The 104-Storey Treehouse
Page 5
A Mew-sical chairs.
She sprang to the truck,
To her team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard her exclaim, as she drove out of sight,
‘Thanks for the tooth, and to all a goodnight.’
I decided to follow, for to tell you the truth,
I wanted to see what they’d do with the tooth.
Across land, sea and rivers the fairy crew flew
And not far behind them, I also flew too.
Q What flies without wings?
A Time.
For hours and hours, I followed that band
Until, finally, we reached it–the famed Fairyland!
The lights of the city were sparkling and shining
And fairies galore were all dancing and dining.
The city was holding a great celebration,
A big birthday treat for the queen of their nation.
Andy’s tooth was unloaded by the fairies with care,
Put into a cannon and shot into the air.
Q What do clams do on their birthdays?
A They shell-ebrate.
And though not a good tooth–it was badly corroded–
Andy’s molar looked great as it BOOMED and exploded!
(Who would have thought that a tooth with decay
Could produce such a wonderful fireworks display?)
Q What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A Dino-mite!
The queen thanked the fairies for her birthday surprise
And for the amazing display that had dazzled her eyes.
And that is the story of Andy’s old tooth.
I was there and I saw it and I swear it’s the truth!
Q What did one eye say to the other eye?
A ‘There’s something between us that smells.’
CHAPTER 11
LET’S GO SHOPPING!
‘Wake up, Andy!’ says Terry, shaking me roughly. Andy! Wake up!’
‘What is it now, Terry?’ I say. ‘You promised to be quiet! I’m trying to get to sleep so the tooth fairy can come!’
Q What did the werewolf eat after he had his tooth fixed?
A The dentist.
‘You did fall asleep!’ says Terry. ‘And the tooth fairy did come!’
‘Really?’ I say.
‘Yes,’ says Terry, picking up the glass. ‘Look!’
At the bottom of the glass is a shiny, brand-new two-dollar coin.
‘It worked!’ I say. ‘We’ve got the two dollars we need. But how did you know?’
‘I saw the whole thing!’ says Terry. ‘They made so much noise I was afraid they were going to wake you up.’
‘They?’ I say. ‘I thought there was only one tooth fairy.’
Q Why does Dracula clean his teeth three times a day?
A To prevent bat breath.
‘There is,’ says Terry, breathlessly, ‘but she had a whole gang of helpers and they had a little truck with a crane and a money-making machine just like ours—only it was tiny, and it didn’t make honey. I followed them back to Fairyland and I saw them use your tooth as a firework to help celebrate the fairy queen’s birthday!’
‘Are you sure you didn’t fall asleep as well?’ I say. ‘Sounds like you’ve been dreaming.’
‘No, it’s true,’ says Terry. ‘You can ask the readers. They were there too. They saw me see the whole thing!’
‘It’s not that I don’t believe you,’ I say. ‘But I think I will check with them anyway.’
Well, readers, is it true? Did Terry really see all that stuff?
Q What is Dracula’s favourite fruit?
A Neck-tarines.
‘You see?’ says Terry. ‘I told you!’
‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘sorry for not believing you. But never mind, what’s most important is that now we have enough money to buy the Joke Writer 2000™!’
Q Where can you always find money?
A In the dictionary.
I get out of bed and get dressed. We grab the rest of our money, jump onto our jet-propelled office chairs and fly as fast as we can to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop.
‘Ah, I was wondering when you’d be back,’ says Fancy Fish.
‘Do you still have the Joke Writer 2000™?’ says Terry.
‘Yes,’ says Fancy Fish, ‘but there’s been a lot of interest since you left. You’re very lucky it’s still available.’
‘We’ll buy it!’ I say.
‘An excellent decision, sir,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘Would you like it gift-wrapped? I have some very fancy wrapping paper for only two million dollars: the finest-quality wrapping paper in the land—or in the sea!’
Q What kind of ant is really good at mathematics?
A An accountant.
‘No, thanks,’ I say, ‘it’s not a gift; it’s for us—we need it for our book.’
‘As you please,’ says Fancy Fish, putting his fin out. ‘That will be four million dollars, please.’
‘Four million dollars?’ says Terry.
‘Yes, that is correct,’ says Fancy Fish.
‘But it was only two million dollars before,’ I say.
‘I know,’ says Fancy Fish, shrugging, ‘but since then the price has gone up.’
‘But this is the Two-Million-Dollar Shop,’ I say.
‘Exactly!’ he says. ‘Nothing under two million dollars. That’s our promise to you.’
‘But you can’t just double the price of something for no reason,’ says Terry.
‘I think you’ll find I can,’ says Fancy Fish, pointing to a sign above the counter.
Q What is the easiest way to double your money?
A Put it in front of a mirror.
‘Darn it!’ I say. ‘How are we going to afford the Joke Writer 2000™ now?’
‘We could wait until the price goes down again,’ says Terry hopefully.
