Hot Mess

by Emma Hart

  There was a sigh.

  “We were so close,” said the third voice who’d told me not to shout.

  “Yes, well, blame Maude,” Theo’s great-aunt replied with a huff.

  All three women turned and headed in the direction of where I’d see them earlier. At least I assumed it was them—what were the chances it was anyone else?

  Or maybe I was hallucinating. It wasn’t every day you found three naked old ladies on the beach.

  It wasn’t something I’d ever hoped to find on the beach.

  Or anywhere.

  A few minutes later, all three of them hobbled back over to me, and one of them said, “Come on, then. We won’t bite.”

  “Unless you’re an alien,” the middle woman tossed over her shoulder.

  That made me feel safe.

  Not.

  Still, I followed them. I knew enough to mind my manners around my elders and do as they said. I wasn’t going to get into an argument with any of the elderly residents of Creek Keys, especially not if one of those women was related to Theo.

  “We don’t have another chair, so you’ll have to sit on the sand,” Theo’s great-aunt said. “I’m Elsie, and that little shit who owns the house you’re staying in is my great-nephew. This here is Agnes,” she pointed to the woman on her right with the bright purple hair, then to the woman with stunning silver hair. “And that’s Maude.”

  I raised a hand lamely. “I’m Elle.”

  “Are you the one on the tube of you?” Elsie asked. “With the curly hair?”

  “Um, yes.”

  “Will you teach me how?” Agnes patted her hair that was only just long enough to curl. “I was going to get a perm, but that stupid stylist told me I couldn’t because I color my hair. Have you ever heard such insanity?”

  “I’m really not a hair stylist,” I replied diplomatically. “I’m afraid I don’t know about perms.”

  “Ah, well, I’ll have to ask the internet.”

  I didn’t recommend that, but I didn’t offer that opinion, either.

  “Sorry we disturbed you,” Maude said, not looking the slightest bit sorry as she picked up her red solo cup. “Wine?”

  What the hell? “Sure.”

  Maude picked up another empty solo cup and filled it to the brim with white wine, emptying the bottle. She handed it to me with a toothy grin that was, ironically, missing one tooth on the left side.

  I took it, returning the smile, albeit somewhat warily.

  What had I stumbled onto here?

  Elsie leaned forward. “I bet you’re wondering what we’re doing out here.”

  “A little.”

  “Aliens.”

  My eyebrows shot up. “Aliens?”

  Agnes made a ‘pfft’ sound. “She doesn’t believe us. Maude, take back our wine!”

  Elsie’s eyes rolled so hard I worried she was giving herself a migraine. “She was asking, Agnes! Settle your tits!”

  Settle your tits? What was I getting myself into here?

  “Tell me about the aliens,” I said.

  What the hell? I had nothing else to do tonight. Besides, I was game for a good conspiracy theory, even if said theory came from previously naked elderly women.

  We all had our vices, even if I could do without the nakedness.

  Agnes’ eyebrows shot up. “We’re the Creek Key Conspiracy Krew—crew spelled with a K.”

  I paused. “So you’re the CKCK? I like that.”

  “I like her,” Maude announced. “We should recruit her.”

  “I’m only here for a week,” I said quickly. “And I don’t know a lot about aliens.”

  All three women leaned forward.

  I sat back.

  Whoa.

  “You like aliens?” Agnes stroked her chin.

  In hindsight, I should have known that three naked old ladies on the beach in the dark was either going to be aliens or witchcraft.

  “I’m indifferent,” I said after a long moment of all three of them staring at me. “I don’t disbelieve the theories, but I’ve never paid enough attention to it to say they conclusively exist.”

  Their eyes all lit up like they’d hit the jackpot.

  “She’s convertible,” Maude said, rubbing her wrinkled hands together with glee. “We can recruit her!”

  Recruit me?

  Scratch that, maybe this wasn’t aliens or witchcraft. Maybe this was Satanism.

  “Recruit me?” I squeaked out.

