“We’ll give it some thought,” he temporized, relieved when she nodded, giving him a searching glance but saying nothing further.
She moved past him, and he caught her around the waist. “I’ll be up shortly.”
“I’m going to take a bath. Alone.” She wagged a finger at him.
“You’re okay?” He stared into her eyes. His cock twitched at the recollection of the hot, tight channel it had plumbed, Kate accepting him willingly once he’d carefully prepared her. But it had been a long time for her, and she was probably tender.
“I definitely have a reminder.” She laughed quietly. “Carter, it’s not something we’ll do on a regular basis, but there’s nothing sexual I won’t try with you. You make it good for me. You’re not a selfish lover.”
She’d come so hard, she strangled his cock, so there was truth to her words. But he was selfish in other ways and couldn’t seem to address that. He ignored the point and dropped a kiss on her lips, taking a little taste. “You may regret that promise, Kate. I have some wicked fantasies.”
“And so do I.” With a wink, she disengaged and left him with a semi and a pricked conscience. An altogether uncomfortable sensation, neither of which was going to be resolved soon.
Turning off the light, he hovered in the doorway for a moment, the lights on the electronics pinpoints of illumination in the dark space. It occurred that Kate had shone far more light on him.
He strode to the stairs, resolving to do more for her. He slowed and stared at the wasted space Kate had referenced the other day. It was a suggestion made diffidently, but he could tell she’d given it some thought.
The kitchen upgrades were a no brainer, practical. A half bath downstairs was something he’d never considered, and her comments about convenience for guests had made him shelve the idea. Company wasn’t something he envisioned or wanted.
But that didn’t mean a downstairs bathroom wouldn’t be convenient for Kate. He hadn’t misled Lisa when he’d promised to try to ensure her mom’s happiness.
Chapter Twelve
“Carter around?” Lisa dropped into a chair and reached for the coffee Kathleen poured for her.
“He’s out on some issue with the cattle.”
“I had no appreciation of how busy life on a ranch is. Twenty-four seven.” Lisa spooned sugar with a lavish hand, lucky with her weight and metabolism. She smiled and grabbed the cell on the table. “His phone!”
“Do you want something more than coffee?” Kathleen was a bit tired. Having her daughter around was wonderful, but with all the things she had to get done, it meant finding additional hours in the day. Carter had made an enormous effort to show Lisa around, too.
“I’m good, Mom.” Lisa poked at the phone. “He took a video of me on that darling horse yesterday. I’d like you to see it before we head back to the city. It should be here someplace. He doesn’t have a lot stored. Here’s one.”
A man’s voice filled the room, emanating from the phone. Not Carter’s but close. Deke’s?
“Welcome to The Roaring R. As you can see, the house is sturdy but somewhat lacking in amenities and the touch of a knowledgeable female hand. And the owner, Carter Rodgers has definite qualifiers for the job. No exceptions. Older woman, plain Jane, definitely no rug rats, no romantic aspirations. He requires a woman prepared to work herself to the bone for nothing other than—”
“Asshole. You think that’ll entice the right woman? It’ll take more finesse than that.” Carter’s angry tone talked over his brother.
The video ended abruptly with both Kathleen and Lisa staring at it.
“What was that?” Lisa finally whispered. She reached to play it again, but Kathleen stayed her hand.
“Don’t.” She’d already committed it to memory.
Lisa peered at the date and recited it. A cold fist squeezed Kathleen’s heart. She’d met Carter within days of that video. Her brain scurried around, connecting the dots. The circumstances could never have been predicted, but it was like the ad had been written for her personally. Had he and Deke laughed about it? About her? She sure fit the bill.
“Mom. He’s not describing you.”
Ah, her sweet girl. Thank God she got her looks from her dad’s side of the family. “I know.”
“You said he was looking for help. You just came along at the right time.”
She sure had. Like pennies from heaven. Carter kept saying he couldn’t believe his luck—and then he had the opportunity to have her fill the position long-term. With benefits.
