The Crashing Series

by Kristen Hope Mazzola

  The first time the five of us all met Todd felt like yesterday to me. It had been the afternoon after a bonfire party that the boys’ fraternity had thrown. It had been Cali’s and my first time ever experiencing hunch punch, and it hadn’t a good morning for either of us. We’d both had a great time at the party—from what we were told—and slept in Randy’s bed that night. We’d apparently kicked him out of it, making him sleep on the floor.

  Cali and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangovers we had ever experienced.

  Walker and Randy had been going to Charlie’s since their freshman year and knew it would be the perfect cure. The guys had had to practically drag us out of bed; Randy actually had to carry me to Walker’s truck. My memory of that morning was a little fogged by the booze that had still been floating through my system, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Randy’s arms was so comforting and addicting to me from that moment on. Making our way out of the fraternity house, we saw Mitch curled up on the couch in the giant foyer. Walker talked him into joining us, and from there the tradition of Charlie’s was born.

  Cali grabbed her beer, holding it up and waiting for me to 'cheers' her. “It’s been too long, Todd. How the heck are ya?” Cali’s bubbly voice had finally returned after her frustration with Walker, and I was glad her mood had shifted back to the normal perky best friend I desperately needed.

  Todd leaned over, putting both elbows on the bar. “Oh, you know. Same shit, different day.”

  Our glasses clanked together and I took a satisfying sip of the sweet Orange Blossom Pilsner. “Oh, Todd, you always remember!” The wonderfully soothing orange honey bubbles tickled my taste buds, softening my jumbled mind and voice.

  “How could I not?” He gawked, using dramatic hand and arm movements as he lisped perfectly. It was so cliché and one of the best things about him. Todd was proud of who he was and never hid it from anyone. “You two used to be here every other day back in college!” A few more bar patrons took seats a few down from us, and Todd excused himself silently to tend to them, rolling his eyes as one of the men snapped his fingers to get Todd’s attention. I gaped at the obnoxious gesture until I saw Todd kiss the guy right on the lips. Cali and I both giggled at the sight and turned away to give them a little privacy.

  “We haven’t been here since before I got the news about Randy.” The realization hit a little softer than usual. Maybe I was starting to heal. Or maybe I was just numb from emotion. I couldn’t really tell. Surprised and thankful the wind hadn’t been taken out of me, I took a deep breath and continued my thought. “Cali, I never believed I would be a widow at twenty-four. Even when Randy shipped off, it never dawned on me that this could have been in the cards for me.”

  She sighed and put her hand on mine. “Yeah, I know. But it’s life, love. Randy knew how dangerous it was going to be. He’s right here, helping you through it. You know that.” Her soft smile was so comforting I simply couldn’t stand it. I knew she was right. Randy always tried to prepare me for the worst when it came to his decision to join the Army, I just never let it sink in.

  “I can hear him now: ‘Hey, kid. Smile! Like it or not, you’re gonna be stuck with me, even if I’m a ghost.’ Man, he was so morbid sometimes.” I grabbed my beer and chugged the entire thing. Todd popped back over with a new OBP for me, asking if we were having our usual burgers to eat, and we both nodded. After putting our orders into his computer, Todd engulfed himself in a deep conversation with his new flavor of the week, always glancing over at our glasses to make sure they weren’t getting anywhere near low.

  Just when I was getting desperate to change the subject, Cali leaned over and sighed. “How’s the new roommate?”

  I shrugged, staring at the painted bar, not knowing how to answer that question without Cali getting furious at me. I felt color burning my cheeks as the words started to form slowly. “Walker is great. It’s awesome to not have to be alone.” I sipped my thick beer, hoping the cool liquid would lessen the crimson flaring on my face and neck. “It’s only been a day, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” My lips betrayed me and turned up into a toothy smile. I failed horribly at forcing it to go away.

  Cali’s voice got rigid, like she could see right through me, as she raised her eyebrow questioningly. “Why do you look like you’re hiding something, Mags?”

  Cali knew me better than anyone, and I was not going to be able to keep my actions from the night before or this morning secret for long. So, with a little bit of reluctance, I told Cali about the cause of my hangover and what had happened that morning.

