Pretend You're Mine

by Crystal Kaswell

  She doesn't mind the Dom voice. She plants in her seat, staring at the reflection of her tattoo with a goofy smile on her face.

  Her enthusiasm is infectious.

  And she's cute. Light hair. Bright eyes. Ample tits. The kind of girl I used to take home every other night.

  I slip back into my trance as routine takes over. Wash. Pat dry. Photo. Plastic covering.

  I go through my usual aftercare speech, take her to the counter to pay, grab some A+D ointment for her, accept another hug, take a few more pictures, listen to her gush to Leighton.

  Fuck, it feels good, seeing someone that happy over their new ink.

  Nothing else fills me with that kind of pride.

  It doesn't even faze me when she slips me a business card and smiles. "I'd love to get a drink sometime. The bar down the street is great. Or we could go to my place. You haven't had a dirty martini until you've had one of mine."

  Anna. She's an assistant at some place with a corporate name.

  She wants to fuck me. She's nearly screaming it.

  But I'm still tempted to toss her card.

  She sways her hips as she walks out the door. It's a showy gesture. A look at my ass.

  Dean waits until the door swings shut to move into the lobby. He shoulder taps me. "You got her number. Nice."

  I shoot him an incredulous look.

  "Did you not see those tits? She was fine."

  "And?"

  His smile spreads over his cheeks. His blue eyes light up. "And she wants to tear off those black skinny jeans of yours. What the fuck are you trying to prove with that outfit anyway? You look like an emo musician."

  I struggle not to roll my eyes. This is a tattoo shop, not a runway. And he only pulls out that emo label to annoy me. Because he knows Emma's room is decorated with posters of eyeliner wearing musicians. And that nothing annoys me more than her blasting that shit.

  "It wouldn't hurt, honing that damaged musician look," Walker calls out from his suite. He stands up, shakes his head, shaking his long, wavy hair in every direction. His dark eyes get bright. "I doubt Kaylee would mind."

  Fuck, I know it's a Saturday afternoon in the middle of summer, but I can't deal with all four of us here. Dean and Walker together isn't so bad. The two of them give me a lot of shit, but it's good natured.

  Ryan's fine on his own. He's curt but it comes with a quiet professionalism.

  The three of them together—

  It's too many opinions.

  They're like children throwing a tantrum.

  Reacting only encourages them.

  "Yeah, I know, you know, Ryan knows, everybody here knows. Everybody but Brendon," Dean says.

  Ryan rolls his eyes. "You here to work or to gossip?"

  "Gossip." Dean smiles at his brother. Runs his hand through his hair exactly the same way Ryan does. "Especially about fucking cute blondes rocking the librarian look. You have anything to say about that?"

  "I have shit to say about work." Ryan folds his arms.

  Walker chuckles. "You really think Kaylee would give you the time of day?"

  Dean shrugs. "I'm speaking metaphorically. We can all appreciate a woman with a nice ass and fantastic tits. Especially when she wears tiny sun dresses and sweet cardigans."

  "And she has hypothetical green eyes and blue glasses? And a heart that beats only for Brendon?" Walker asks.

  "I'm not talking about her heart," Dean says. "I'm talking about her body."

  Walker laughs. He shoots me that you gonna take this look?

  "How do you think she'd sound screaming my name? More high pitched?" Dean imitates a woman's moan. "Oooh, Dean," he squeals. "Fuck me, Dean. Harder. Harder." He drops the put-on voice. "Or more low and breathy?" He groans. "Oh. Dean. Yes. Right. There."

  Dean has no intention of fucking Kaylee.

  And Walker is right. She'd never give him the time of day.

  Dean wants me to snap and tell him to go fuck himself. It's not happening. The shit that goes through my head is a lot worse than this.

  He presses on anyway. "The girl looks at you like you set her panties on fire. You could snap your fingers and have her on her knees."

  "You want to hear this shit or not?" Ryan's voice hits that I mean business tone.