Okay, she had to think rationally. Not let that video put thoughts in her head that weren’t applicable. What exactly doesn’t apply? She shivered. The timing. And Carter wasn’t the type to take advantage. Her reaction was all on her.
“Mom?” Lisa studied her hands. “I thought he liked me.”
Her shaky thoughts stabilized instantly. “He does!”
“But he said no rug rats.”
“He didn’t say that. We don’t know what he’d have said, exactly.” She blindly defended Carter, for her daughter’s sake. “And you’re hardly a rug rat. It’s little kids he gets anxious about.”
Not that he talked about it. She witnessed it and made suppositions from things she’d pieced together, had overheard. His insistence on birth control. How he closed off around his nephews. His attitude toward marriage. Secrets. Her belly roiled, and she told herself to get a grip.
He made her happy. She was happy here. What right did she have to expect more?
Lisa shook her head, her coffee forgotten. “He’s strained around me, like he has to make a supreme effort. I put it down to, you know, him being with my mom. But he never hangs around when you and I are together. I just thought about that.”
Did he resent a parent-child bond? Envy it? Did it disturb and hurt him? Of course, it did. A flicker of impatience grew—he could turn to her and hadn’t. He avoided.
“I—”
“You don’t have to defend him, Mom. It’s not me he loves.”
Her world came crashing down with that simple assertion, and she stared blindly out the window at the horizon. No romantic aspirations… They’d been together for what felt like a lifetime. Saw one another pretty much every day and night. She’d done an exemplary job for him on all fronts—he said so regularly. The sex was a very important part of their relationship, and it didn’t feel skeevy with the boss slash employee overtones.
But her far-less-experienced child had coined it, even if she got it backward. Kathleen loved Carter. Carter didn’t love her. He wouldn’t let himself. He trusted her with his business, his home, and his body, but not with his heart. He kept that part of him separate, under wraps.
She’d felt it, recognized it, the secrets he kept, and the certain distance he built and protected yet had accepted it—because she loved him. And love inspired hope. But was nothing without trust.
She sighed and pushed to her feet, hoping her revelation wasn’t written all over her face. She’d been the proverbial ostrich in the sand, lying to herself.
“Mom, what’re you going to do?”
“Nothing.” She forced a smile and tried to order her thoughts. “Are you packed? I think I need a day in the city.”
“You aren’t going to ask him about all that stuff? ’Cause even if he didn’t say it out loud, it seems weird to me.”
“Not right now.”
“You need to talk. Something about this has hit you hard.” Her voice quavered a bit. She’d been hit too, and it broke Kathleen’s heart.
She put on her mom voice, the better to keep them both strong. “Lisa, I said not right now. Can you give me this?”
Her daughter considered her, face flushed and dark eyes flaring. “You’re not thinking he used you. Are you?” Such a good kid—she’d moved from her own hurt feelings to thinking about her mother.
Despite her rational side, it somehow felt that way. But it was only her finally wising up to the truth of their relationship that allowed the feeling. Trying to
save her pride. Carter hadn’t promised her his heart. Maybe she was someone he couldn’t fall in love with.
“I need some time. I’m emotional right now.” As sad as it was, she was too uncomfortable to share her revelation, least of all with her daughter.
Lisa nodded. “Right. Okay. Then we should leave before he gets back. I can’t fake anything right now. Is that okay?”
It was perfect. And she wasn’t too proud to hide behind her daughter’s request. She couldn’t fake it either. Maybe she’d learned avoidance from Carter.
While Lisa ran up to pack, Kathleen cleared the table, stacking the dishwasher. At least he sprang for the unit, a snide inner voice sneered. Her hands moved automatically, red and rough from hard use. Something she’d been fine with until that video. She felt like one of his cows, put to use until she wore out.
With a shake of her head, she dispatched the thought. She was being ridiculous. She’d walked in with her eyes wide open, grateful for the offer. Rescued, after a fashion. And she hadn’t minded the work, the grind. She really hadn’t minded being in Carter’s bed, regardless of no romantic notions.