  Cali’s face went from calm to startled, her jaw hanging wide open as she blinked a few times. To my surprise, Cali sat, listening to my story silently until it was over.

  “So do you like Walker?” Her words were dripping with disapproval and disappointment. She sat up straight in her chair, gripping the backrest and bar top with all her might, restraining herself. She looked like she was about to try to smack sense into me, but thankfully, she didn’t.

  “I really don’t know. I didn’t think so.” Nervously, I started to fumble with the soggy coaster my beer had been sitting on. Right in the nick of time, Todd came over with our two monstrous jalapeno cheddar bacon burgers. I was so thankful for food and the distraction from my story. I had no clue how I wanted to feel about Walker and was not ready to figure it out. I was scared to have feelings for him and scared not to. I was completely torn.

  Every instinct I had was telling me that there was no way I could, with good conscience, have feelings for Randy’s best friend. But there were little butterflies in the pit of my stomach while talking about him to Cali. Confusion was becoming all too familiar to me, and I hated my feelings and confessions more and more as the words dripped out.

  We both put smoky barbecue sauce on our burgers, and Cali picked off her pickles, putting them on my plate. Tossing the pickle chips into my mouth, relief at eating and not talking swam into my grumbling belly. Facing reality about my houseguest—and if he would become more—was pushed off for a little while longer.

  But Cali had other plans for our conversation about my situation. She was going to make me figure everything out right then and there by the look in her eyes.

  “Well.” She was looking up at me, still holding her burger with both hands, barbecue sauce on her chin. “You are going to need to figure this one out soon. How was it kissing him?”

  I frowned, not wanting to discuss it further. “I don’t remember it, Cali. I blacked out.”

  Cali put her burger down and turned her barstool so she could look right at me, frustration building with every word that came out of her mouth. “Margret, you kissed him today. How did it make you feel?”

  Her eyes were boring into me, and I blushed again. “It was amazing while it lasted. His lips are the perfect combination of soft and rugged.” I clasped my hand over my mouth, shocked at my own words.

  Cali turned back to the bar, grabbing her beer again. “Then you have your answer. Go for it. He obviously won’t say no.” The tone in Cali’s voice was dramatic and annoyed, but I knew she meant what she was saying, just reluctantly. She finished her entire beer and signaled to Todd for a refill. Knowing us too well, Todd brought us both beers and left us to continue our conversation.

  With pleading eyes, I looked at her, feeling as if I were about to start falling apart right there onto my plate. “Can’t we just shoot the shit and forget about everything this afternoon? Please?” There was no reason to continue talking about my Walker situation; I’d told him we were just going to be friends, nothing more or less. Why was Cali swooping in now when it was too late, complicating everything?

  Cali grimaced at me. “Mags, I don’t think we can ignore this one. You’ve been hiding from your feelings for too long. Even though I would rather you be with anyone else, at least it’s a start to you moving on. Besides, you don’t like Kyle, and I’m married to the bastard!” Cali paused for a second, her lips softening. With love
rushing into her eyes, she put her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll always be in your corner even if you drive me bat-shit crazy!” We both giggled, and I begrudgingly agreed that if we didn’t have to talk about the subject anymore, I would think about my feelings—or lack thereof—for my roommate.

  After finishing our deliciously messy monster burgers, we gave Todd hugs over the bar and promised him we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

  Cali and I got back into her car in an awkward silence. I felt a little embarrassed about our conversation, so the pause in discussion was warmly welcomed after a few uneasy moments. Luckily, Cali had no intention of pressing me any more on the issue during our girls’ day. We went and got manicured, pedicured, and plucked for the remainder of the late afternoon. We talked about frivolous things with our technicians and mostly giggled during our appointments. It felt fantastic to relax with my best friend.

  Cali dropped me off, rolling down her window as she pulled out of my driveway, calling out after me. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

  I waved her goodbye with a forced “Ha! I’m an angel compared to you!”