  Dean nods. "I have a lot more shit to give Brendon, but fine."

  "Manning is selling the shop," Ryan says.

  Fuck.

  Every bit of joy falls from Dean's expression.

  Even Walker looks surprised.

  "He's giving us the option to buy him out. Any of us. Or all four of us. It's not cheap, but it's doable." Ryan stares back at his brother. "You listening now?"

  Dean nods.

  Ryan takes a minute to go into the numbers. I'm the only person with enough to buy out the place. But that would mean adding more time to the mortgage.

  There's no way I'm doing that.

  But there's no way I'm letting this shop slip through my fingers either. This place is the best thing in my life.

  "We have two weeks," Ryan says. "Think about it. Check your shit. We'll talk."

  He nods goodbye to his brother.

  Ryan shakes his head as he watches Dean and Walker return to their suites. He runs a hand through his shaggy hair. Shakes his head. "They're such kids."

  "They are kids," I say.

  His expression gets sincere. Caring. It's a rarity for him. He's been sulking over his broken heart, avoiding anything that even resembles earnest emotion, for ages now. "They're fucking immature, but they're right."

  "I ask for your opinion?"

  "I ask you to invite your crush to hang out here so you can stare at her ass?"

  "She was here for two minutes."

  "Yeah, she never hangs out here."

  "She helps out for free."

  "That's why she's here, love of our bottom line?"

  "You have a point?"

  "My idiotic brother is right. She's not gonna wait around for you forever. And you shouldn't either." He motions to the business card in my hand. "She was cute."

  "Not interested."

  "You don't need to marry her. Just go out. Have fun. Realize there are more fish in the sea."

  "Really?"

  "Fuck off. I can be a hypocrite if I want." He is. He's been scorched Earth about romance since his ex left. There are no other fish in the sea. Not for Ryan.

  "She's almost as young as Kaylee."

  "She invited you to a bar." Ryan shrugs. "Your life. Do what you want." He motions to Anna's number. "You keep saying you don't want to be with Kay. If you mean it, then prove it. At least to yourself."

  Chapter 6

  Kaylee

  There are a dozen boxes in the living room. The space is empty. Sparse. Soulless.

  Mom is sitting on the couch, one hand in her lap, the other playing with the silver palm-tree tag attached to her plain black suitcase. She might as well scream we're leaving California, we're leaving you, we're leaving our lives entirely.

  She stands.

  Her gestures are small. Quiet.

  Her steps are nearly silent.

  She picks her purse off the kitchen table and slides it onto her shoulder with tender care. Like it's some piece of fine China and not something we bought at TJ Maxx for forty dollars.

  The table—the one that gives me bruises every time I bump into it in the dark—is one of the only things of ours left.

  Okay, that's not fair. Most of the furniture is here. We're subletting the place furnished. For college kids, the ones that go to Santa Monica College on their parent's dime, the ones who can afford to have fun.

  I shake my head. I'm not going to get jealous. Emma is one of those people. She can't help that she and Brendon inherited a fortune. She can't help that she isn't wound tighter than a ball of twine.

  I have time, money, and space for fun.

  The only thing stopping me is me.

  "I wish we had more time." Mom's voice is as sad as her smile. She unwr
aps her arms, opening herself and inviting me in.

  I don't want her invitation.

  I want to tell her to go fuck herself. She can't un-invite me from my life then offer comfort. That's bullshit.

  Them being vague about the details of Grandma's condition—that's bullshit.

  It's not like Grandma is some relative we never see. She's practically my best friend. She taught me how to curl my hair, how to make an almond butter and jelly sandwich (cooking is one thing I still can't master), how to tell which games at the boardwalk were rigged (most of them).

  We used to play with dolls and Legos and even Dad's Star War's figurines.

  Now, it's more talk about boys and hair and school, but we're just as close. She calls every week. At least.

  I want to yell and scream.

  But I won't. I never do.