  “We need to expand,” Agnes said. “We’re struggling to recruit younger members. You could really help our cause if you joined.”

  “Your cause?”

  Elsie nodded. “We have to tell the people the truth! Aliens are out there, and the government are hiding them from us!”

  Oh, Jesus, what had I stumbled upon? This would teach me to go walking across the beach at night. I knew better than to go out alone at night.

  “Right.” I said the word slowly and carefully, drawing it out.

  “It’s a conspiracy,” Maude whispered. “They know! They test on them! They live among us!”

  Ooookay, then.

  God, this was like falling down a Wikipedia hole, except this Wikipedia was old and alien obsessed.

  “Can I ask you something?” I looked between all three women and when nobody protested, said, “Why are you naked out here?”

  With a straight face, Elsie said, “We’re trying to attract the attention of the aliens, obviously.”

  “We want to be probed,” Agnes added on a whisper. “So they can understand us better.”

  Yeah. I wish I hadn’t asked now.

  “Agnes, I told you not to come down here!” Theo’s clean-cut British accent saved me from having to reply.

  It wasn’t as relieving as I’d imagined an interruption to be. Because it was him.

  The last person I wanted to see tonight.

  “Oh, damn it,” Maude muttered. “It was you, waving that gosh darn phone light around!”

  I balked. “Hey, you’re the ones who walked up to me naked. You didn’t have to do that. In fact, if you hadn’t, I bet he’d have no idea you were out here.”

  “Shouldn’t you be looking after your daughter?” Elsie asked, sipping her wine. “You’re not allowed to leave nine-year-olds home alone.”

  Theo stopped in front of us all and put his hands on his hips, right on the waistband of his gray sweat shorts. He scanned us with his ice-blue eyes, and his expression hardened slightly when he saw me. “She’s not home alone. She’s a hundred feet away inside a locked house, sleeping. Like all of you should be.”

  “That’s home alone in my book,” Agnes chimed in.

  “Thirded,” Maude said.

  I said nothing. I wasn’t that dumb.

  Theo looked at me. “Are you not agreeing with them?”

  I shrugged a shoulder and sipped my wine, meeting his eyes. “What you do with your daughter is nothing to do with me. Remember?”

  His jaw ticked. “Agnes, I told you this morning you weren’t allowed on the beach. You were supposed to have Aunt Elsie call me.”

  “There are no tourists,” Elsie said. “We didn’t see an issue.”

  Theo threw his arm in my direction. “Elle was on the beach. And apparently joined you.”

  “Uh, not exactly,” I interjected. “I went for a walk down to the water and—”

  Agnes shook her head, eyes wide.

  “They were naked,” Theo said in a clipped tone. “No need to shake your head, Agnes. I told you all to do your little alien dances in your backyard.”

  “We can’t,” Maude argued. “Edwin keeps looking over my fence to watch us.”

  “So you come to a beach?” The words left me before I could stop them. When four pairs of unamused eyes shot my way, I slowly handed my wine to Agnes. “I’ll just… leave you to it.”

  With that, I got up off the sand and ran as quickly as I could back to the house, not even pausing to take a look over my shoulder. I didn’t n
eed to look, though. I could hear all three of them arguing with Theo even when I reached the back deck. It ended with a lot of loud protesting and him finally shouting over them to get the hell off his beach.

  I guess he owned this stretch of beach.

  Must be nice.

  I stepped inside and shut the glass door behind me, then blew out a long breath.

  Yowza.

  Those guys were intense.

  If I wasn’t tired before, I was now.

  I rubbed my hand down my face and checked my phone. The flashlight was still on, so I turned it off and opened the text from my sister.

  EMILY: I emailed Noelle, she wants to talk to you this week. Can you email her tomorrow? noelle@bondpi.com

  ME: Sure. I’ll email her tomorrow morning.

  EMILY: Lmk how it goes. Did you read Bethany’s emails?

  I was so not in the mood for this right now, but there was no way she’d leave me alone.

