Return to Bluebell Hill

by Rebecca Pugh

  ‘I’m sorry, Jessica. I truly am, but from what I was told, you were better off here with Miriam, rather than with your mother.’

  ‘How do you know that? You never met her.’

  ‘Neither have you,’ Esme replied quietly, trying to be reasonable. ‘I can’t tell you more, Jessica. I wish I could, but the details are patchy and it was such a long time ago now. The facts I know which are concrete are that you came here, and your mother handed you over to Miriam. That’s all I can give you, and I can’t apologise enough for that. Like I said before, I never expected to be the one who told you all of this. It was always meant to be Miriam. Not me. It’s unfair that the responsibility landed on my shoulders, and in a way, I’m angry at them for leaving it to me. Which I know is completely unfair. It wasn’t their fault that they were taken too early, but I can’t help but feel that way. I love you as if you were my own, Jessica. I always have and always will.’

  Jessica slowly massaged her temples, eyes closed so tightly that shapes were beginning to dance behind them, and allowed the words Esme had just spoken to sink in. After another few moments of silence, she blinked in the brightness of the sun, and exhaled loudly. ‘Those postcards have an address on.’ She watched Esme steadily for a reaction as she spoke. ‘Do you think she’d still be at that address? Do you think there’s even the tiniest chance that she hasn’t moved on since sending the postcards?’

  ‘Who knows,’ Esme said. ‘It’s been a very long time. Anything could have happened since then, dear.’

  ‘It was just a thought.’ Jessica shrugged and picked at her nails.

  ‘I’m sorry you found out this way. I promise you that it was never meant to be like this. I swear to you, Jessica. I swear to you on my own life.’

  ‘It shouldn’t have been loaded onto your shoulders,’ Jessica said after a pause. She was sure about that much. Her parents should have told her themselves. Poor Esme. ‘It wasn’t for you to tell me and I’m sorry that it turned out this way.’

  ‘Will you go to Paris?’ Esme asked, sitting up straighter in her seat.

  ‘I have no idea. I’m not entirely sure of anything right now. It’s all a hideous mess. It’s always been a bit of a mess whenever this place has been involved though, hasn’t it?’ Jessica turned to look out across the gardens, giving herself a moment to calm down. ‘What about this place? Bluebell House? What will happen to it now?’

  ‘Bluebell House still firmly remains in your possession. I suspect you’ll want it gone as soon as possible after finding all of this out. I wouldn’t blame you.’

  Jessica thought about it, then nodded. ‘You’re right. I do.’ She rose from the seat and turned to look at Esme. She’d never felt more concrete in regards to her decision in selling Bluebell House. This had only strengthened her decision. ‘I’m not angry with you, Esme.’

  She looked at the kind old face of the woman who had nurtured and cared for her throughout her childhood. Esme had bathed and dressed her as a child, read books to her until she’d fallen to sleep, made her hot chocolates and taught her nursery rhymes.

  ‘But I am disappointed.’ She turned back towards the doors and stepped into Bluebell House. ‘I’m leaving tomorrow. I need time away from here. I need to think about everything that’s happened. I need to go home.’

  She left Esme alone out on the porch.

  ***

  ‘Hey.’ Jessica pulled open the front door and stepped aside for Rueben to enter. It was getting late but the summer sky was still light outside.

  ‘Hey yourself.’ Rueben held up the bottle of wine in his hand. ‘I’ve brought this. I thought maybe you’d like a glass after the day that you’ve had. Or, you know, the whole bottle.’

  ‘You thought right,’ Jessica replied, smiling.

  Once in the kitchen, Rueben poured them both a glass. ‘You look knackered,’ he commented as he studied her face with concern. ‘How are you feeling?’

  Jessica sipped on the wine and brushed her hair away from her face. She felt knackered, drained of every ounce of energy. Everything that had been revealed hadn’t truly sunk in yet. It didn’t feel real, but she knew deep down that it was. Perhaps she’d always known.

