The Crashing Series

by Kristen Hope Mazzola

  I had not seen or heard from Walker since he’d left my house. It was odd for us, usually talking every day, especially since we were supposed to be roommates. I sighed, wondering what he had told Jim and Liz about why he had returned. It was strange for Liz not to call me if she thought something was wrong. I planned that, after my session was over, I was going to call her to “check in”, but really it was to get information about Walker.

  I realized my body had stiffened again as Candice began speaking, looking up from her notepad. “Let me just see if I have the timeline of events correct.” She paused and waited for my nod of approval before continuing. “You asked Walker to move in Wednesday after work. By the end of the day on Thursday, he was all settled in. Friday, you and he went out, leading into your fight, ending this past Sunday with you finding out Walker didn’t sleep with the girl and then sleeping with him yourself.” I stared at her, my lips parted, letting the reality of how fast everything had happened sink in. In my shock, I could only nod yes to confirm her chronicle.

  Candice shifted in her seat, leaning over and reaching for my hands. I hadn’t realized how badly they were shaking. With warm, thoughtful eyes, her voice softened. “Mags, let’s talk about what is really bothering you.”

  I nodded but didn’t know what I was supposed to say. There was misunderstanding and pain settling in. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown.

  When I felt Candice’s warm hand on my forearm, our eyes met. She had a look of concern as she continued. “Are you worried someone might replace Randy?”

  Tears started to well up in my eyes when I realized that her words were true.

  I nodded again and she continued, never moving her hand or changing her expression. “I would like you to try to forgive yourself for wanting to be happy. I would like for you to try to understand that your vows were fulfilled and he would want you to move on. I want you to know that you deserve happiness and to be loved again.”

  She handed me the box of tissues, pausing for a minute for my sobs to calm a little. Her words were piercing into me, causing me to gasp for air.

  Candice grabbed my hand again, regaining her thoughtful eye contact. “I want you to let yourself fall in love again. If it happens to be with Walker or with someone else, it does not matter. But”—she paused for a brief second, choosing her words carefully—“you need to free your heart to make room for someone new. I am not asking you to stop loving Randy. What you shared was magical and no one will ever be able to replace him to you.”

  I was shuddering, crying, sobbing, and acting like a blubbering fool. I could not compose myself. I already knew everything that had just been said, but I’d never let myself think about or feel it. Every suppressed emotion was smoldering, blistering my entire body. I’d gone through the motions instead of allowing myself to grieve appropriately or let go; now it was being forced upon me. I involuntarily took a few deep breaths as Candice instructed and, surprisingly, they actually helped. I was able to stop the almost hyperventilation, leaning back to try to calm my rigid muscles.

  For a few minutes, we sat in silence, Candice keeping a soft, compassionate hand on mine. All I could do was stare at the floor, still shaking a little. She settled back down into a seemingly more comfortable position and asked me again in a whisper, “Mags, do you think you have feelings for Walker?”

  This time I nodded yes as I let my head collapse into my open hands, tears falling more furiously down my cheeks, my nose even starting to run. Guilt washed over my body like icy water. I looked up and grabbed a few more tissues, waiting for more questions to be fired away, but they never came. Candice looked down at her watch, smiled sheepishly at me, and told me she thought that our session had been very successful. She looked satisfied when I agreed.

  I started to leave her office but turned back quickly when one final question came to me. “What do you think I should do about Walker?” My voice was pleading and trembling, my eyes matching my tone.

  She grinned at me again, put a loving hand on my shoulder, and pulled me into a much-needed hug.

  “I think I am going to call Walker. We have a lot to figure out and talk about. Thank you, Candice” I pulled away.

  She nodded at me with a reassuring smirk and wished me luck as I opened the door to leave the building.