She’d thought it was reciprocal, though he hadn’t voiced it. He’d shown it though, she’d believed it until that video… Her brain was totally muddled. She was mixing apples and oranges. But she started to wonder if the Carter she knew was really someone else and not merely a man with more than a few secrets.
“Ready.” Lisa hefted her duffel.
She couldn’t just walk out. “I need to leave a note. Can you get my purse, my phone and charger, and my laptop? Throw some underwear and my makeup kit in a bag, maybe a clean shirt.” Her mind raced.
“You’re leaving him?”
She’d taught Lisa to face things and deal with them, not run away. The hypocrisy seethed—she’d quit her bookkeeping job without notice and now this. She was starting a new trend. Once a year, she’d uproot her life.
“I need some space for a bit. I’m figuring some things out that are really powerful.”
Lisa’s bottom lip trembled. “What are they?”
“I’ll tell you when I know. I will.”
“Okay.” She sounded like she had when in elementary school, believing her mom would solve the mystery of bullying girls at school. She ran back upstairs.
Kathleen penned a quick missive. Carter’s cell was obviously on the table, so it meant not texting him and him heading back to make his farewells to Lisa. Who’d really liked him. And he’d seemed to like her daughter. Definitely no rug rats…
She was so disillusioned, so hurt, but she couldn’t make sense out of it all yet. On wooden legs, she pulled a lasagna and garlic bread out of the freezer and stuck them in the fridge. Carter could feed the men lunch, and there was the crockpot of stew simmering for supper. She wouldn’t renege on her responsibilities. And there was the misplaced bitterness again.
It was important to stay strong and not fall victim to words that didn’t apply to her. Her self-esteem had to stay intact.
Washing her hands, she then tightened her ponytail and squared her shoulders. She’d faced worse in her life, though this too was a kind of death. Carter can’t love me. It cut like a knife.
They took the Jeep. With his usual generosity, Carter had insisted that a local mechanic do some necessary repairs while Lisa visited and it’d been delivered the day before. If he noticed she hadn’t taken the truck, he might wonder, but she’d cross that bridge when she came to it.
She knew the message she was giving herself, driving back with Lisa, leaving the truck, but she told herself she wanted her daughter’s company. Partial truth.
“How’re you doing?” Lisa peered at her, for once not on her phone.
“One minute at a time.”
“Like with Daddy.” Her daughter’s voice was pensive. Kathleen had talked about Samuel a lot.
“Not quite the same.”
She willed the miles away. Sam hadn’t sucked her into a relationship under false pretenses, or with ulterior motives, however well-masked, knowing he could never offer her anything else. But both had broken her heart.
“I feel so bad for you.”
Taking a deep breath, she said, “I had a pretty good year, honey. Remember how we chalk things up to experience?”
“He broke your heart, didn’t he? I don’t understand. It’s all coincidence.”
If she denied it, what would Lisa learn from it? She had to try to explain. “You’re right. It’s coincidental.” It was, right? “And if I was secure in my relationship with Carter, I’d laugh it off. Talk to him about it, and we’d laugh.”
“But? Is it the rug-rat thing? Because you don’t have to protect me, remember?”
“I want to punch him for that,” she said honestly. “Moms don’t like it when their babies get hurt. But intellectually, I know it’s not about you, or what you and I share. It’s about Carter, and he can’t let it go.”
“Because of his little boy.”
“I think so.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t know the details.”
“He hasn’t told you?” Her daughter’s voice was incredulous. “Don’t couples share those things?”
She blinked away a wash of tears in order to see the road. Out of the mouths of babes… “Usually.” Her voice, despite her efforts, trembled.
“Oh. Oh.” Lisa hiccupped. “Why not?”
She couldn’t answer, couldn’t form the words.
“Mom? Doesn’t he know you? Doesn’t he know you’d help?”