  I sighed as I turned to go into my dark, empty house. I flicked on the front room lights, remembering that Walker had plans for the evening. Light feelings of jealousy hit the back of my brain, thinking that he might be out on a date. I had to remind myself that I’d told him hastily that I just wanted to be friends, so whatever he was doing was none of my business. I did find a little comfort in his comment the night before about not dating, then remembering the beginning of that conversation sent me into a momentary fit of jealous rage. What if he’s out screwing that blonde bitch of a bartender from last night? Yuck!

  I collapsed on the couch and tried to figure out what to say to Walker when he finally got home. Do I really have feelings for him? Or is it that I just miss Randy so much? My brain started to hurt with all of my indecisiveness, and I flipped on the TV to try to snuff out the noise in my head. After about a half hour of Laverne and Shirley, my stomach started to growl.

  Opening up my fridge, I stared at the random items, none of them piquing my interest in the slightest. Without a second thought, I grabbed a Chinese food takeout menu out of the drawer—my old standby. I placed an order for delivery, trudging back over to the couch after pouring myself a too-large-to-be-classy glass of Pinot Noir.

  The doorbell rang not too long after, announcing the arrival of my scrumptious junk food. I grabbed my wallet from inside my purse on the table next to the door and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. The familiar smile of my delivery driver beamed at me as he handed me the brown paper bag of greasy food and took my money. He wished me a pleasant evening and left in a rush, practically running to his car.

  I had almost entirely stopped cooking for myself over the last few months, so the pizza and Chinese food delivery guys in the area all knew me pretty well as a good tipper. I smiled down at my bag of General Tso’s chicken and returned to my comfy seat on the couch.

  I started flipping through the channels, trying to find something to distract me as I took out my chopsticks and white to-go boxes. Finally, I settled for some mushy old movie and brought my legs up to sit more comfortably. I could barely watch the movie as I ate, thinking way too much about Walker. It surprised me how much I thought about him, how many things seemed to remind me of him, and how badly I wanted him to be there with me. It almost felt like I was divided right down the middle. Half of me wanted something more with Walker, and the other thought the notion was utterly ludicrous.

  Forcing myself to shut off my brain, I watched the end of the movie, envious of the couple living happily ever after at the end of their drama-filled love affair. I glanced down at my phone, realized it was only eleven thirty, and couldn’t help but wonder when Walker was going to be home. I tried not to think about that and where he was. I dragged myself upstairs to shower off my crazy day and climbed into bed with another glass of wine and a good book to hopefully lull me into a peaceful sleep for a change.

  Before long, my eyelids started to get heavy. I set the book and wine glass down on my nightstand, glancing at the clock one more time. It was almost two in the morning and there was not one sign of Walker at all. A little bit of worry danced into my mind, hoping that, wherever he was, he was safe. Pushing the bad thoughts of Walker’s terrible drinking and driving habits into the back of my mind, I willed myself to fall into a deep, wine-induced slumber.

  Thirteen

  I woke up the next morning realizing that I hadn’t heard Walker come in the night before.

  Remembering that we had plans for breakfast, I jumped out of bed, truly excited to see him. Even though Walker had seen me at my worst, I felt the need to make myself a little bit more presentable than usual.

  I lifted my shirt to take a look at my freshly peeled tattoo. The skin was still tender and itchy, but it was healing fast. I loved my bird, and the memories it provoked were all warm and happy, helping to relax my crazy mind. I stroked the tender skin then applied a fresh coat of ointment, hearing Randy tell me about these birds as I’d curled up into his arms on his boat one sunny afternoon. The thought of Randy made me feel a little guilty for a moment. I had to make a point to remind myself that all my thoughts were innocent and justified, at least for the most part.

  I pushed the memory of Randy out of my mind in a hurry and got back on task. I got changed out of my standard pajamas—an old Army shirt and sweats—into short jean shorts and a black scoop neck—simple with just a hint of sexy.

  Figuring I had the time, since it was eight in the morning and Walker would probably still be sleeping, I turned on my flat iron and sat cross-legged in front of my mirror to do my makeup and hair. It only took me about ten minutes to tame my sleep-tousled hair and apply a quick layer of eye makeup.

