What Goes Down: An emotional must-read of love, loss and second chances

by Natalie K. Martin

  She stole a look at her daughter. In the few days since last seeing her, Seph had lost weight. She’d always been slim but now her collarbones were more pronounced and her cheekbones were more defined. She seemed skittish too, with her eyes darting around the room, as if she couldn’t let them rest for more than a second. Laurel blew onto her coffee. Seph had always been tetchy when under pressure, a picky eater when stressed. But still, it was hard not to worry.

  ‘You weren’t just passing by, were you?’ Seph asked. ‘The only times you’ve come back to London since Uncle George died was for my exhibitions.’

  ‘I had some things to do.’

  ‘Checking up on me, you mean,’ Seph replied, walking back into the kitchen.

  Laurel turned to follow her. ‘No, of course not. I just wanted to sort things out, that’s all.’

  She slid into one of the high stools at the bar separating the living room and kitchen and rested her handbag on its surface. On the other side of the counter, Seph held a bowl filled with what looked like creamed butter and sugar mix.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I’d met up with Nico before. I didn’t mean for you to find out like that,’ Laurel continued. ‘I was just surprised that you’d met up with him.’

  Seph’s face was unreadable as she cracked an egg into the bowl. Laurel wrapped her hands around her mug, waiting for a reply but her daughter’s face was unreadable as she cracked another shell and dropped the yolk into the bowl.

  ‘I just-’

  ‘For crying out loud, Mum.’ Seph chucked the eggshell onto the counter. ‘Do we have to keep going on about all this?’

  ‘Excuse me?’ Laurel blinked.

  ‘All this Nico stuff and the arguments, all of it. It’s old news.’ She looked down into the bowl before sighing heavily. ‘I’m tired of it.’

  Laurel’s jaw slacked open as a deep frown creased her face but she said nothing as Seph pushed the whisking attachments into a handheld mixer. For a few seconds, the loud buzzing of it filled the room and the space between them. Laurel looked down at the string of gloopy, clear egg white dribbling from the shell that Seph had thrown onto the counter. What did she mean, it was old news? Their argument had been a fierce one. Surely they needed to talk things over, to clear the air? It didn’t feel right to simply ignore it but something about the look of complete apathy in her daughter’s eyes made her think twice. Maybe it would be better to just go along with what Seph wanted. To stop talking about it and move on.

  Laurel watched her whisking the mixture with her eyebrows scrunched tightly together, as if that one simple task was taking every inch of concentration she had until she finally switched it off.

  ‘How’s work?’ Laurel asked.

  ‘Finished.’ Seph shrugged. ‘All done and ready to go.’

  Laurel tilted her head to one side. ‘You look tired.’

  ‘I was up until almost three in the morning writing.’

  ‘Writing what?’

  ‘A book.’

  Laurel’s eyebrows shot up and Seph half-laughed with a hint of defensiveness.

  ‘Don’t look so surprised,’ she said. ‘I can write, you know. Really well, as it turns out. And I have a story to tell. This whole stuff with Nico. I mean, it’s seriously messed up. I reckon it’d make a great book. Maybe even a film.’

  Laurel nodded, not quite sure what to make of all this. Seph had never shown great aptitude or interest in writing. Painting, drawing, sketching – yes. But writing? She’d hated it from an early age and had despaired over creative writing homework, essays and her university dissertation. She glanced at Seph, noting the pinch between her eyebrows and the sour set to the corners of her mouth. Everything about her said that something was wrong, despite her efforts to hide it. Laurel thought back to the anger she’d felt from Seph when Ben had left earlier.

  ‘Everything okay with you and Ben?’ she asked lightly.

  Seph shrugged. ‘I guess.’

  ‘You two seemed a little…I don’t know. Out of sorts.’

  ‘He’s just being a dick. He thinks my book is a stupid idea and that I’m stupid for writing it.’

  ‘Really? He said that?’

  ‘More or less. Obviously he thinks he’s the brains in this relationship. His lack of confidence in me is pretty astounding.’