  ME: Yes. She stopped the video being circulated and wants me to report it to the police because it’s obviously revenge porn. I’m going to call her tmrw morning and tell her our plan.

  EMILY: She’s right.

  ME: I know that, but I still want proof before I accuse him.

  EMILY: You know it was him.

  ME: I’m not in the mood for this, Em.

  EMILY: Sorry. We’ll talk tomorrow?

  ME: Sure. I’ll call you after Bethany.

  EMILY: Video chat. Amelia misses you. So do I.

  I sighed and put my phone down after assuring her I would video call her. Guilt wracked my body at the thought I’d hurt my little niece so much, but I hadn’t really thought much of anything before I’d left.

  Three raps at the sliding doors made me jerk. Momentarily freezing at the outline of a large, tall man at the window, I sagged when I realized it was Theo.

  “It’s open,” I called.

  He slid the door open and stepped inside. “Do you know they’re crazy?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sure if them walking up to me while naked or them talking about the aliens was the thing to tip me off.” I poured wine into a glass and downed it. “Can you help me figure that out?”

  Sighing, Theo stepped inside. “Do you have more of that wine?”

  “Yes.”

  “May I have some?”

  “No.”

  “I deserve that, huh?”

  “I don’t care if you deserve it or not. I don’t share wine.” I poured the last of the bottle into my glass to make my point. “Especially not with grumpy, judgmental landlords.”

  Theo stilled for a second, but he had enough manners not to respond to my slightly tipsy—albeit truthful—assessment of him.

  “Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to finish my wine and go to bed because I have to call my lawyer in the morning.” I gave him a pointed look.

  “About the sex tape you didn’t know about?”

  “Don’t let the glass door hit you on the ass on the way out,” I snapped, finally losing my cool with him. It was probably the wine, but it felt like he’d come up here just to make me feel more unwelcome than I already did.

  I hindsight, I never should have stayed in Creek Keys. Not for longer than a night, anyway.

  Hindsight was not my friend tonight.

  Theo opened his mouth as if he was going to respond, but quickly pressed his lips together in a restrained smile. No sooner had he done that than he left, closing the door behind him again.

  Finally alone, I sagged onto the island and dropped my forehead onto the cold surface. I was so going to regret talking to him like that tomorrow. It honestly wasn’t the kind of person I was, but everyone had a breaking point.

  Apparently, naked old ladies looking for a probing from the aliens was my breaking point.

  I did what anyone else would do in my situation: for the first time in several days, since all this happened, I sank to the floor and cried.

  And cried.

  And cried.

  CHAPTER SIX – THEO

  “Because the law says we can’t keep monkeys as pets on Creek Keys,” I said, putting the bowl of cereal in front of Ari on the dining table.

  “But why does it say that?”

  “Because monkeys don’t make very good pets.”

  “There’s a two percent difference in our DNA. Why can we live in houses but monkeys can’t?”

  It was really bloody hard to argue with a child who threw logic like that in your face.

  “Look, kid, I don’t make the rules. I just have to follow them, like you do.”

  “Rules suck.”

  “Yes, they do. Now eat your breakfast before I make a new rule that involves chores.”

  She wrinkled her face up, creasing her nose in the process, but she did as she was told and scooped a big spoonful of cereal up.

  Thank God she’d dropped that for now.

  I did not need a monkey—not when I had a feisty runaway living next door.

  Shit. I did not need to think about Elle right now. I was only going to fill myself with a mixture of guilt and curiosity, and I needed neither of those things this early in the morning.

  I didn’t need them any other time, either, but still.

  I finished loading the dishwasher with the dirty dishes I couldn’t be bothered to do last night and closed it. I would set it going when Arielle was done with her breakfast.

  Leaning against the countertop, I picked up my cup of tea and looked out at the beach. It was so peaceful on a morning before everyone woke up and the tourists staying at the other beach houses flocked to the beach. It wasn’t the longest stretch in the world, but it was a secluded one and gave everyone in the houses more than enough of their own space to have some privacy.

