Her breath soughed in and out of her chest as she reined herself back in. She wasn’t going to second-guess her decision, any of them, even knowing they were based solely on emotion. Though she should have let Carter pay in advance like he wanted to. Lord knew she’d earned her keep—across the board. She winced as she fell back into that mode of thinking.
She refused to feel ashamed. She hadn’t earned it that way. Mostly. Her belly roiled, and bile scaled her throat. God. That was what Lisa meant about shame. Maybe. She wasn’t asking for confirmation.
So, if she decided to leave the ranch and Carter, she was up for it. Definitely.
“We’re heading out, Mom.” The girls were dressed for clubbing. “Unless you want me to stay home.” Her daughter studied her carefully.
Kathleen smiled. “Of course not. Have a good time. Stay safe.” No way was she going to give her kid the idea she was struggling.
With a chorus of goodbyes, she saw them off and pondered the quiet of the small house. It wasn’t really silent, not with the traffic around and other city noises, but there wasn’t the sound of men shouting in the yard or stomping into the house. Talking around the table. Carter giving her a smile, shooting her those looks. She decided she didn’t miss it and put a small meal together.
Toast and cheese, a cup of tea, and she was good. A little mindless TV and an early night before she made the drive back to the ranch and put her house there in order. Maybe she’d know what she was going to do by the time she got there.
The pullout couch in the den was lumpier than she remembered, but she stretched out, weary to the bone from fighting the inevitable. Staying strong for her girl. The tears scalded her face during the deluge, soaking her hair and the pillow and the few sobs she allowed herself shook her entire body. When had she last cried?
She heard the girls come home, giggling and shushing one another, but stayed silent. Lisa was still her baby, and until Kathleen knew the face she could wear and live with, she wasn’t showing her cards.
Chapter Thirteen
The house felt vacant, disused, when she let herself in early the next day, though she knew it was her imagination. She’d left the city at the crack of dawn, knowing Carter would have left even earlier. She needed the time, still uncertain.
First things first, she donned a pair of gloves and checked the garden, and took some of the weeds over to toss in with the chickens. Santiago strutted and advised her that pickings were slim as his ladies hustled out to explore the greens and the feed she distributed.
After replenishing their water, she gathered the eggs, keeping a wary eye on the rooster, leaving the ones under a couple of hens who were brooding. Right there, in the yard, viewing her namesakes, she accepted that she couldn’t stay. Chicken.
One of the hands would need to take over the task of the henhouse, and she regretted causing more work. She winced at the thought of not seeing the chicks. But they could do as they liked when she left—Merry was entranced with the birds and would probably give them a good home.
Wandering around the house, she examined her decision. Not because she fit the parameters of what he’d required, however that had all come together. She was okay with it, proud of her contribution here. She loved the ranch. But with the blinders inadvertently torn off, she wanted more. And deserved it. So did Carter, but she wasn’t responsible for his revelations, only her own.
She worked methodically, putting together two weeks’ worth of casseroles and pans of food, all easy to reheat and serve, and none too eclectic—after cleaning the kitchen from breakfast. The men obviously could fend for themselves, if the food hadn’t been cooked well, and they’d left the mess in the sink.
She trailed her fingers over the countertops, the butcher block warping and showing its age. New ones were on order, a lighter shade with more grain, and she wouldn’t have minded seeing them installed.
As things baked and simmered, she cleaned the rest of the house, gathering up her things as she went, putting them in piles. Her heart sat like a stone in the middle of her chest, and her stomach pinched, but she continued on, steadfastly thinking about nothing Carter-related.
Unable to face the hands at supper, she excused herself, citing illness, and hid out in her room. Their room. She could smell Carter, his soap and the scent that was uniquely his, and it drove her to wait it out in one of the spare rooms, staring out the window into the dusk.
She crept downstairs to find the kitchen empty—and the dishwasher stacked. The table was streaked with moisture, so someone had wiped it down. Tears filled her eyes at the thoughtfulness, sorry she’d worried the guys. Tomorrow morning was going to be difficult—maybe she could leave before they came in from the range to eat…
Carter called her, and knowing she couldn’t carry on a conversation without revealing her angst, she declined the call, choosing to text him later. They had a stilted—and brief—communication in that fashion, with her suggesting she was tied up, updating his quarterly return.
She ensured everything was up to date in the office, so as not to be called a liar, and typed him a note. It took determination, but she added a line that took a long time to compose. She owed him the truth as best as she could frame it without attacking him. And without saying it to his face.
Carter. I’ve gone back home to pick up my career, and maybe pursue one in the culinary arts. I didn’t have the strength to tell you to your face, and I’m sorry. It’s because I found I wanted all of you and was afraid I’d ask too much. I couldn’t spoil what we had.
She signed it with love, finding her courage in one aspect, at least.
Tucking it in an envelope, she set it on his desk, his name boldly written across the front, and left the room without looking back.
Unable to resist, she slept in the big bed that night, taking in everything Carter despite his absence. She’d slept without him, of course, when he was away, but this was so very different. She stole his pillow and bunched it in her arms, burying her face in the smooth cotton. Aching, she did another soul search, coming up with the same answer.