‘I don’t think that’s going to happen,’ I say. ‘Look at that sign.’
Q How much money does a skunk have?
A One scent.
‘This shop is too expensive,’ says Terry. ‘I wish we’d never put it in our treehouse.’
‘Me, too,’ I say. ‘But, on the other hand, it’s the only shop where we can buy a Joke Writer 2000™ and we need a Joke Writer 2000™!’
‘Yeah, I know,’ says Terry. ‘I guess we’re just going to have to find another two million dollars. Maybe we could pull out some more of your teeth. The fairy queen was very happy with your last tooth. Perhaps the tooth fairy would pay us more than two dollars per tooth—especially if we explained the situation.’
‘No way!’ I say. ‘You are not pulling out any more of my teeth! Besides, I’ve got a much better idea.’
‘What is it?’ says Terry.
‘We can go to the Two-Dollar Shop and use my new two-dollar coin to buy another two million dollars. Then we’ll have four million dollars and we can come back and buy the Joke Writer 2000™!’
Q What has 100 heads and 100 tails?
A 100 coins.
‘Wow,’ says Terry, ‘you are getting much better at maths, Andy! But you’ve made a slight miscalculation. If we use your two dollars to buy two million dollars, we’ll still be two dollars short, so we need to buy two million and two dollars.’
‘Oh, yeah,’ I say.
I turn to Fancy Fish. ‘Hold that Joke Writer 2000™! We’ll be right back!’
We rush to the Two-Dollar Shop. When we arrive Pinchy McPhee is out the front beside a big pile of money and a MONEY SALE sign.
Q If there are four dollars and you take away three, how many do you have?
A You took three dollars, so obviously you have three.
‘We’re in luck, Andy!’ says Terry. ‘Pinchy is having a money sale! All the money is only two dollars! This is the best value shop in the whole treehouse!’
‘You’re right about that!’ says Pinchy. ‘How can I help you?’
‘We’d like to b
uy two million and two dollars, please,’ I say.
‘Certainly,’ says Pinchy. He grabs a big pile of cash and puts it on the counter.
‘There you go,’ he says. ‘Two million and two dollars! That will be two dollars, please. Would you like that gift-wrapped?’
Q What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
A Baby giraffes.
‘No, thanks,’ I say, ‘it’s not a gift; it’s for us—we need it to buy a Joke Writer 2000™ for our book.’
I hand over my new two-dollar coin. ‘Thanks, Pinchy!’
‘Thank you,’ says Pinchy, pinching the shiny gold coin in his pincer. ‘I think I feel a song coming on!’
‘Uh-oh,’ whispers Terry. ‘Let’s get out of here!’
When we get back to the Two-Million-Dollar Shop Fancy Fish is waiting for us, still holding the Joke Writer 2000™ in his fin.
‘Well?’ he says. ‘What’s your decision?’
‘We’ll buy it!’ I say.
‘Wonderful,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘That will be eight million dollars, please!’
Q What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A Fsh.
‘WHAT?!’ I say. ‘EIGHT MILLION DOLLARS?!’
‘YOU CAN’T DOUBLE THE PRICE AGAIN!’ says Terry. ‘IT’S NOT RIGHT AND IT’S NOT FAIR!’
‘Relax,’ says Fancy Fish. ‘Keep your scales on! I was just having a little joke. The price is still four million dollars.’
‘Phew!’ says Terry, as we dump the money on the counter. ‘For a moment there I thought we were going to have to go back to the Two-Dollar Shop and buy even more money!’
Fancy Fish sweeps all the money off the counter with a swift swish of his fancy fins and then puts the Joke Writer 2000™ in my hand. I immediately feel 110 percent funnier. This book is going to be good. This book is going to be great. This book is going to be the goodest, greatest, funniest book we have ever written!
Q What do you get when you cross a fish and a kitten?
A A purr-anha.
CHAPTER 12
JOKE-WRITING TIME
Before we can start work, however, we really need to eat. After all that stair-climbing and sleeping and shopping both Terry and I are feeling pretty hungry.
The marshmallow machine senses our hunger and starts firing marshmallows into our mouths at high speed.
Q Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A Because he didn’t want to fall into the hot chocolate.
‘I’m full!’ I say.
‘Me, too,’ says Terry.
We close our mouths and the marshmallow machine fires marshmallows at our faces for a while and then drifts away to see if anybody else in the treehouse is hungry.
‘Right,’ I say. ‘Now we can get started.’
I pick up the Joke Writer 2000™. It’s surprisingly heavy and for a moment I wonder how I’m actually going to write with it, but then something incredible happens—it leaps out of my hand and starts writing all by itself!
‘Look, Terry!’ I say. ‘It’s writing automatically! I’m not doing anything!’
Q Why did the penguin cross the road?
A To go with the floe.
‘Wow!’ says Terry. ‘That’s amazing! It’s doing all the work. I can’t wait to see why the koala fell out of the tree. I bet it will be hilarious.’
