Somewhere Along the Way

by Ruth Cardello

  Maddy didn’t look like she believed her, but she didn’t say so. She swiped her phone a few times, then held out another photo. “This is me with my husband, Richard, and our two sons. The older one is Joey. The little one is Adam. I feel badly every time I leave them, but thank God for private jets, you know what I mean?”

  “Not really,” Cassie said absently. She couldn’t take her eyes off the photo. It might have been the love in Maddy’s and her husband’s eyes as they looked at each other. Or the way the children were laughing on their laps. They were happy children who had two parents.

  In that moment, Cassie imagined herself in similar photo with Luke. No matter how unrealistic it was to hope anything that had started the way their relationship had could end up like the calendar-perfect family in the photo, Cassie couldn’t deny how much she wanted it to.

  She covered her eyes and burst into tears.

  Maddy gave her hand a light rub. “Oh, no. No crying. I was just trying to find out more about you. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “You didn’t,” Cassie said, even as tears continued to run down her face. The clinic had told her the hormones she was taking to help with fertility could make her more emotional, but it hadn’t been a problem during her first two cycles.

  “My cousin Nicole says I’m an emotional ox at times. I’m so sorry.”

  Cassie covered her face with her hands. “It’s not you. It’s me. I fucked everything up. Absolutely everything.”

  “I’m sure it’s not all that bad.”

  Cassie continued to cry. “Yes, it is. It’s very bad.”

  Maddy went to stand beside Cassie. She put her arm around her. “Okay, well, my father always says that problems are simply situations awaiting solutions. So, whatever you did, I’m sure we can fix it.”

  Only because she had kept her secret inside her so long it was tearing at her to be released, Cassie said, “If I told you something, could you keep it to yourself?”

  Maddy’s hand stilled on Cassie’s back. “Yes.”

  “You were right; there is something going on between Luke and me. But it’s not going to work out because I didn’t tell him I may be pregnant,” Cassie said, feeling a weight lift from her chest just by saying it aloud.

  “Is it his?” Maddy asked.

  “No,” Cassie said and stood. She walked over to a box of tissues, took one out, and blew her nose.

  ***

  With his arm full of groceries, Luke knocked on the kitchen door with his elbow. Every muscle in his body tensed painfully when he saw the distressed expression on Cassie’s face. He quickly placed the bags on the counter and took her face in his hands, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks. “What happened?”

  He looked past her and a deep anger began to build within him as he began to piece together what had upset Cassie. “What are you doing here, Maddy?” The contriteness in his cousin’s eyes only fed Luke’s temper. He stepped between Cassie and the person he was beginning to believe he had spent far too much time defending.

  Maddy put out a hand in appeal toward Luke. “I was worried about you. I know why you came here. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  Luke looked down at Cassie’s red and puffy eyes and said slowly, “Are you okay, Cassie?”

  Cassie raised a hand to her lips and fresh tears spilled over. She shook her head, but she didn’t say anything.

  He turned back to Maddy and snarled, “Did you upset Cassie?”

  Maddy’s mouth dropped open. She was used to being indulged, excused. She looked lost for what to say. Well, it was about time she learned she couldn’t crash through other people’s lives as she pleased. Finally, she said, “If I did, it wasn’t my intention.”

  Luke advanced on Maddy. “Cassie, could you give me a moment alone with my cousin?”

  Cassie laid a gentle hand on Luke’s arm. “It’s not what you think, Luke. It’s not her fault.”

  With a reassuring pat to Cassie’s hand, Luke said, “You don’t have to make excuses for Maddy. She makes enough for herself.”

  Cassie appealed to Luke one more time. “Luke, don’t let me come between you and your cousin. She’s here because she cares—”

  Luke gently ushered Cassie toward the door. “We’ll talk when we’re alone, Cassie. I promise. What I have to say to Maddy has been a long time in coming. I’ll explain it all to you later.”