  From what Laurel knew of Ben, it seemed odd he’d call any idea of Seph’s stupid but she wasn’t about to say so.

  ‘I’ll show him.’ Seph added with a grin.

  Laurel shifted her weight on the stool. She couldn’t help but think that the grin looked less playful and more edgy. Vengeful, even.

  ‘I spoke to Kim earlier today,’ she said, determined not to let her paranoia about Seph’s behaviour take over. ‘She’s thinking of coming for a visit. It would be nice to do something together when she comes.’

  ‘Ooh, yes.’ Seph snapped her fingers. ‘Can you finish this?’

  Laurel barely had time to blink before the bowl was shoved into her hands. She frowned as Seph trotted behind her to pick up her laptop from the coffee table.

  ‘I almost forgot. I’m throwing a party to coincide with the exhibition and I’ve got to send more invitations. Hey, maybe Kim could make it for that?’

  Laurel pulled a face. ‘I think that might be too soon.’

  ‘Well you should tell her to try. For me.’

  The grin on her daughter’s face was the polar opposite to the one she’d flashed about Ben just seconds ago. It lit up her eyes and was so wide and childlike, it seemed ridiculous to remind her that transatlantic flights didn’t come cheap, especially last-minute ones.

  ‘It’s going to be great,’ Seph continued. ‘I’ve got your invitation done already.’

  ‘Thanks.’ Laurel smiled.

  She’d been so worried that their last argument was a step too far, that it might have caused irreparable damage to their relationship. Although things weren’t going according to the script she’d formulated in her head on the journey here, she knew a peace offering when she heard one.

  Laurel took the abandoned spoon and began folding in the flour, picking up where Seph had left off. Maybe things really were alright. Maybe she was just being too overprotective, projecting things that weren’t really there. There was nothing to worry about.

  Seph quickly looked up and caught her eye and grinned. ‘Bestseller in the making.’

  Laurel nodded lightly with anxiety clawing at her chest as her daughter, tapped away on the laptop at a rate that seemed almost inhuman. She’d always supported Seph, had always encouraged her. It was her job as a mother. But this time, she wasn’t so sure.

  SEPH

  Twenty-Five

  Seph grinned as the confirmation email landed in her inbox. She quickly scanned the contents to make sure everything was correct before looking over her shoulder at Ben. He was sunk low into the sofa, his chin resting on his chest and his long legs stretched out as he watched Lethal Weapon 2. Or 3 or 4. Seph wasn’t sure, those kind of films weren’t her thing, and anyway they all had the same old boring plot.

  She looked back at her laptop. Bubbles of excitement popped away in her stomach. Would she be able to keep the secret? Now that it was all confirmed, the words were right there on her tongue, ready to explode from her mouth. She jiggled her foot to try and keep them inside. It wasn’t enough. She turned on the stool to face Ben.

  ‘Guess what?’ She grinned, both feet jiggling now. She couldn’t wait to see the look on his face.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Guess.’

  Ben sighed and looked at her briefly. ‘You’ve finished your book?’

  Why was he being so sarcastic? She’d been making great progress considering she only just started two days ago. Seph looked at the sleek silver case of her new MacBook. She loved it. Adored it. It was so much faster than the laptop she’d lugged around since university. And lighter, too. It was the buy of the century, but Ben hadn’t seen it that way. He’d said it was extravagant and a
waste of money they couldn’t afford, especially because he had an iMac in his studio she could use now that she’d “suddenly” decided on a career change. He’d obviously completely missed the point. She didn’t want to be stuck in front of a computer. She wanted to write on the go - in the park, in cafés, on the bus, even. And anyway, it was her money that had paid for it. She’d told him so, too. Then, her mum had turned up, right in the middle of their argument, and they hadn’t spoken about it since.

  It was the first time her mum had ever set foot in the house. Why had she finally come all this way, anyway? Just to apologise for their argument? Seph shook her head. It didn’t matter anymore. She’d moved on. All she wanted to do was put the whole mess behind her. The writing had helped with that, until Ben had come along and pooh-poohed the idea. Seph’s eyes narrowed. Now, every single little bit of inspiration had disappeared. It was as if he’d walked right up to her and stuck a pin in the place where her ideas had ballooned from.