  Fifteen

  I took a deep breath as I turned onto my street. On my way home, I would pass the McManuses’ house and I had planned that, if Walker’s truck was in the driveway, I was going to stop and talk to him. Right after I’d told Candice I was going to call him, I’d known I would chicken out. Face to face was the only way I wouldn’t be able to back out of this one. In person, I was a terrible liar, and I was counting on that to make myself grow the balls to tell Walker how I felt.

  My heart started racing as I pulled past the red brick pavers to find that Walker’s truck was nowhere in sight. I was surprised at my lack of relief and how disappointed I felt. I had really psyched myself up for.

  I parked Randy’s truck in its spot in my driveway, and without climbing out, I dialed Liz’s number. It had been far too long since we had caught up, and a little bit of guilt waded into my mind. I figured she would be able to give me some idea of how Walker was feeling without making me seem like a spy, which kind of made me feel bad, but I really needed to figure all this out and fast. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to live like this, and frankly, I was sick of it.

  I smiled when I heard a warm voice greet me from the other end of the line. “Oh, Margret! How wonderful to hear from you.” She sighed a little with relief. “You know we’ve missed you! How is it that we’re neighbors and we still barely get the pleasure of your company?”

  I forced a giggle. “You know how busy work can get for me and all…” I trailed off for a second before continuing. “I miss you guys, too.”

  “Will you please come visit soon? How about dinner sometime in the near future?”

  “Of course, Liz. We’ll plan for dinner soon!”

  I loved that she was making plans without forcing me into a committed time. Liz was great about trying to make as little pressure for me as possible. I knew I had an open invitation to their home any time I wanted, but knowing they wanted to see me helped relax me and put my mind at ease. Maybe Walker didn’t cause too much alarm and red flags by returning to their home after all.

  We continued with small talk about the new sweater she’d found on sale for seventy percent off and how Jim was still fighting off retirement, saying that he’d go crazy cooped up in the house.

  Finally, I was able to butt into the conversation. Gaining enough confidence, I choked out, “How’s Walker been doing, Liz?”

  Her voice turned almost sad. “He’s moping around again, scared that you’re mad at him and all. I won’t pry though. Your relationship is something I never wanted to get into the middle of. You know though, Mags… He’s a good one.”

  Her choice in words was strange to me. I couldn’t help but wonder what Walker had told her. I tousled my hair angrily at the thought of what Walker might have actually divulged. Liz was Randy’s mother. He had no business bringing her into this. But maybe he hadn’t. He could have just told her that we didn’t work out as roommates. Ugh. I was so confused.

  I ended the call by telling her I loved her and that Walker and I would be fine, that we just needed to get into the groove of our new arrangement. At that clarification, a sigh of relief came from my mother-in-law that made me wonder again what she might have known—or assumed.

  I turned off the truck and hopped out with a swift glance back at the McManus house. I sulked inside, and my house felt bigger and lonelier than normal. I knew why, and shivers ran down my spine, goose bumps erupting from head to toe. It wasn’t that I was missing Randy; it was that I wanted Walker’s company. This new type of guilt was starting to become all too familiar, and my stomach knotted into a painful mess.

  I walked into the kitchen and poured myself yet another g
lass of my coping mechanism. Taking one sip, I stared at my reflection in the crystal that had been given to us as a wedding present, and without really thinking, I launched the glass across my kitchen, making it crash against the wall. Purple streaks started to run down the off-white paint Randy had applied the first night we’d moved in. I slid to the floor and cried for what felt like hours.

  I knew I was going to have to learn to live with all of these horrible thoughts and emotions. I knew it was not going to be easy, but I really needed to let go. Moving out of my home was never an option because that was the one thing I truly knew would tie me to Randy forever. I felt like as long as I had the memories we had built together there, he would never be gone. With the shattering of the glass, I felt a pint-sized bit of his hold on my heart lighten a little. Just another small breakthrough that I have to be proud of…

  I felt my stomach rumble, but keeping down food didn’t seem like an option. I was hurt that Walker still hadn’t called, but I had to keep reminding myself that he’d promised to leave me alone until I contacted him. Walker had always kept his promises to me, so I guessed I shouldn’t have been too surprised.

