Pretend You're Mine

by Crystal Kaswell

  “It was bullshit?”

  “Maybe, but that didn’t matter. It was an epic story. Entertaining even if it wasn’t true.”

  The light flashes green. Ryan turns to the road. Taps the gas. The car moves forward.

  Houses and businesses blur together.

  “She had the bar hanging on every word. At least, every time I checked. It was a busy night. I kept fixing her drinks. Didn’t pay much attention.” My stomach churns. This happened two years ago, but the pain is still fresh. The wound is still there. “Closing rolled around and she was still there. Slumped over the bar. Drunk. But holding her own.”

  “You could have got in trouble.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t care about that.” I suck a breath between my teeth. “It was when someone came in looking for her.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “It was her daughter.”

  Ryan’s attention turns to me.

  “You’re driving.”

  “You’re talking.”

  “I want to live to see tomorrow.”

  He looks at the road. “I want to hear this.”

  A snappy comeback dissolves on my tongue. I want him to hear it too. I want him to see my scars. “She was young. Eleven. Maybe twelve. But that wasn’t the worst part. It was how weary she was. Like she did this every night.”

  “Did she?”

  “Probably. I did. That was why I made sure to work nights. So my mom couldn’t count on me to clean her up and put her to bed.”

  “Leigh—”

  “I saw this look in her eyes. An acceptance. Like she knew her mom would never change. Like she knew she’d be doing this forever. And I thought: why is a twelve-year-old smarter than I am?”

  “Your mom—”

  “Yeah. I went home. Told my mom I was moving out unless she quit drinking.”

  “And—”

  “She stared at me, all glassy-eyed, laughed it off.”

  “She called your bluff.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You moved out the next day?”

  “Yeah.” My laugh is sad. “How’d you know?”

  “I know you.”

  He does. He knows me better than anyone. Just not as well as I want him to. “I moved out. Quit my job. Begged my way to… well, I guess you know the rest.”

  “Your mom is that bad?”

  “She was. Now… I don’t know. We don’t talk anymore.” I press my lips together. “I know, it’s fucked, leaving her to drink herself to death—”

  “She’s the parent. She should be responsible.”

  “But…”

  “That’s it.”

  Maybe.

  “You did the right thing.”

  “I spent years shilling booze.”

  “You made ends meet.”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t need to work. She has a good job. She’s high functioning at work. Waits until she’s home to really get wasted. Waits until I can clean up her mess.”

  “Fuck. Leigh. I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks.” My shoulders relax. He isn’t running away. He isn’t staring with judgment. He isn’t kicking me out of his car.

  His voice is soft. Sweet. The kind of voice you use to whisper I love you. “I thought shit was fucked with my parents. But it’s nothing. The usual are you sure you don’t want to go to business school thing.”

  “You did.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did it make them happy?”

  “Until I started apprenticing.”

  “Was it worth it?”

  “Don’t tell them, but yeah. I learned a lot.” The car slows. Pulls to a stop.

  We’re here.

  Ryan unclicks his seatbelt.

  I do the same.

  He moves closer. Wraps his arms around me.

  I let my eyelids press together.

  Let my fingers dig into his t-shirt.

  He’s warm and he smells good. Like lemon soap and like Ryan.

  I feel him everywhere. In my lungs and my bones and my soul.

  It’s deeper than usual.

  More intimate.

  Ryan never holds me like this.

  Never.

  “I’m sorry, Leigh.” He pulls me closer.

  “Do you… do you want to come in?” Hold me all afternoon. Fall asleep in my bed. Make me forget the world. “I’m still working on my portfolio. I could use your help.” Even if I’m not planning to start taking clients for a long, long time.

  He runs his fingers through my hair. “Whatever you want.”

  I want you.

  I swallow the thought. Push it as deep as it will go. “We could get that amazing mint coffee first.”

  “Anything.”

  Not anything. Not by a long shot.

  But something all the same.

  Chapter 14

  Ryan

  We spend the afternoon walking along the beach.

  Spend the night eating street tacos over hours of work on Leighton’s portfolio. Her shit is amazing, but it’s unfocused. She needs to pick a niche and own it.

  I keep arguing she should do book covers.

  She keeps resisting.

  I don’t know why she doesn’t want to go after this.

  But I’m going to figure it out. I’m going to convince her to do this.

  It’s late when she gives up on work. But she doesn’t ask me to leave and I don’t offer.

  Instead, she puts on Austin Powers and pats the spot on the couch next to her. “Promise you won’t ask again?”

  I will.

  But not here.

  Not tonight.

  I nod and take the spot next to her.

  She pulls her knees into her chest. Rests her head on my shoulder.

  She falls asleep in my lap halfway through the movie.

  If feels right having her this close.

  Intimate.

  Terrifying.

  Like she’s going to rip my heart from my chest and leave it beating on the floor.

  That can’t happen.

  Shit can’t change.

  No matter what, I can’t lose her.

  Brendon takes a swig from his water bottle. His dark eyes fill with that paternal I know best, and it’s not this look of his. “You really want to hand her more of your thoughts?”