  ‘No, I haven’t finished my book,’ she said, ignoring Ben’s sarcasm. ‘It’s better than that.’

  ‘We’ve won the lottery?’

  Seph dropped her shoulders and tilted her head to the ceiling. Sometimes, his lack of imagination was maddening.

  ‘What do you think about Brazil?’

  Ben frowned. ‘The country?’

  ‘No, the nut.’ She tutted. ‘Of course the country.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ He shrugged. ‘Why?’

  The grin returned to her face. ‘Because in a couple of weeks, we’ll be going there.’

  She’d pictured him being surprised. She’d anticipated confusion, but had imagined that it would give way to shock and then elation. She’d pictured him getting as excited as her as they made plans of what to do when they got there, where to go, what to see. So why were his eyebrows doing that thing they did when he was unimpressed, that thing where they scrunched together and met in the middle? Where was his excited grin?

  ‘Yeah, right,’ Ben said, laughing a little.

  Clearly he didn’t believe her, but he’d be jumping up and down when he realised it was for real.

  ‘We fly out on the twenty-ninth,’ she said. ‘I just booked it.’

  Ben sat up and turned the TV off, plunging them into silence.

  ‘Rio, here we come!’ Seph exclaimed.

  He stared at her. ‘Are you actually being serious? You’re not joking?’

  ‘As if I’d joke about something as cool as this.’ She turned the MacBook towards him.

  Ben got up from the sofa to stand next to her. His eyes widened and flicked left and right as he read the confirmation email. ‘Jesus Christ.’

  ‘I know! Two and a half weeks of sun.’ She sighed happily. ‘I can’t wait.’

  ‘It’s almost two grand, Seph.’

  ‘So? The flights are included.’ She waved a hand in the air. Was he for real? It was a bargain. She only wished they could go sooner. She wanted to fill her nose with the scent of sun cream and coconuts.

  ‘And,’ Seph continued, ‘we’ve got the best accommodation.’

  She’d fallen in love with the photos of the wooden villa. It was almost entirely open plan, with pivoting glass doors that led down to its own private beach. Okay, so it was a tiny stretch of beach, but who cared? She couldn’t wait to feel the sand under her bare feet. They tingled just thinking about it.

  Ben shook his head. ‘Why have you done this?’

  ‘What do you mean, why?’ Seph replied. What kind of question was that? ‘There are heaps of reasons. First of all, I’ve been stuck in my studio for ages working my arse off to get the series finished. Second, you’ve been working stupid hours and we hardly see each other.’ She stood up, using the fingers of one hand to reel off her reasons on the other. ‘Third, we haven’t had a holiday together yet this year and, fourth, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve had a bit of family drama going on. Fifth-’

  ‘Fifth,’ Ben interrupted, ‘where the hell are we getting the money for this?’

  Seph dropped her hands to her side. ‘Why does it always have to be about money?’

  ‘Because we live in the real world where we need it for rent and bills and food.’

  He’d become such a nag about money lately. She’d just presented him with an all-expenses paid trip to Rio de Janeiro. Why couldn’t he just be happy like any other boyfriend would?

  ‘Ben, would you lighten up? We’re not exactly broke, are we?’ She looked up at him with a cajoling smile and working her hands around his waist. ‘Don’t you think we deserve it? Because I do. Think about it: you, me, the beach. Cocktails. Sunshine. It’s exactly what we need.’

  ‘No, Seph, it isn’t.’ He pulled away and turned his back to her, rubbing his fingers on his forehead.

  His broad shoulders flexed under his white long-sleeved T-shirt. Seph clenched her jaw. Why was he being like this? He was acting like the fun police, pissing all over her parade.

  Ben turned back around to look at her. ‘How did you pay for it?’

  ‘I put it on the credit card.’ She shrugged. ‘What’s the big deal?’

  ‘You’ve just bought yourself a brand new MacBook, that was what? A grand? One thousand five hundred? And now a two thousand pound holiday?’