  ‘Everything just makes perfect sense,’ she said after a while, her head resting on her hand. She didn’t feel like she had enough strength left in her body for her head to remain upright by itself. ‘I mean, all my life I never felt loved or wanted by my pare— Well, by them, and now I know why.’ She shrugged like it didn’t matter in the slightest, but she knew that it did. It mattered a hell of a lot. ‘I wasn’t their child,’ she said to herself. ‘Never had been and never would be. I belonged to someone else. I was someone else’s baby. I feel like that explains why they stayed away from me as much as they did.’ But if that was true, if they’d hated her then why on earth had she ended up there in the first place? If someone didn’t want a child to be their responsibility, then they said no. That was it. It was that simple, wasn’t it?

  Rueben stared down at the floor, unsure of what to say. Nothing he could say would make her feel any better. He felt a bit useless, standing there with a glass of wine when she was going through such a difficult time but he didn’t know what else he could do besides be there for her, and he’d happily do that. ‘So, what happens next?’ He sidled up closer to her and slowly slipped his free hand into hers. He squeezed it once. Jessica glanced down at her hand clasped in his, and allowed it to stay there. She liked the feel of it. She felt safe, protected, but still so bewildered.

  ‘No idea.’ She turned to look at him and swallowed. ‘I honestly don’t know what step to take next. Where on earth would I even go from here?’ She took another sip of wine.

  ‘I don’t blame you at all for feeling that way,’ he replied eventually as he watched her carefully.

  Jessica shook her head. ‘I need to get back to London, I need to see Sarah. She has no idea that all this is going on.’ She laughed lightly. ‘She’s going to hit the roof when I finally let her know. She likes to be aware of everything that’s going on in my life, and I hers. We’re a bit like that. Birds of a feather.’

  Rueben placed his glass down onto the counter and turned Jessica to face him. He took the glass from her hand and placed it next to his own. There was a seriousness in his expression when he turned back to her and it took her by surprise. ‘Will you come back? I’d like to see you again. No, wait. Let me rephrase that. I’d love to see you again. In fact, I’d be pretty devastated if I never saw you again.’ He laughed uneasily.

  She swallowed and blinked, staring at the wall over his shoulder. ‘I don’t know, Rueben. I mean, I—’

  ‘Come on, Jess. You can’t run off into the sunset.’

  She sighed, hating where this conversation was going. ‘Rueben, the chances of me coming back are slim. Really, really slim. It was never my plan to stay here. My intentions were to deal with Bluebell House and then leave. A quick “in and out” job. Bluebell Hill isn’t where I belong. I’ve never belonged here. I don’t think I ever will. Especially not now, anyway.’

  Rueben continued to stare at her. ‘So I might never see you again? Is that what you’re telling me?’ He closed the gap between them and placed his hands on her waist, squeezing her tightly. ‘Is this it?’ He brushed his lips slowly over hers.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she whispered back, beginning to return the touch, dusting her own lips across his. ‘I just don’t know…’

  Rueben kissed her, she kissed him back and before long, he was carrying her, with her legs wrapped tightly around his waist, up the stairs and into the guestroom. He made love to her slowly, drawing out every single moan and gasp, touching, licking, taking control and driving her to the edge again and again. Since their episode in the kitchen, she’d imagined their second time together a million times, but never in her imagination had she imagined it to be so damn divine, never imagined it to be as beautiful as this. Rueben swept away her fears and worries as his fingers danced over her skin a
nd in that moment, she was able to completely forget about everything.

  Afterwards, when Rueben was sleeping soundly beside her, his eyelashes brushing his cheeks, Jessica watched his chest rise and fall steadily, and thought about whether she’d return to see him one day. Her feelings towards him had continued to grow throughout the time they’d spent together, and just like she had feared, now, they were alive and kicking, pulsing through her veins, bringing her senses to life every time he was near. She realised that Rueben added a certain something to her life. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was, but as she drew circles on his chest with her fingertip, she wondered how she’d learn to live without it once she was back in London. Did she want to live without it? She couldn’t make up her mind.

  Once she had exhausted herself with the tumbling thoughts in her mind, she eventually drifted to sleep, curled up to Rueben’s side like a child. Even though he was lost to a deep slumber, he shifted in the bed, and placed his arm around her protectively. She knew then that she was going to miss him like she’d never missed anyone before.