  Someone has to be the one in control. The one who keeps it together.

  Someone has to be the one everyone can count on.

  I accept my mom's hug. I sink into it. I try to find comfort in the embrace, but it feels like betrayal.

  They should have asked me.

  This is my life too.

  I don't want things to change. I don't want them to leave. I don't want Grandma to die.

  But I can't stop any of it.

  I'm not in control here.

  Not even a little.

  I release my mom's embrace and take a step backward.

  Dad is waiting at the kitchen table, his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the floor.

  He looks up at me. His hazel eyes fill with pride. "Kay, I'm going to miss you so much. We'll call every day. And visit as soon as we can." He smiles. "Or we can fly you out to visit with Grandma. How would that be?"

  I want to tell him to throw away his shitty consolation prize, but I don't. The thought of visiting Grandma is too inviting. The affection in his voice is too earnest. "Okay."

  He steps forward and pulls me into a hug. "I'm so proud of you. We all are. You're going to ace your classes."

  My mouth gets sticky. Everyone is sure I'm going to excel. Everyone expects me to get everything right, all the time. It's a lot of pressure. Even if most of it comes from myself. "Thanks, Dad."

  "You're such a bright young woman. I'm not sure what we did to get so lucky. I love you so much, baby girl."

  "I love you too."

  He steps backward. Reaches for his suitcase, the black one with the plain red tag.

  He looks to Mom. "I guess we better go. Security at LAX is always a nightmare."

  Mom nods. "Are you going to be okay alone, Kay? We can drop you off at the Kanes' house."

  I shake my head. I need to say goodbye to everything.

  And I need to figure out how I'm going to survive constant proximity to Brendon. He's off limits.

  I know that.

  I just don't know how to convince my body or my heart to get on board with the get over Brendon plan.

  My eyes go to the clock on the wall, the plain black one we got at Target last year. It's the only thing in here I picked out.

  Their flight takes off in an hour and a half. They've been waiting for me to get home. To say goodbye.

  Warmth crawls into my chest. It threatens to break up the stone growing around my heart.

  But that's not happening.

  If they want forgiveness, they should apologize.

  "I'll be okay. Let me know when you get in." I hug Mom and Dad one last time. Go through one last round of goodbyes.

  Then I watch them walk out the door.

  And I settle into the couch.

  And I soak in all the feelings whirring around my chest.

  I'm alone.

  I have Brendon and Emma, but as long as I keep everything to myself, I'm alone.

  I hate everything about this.

  I could talk to Emma, but she's angry on my behalf. She starts ranting about how awful my parents are, about what a traitor Brendon is for siding with them, about how everything in the world is unjust.

  She's right.

  But I don't want her being pissed for me.

  I'm plenty pissed myself. It's just... I can never quite find the words to express it. Not verbally. Not to anyone else.

  The only place where I can really get my feelings out is my journal.

  I've always loved pouring my feelings onto the pages. Though love isn't the right word. It's more of a frantic need. If I skip a few days, my thoughts turn into a jumbled mess. I get fuzzy. Overwhelmed.

  My head goes to dark places.

  Last year, my head started going to dark places all the time. It was before Grandma got sick. It wasn't for any reason, really.

  It was like falling asleep. It happened slowly, then all at once. Food stopped tasting good. Everything I read—even The Hunger Games—failed to grab my attention. Class was boring. Parties, hangouts, and study sessions stopped appealing.

  I didn't hang out with anyone but Emma.

  And I didn't even want to see Emma. It was some combination of her insistence and inertia that got me watching Disney movies at her place every afternoon.

  Otherwise, I didn't do anything but go to school and work. But even that felt so hard. Like there was always a ten-pound weight on my chest.

  I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I didn't even want Brendon.

  I was empty.

  I started seeing a therapist. According to her, I have high functioning depression. Instead of falling apart and doing nothing, I channel my self-loathing into achieving.