  Cassie lingered at the door for a moment and gave Maddy a look Luke didn’t know how to interpret. The moment she was out of the kitchen, Luke rounded on Maddy again. She was giving him the apologetic eyes that usually won her forgiveness. This time, however, Luke saw it for the manipulative act it was. “How well would you say we know each other, Maddy?”

  Maddy clasped her hands in front of her and swallowed visibly. “Well enough for me to recognize that you are really, really angry with me.”

  Luke slapped a hand down on the counter beside him. “Do you know how many times I have defended you? When our families split, I stayed in contact with you. These past few years, all I’ve done is encourage my family to accept you, even when I saw how you bulldozed into their lives.”

  Maddy squared her shoulders. “Sometimes love needs—”

  Luke pushed off the counter. “Don’t spout that shit to me. You think you’ve helped my brothers? Brought us closer? I’d say their temporary truce is despite you. Without you, my mother wouldn’t have gone after Julia. She wouldn’t have been able to threaten Rena. Every time I hear of a problem in my family, and I dig for how it started, I always find you, Maddy. You.”

  Maddy took a step back, shaking her head. “It’s not like that.”

  Luke advanced. “Hard to hear the truth about yourself, Maddy? Isn’t that what you say everyone needs? The truth? Tell me, that journal you wanted me to read, what did you do with it? Because if I know you, you couldn’t keep it to yourself. You can’t stop meddling, even when no one wants your help. Even when we tell you to stop.”

  “Lies are what kept our families apart. The truth will—”

  “I’m done making excuses for you. It’s time for you to grow up and realize that sometimes things are none of your fucking business. I don’t know what you said to Cassie, and I don’t care about your version.” He slowed his breathing, controlling his temper, even though fury was raging within him. “You don’t belong here. This place, what I have with Cassie, I won’t allow you to sully it. Go home, Maddy. Give me time to forget how angry I am with you.”

  Maddy opened her mouth then closed it with a snap. “I didn’t mean to upset Cassie.”

  “But you did.”

  With an emotional shine to her eyes, Maddy said, “You’re like a brother to me. I would never do anything to hurt you or anyone you care about. I love you.”

  Not softening his stance, Luke held her eyes and warned, “Then prove it. Stay the hell out of my relationship and keep your damn secrets to yourself. I don’t want them, Maddy. I’m happy here.”

  Maddy nodded slowly as though she were processing his request sadly. “I hope everything works out for the two of you.”

  “It will,” Luke said with determination. “I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

  “Oh,” Maddy said vaguely. She looked about to say more then bit her lip. “I should probably head back to the airport. Richard is expecting me home tonight.”

  Luke nodded and unfolded his arms from across his chest. He didn’t like that he’d hurt his cousin with his honesty, but he considered it something she’d needed to hear. He walked with her to the living room where he retrieved her coat and handed it to her.

  Cassie stood off to the side of the room, looking nervous and more than a little sad. Luke tensed when Maddy walked toward her. He strode over, prepared to cut Maddy off if she said anything more than goodbye.

  Maddy shook Cassie’s hand. “Good luck, Cassie. I’m deeply sorry if my visit upset you.”

  Cassie looked from Maddy to Luke and back. “Thank you.�
��

  “Take care of him for me, Cassie,” Maddy said, and with one last sad look at Luke, she let herself out the front door.

  Luke took Cassie into his arms. She was shaking with emotion, and he simply held her for several moments. With a tearless sob, she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest.

  Finally, Cassie raised her head and said, “We need to talk, Luke.”

  He picked her up, carried her into the living room, and sat down with her still in his arms. He rubbed his chin gently back and forth in her hair. “Yes, we do.”

  Cassie laced her fingers through his. She was breathing quickly, and he wanted to spare her from whatever she was about to say, but he sensed she needed to let it out. “Remember when I told you I’m much more messed up on the inside than you know?”

  Luke nuzzled Cassie’s ear and said softly, “We all are.”

  She squeezed his hand tightly. “I have something I need to say, but before I do, I want to tell you a story. I want you to understand why I am the way I am.”

  “I’m listening, Cassie. And you can tell me anything.”