  I wondered if Liz had told him about our conversation and wished I knew how much they talked. Liz always was good about respecting my privacy, so I figured she hadn’t told him I called.

  After forcing myself to clean up the mess I had made, not wanting to let a stain settle into the wall, I cried for so many reasons. Even though it was only nine thirty, I had had enough excitement for one day and made my way up the stairs. Going into my bathroom, I rummaged through my prescriptions in the medicine cabinet for the sleeping pills my doctor had given me right after Randy died and popped two, washing them down with ice-cold water. I undressed and climbed into bed, not bothering to turn out the lights downstairs or in the hall. I turned the TV on to an I Love Lucy rerun and slid under my covers. Before the first commercial came on, I was fast asleep.

  * * *

  The blaring of my phone’s ringtone woke me up thirty minutes before my alarm was supposed to. It was my boss calling to tell me that there had been a small electrical fire in one of the labs at the hospital right next to my office and to not come in until further notice. They didn’t think the damage would take too long to clean and fix up, but the fire department would have to do a bunch of testing, which could take a long time. I thanked her for letting me know, and before we hung up, she assured me that my pay would not be affected. Silently, I was truly grateful for the forced break from work as I turned off my alarm, allowing a wave of sleep to wash over me.

  My dream state was shaken by the other side of my bed caving in not too long after I had fallen back to sleep, shocking me awake. Startled, I turned to find Walker’s stunning green eyes filled with tears as they stared into mine.

  Without thinking or using words, we hugged right away, my entire body engulfed by his warm embrace. I could feel our tears mixing softly as our cheeks pressed together. The bristles on Walker’s face from not shaving for a few days were uncomfortable, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I never wanted to let go, and in that moment, it was clear what I wanted—or maybe needed—and I finally was holding it.

  Softly, Walker sighed that he was so sorry and whispered that he needed to learn how to deal with his hasty temper. His words were comforting and soft but made me cry harder.

  I pulled away from him so our eyes could meet again, his hands cupping my cheeks gently as I whispered, “This is not your fault. I was the ass.” He pulled me in again and we agreed to disagree for now. Assigning blame was not the point. All that mattered was having Walker beside me.

  I breathed in the mixture of his cologne and tears, pulling in as close as physically possible. Walker shifted our bodies until we were lying in a more comfortable position and cuddled me from behind. For what had to have been at least an hour, we just lay there, silently embracing each other. Finally, Walker bent over and kissed me passionately on the lips, almost forcefully, but it was gentle at the same time. Propping myself up a little on my elbow, I kissed him back, softer though, trying to let him know I still needed a tender moment. Walker’s body relaxed into mine and held me close for a while longer.

  Walker leaned in again, just for a quick peck on my cheek and to whisper, “I have some awesome news, Mags.” I looked up into his beautiful face, trying to think of how much more excitement I could handle at the moment. With a flirtatiously cocky grin on his face, he continued, “I got the old gang together and we’re planning on tailgating this weekend for the game. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

  I bolted up to my knees, practically bouncing up and down on the bed. “That is awesome! I miss those days so much! This is going to be amazing.”

  With a cute little chuckle, Walker grabbed me again. “That was a better reaction than I could have even hoped for.”

  And with that, everything felt fine between us again. I didn’t know exactly how it worked, feeling like my world was crashing down all over again and then within seconds feeling on top of the world. Life really had a way of throwing me for some weird loops.

  Walker and I stayed in bed for most of the early afternoon, finally deciding that food was necessary.

  I climbed out of bed, stretching and pulling my slippers on. Walking to the bathroom, I could hear Walker getting out of bed and putting his shoes on. I spun around as fear of him leaving again stabbed at my heart. “You’re not leaving, are you?” I was gasping, about to start crying and breaking all over again, which was utterly ridiculous, and I silently cursed myself for it.