  ***

  The next morning, after fighting with herself internally, she figured that it was best to leave before Rueben woke up and tried to make her stay. She wasn’t sure that she’d be able to say goodbye without doing something ridiculous, like bursting into tears or clinging onto him. She shoved all of her belongings back into her case, took a last look at him sleeping peacefully in the bed, burned it into her memory, and then left, swallowing down the pesky lump in her throat.

  She didn’t linger in Bluebell House, although she did, strangely, place a sentimental hand against the stained-glass panel in the front door once she’d closed it behind her. She studied the glass image of Bluebell Hill and knew, with a particular sense of acceptance, that sooner or later, she would have returned here, whether summoned by her parents’ death or not. With a last look at Bluebell house, she walked backwards across the gravel, wondering if she would return one day. She turned and headed up the lane towards the station. There would be no goodbyes. She’d never liked them anyway.

  During her walk along the lanes, the bluebells cascading down the hill caught her eye as they so often did, and she was reminded of her and Rueben’s kiss in the bluebell woods. Her lips tingled at the memory of it. She thought of him still asleep in Bluebell House, with no idea that she’d left. He’d be upset when he woke up, she was sure of it, but she had things she needed to do. Her journey was nowhere near being over just yet. In fact, she felt sure that this was only the beginning.

  The station came into view, quiet and still as usual, but before she headed inside, she glanced towards the old, splintered bench that sat at the top of the hill. She changed direction in a beat, not quite sure why, and walked slowly towards it. She let go of the suitcase handle as she parked it beside the bench, and stepped forward to the wooden handrail. Bluebell Hill, in all of its English village charm, surrounded by the woods and the fields, looked peaceful from up here. But she knew that it was not peaceful. Beneath its mask, something life-changing had taken place. Her eyes sought out Bluebell House sat proudly in the early morning sunlight. She tried to imagine the day when her mother had handed her over to Miriam McAdams and her husband. She thought of Rueben, fast asleep inside, oblivious to the fact that she was about to leave. She felt the tears prickling her eyes and her grip on the wooden handrail tightened as she tried to force them back.

  ‘Thought you’d slip away unnoticed?’

  Jessica jumped and slammed a hand to her chest, her heartbeat racing. She spun round to find Esme behind her. ‘What are you doing here?’ Jessica gasped, trying to regain her breath. She hadn’t expected anybody else to be up here, least of all Esme. She’d left early on purpose. This was the type of situation that she’d hoped to avoid.

  ‘I know you too well, Jessica McAdams. I think you forget that I’ve known you for as long as I have.’ Esme smiled sadly as she eyed Jessica’s suitcase beside the bench. ‘I knew rather than saying goodbye, you’d try to leave without having to face anyone. I can’t blame you, but I couldn’t let you go with saying goodbye. I bet you haven’t said goodbye to Rueben have you? He’ll be devastated.’

  Jessica turned back to Bluebell Hill. ‘It’s just easier this way,’ she murmured, trying to block the image of a sleepy Rueben from her mind. ‘I don’t know if I’ll be back, and I’m rubbish with goodbyes. It seemed like the best idea. I thought I’d gotten away with it too.’ The tiniest of smirks appeared at the corner of her mouth.

  Esme’s hand moved to rest on her shoulder. She stood beside Jessica to share the view, in the same way they’d done on the first day she’d arrived. ‘You should know me better than that.’

  Eyes glued to the distance, Jessica’s shoulders sagged as she sighed. ‘What a mess.’

  ‘The past is the past, dear. There’s little we can do about it in the present day.’

  She turned to look at Esme. ‘Have I ever been loved?’ She knew she sounded pathetic, but she couldn’t help the question from escaping.

  Esme’s eyes glittered. ‘You’ve always been loved by me. No doubt about it. I loved you as if you were my own, and I’m certain I always will.’ She moved one of her hands along the handrail and placed it on top of Jessica’s. ‘I want you to know that no matter where you go from here, you’ll always be in here.’ Esme placed her other hand over her heart. ‘I was never blessed with children, but you always filled that gap for me. I love you, Jessica. I just want you to know that and I don’t want you to ever forget it. Do you understand me? Never.’