  “When I was young I didn’t know how bad my home life was. I thought everyone’s mother left them alone as much as mine did, had strangers in their own homes, had to hide whatever they didn’t want stolen from them. I thought everyone grew up afraid.”

  Luke stopped breathing. In that moment his heart opened even wider for the woman in his arms. “Oh, Cupcake . . .”

  She played with a button on his shirt, focusing her eyes there. “I’ve never told anyone, but I think it’s time I say it out loud.”

  If Luke could have, he would have done anything to erase whatever had put that tone in her voice, whatever had hurt her so badly she couldn’t look at him while she spoke of it. He had an idea, but he didn’t want to believe anyone could have ever hurt the beautiful woman in his arms.

  “I didn’t know him. He was just someone my mom brought home from wherever she’d been partying. I was used to strange men coming and going. Normally they didn’t even look at me. As if by acknowledging me, they acknowledged something they didn’t like about themselves. I wasn’t even really afraid when my mother passed out, and he came to talk to me.”

  Tears were running freely down Cassie’s cheeks, but she didn’t wipe them away. She kept her attention glued to one white button. “I was ten. I almost don’t remember everything that happened. I remember being scared. I remember trying to get away, but he pinned me down on the couch . . . and then pain. He left and I lay down next to my mother. I tried to wake her, but I couldn’t.”

  Luke knew that such horrors happened in the world. He’d volunteered in a shelter when he was in college. But nothing had ever cut him as deeply as hearing Cassie retell what had happened to her. He wanted to erase it from her, but he knew enough to understand she needed to remember. Her experience, however ugly, was a part of the woman he loved. He remained quiet, letting her choose how she’d tell the rest.

  “I told my mom the next day. All she did was cry and go on another drug binge. Like somehow my pain was too much for her. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone else. Kids in my neighborhood were taken away from their parents for less. They didn’t always end up somewhere better. And I loved my mother, even though I hated what she did.” Cassie looked away and dried her eyes. “I remember pulling deeper inside myself, so deep no one could hurt me. I was scared. And then, somehow, I wasn’t anymore. I was numb. I created these hiding places in my neighborhood where I could go whenever my mother brought someone home. I stole whatever I needed. It was never good, but I was okay. I was surviving. As long as I never trusted anyone. As long as I kept to myself, hiding and protecting everything that was important to me.”

  Luke continued to rub Cassie’s back as she spoke. “You don’t have to hide anymore, Cassie. Not from me.”

  “I want to believe that, Luke. It’s like when I first heard Emma speak of this town. How they were like a family to her. I couldn’t imagine living anywhere like that. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved to be part of something that good. But I wanted to be part of that. I wanted it so badly.” She rubbed a hand across Luke’s arm absently. “People in this town care about me. I’m not afraid here, not even of the people who stay in my home. I’m strong. I shed the person I was in Detroit, and I’m becoming someone else . . . someone better.”

  Luke took her hand gently in his. “Not someone else. You, Cassie. That’s all. This is who you really are.”

  Cassie closed her eyes for a moment. “I still have trouble trusting anyone, and I hide what I care the most about. There are things I don’t tell Bonnie. Things I haven’t told you, yet. I want to, but I’m scared.”

  With his heart thudding loudly in his chest, Luke continued to hold Cassie. She’d never been more beautiful to him than she was in that moment. “Don’t be afraid with me, Cassie. You are the bravest, most warmhearted woman I’ve ever met. There is nothing you could say that would change my opinion of you.” He let out a long breath and admitted, “I’m in love with you.”