Rising after a fitful sleep, she left breakfast for the hands and made the trip into town.
“Ms. Walker.” Mr. Phillips—Aaron to his friends—beamed at her as he pulled open the door.
“I know it’s not what we planned, but is it possible he’s ready? I don’t want to rush the process. But … I’m going away and might not be back in time.”
Toeing into his shoes, Aaron led the way to the side door on his attached garage. “Elsie’ll probably be glad to see the back of him. He’s the ringleader.”
They moved inside, and a Blue Heeler bitch rose from her bed in a pen in the corner. A chorus of high-pitched barks filled the air, and one puppy threw himself at the fencing in an attempt to get to them before his mother did.
“That’s your boy. Ready to go.”
“He’s grown so much!”
“He’ll need shots and such, but then you’ve got a vet handy.” Aaron reached into the pen and lifted the solid little body out. “Here you go.”
She cradled the pup, who initially squirmed before settling into her chest, a tiny pink tongue lashing her chin. She reached a hand into her jeans and handed over an envelope. “Hope cash is okay.”
“Spends fine.” With a pat on the bitch’s head, he followed Kathleen out and shut the door firmly. Elsie didn’t make a sound.
“You’re sure it’s not too soon?” She threw an anxious glance back at the shed.
“I prefer nine weeks before separating them, but it’s close. And he’s fine. Elsie has the rest of the litter, and she’s clearly not upset. The pup will have a good home.” He smiled at the way she cuddled the dog close.
Guilt bit her. Carter would be home in a couple of days, but she’d have to depend on the hands to care for the little guy in the interim. She’d see him settled in and leave directions, yet it still pinched. The thought of Carter having company again eased the change in the timetable. She was leavi
ng and needed to be flexible.
“Thanks, Aaron. I’m sure you’ll see the little rascal in the future.”
“He’s a surprise, eh?” He walked her to the car where she firmly set the puppy in a crate.
“He is.” Carter was in for more than one.
Waving, she drove away with the cattle dog puppy, her gift to Carter, a tangible one he might care about as he’d done with Jasper.
Besides the crate, she’d purchased a dog bed online, plus all the accouterments a dog might need, storing them in one of the spare rooms, the better to keep the surprise. Carter would train the pup his own way, but she’d ensured he had everything at hand.
As she parked, the ginger barn cat, now grown, flew across the yard toward the barn. It was a good thing she hadn’t been allowed to have it in the house. It would have been another worry. She saw Josh and motioned him over.
“I got Carter a cattle dog.”
The young man smiled widely. “It’s about time we had another dog on the property.” He lifted out the crate. “Where do you want him?”
“Let him explore the back yard, but after, the mudroom.”
“Is that why you put up the pen in the back? Not for ducks?”
Despite her core of sadness, she laughed. Carter had hidden his shock and indulged her. Like with the chickens, though no one complained about the fresh eggs. Eating the hens themselves still hadn’t come up. Not that she’d planned on raising ducks, the idea merely made a good cover.
“He can use the crate as a dog house out back for now during the day, at least until he learns where he can go and where he can’t. I’ve got toys and things for him. But he’ll sleep in the mudroom.” She took a breath. “Can I count on you to look after him until Carter gets back?”
“Uh, sure.”
“I’m heading into the city, but it was time for the pup to leave its mother.” The partial lie tripped off her tongue.
“I’ll do it.” He let the puppy out, and it tumbled over itself to sniff his boots and began to explore its surroundings. They both kept a watchful eye.
“Thanks for taking the time. I’ll set food and water out in the pen and inside. And newspapers.” She was tormented about the idea of leaving him alone, so soon removed from his mother and siblings.
Josh grimaced. “The not so much fun about having a puppy. I’ll go by first thing in the morning. Or maybe he can bunk in with us tonight.”
That made her breathe easier. “I’d better go and get lunch organized. Oh, and can you deal with the hens?”
His mouth turned down—nobody liked the rooster. “Sure. Though gathering eggs might be…”
“Overlooked?” She made herself smile.
“Nah, we like the eggs.”
She cautioned him about the sitting hens and left him and the puppy to explore.
The hands rushed the meal to be able to play with the little dog, tossing names around as she struggled with whether to say goodbye to them or not, choosing the coward’s way out. Especially as she couldn’t make herself tell Carter farewell.
The pup crashed, and the guys headed back to work. She barricaded him in the mudroom, not totally optimum, but surely those baby teeth couldn’t do too much damage. And the thick pad of newspapers would do the trick. One thing she didn’t do was spend any time with him, fearing attachment.
After plugging in the crockpot for supper, she cleaned up and reset the table, doing her job for the last time. She’d located all her belongings and packed them neatly into her cases and a couple of boxes before humping them down to set by the front door.
She finished the final touches on the food she’d prepared the day before and ensured everything was sealed. She was putting the last of the containers into the freezer, noting each one with a post-it and on a corresponding sheet for easy reference when Deke came in.
“Kathleen!” He stepped close to kiss her cheek and give one of those hugs she used to welcome.