  With tears streaming down her cheeks, she launched herself into Esme’s arms. They embraced, both sniffling as they held each other. Bluebell Hill was visible just behind them, looking as beautiful as it always had. She said goodbye to Esme but didn’t promise that she’d be back. ‘Say goodbye to Rueben for me,’ she called as she began to walk towards the station. ‘Tell him I’m sorry.’ Esme nodded, and Jessica turned away.

  Chapter Twelve

  ‘Jessica, you’re home!’

  Stepping off the train onto the busy platform back in London, Jessica almost fell backwards from the force of Sarah barrelling into her.

  ‘I am,’ she laughed. She received a noisy kiss on her cheek and Sarah bounced on the spot with obvious enthusiasm at her return.

  ‘I have missed you so, so much.’ Sarah stepped back and took a good look at her. ‘You look… different.’

  Frowning, Jessica glanced down at herself. ‘Do I?’

  ‘Yeah. You look,’ Sarah waved her hands about in the air as she tried to find the right word, shaking her head as she did so. ‘You look like you’re glowing, somehow. Are you pregnant?’

  Jessica’s eyes bulged and she shook her head quickly. ‘No! Of course I’m not bloody pregnant.’

  ‘You’re in love then.’ Sarah folded her arms and nodded wisely.

  Shaking her head and discarding the memory of her and Rueben’s lovemaking the night before, Jessica grabbed the suitcase, linked her arm through Sarah’s, and led them off the platform and through the station before the subject could be talked about for a moment longer. It was incredibly noisy and busy with barely enough room to move. Such a stark contrast to the quiet little station back in Bluebell Hill. They sidestepped businessmen and -women, all dressed in their sharp, snappy suits, carrying take-out coffees and briefcases, while barking briskly into mobile phones. Finally, they emerged onto the London street, senses assaulted by traffic noise, chatter and the smell of food. Sarah hailed them a taxi and within ten minutes, they were stepping out and heading into Jessica’s apartment.

  ‘God, it feels good to be home,’ Jessica sighed as she left the suitcase beside the door and shrugged off her jacket. ‘Come on, let’s have a coffee. I have a few things to tell you.’

  ***

  ‘Jess, I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there when all of this happened,’ Sarah said sadly. ‘I mean, it’s a hell of a lot to take in.’ She took a sip of coffee an
d watched Jessica over the top of her cup with concern.

  ‘What’s done is done,’ Jessica said eventually. She refused to acknowledge Sarah’s sympathetic look, not wanting to go down that road yet again. She returned to the hall and pulled two items out of her case. As she walked back into the small but stylish kitchen, she placed the red wristband and the pile of postcards onto the table. She sat back in her seat and drank more coffee while Sarah studied the items with interest.

  ‘This is the wristband?’ Sarah asked quietly. She ran her fingertips over the writing, then switched her attention to the postcards.

  ‘Yep. It’s crazy, isn’t it? This is why I’m so glad to be home. I need some time and space to get my head straight. It’s been a complete mess since stepping foot in that place.’ She took the empty mugs to the sink and rinsed them out. ‘It feels good to be back. Back to normal. I’ll be dealing with Bluebell House from here which I feel much better about. Deb’ll be in touch pretty soon, so I guess I just need to sit and wait.’ She turned round and leant up against the sink, eyeing Sarah who was still studying the wristband and postcards at the table.

  ‘And what about these?’ She asked, holding them up. ‘What are you going to do about your birth mother?’

  ‘Do I need to do anything?’ Jessica asked with a sigh. ‘Like I said, I need some time to get my head straight. It’s been a crazy few weeks. I’ll see how I feel once I’m settled back in.’

  Sarah nodded slowly. ‘That’s a wise decision, Jessica McAdams.’ She stood and walked towards Jessica, only to wrap her arms around her and squeeze her tightly. ‘How about we order take-out, kick back and watch a few chick-flicks? You’ve got wine, right?’

  Jessica grinned. Boy, it was good to be home.

  ***

  It was almost seven weeks later when Jessica returned from a busy day at work and decided to take another look at the evidence of her birth mother’s existence.