‘Well, you won’t have to wait long,’ I say. ‘It’s writing the answer right now!’
‘I was right,’ says Terry. ‘It is hilarious! Make it write another one.’
I put the tip of the Joke Writer 2000™ on the paper and it starts writing again.
Q What do you get if you cross a lemon and a cat?
A A sour-puss.
‘That’s even funnier than the first one,’ says Terry.
‘I know!’ I say. ‘This pencil is fantastic!’
‘Can I have a go?’ says Terry.
‘Sure,’ I say, passing it to him.
Terry puts the tip of the pencil on the paper. It breaks free of his grip and takes off again.
Terry laughs so hard he snorts milk out of his nose—and he’s not even drinking milk!
‘Oh, boy,’ says Terry. ‘This pencil is amazing!’
‘I know,’ I say. ‘With a pencil this funny, we’ll be able to write the funniest books ever!’
Q What do cows give after an earthquake?
A Milkshakes.
‘The Joke Writer 2000™ is worth every single dollar we paid for it,’ says Terry.
‘It sure is,’ I say. ‘It’s worth every bun that knocked us backwards, every flying fridge that almost flattened us, every single stair we climbed on the never-ending staircase and every slimy, revolting, wriggling worm we ate in the worm-snatcher’s nest. It’s the greatest pencil ever!’
As we stand there admiring the Joke Writer 2000™, we see a bird flying towards us.
‘Hey, that looks like the worm-snatcher,’ says Terry.
‘Sort of,’ I say, ‘but it’s the wrong colour.’
Q Why do witches fly on brooms?
A Because vacuum cleaners can’t fly.
Suddenly the bird dives at great speed, snatches the Joke Writer 2000™ out of Terry’s hand and takes off, back up into the sky.
‘Oh, no,’ says Terry, ‘not again!’
We are just standing there—stunned—when Jill pokes her head and shoulders up through the branches, her binoculars around her neck.
‘Did you just see a high-flying, mountain-dwelling Joke Writer-snatcher come through here?’ she says. ‘I lost track of it when it dived into the treehouse.’
Q Why did the robber take a bath?
A She wanted to make a clean getaway.
‘We saw it all right!’ I say. ‘It just swooped down here and snatched our Joke Writer 2000™!’
‘They do that,’ says Jill. ‘That’s why they’re called Joke Writer-snatchers.’
‘Don’t tell me we have to climb the never-ending staircase up to Mount Everest again,’ says Terry.
‘No,’ I say. ‘Actually, I don’t think we do. And you know what? I’m not sure that we needed to climb it in the first place.’
‘Yes, we did,’ says Terry. ‘We needed to get your tooth.’
‘I know we thought we did,’ I say, ‘but I’ve just realised that after you pulled my tooth out back in chapter six I haven’t had any toothache so I don’t really need the Joke Writer 2000™ to help me write.’
Terry frowns. ‘So if we didn’t need to climb the never-ending staircase to get your tooth,’ he says, ‘does that mean we didn’t need to pretend to be baby birds and eat all those worms?’
Q Why did the chicken cross the road and then cross back again?
A Because it was a double-crosser.
‘Well, you didn’t have to eat quite so many worms,’ I say. ‘But, no, we didn’t need to do that either.’
‘And I didn’t need to be really quiet so you could go to sleep and the tooth fairy would come?’
‘No,’ I say.
‘That means I had a bath for nothing!’ says Terry. ‘And we spent four million dollars on a joke-writing pencil that we only got three jokes out of. We could have bought the solid gold toilet seat after all! And now we don’t have any money left!’
‘I know,’ I say, ‘but it is kind of funny when you think about it.’
Terry thinks about it. And then he thinks about it some more. He frowns—and then he laughs. ‘You’re right,’ he says. ‘It is pretty funny that we did all that stuff we didn’t even need to do.’
Jill laughs, too. ‘And look on the bright side,’ she says. ‘It’s going to make a great story for your book.’
‘Yeah!’ says Terry. ‘Especially now Andy’s got his sense of humour back!’
‘I sure have,’ I say. ‘I’m feeling funny enough to write the book and all the jokes ... with your help, of course.’
Q Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
&n
bsp; ‘And mine!’ says Jill. ‘I know lots of animal jokes. Listen to this one: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘What?’
‘A dino-snore!’ says Jill.
‘That joke is not only funny, it’s true!’ says Terry. ‘Let’s get started right away!’
So we write
and we draw
Q What pen should never be used for writing?
A A pig pen.
and we draw...
and we write...
and we draw...
and we write ...
Q Why are artists no good in sports matches?
A Because they keep drawing.
and we write...
and we draw...
and we draw...
and we write ...
Q Why is a raven like a writing desk?
A Because neither is made of cheese.
and we draw ...
and we write ...
Until it’s all done—even the jokes along the bottom of each page.