  Apparently, it's my broken brain. Instead of telling me I'm not good enough, it latches onto grades. They aren't good enough. But then they never are. Even when they're straight As.

  It took a while to find an anti-depressant that took the edge off without dulling me completely. The first one made me tired. The second kept me from coming. The third gave me nightmares. This one is tolerable. It pushes all those thoughts about hurting myself to the back of my head.

  If I keep up my routine—healthy diet, not too much sugar, just enough caffeine, cardio every day, journaling every night—those ugly thoughts stay at bay.

  But they never go away.

  And they never will.

  I'm broken.

  I'll always be broken.

  I've accepted it, mostly.

  But no one else has. No one else knows.

  If they find out, they'll leave.

  So, I keep it to myself. I keep all my writing—the poems, the stories, the journal entries—to myself.

  Fan fiction is fine, but anything personal—that's mine.

  I write things from my heart all the time. Words get caught in my throat and I spill my guts on the page. It's like that expression. How do you write? It's easy. You just cut yourself and bleed on the page.

  Only there's nothing in the expression about guarding your scars with your life.

  Writing in my journal makes me feel at peace.

  Writing, period, makes me feel at peace.

  It's my favorite thing in the world.

  But I'm not brave or foolish enough to share it with anyone.

  That means it's staying a hobby.

  That means it's staying mine.

  I fall back on my bed. It's still covered in my Little Mermaid bedspread. I've had it since I was a kid. Emma's addiction to Disney movies is contagious. I love all the Disney princesses too. Every one of them.

  But there's something special about Ariel. She knows exactly what she wants. She's fascinated by the human world. Even though it's strange and foreign, she wants to be a part of it. And she's willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Even give up her family. Her home. Her voice.

  I want to be that bold.

  That sure of myself.

  But here—my journal—is the only place I can really hear my voice.

  I bring my pen to the page and I let all the ugly thoughts in my head flow through my pen.

  I want to show this to someone.

  No, not to so
meone.

  To him.

  But there's too much risk. He might run in the other direction.

  One day, I'll be brave enough to open my heart.

  I close my journal and trace the Latin saying scribbled over the back.

  Serva Me, Servabo Te.

  Save me and I'll save you.

  I want that. One day.

  But it's as much of a fairy tale as The Little Mermaid.

  Chapter 7

  Kaylee

  I'm still in my pajamas, fixing coffee and tea, when Brendon knocks on the door.

  "Hey." His steady voice flows through the wood.

  "Give me a minute." I've worn this exact outfit at his place a hundred times. But right now it feels too revealing, too personal.

  I move to my room, grab the outfit I laid out last night. High-waisted shorts and a v-neck t-shirt. Cute. Flattering. Practical.

  I change as quickly as I can, dart back to the door, pull it open. "Hey."

  Light surrounds him like a halo. It casts highlights over his dark hair and his strong shoulders.

  God, his shoulders are bare.

  He's wearing a muscle tank and shorts. It would look douchey on anyone else. On Brendon, it screams trace all the lines of the ink running down my shoulders. Don't you want these arms around you? Don't you want every bit of everything I have to give?

  I can't have that.

  I can't have a single bit of it.

  It would kill Emma.

  Even if it wouldn't, Brendon doesn't want someone broken. He ends all his "relationships" when things get complicated.

  He nods to the boxes sitting in the living room. "I'll start loading."

  I motion to the carafe on the counter. "Coffee first?"

  "Coffee after."

  "As long as I can have tea first."

  "I'd never deprive you."

  He's talking about tea, but my body doesn't catch the nuance.

  My skin tingles. My stomach flutters. Heat spreads down my torso, collecting at the apex of my thighs.

  I allow myself a moment to gawk as he picks up the first box and carries it to his car. Okay, then the second.

  He shoots me an are you going to watch or help look.

  I make my way to my bedroom and finish my last bits of packing. It's just clothes now. I have a lot of them. Nothing compared to Emma, but when my entire bed is covered with a quarter of my wardrobe...