  He smiled warmly at me with a slight hint of panic in his face, noticing my awful reaction to the simple action of putting shoes onto his feet. “Just really quick…” He stepped over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, resting his chin on top of my head. “I have to run back and change out of my pajamas if we’re going to go grab some grub.” I looked down at his lounge pants and ratty T-shirt; I hadn’t even noticed them before.

  “Oh, okay.” I relaxed my shoulders and leaned into him, squeezing his overly toned middle tightly to me, feeling each ripple through his thin shirt. Looking up at him, I asked, “When do I get my roommate back?”

  He kissed my forehead. “I’ll move back in tonight if you want.”

  I nodded yes into his chest, feeling like a gigantic weight had been lifted.

  After Walker had changed, packed up most of his stuff, and gotten back to the house, my stomach was practically eating itself. I hadn’t eaten for almost twenty-four hours, and the pains were starting to get unbearable. Walker laced our fingers together and led me to his truck that he’d left running in the driveway. I let him walk a little in front of me so I could take in the amazing sight of him in my favorite of his jeans, a loose-fitting dark gray cotton shirt, and snakeskin cowboy boots.

  He opened the door for me but stopped me right before I got into the seat, pulling me in and lifting my chin with his hand to make our eyes meet. His cheeks flushed with a hint of crimson as he bent down to kiss me softly. Right before our lips met, he drawled, “You’re amazing.”

  I wrapped my arms around his neck without allowing our lips to part. He hugged me into him and lifted me into the passenger’s seat before we started driving in the direction of Charlie’s. A sly grin spread across Walker’s sexy lips as he held one hand on the wheel and the other in mine, rubbing his thumb on my palm.

  I looked over, taking in the amazing sight of Walker’s happiness. “So, Charlie’s, huh?”

  He nodded very matter-of-factly. “Yup. Thought it’d be the perfect place. It’s kinda like a cure-all for hunger, hangovers, reunions, fights, what have you.”

  Pulling into the familiar parking lot lifted my spirits even more, especially when I saw Todd’s rusty old Cadillac in its usual spot. We climbed up into our usual seats, smiling and greeting our longtime bartender warmly. Orange honey drafts were resting on coasters, burgers were ordered, and everything felt right with the world again
.

  Walker and I chatted with Todd, keeping a respectful distance from one other. Even though we had found a good balance in our relationship, we had not defined boundaries and both of us were scared to send the other one running again.

  It wasn’t until Walker excused himself to use the restroom that Todd laid into me. With a questioning smirk coupled with a suggestive eyebrow raise, Todd blurted out what had been on his mind since we’d sat down together. “So? How was it?”

  Innocently, I shrugged. “How was what?”

  Taking a swig of my beer at that moment had been a bad idea, because I nearly choked when I heard Todd sassily say in a hushed voice, “How was doing Mr. Hunky-Pants-Country-Boy-Roommate?” He gaped at me, placing his hand dramatically on his popped-out hip. “Come on, it’s all over your faces! You did the dirty, now I want the dirt, missy!”

  Beet red, I opened my mouth and stared at him. “How’d you know?”

  “Honey, I know you and him and the ‘I did something dirty’ looks both of you have had over the years. Roll them all up and you get this moment right here, which I figured was going to happen sooner or later.”

  Walker’s return saved me from the mortifying conversation. I hadn’t even told Cali the story yet; I definitely wasn’t ready to volunteer it to one of the largest town gossips. We finished our meal and had a few more beers, Todd suggestively smirking at me every chance he got until we left the bar.

  Walker held my hand from the time we got into the truck until we got all the way into the house, and then he cuddled with me on the couch. We nestled down tight under my blanket just enjoying one another’s company, silently embracing our comfort and friendship again. Even though our lives were slowly spiraling out of control all around us, right there, in Walker’s arms, everything finally made sense.