Helpless, she concentrated on not crying and staying safe on the road.
Lisa subsided into silence, didn’t bombard her with further questions. She didn’t know what conclusions she’d drawn, but Kathleen couldn’t talk about trust. Or love. She was failing her daughter because the yawning hurt crippled her.
Finally, she said, “Hearts heal, you know. Sometimes you have to take the chance, and treasure the time you have.”
“Do they heal twice?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“I won’t tell anyone.”
Kathleen blinked, taking her stare off the road. “Excuse me?”
“That you fell in love with someone who doesn’t trust you.”
She pulled over, maneuvering the vehicle far over on the shoulder. As she put the truck into park, she looked into her adult child’s eyes. The child who was so bright and aware of the human dynamic. “I’m not ashamed, Lisa. I didn’t do anything to be ashamed of. I followed my heart. I don’t know if Carter can love anyone, but for all of that, he’s a good man.”
Lisa’s eyes filled with tears and spilled over. “I didn’t mean to add to—”
“You didn’t. I just wanted to be clear.” She hugged her girl, an awkward embrace over the console, and Lisa hugged her back.
She took a few deep breaths before pulling out into traffic and getting up to speed. Lisa put the radio on to some oldies channel, and they halfheartedly sang along to some familiar tunes. Just like when Lisa was little.
Def Leppard’s “Foolin’” filled the vehicle, and she tried not to attach any significance to the lyrics. Carter thought there was somebody out there but for different reasons than she had—and she hadn’t even been hoping! Life was cruel. And sucked.
“Maybe it was meant to be,” Lisa said, interrupting a duet.
“Hmmm?”
“Us hearing that video.”
She’d thought of that. It had forced her to think outside of the box, and to look inside at what she and Carter shared. It was a lot, and for the most part, pretty wonderful. She had to decide if it was enough, was all. And she couldn’t do that around him. She had to heal the sting to her pride that she’d allowed. Her, and nobody else.
“It could be,” she agreed. “Things tend to happen for a reason, as the saying goes. I just need a little time to figure things out.”
“For real?”
“For real. I promise.”
They drew u
p to the house, and she gratefully switched off the ignition. Emotionally drained said it all, and she was glad to be home. Except it didn’t feel like home.
“I’ll stay overnight. I have a few things to do.” She looked around, noting with some pride that her child and her roommates had cared for the place. Which might become where she laid her head again. The extra bedroom that was actually the den would come in handy. If she queered the girls’ game, they’d have to live with it for a while.
She texted Carter, mostly out of courtesy, telling him she’d decided to stay overnight. He responded almost immediately.
Bad timing. I’ve got that buying trip tomorrow. Missed seeing Lisa off, sorry. And I’ll miss you for the next few days.
The little heart emoji at the end punched her in the gut. She remembered when Merry had shown him that, teasing him. And he’d affixed it to all his texts to her afterward. Did he know what it meant to some people?
Safe travels and good business.
She couldn’t make herself send anything else and set her phone aside. Plain Jane. Her breath left in a whoosh as she stomped on the negativity. He’d never made her feel like that.
With Lisa catching up with Nola and Mallory, she decided to plan out an alternate future—just in case. Opening her laptop, she began her busywork, a search, compartmentalizing her feelings, focusing. Within a couple of hours, she’d located several likely possibilities and set to compiling a resume.
She’d never ask Carter for a reference, of course, but George would provide her one. The older man had packed it in last month and was now living with his daughter, his body no longer capable of working on the ranch.
They’d forged a friendship of sorts, the cranky old guy and the woman who fed him and coaxed him into taking his meds. He’d give her one. She’d wing the bookkeeping one.
There was a number of companies who wanted substitute bookkeepers on retainer, so she could do books at night. She could sleep in the den, Lisa’s roommates’ rent covering taxes and maintenance. They might want to stay for next year. If not, she’d figure something out. Lisa’s tuition was covered, thanks to her savings, though in retrospect, she might have been too optimistic.
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