  ‘It was discounted and, in case you’ve forgotten, I’ve got an exhibition coming up,’ she replied, completely unfazed by his ridiculous worries. ‘Money isn’t a problem.’

  ‘You can’t assume you’re going to sell anything, let alone enough to cover a new laptop and a luxury holiday to Brazil.’

  Seph’s eyes narrowed. ‘What are you saying? You think nobody’s going to buy my work?’

  ‘You know that’s not what I meant.’ Ben sighed. ‘I just think you shouldn’t be spending so much without having a concrete way of paying for it, and I wish you’d have talked to me about it first.’

  ‘It was supposed to be a surprise. If I’d have known you’d be this ungrateful about it, I wouldn’t have bothered.’ She crossed her arms and looked away.

  ‘I’m not ungrateful. I just don’t understand how you can spend four grand in two days without even batting an eyelid.’

  ‘Because I’ll make enough to cover the MacBook and the holiday, and much more besides. While you were off faffing around in Cannes, I was inviting people to the exhibition and after-party. Influential people. People who aren’t afraid to pay good money for art.’

  Rather than add to Janice’s official list, Seph had invited some more people herself. Her invitation would stand out coming from her personal account instead of the gallery one. She couldn’t wait to see the RSVP’s come flooding back in. She’d contacted dozens of top bloggers and social media influencers. She’d even messaged a few celebrities on Twitter. Seph had planned to fill Ben in on all this, but now he’d taken it upon himself to act as chief party pooper, she’d keep it to herself.

  ‘Is this because of Cannes?’ he asked. ‘Are you jealous or something?’

  ‘What?’ She dropped a small laugh. ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘Come on, Seph,’ Ben replied, dropping his voice a little as if they were now getting to the crux of the matter. ‘You’ve barely mentioned it at all.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘You’ve always been funny about Clara. A few days ago you were accusing me of sleeping with her behind your back and flipping out about us going to Cannes together, and yet now you’re acting like you don’t care.’ He stopped for a second and let out a small breath. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it. So what is this? Is it some call for attention or some kind of way to get back at me, or what?’

  ‘It’s a holiday, not a punishment. I don’t know how you’ve managed to come to all that from me booking us a trip to Brazil but, I promise you, I’m not jealous and I’m not trying to get back at you.’

  Ben snorted and shook his head and leaned against the wall.

  ‘I’m serious. I’m not jealous. Not anymore.’

  ‘Oh yeah?
So what changed?’

  ‘Well, let’s just say I realised that two people like us should be free to do what we want, when we want, with whoever we want.’

  Ben frowned. ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Meaning that maybe we’ve gone wrong with labelling what we have just because everyone else does. It means that if you want to sleep with Clara, or anyone else, then feel free.’

  He furrowed his eyebrows even deeper and pushed himself off the wall. ‘Do you hear what you’re saying?’

  ‘Yes, I do. And I really think it makes sense. We can’t expect each other to fill our needs all the time.’

  ‘Well mine are, and they always have been.’ He stopped for a second and stared at her. ‘Why? Aren’t yours?’

  Seph bit the inside of her bottom lip.

  ‘Seph?’

  His voice rumbled low with suspicion as his eyes darted around the room, as if he were trying to see the thing between them that hadn’t been there before. He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again and looking at her with guarded eyes.

  ‘Did something happen while I was away?’ he asked. ‘Did you sleep with someone else?’

  Seph hesitated. He was asking for the truth but everything about him was saying that he probably didn’t want to hear it.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, blurting the word out.

  Ben flinched as shock registered on his face. He stared at her for a few seconds, the look in his eyes hardening as the muscles in his jaw twitched. Seph swallowed. This was all going wrong. The conversation wasn’t supposed to go this way, he wasn’t supposed to react like this. He was supposed to be happy about being free to do whatever he wanted, especially when he was working away. Just like she’d done. Seph’s stomach flipped. She hadn’t felt free when she’d lay in bed afterwards, wishing she could crumble away to nothing. She bit down harder on the inside of her lip.