  “It was Leighton’s idea.”

  “You’re an adult. Take responsibility for yourself.”

  The water sloshes against the side of the pool as Leighton does a cartwheel.

  There are another dozen people in the pool—Dean went all out—but I only see her.

  Her purple hair sticking to her forehead.

  Her lips parting with a laugh.

  Her ass bouncing as she jumps, straining the straps of that so-called swimsuit.

  “What did you tell me when I was trying to get over Kay?” He takes another swig.

  We’re standing in the shade, under the patio umbrella, the enormous backyard in front of us.

  The grill to our right.

  Dean’s fixing burgers. Flirting with a mutual friend.

  Leighton insists he isn’t Mr. Powers.

  But who else could it be?

  “Nobody fucking warns you good advice comes back to haunt you,” I say.

  “Be less insightful.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “See somebody. Do something. Anything that’s not about Penny.”

  “I am.”

  “Pretending to date your best friend—”

  “I’m seeing her, aren’t I?”

  “You’re fucking her?”

  “No.” My voice is incredulous. “That’s ridiculous.”

  “Then you aren’t seeing her.”

  Maybe not romantically. But I am seeing Leighton. When I close my eyes, she’s there. Pressing her berry lips into a smile. Running her fingers through my hair. Shifting into my lap with a sigh.

  “You like her?”

  “She’s my best friend.”


  “You want to fuck her?”

  “Look at her.”

  He chuckles. Takes another swig. “Beyond that?”

  “Not looking for your advice about getting over someone.”

  “Fair enough.” He finishes his water, tosses it in the recycling bin. “But I know not getting over someone.”

  “And?”

  “Proximity doesn’t help.” His dark eyes fix on something to our right.

  Kaylee. His still eighteen-year-old girlfriend.

  She’s wearing an Ariel bikini with a purple top and a flared metallic green skirt. Her long blond hair hangs over her shoulders. Powder blue glasses frame her green eyes.

  She’s too young for him.

  But the way they’re looking at each other—

  Anybody can see they belong together.

  She turns to me. Waves. Spares me the torture of a hug from an acquaintance. “Hey, Ryan. How’s it going?”

  “Good.” I take a long sip of my tequila and lime. It doesn’t hit the spot, but everything else makes me feel like I’m being boiled alive. “How’s work?”

  “The new restaurant is great. Down to two days a week for the same money as four.” She wraps her arm around Brendon’s waist. Rests her head against his chest. “Are you and Leighton seeing each other?”

  Brendon chuckles. “You’re gonna field this question all day.”

  “How hard is it to say yes?” I ask.

  “I don’t lie to my girlfriend,” he says.

  “All that lying to your sister and your friends use up your quota for deception?” I try to make my voice teasing, but it’s more of an attack.

  She looks to him. Huh?

  He brushes her hair behind her ear. Leans in to whisper.

  She nods oh.

  He keeps whispering.

  She blushes.

  “Dirty talk somewhere else,” I say.

  She laughs. “I guess that answers my next question.”

  I arch a brow.

  “If you’re sleeping together.” She pulls her boyfriend closer. “Sorry. That was rude. You can still be cranky after sex.”

  “Bad sex.” Brendon pulls her frames from her eyes. Folds them and sets them on the glass table next to us.

  She nods true.

  They share a look. Something like oh, that’s Ryan’s problem. He needs to get laid.

  No arguments here.

  I need the sweaty exhaustion that comes with sex.

  I need soft thighs against my cheeks.

  I need a woman’s groan in my ear.

  But I can’t handle the intimacy of that.

  “You look good, Ryan… Happy.” She nods goodbye, wraps her hands around her boyfriend’s wrists, pulls him toward the pool.

  He nods his own goodbye. Jumps in with her.

  Fuck, this backyard is the size of most houses.

  My parents are too rich.

  Their story is always something about buying when the market was right. But then rich people never think they have money. Even when they have MBAs and six-figure salaries.

  “You do look happy.” Walker plops on the lounge chair next to me. Surveys the pool. “It’s weird. But good.”

  “That a compliment?” I watch Leighton do a somersault. Jump to her feet. Wrap her arms around Iris and pull her into the water with her.

  “She really wearing that?”

  “And Iris?”

  “Fuck.” He lets out a low groan. “She’s too good at torturing me.”

  Her deep purple swimsuit is nearly as tiny as Leighton’s.

  She looks good.

  Like she’s gonna drag Walker to an empty bedroom and tear off his swimsuit.

  Her eyes find his.

  She blows him a kiss.

  He catches it and press it to his chest.

  She blows another.

  He presses that one to his crotch.

  She blushes.

  Leighton laughs. Her eyes find mine. They promise something, but I’m not sure what it is. Only that I want it.

  With a wave, she turns back to the pool. Drags Iris under the water again.

  “You and Leighton talk a lot?” I ask.

  He nods.

  “You know if she’s into anyone?”

  He shoots me a curious look. “Isn’t she into you?”

  “It’s pretend.”

