuki rocked himself back and forth, edging closer until he fell on top of her. She yelped softly. “Be quiet,” he whispered.

  “Christ, I was having such weird dreams.” Sandy teased some pebbles out of her hair. “Sugarplums and shit. Where’s Milos?”

  “Here,” Milos groggily muttered. There was white liquid in his beard.

  “What the fuck is in your beard?” Suzuki asked.

  “Well, I can’t exactly see it now, can I?”

  Sandy face contorted. “It looks like cum.”

  “Cum?” Milos frantically picked at his beard. “Why would there be cum in my beard?” Then, pointing a trembling finger at the mage, added, “And how would you know?”

  “Dude, I know what cum looks like. White, thick, sticky. Just like that stuff in your beard.”

  Milos looked at Suzuki for help, but all the warrior-mage could do was shrug and say, “Whatever is in your beard is all of those things.”

  “In all the domains what the fuck is—?” but before Milos could finish what Suzuki was sure would be a colorful string of curses, a rumbling was heard ahead in the cave, followed by slow, plodding steps of something large.

  Another inhuman roar echoed as one of the krampuses walked into the cave, bending low so it didn’t scrape its horns.

  The creature was at least ten feet tall. Its body was covered in thick, black fur, all except its face, which looked like a parody of an old human woman, all wrinkled and furrowed, with a long, hooked nose below deep-set, piercing black eyes, and with a slack-jawed mouth filled with jagged, yellow teeth.

  The krampus wore a tattered red robe and, cradled in its spindly arms held close to her bosom was Stew, who suckled at the krampus’ teat as if he were a babe.

  “Guess we know what’s on your beard,” Sandy offered.

  Milos leaned over and started spitting. “Sucking a krampus’ tits,” he moaned. “If a word of this gets out to anyone, I’ll have you all gutted.”

  The krampus lumbered farther into the cave and gingerly placed Stew on the ground next to the rest of the Mundanes. It grabbed tinsel and Christmas wreaths from a pile of yuletide junk piled in the corner and then tied Stew’s hands and feet. The krampus then thoroughly observed each of the party. It was only a few inches from Suzuki’s face, breathing heavily, the scent of fresh gingerbread wafting from its mouth.

  Suzuki wanted to pull away in disgust, but the smell was oddly satisfying. He breathed deeply, and his head started to swim.

  The krampus pulled back its robe and exposed its hairy breast to Suzuki. It pressed its teat to Suzuki’s lips, forcing him to suckle.

  He tried to resist but couldn’t.

  Suzuki was starting to get sleepy again and slumped onto his side. Sugarplums danced in his head. Satisfied that Suzuki had had his fill, the krampus moaned loudly, a sound like a train screeching to a stop, before shuffling off, leavi
ng the Mundanes in the dark.

  “Dude,” Sandy called, rousing Suzuki. “I think you just gave her the big O.”

  “Shut up,” Suzuki murmured, trying to drive the sleepy visions from his mind.

  “Just couldn’t wait to get seconds,” Milos chided.

  “Have you seen yourself? You look like a ‘Got Milk’ commercial.”

  “Come on,” Sandy said. “We need to focus. How are we getting out of here?”

  “How many krampuses are there in this cave?” Suzuki asked.

  “There’s the big one, for sure. And the one with the maternal instinct, but outside that ….” Sandy shook her head.

  Suzuki nodded, trying to think, but he felt very sleepy and very thirsty. So very, very thirsty. “Is anyone else in desperate need of water?” Suzuki hesitated before adding, “Or more milk?”

  No one answered.

  “Seriously. I’m really thirsty.”

  More silence. Finally, Sandy cleared her throat. “It was pretty tasty,” she admitted.

  “Fucking spook missions,” Milos mumbled under his breath.

  “What’d you say?” Suzuki asked.

  “Military. This was a military-grade mission. They handed it over to MERCs ‘cause, who knows? Someone just didn’t want to do it.”

  “Huh. Guess Manny wasn’t joking about us taking out the military’s garbage.”

  “They think they have more important things to do. Not everyone cares about rescuing kids.”

  “And you do?”

  “Someone has to.”

  This level of sincerity was not what Suzuki was expecting. Milos had been all booze and laughter since Suzuki had met him. He didn’t seem like someone who would be risking his life for children because he “cared.”

  None of the MERCs had seemed like that.

  That being said, Suzuki didn’t know many MERCs. The most he’d interacted with any of them had been at the Red Lion while they were celebrating the Mundanes’ first mission. That in itself should have told Suzuki something about the nature of the MERCs.