She eased away, and he blinked. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“That’s the ‘f’ word, honey. When Merry says it I know to run for the hills or figure it out and fix it.”
She shrugged and cursed his timing. A decided whimper filled the silence.
Deke’s head swiveled toward the mudroom. “What’s that?”
“A puppy. A cattle dog.”
A pleased smile creased his face. “You got Carter a dog! It’s been a long time since Jasper.”
And a long time since other things in his life. When he hurt, Carter avoided. She stilled. So was she. She then got a grip, imagining the ugly scene if she shared her revelations with him. And then what? She’d have to leave anyway, and at least this was on her terms.
Deke checked out the pup and professed him healthy. “He’ll be a good-sized dog for the breed. I’ll vaccinate him tomorrow if you like.”
“Maybe wait until Carter gets back. It’ll only be a day or so. In case he has a reaction to the shots. Someone needs to be around.” She’d done her share of reading.
At his puzzled look, she turned away and stuck the sheet about the prepped food on the fridge. He sidled up and studied it.
“Forty-two meals. Breakfast, lunch, and supper. You going someplace?”
“It’s my two-weeks’ notice.”
He stilled, his head tilting like Carter’s did, and her heart hurt. “You’re giving notice? Like … leaving?”
“Correct.”
“What the fuck? Does Carter know? Did he do something? What the hell, Kathleen?” He paced the kitchen, peering at her, his voice a near-shout. The pup whimpered louder.
“He doesn’t know. I’ve left him a note.” She lifted a shoulder. “I confess I’m a coward, leaving like a thief in the night.”
“What did he do?” He looked fierce, his hands clenching. “You’re the best thing that happened to him.”
Her involuntary huff of laughter made him stiffen. “I know. I stepped into the thick of it, remember?”
“You were the answer to his prayers,” he insisted.
She flinched, despite herself.
“What?” He took her elbow. “What did Carter do?”
It’s what he doesn’t do. Can’t do. “He didn’t do anything. But you should know, I saw the video the pair of you did to recruit a housekeeper.”
“What?” His head swung from side to side. “That … that was a video he made. Months ago, right? I was giving him the gears. He was looking for—”
“I know what he was looking for, Deke. I fit the bill. Perfectly. It was like a sign, huh?” And it was a catalyst.
“Wait, Kathleen. Just hang on. It’s not like that.”
She softened her tone, too tired to emote. “I know, Deke. I know. Though Lisa might not forgive him. I got upset over her reaction. She’s sensitive to being called a rug rat.”
“Lisa.” He frowned. “Carter didn’t mind having her here. She’s a nice kid.”
“Unless he had to be within proximity of the both of us at the same time.” She bit her lip. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” From the look on Deke’s face, he’d connected the dots that led back to little Justin and a part of Carter mired in the past. Right along with a part of him that couldn’t love her.
“He’s never talked to you—”
“Deke.” The next thing, he’d be breaking the code of silence about Carolynn and would be disloyal to his brother—on account of her. She couldn’t let him do that. And she might lose control of herself and proclaim her feelings for Carter—out loud.
He clammed up and stood there, looking dejected.
She hung the dishtowel over the oven door handle and trudged to the foyer. He followed, hard on her heels. “You’re really walking out. Carter’ll be destroyed.”
Steeling herself against his accusation, she said, “He’s got two weeks to find another housekeeper.” He owed her for the office work, but it didn’t matter. “Josh will take care of the puppy and the chickens.”<
br />
“In the middle of all this, you’re still thinking of Carter.” He puffed a loud breath.
“I arranged for the puppy a while ago.”
He waved her explanation away, returning to the offensive. “You’re more than a housekeeper to him, Kathleen. And to us. To me and Merry and the kids. To the community.”
She shuddered as if before a physical blow. “People move on, Deke.”
“He won’t want that. We don’t. And I don’t think you really want it. Are you going back to the city?”
The thought of it was depressing, but she nodded. Hadn’t she made a plan? There was no one to make her an offer this time around.
“Call him. Give him a chance,” he urged.
She stared at him. “He’s on a buying trip.”
“And you’re not more important than that?”
She would have replied in the affirmative to his question—before. Carter had put her first—before. But she couldn’t do this on the phone. And she couldn’t stay and do it here, face-to-face, anticipating his reaction. All she had left was her pride.
She shook her head, and he made an exasperated sound eerily like his brother’s.
She surveyed her belongings. It was pathetic, the paltry amount of stuff she had to take with her. But then, all her furniture was in the house she’d shared with Samuel and what had she needed here? They never went anywhere, so her comfortable clothes sufficed. Her power outfits were fortunately in the cedar closet in the old house in the event she might require them for interviews.
She left the riding gear Carter bought her, and the few odds and ends, the bits and pieces of jewelry he’d given her. She had no use for them in the city, needed no reminders. To be fair, he’d have been much more generous had she allowed it. All she’d wanted was him… All of him.
A smirk twisted her lips. Too late. You couldn’t live your life looking backward.
“I’ll give you a hand.” Deke lifted what she would have had to return for and followed her out to the Jeep, seemingly having accepted her decision. But then, he wasn’t the one to challenge it.
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