  Still not hearing any movement in the house, I made my way down to the kitchen to start brewing a much-needed pot of extra strong coffee. Even though I’d slept straight through the night, I felt like I hadn’t slept well in the slightest and figured my brain hadn’t turned off entirely. Everything was still overwhelming to me, but I tried my best to keep the confusion, worry, and guilt at bay. So much had changed over the last few days, and my thoughts were a jumbled mess that I didn’t want to deal with on my own anymore. I longed to go wake Walker up to start to work through the tangled mess in my brain, but I forced myself to stay put.

  While I was leaning up against the counter next to the humming coffee pot, my eyes caught the sight of a strange purse sitting right next to mine on the table by the front door. I froze, my mind racing around and around, my stomach lurching. I felt like something had stabbed my heart.

  Before I could make a move toward the foreign bag or run back to the safety of my room, I heard Walker’s voice from his bedroom upstairs. “Hush, my roommate is sleeping. I don’t want to wake her.”

  A familiar giggle emanated from the girl in his room, making my heart sink more. I knew I’d heard that laugh before, but I just couldn’t seem to place it.

  Still clinging to the counter for dear life, I could hear two sets of feet tiptoeing down the stairs, coming close to the kitchen. Walker was leading someone by the hand, but he stopped dead in his tracks when he realized the kitchen light was on. I could only see him as he quickly turned to face me from the entrance of the kitchen.

  A panicky frown filled his face. “Morning, Mags. I was trying not to wake you.” His eyes darted to his hand as he pulled the twittering girl into my view. My jaw dropped in disbelief as the blond bartender from The Saloon came scooting into the entryway. “Mags, you remember Cindy, don’t you?” He wasn’t making eye contact with me.

  I shook off my shock and moved toward Cindy, rage bubbling up in my stomach. I wanted to punch her in her giggling face; she was intruding on my home and my man. Surprisingly, I kept my composure. With the images of tackling the whore to the ground in my thoughts, I forced a smile, my anger and calmness colliding, making my brain thump angrily against my narro
wing eyes.

  “Hi, Cindy.” I waved. “Coffee? It just finished.”

  I could not believe what was coming out of my mouth. My normal course of action would have been screaming for this bimbo to get the fuck out of my house and then slapping Walker for the last forty-eight hours of torment he had put me through. He had just told me that he wanted to be with me a day ago, and bringing this girl into my home was how he showed it? I did my best to mask the disdain in my voice, and to my surprise, Cindy didn’t seem to notice how upset I was.

  A wave of relief came over me when Cindy declined my offer for coffee, claiming she needed to get home to walk her dog. My stomach churned when Cindy deeply kissed Walker goodbye and headed out my front door. By the time she was gone, tears were forming pink streaks down my pale cheeks.

  Walker turned to me, shocked. His desperate green eyes tried to search mine for any answers. His face was twisted into painful distress, and seeing it made me want to hold him. I got angrier with those emotions and screamed out loud in frustration. When he tried to choke out an apology, I just held up my hand and, in the most even tone I could manage, told him, “I frankly don’t give a shit what you have to say while that bitch’s scent is still on you. Go take a shower, give me a minute, and maybe I will be able to look at you.”

  Sullenly, he let his gaze drop to his feet. “Yeah, okay.”

  He walked up the stairs and turned on the shower right away. I heard his sighing and frustrated rants at how stupid he had been as I made my way back into the kitchen.

  At least we’re agreeing on one thing at the moment: you are an ass!

  I sulked over to the kitchen table, collapsing into a hardwood chair. Seeing Walker with Cindy had made me see that I did actually want to be with him. My stomach was killing me and tears were surging down my hot cheeks as sobs choked out of my burning throat.

  I detested the way I was feeling. It was an utterly different type of broken heart than what I had grown accustomed to. A wave of rejection and shame crashed hard as I replayed the morning’s events in my head. The worst part of it all was how stupid I felt for being like this. The last time Walker and I had spoken, I’d told him we were friends and roommates and that was that. I had no claims over him whatsoever. It was not my place to say he couldn’t sleep with whomever he wanted.