  She didn’t say she loved him back, and he didn’t expect her to. She wasn’t ready yet. He ran a comforting thumb back and forth over hers. She had opened herself up to him, leaving herself vulnerable. He wanted to show her he was willing to trust her just as completely. “Cassie, I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through, but I do know what it’s like to feel powerless. My mother didn’t physically hurt us, but she was unpredictably viscous. There was so much anger in our home. We all dealt with it in different ways. I convinced myself I could heal them. That’s why I became a surgeon, I think. I had this crazy idea that I alone could make things better for everyone. The nurses in our hospital call it the god complex. Men who begin to see themselves as being able to overcome even death itself. But no one is that powerful. I couldn’t fix my family, Cassie. I couldn’t save Emma. I wish I could go back in time and protect you from everything you described, but I can’t. All I can do is tell you I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  Cassie opened her eyes and looked up at Luke. “Maddy said she was worried you were hiding here. What if you are? You could wake up tomorrow and miss New York.”

  “Is that what you’re afraid of? Maddy doesn’t know what she’s talking about. New York is just a city. Concrete buildings. Obnoxious traffic. Yes, my job is there, but I could be a surgeon anywhere. Even here.”

  Cassie buried her face in Luke’s chest, and he tucked her head beneath his chin. Cassie had shared a part of herself with him she’d never shared before. He saw that as the precious gift it was. She had more she wanted to say, and he knew she would—in her own time.

  Cassie didn’t trust easily, and she would love even more cautiously. Luckily, patience was a virtue he’d been born with.

  Chapter Eleven

  “What is your problem?” Bonnie asked, after waiting until they were alone in the bathroom of her restaurant.

  Cassie washed her hands in the sink, using the action as a distraction. She didn’t meet her eyes in the mirror above it, and she wasn’t about to meet Bonnie’s. There were probably a hundred, maybe a thousand better ways to handle how she felt, but none were possible for her. Since she’d left the fertility clinic the day before, she had gone numb. “I don’t have a problem.”

  Bonnie folded her arms across her chest. She was absolutely lovely in the shimmering green dress she’d chosen that night and normally Cassie would have said so, but nothing felt real. It was as if Cassie had taken a step back from her life and was unemotionally watching it play out below. “Oh, you do, and you will tell me what it is. You’re here tonight with the most eligible bachelor who has ever come to Defiance. A man who, might I add, is obviously smitten with you. You look amazing, but I haven’t seen you smile once since you came in. Luke hasn’t left your side, and if I had to guess, he’s just as worried about you as I am. He doesn’t appear sorry, just confused. Did you two have a fight? Spill it. What’s going on?”<
br />
  Cassie turned on the water and was about to wash her hands again when Bonnie turned her away from the sink. “Look at me, Cassie. I’ve never seen you like this. Whatever happened, you’re not alone. Talk to me.”

  A woman walked into the bathroom and glanced at the stalls. “Are they free?”

  Bonnie scooted the woman right back out of the bathroom. “No, they’re not. Come back in a few minutes.” As soon as the woman was clear of the door, Bonnie closed it and slid a lock across the top. “Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

  Cassie looked up and hated that she was handling herself so poorly. Bonnie was missing part of the fundraiser she was hosting to hide out in the bathroom with her. She tried to force a smile. “There’s nothing wrong, Bonnie. I just have a headache.”

  Bonnie nodded and stepped closer. “I’m sorry to have to do this.”

  Cassie raised an eyebrow in question.

  Standing within a foot of Cassie, Bonnie stared, unblinking, into her eyes. “I will now awkwardly stare at you until you can’t take it anymore and tell me what I want to know. My father used to do this to me. Don’t doubt the power of a prolonged, knowing stare.”

  One corner of Cassie’s mouth twitched. “You’re serious?”

  Bonnie didn’t budge; she just continued to stare into Cassie’s eyes. At first Cassie brushed it off as ridiculous. Then annoying. Then she felt more and more uncomfortable. Cassie shifted from one foot to the other. “Stop.”

  “I will, as soon as you start talking.”

  “I already told you there is nothing to tell.” Cassie looked away but could still feel the pressure from Bonnie’s sustained attention. She rubbed one of her ears nervously and tried to pull back the wretched feelings beginning to surface within her. She couldn’t hide, not even from herself, beneath Bonnie’s unwavering scrutiny. “Fine, I received some bad news. Or maybe it was good news. I don’t know. It just put me in a funky mood, okay?”

  “From your mother?”