  After glancing at Ari who was happily eating and watching something on YouTube on her tablet, I took my tea to the back of the house and sat on the outdoor sofa. It was still early enough that it was pleasant to be outside, and I sighed as a soft morning breeze blew past the house.

  I tried to focus on the incoming tide, but all I could think about was the woman staying in the next house.

  Elle.

  I looked over at the house. It was nowhere near as tidy as mine or the others on the right. It needed more than a lick of paint—it needed a whole damn French kiss of it. Everything from the walls to the shutters to the faded porch needed some love.

  It wasn’t even a question of money. It was all about time. I’d intended to have it ready for this summer, but by the time I’d done minor repairs and paint touch ups on the other houses and the bastard of a cowboy plumber had messed me around, it was the start of the seasons.

  I still couldn’t believe I’d rented it to her. For a week, no less. It was even annoying that it looked so damn good inside from what I’d seen last night. She really had done an amazing job cleaning it up, and I was grateful for what she’d done.

  But I still didn’t want her there.

  I didn’t know what to think about her. Or that bloody x-rated tape of hers.

  Usually, if someone said they didn’t know they’d made a sex tape, they were lying. A video camera or a phone was pretty fucking hard to miss. And in what was apparently a cleaning cupboard?

  I wasn’t sure if I bought her story.

  Sure, she seemed like a nice, wholesome person on the internet, but that was the problem.

  The internet was ninety-five percent absolute bullshit on a good day.

  For all I knew, in real life, Elle Evans was a raging bitch.

  All right, I didn’t believe that. She’d snapped at me last night, but it was the break of a person who’d had a shit day and pretty much wanted to be left alone, not a mean person.

  That and I probably deserved her ire a little bit.

  I hadn’t exactly been nice to her since she’d shown up.

  Not that it was my job to be. The only reason she was in that half-renovated house was because Ari had begged me. I should have put my foot down with my daught
er and said no, but I was a fucking sucker like that.

  That was why I’d told Elle to stay away. The last thing I needed was for Arielle to have her dreams slashed if Elle wasn’t who she thought she was. She was only nine. She was too young to have her heart broken like that.

  I was dreading her learning the truth about the tooth fairy. Three weeks ago, she’d spent an hour writing and decorating a letter to go with her missing tooth.

  No, if Elle Evans was an illusion that would last for a long time, she was one I wanted my daughter to keep hold of.

  Which meant keeping her away from my daughter.

  Maybe I was overprotective, but I knew that was something I’d never regret.

  “I’m done.” Ari appeared in the doorway. “Ooh, it’s cold!”

  I bit back a laugh. The child wouldn’t know cold if it hit her. One day, I’d take her back to England again—in winter. “Oh, quit it. Go brush your teeth and get changed. We have to go get some groceries today.”

  Groaning, she said, “Do I have to?”

  “Does the Earth orbit the sun?”

  “The people on the NASA videos on YouTube think it’s CGI. What’s CGI?”

  “Usually used in movies, but also by flat-Earthers. Get changed.”

  “What’s a flat-Earther? Do they make flat models of the Earth? Like a map?”

  Kids.

  “Yes. Exactly that. Now get changed. Please.”

  “Yes, Dad.”

  I glanced back. She left as quickly as she came, and I shook my head at the back of her. I had to admit, I’d never met a child who asked quite as many questions as mine did.

  I blew out a long breath and cradled my mug. The warmth of it against my palms was soothing, and the low sounds of the waves crashing against the sand only relaxed me further.

  Sitting back, I sipped my tea and looked around the beach. It was empty except for one person jogging and heading this way. As they got closer, I realized it was Elle.

  Shit.

  She was too close for me to go inside and pretend I hadn’t seen her. I didn’t have my phone either, so I couldn’t pretend that way. I was stuck in this shit situation, and her expression dropped when she saw me sitting here.