  “You sure about that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know a lot more about relationships than I do, Ryan. But I know one thing.”

  “Yeah?”

  “You want to know something, ask her.”

  “I have.”

  “Then believe her.”

  It’s good advice.

  I want to believe Leighton isn’t head over heels for my younger brother.

  But there’s something about the way her voice wavers. The way her eyes fill with dread.

  There’s some reason she’s dead set on keeping this a secret.

  Walker peels off his sunglasses. “You need anything, you know who to call.” He pushes himself up, nods goodbye, makes his way to the pool.

  He jumps in, finds Iris, wraps his arms around her like he’s never gonna let go.

  He isn’t ever gonna let go.

  It’s weird, being surrounded by all these happy couples. Seeing the guys settling down.

  I’m happy for them.

  Usually, it pokes the she’s gone, and my entire future is gone with her bruise.

  But that doesn’t hurt as badly today.

  I move to the grill. Refill my tequila. Wait for Dean to finish flirting with his blond friend.

  He turns to me. “You want a burger?”

  “Sure.”

  “Medium rare?”

  I nod.

  He pulls a patty from the ice box. Sets it on the grill.

  “You went all out.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I take a long sip. Let the booze dissolve my inhibitions. He did this for me. It’s sweet. In a Dean kind of way. “Thanks.”

  He picks up his beer. Holds it up to toast.

  I do the same.

  We clink glasses.

  He laughs. “You look fucking ridiculous in those black board shorts.”

  “More or less ridiculous than Brendon?”

  “Tough call.” He turns to the pool. “The fucker corrupted Kay too thoroughly. She barely responds to my teasing.”

  “And Leighton?”

  “What about her?”

  “You offered to make her come.”

  His blue eyes light up as he laughs. “You’re gonna have to be more specific. I offer to make her come all the time.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you wear black every day?”

  I see his point. Asking Dean why he teases Leighton is like asking a fish why it swims.

  It’s just what he does.

  But—"Have you two ever?”

  “I tried. Believe me. But she’s not interested.”

  “You do want to fuck her?”

  He motions to Leighton in the pool. To the tiny swimsuit hugging her tits. “Of course I want to fuck her. Look at her.”

  “Said the same thing to Brendon.”

  “Great minds think alike.”

  “That’s terrifying.” I take another swig. “Do you actually want to fuck her?”

  “Don’t understand this actually word. She’s hot. And she plays hard to get. What else is there to consider?”

  “You like her?”

  “Yeah. I am capable of friendship.”

  “You want to be with her?”

  “You’re going in circles, Ryan.” Dean uses a spatula to scoop the burger onto a paper plate. “You want a bun?”

  “No.”

  He hands over the plate. Nods to the condiments.

  I grab mustard and a fork. Drown the patty in Dijon.

  Dean scoops a second burger onto a plate. Piles it high with toppings.

  He turns the grill down and plops in the blue patio c
hair.

  He looks over the glass table to me. “Be careful with her.”

  “Leigh is tough. She doesn’t need—”

  “Yeah. She does. Don’t let her forget it’s pretend.”

  “She’s into someone else.”

  “And you’re hung up on Penny.”

  The sound of her name threatens to close my airways.

  But I’m not hung up on her.

  I don’t want her.

  I want her out of my thoughts.

  And now.

  “I’m getting over it.” I bring a slice of my burger to my lips. “This is good shit. Thanks.” The word is awkward on my tongue. My brother and I have never had an earnest relationship. And our parents aren’t exactly the thank you, you did great, we’re proud of you types.

  “You’re welcome.” He takes a messy bite.

  “You hate this idiot as much as I do?”

  “I know a lot of idiots. You’ll have to be more specific.”

  “This guy who doesn’t see how great Leighton is.”

  Dean laughs. “He’s an idiot, but what matters is how he treats her. Right?”

  Fuck, he knows something.

  But he’s not gonna tell me.

  I nod. Settle into my chair. Finish half my burger.

  Footsteps pad against the concrete.

  The sun falls over Leighton’s soft skin.

  Dean shoots her a look.

  She waves him off.

  Slides into my lap and wraps her arms around me.

  Fuck. That feels good.

  Too good.

  She leans in to whisper. “They’re here.”

  And for a second I thought that was for me.

  Maybe Dean is right.

  I need to be careful with this.

  I need to keep my head on straight.

  Leighton slides out of my lap, offers her hand, helps me up.

  Sure enough, Penny and Frank are standing at the side gate.

  Smiling.

  Stealing the warmth from the air.

  Stealing my oxygen.

  Chapter 15

  Ryan

  “What a cute swimsuit.” Penny hugs Leighton hello.

  Leighton presses her berry lips—somehow, her lipstick is still perfect—into a smile. Squeezes Penny, wetting her breezy white sundress.

  She always wears white now.

  It’s like she’s screaming I’m about to get married.

  I’m not the girl you fell in love with, the one who rolled her eyes at the idea of a Maui wedding, who only wore jewel tones, who refused to take Daddy’s money.