All the Feels

by Danika Stone

  “Coffee,” Liv said.

  “Two coffees would be great, man,” Hank chimed.

  Xander rolled his eyes. “I’m not your man.”

  “Xander!” Liv hissed.

  “And how would you like your coffee … sir.” Xander curled the word on his tongue like a curse.

  “Lotsa cream. Two shots of hazelnut syrup, too.”

  “Delightful,” Xander sneered, his nostrils flaring in disgust. “I’ll bring it out to you right away. Please…” He gestured to the café. “Do make yourself right at home. I’m sure you know how.”

  Without waiting for a reply, Xander turned away from the counter, where the cappuccino sat steaming, and stalked, stiff-backed, into the back room. Hank smiled at Xander’s retreating back, but the expression looked more like bared teeth than kindness.

  “You know that guy?” he asked stiffly.

  “Yes,” Liv grumbled, heading to the farthest table, by the wall.

  “Seems like a dick.”

  Liv spun, and Hank stumbled to a stop.

  “Xander’s my friend,” she snapped. “My best friend. And I’d appreciate you remembering that!” From over Hank’s shoulder, Liv could see Xander gaping.

  “Sorry, Liv. I didn’t realize.”

  Hank’s eyes were worried, and guilt joined hands with her annoyance. She stormed over to the table near the far wall, hoping the distance would keep them out of Xander’s radar. Coffee had been a terrible idea.

  It wasn’t Xander who brought their drinks. The other server—Marcy, if Liv remembered correctly—brought out two steaming mugs. She placed a bill in front of Hank, but when Liv reached for hers, Marcy shook her head. “Xander covered it.”

  Liv peeked over to where Xander stood behind the counter, but he was studiously refusing to look at her. “Tell Xander I said thanks.”

  Liv took a sip and sighed. Hank watched her, smiling.

  “What?” Liv asked.

  His grin spread. “What do you mean, what?”

  “Why’d you want to have coffee?”

  Hank’s chin dropped down, and he fiddled with the handle of his cup. “I—I missed you, I guess.”

  “Oh.”

  The admission sat between them. Liv didn’t know how to answer, and Hank didn’t take it back. Seconds passed as Liv’s pulse shot back into overtime. She stared at the surface of the coffee swirling in her mug. Tiny universes rose and fell in the liquid depths as the moment dragged out into uncomfortable territory. Oh God! her mind screamed. (God didn’t answer.)

  “So tell me what you’ve been up to,” Hank said.

  “I dunno,” Liv muttered. “School, I guess.”

  “That last sociology assignment was killer.”

  “I think I did okay.” Liv’s eyes flicked up and back down, taking in the open face, the warm grin.

  Hank laughed. “I would’ve done a lot better if I’d had you to work with. Hope the final’s a little easier.” And suddenly they were talking again, the calm returned. Maybe, Liv thought, this was the start of something. Maybe Hank did like her after all. The thought that maybe—just maybe!—he’d broken up with his girlfriend in the last few days surged like a bird trapped in her chest, but it felt too crazy to be true.

  An hour later, their coffees were finished, Hank loose-limbed and grinning, Liv warily returning his smiles. Every once in a while Liv could see Xander eye them from behind the counter, but he made no move to intervene.

  “I should probably get going,” she said, reaching for her purse and standing. “It was good talking, Hank.”

  “It was,” he agreed, following her to the door. He didn’t touch her, but he was closer than he needed to be—closer than anyone stood, except for Xander—and he pushed open the door for her, waiting as she passed.

  Liv’s heart was pounding as they reached the street. She kept expecting him to head off on his own route, but Hank followed her until she reached the bus stop. He stepped into the shelter alongside her, his bulk blocking the midafternoon light. Hank’s blond hair had a golden halo, his grin that of a beatific god.

  “This was really nice, Liv.”

  “Yeah, it was.”

  He reached out, running a finger along Liv’s cheek and stopping whatever else she had intended to say. She was frozen in place. That gesture was not just friendly. That meant something. But before she could figure out what, Hank spoke again.

  “I was thinking about what happened,” he said. “I feel bad about how things ended.” Liv couldn’t think past the screaming of her brain. Hank’s hand stroked her jaw as he leaned closer.

  “I think you’re a really cool chick,” he said. “I like hanging out with you.” He moved in, his other hand circling her waist. “And I thought maybe we could do it more.”

  His hip bumping into hers dislodged a single word: “W-what?”

  Hank grinned down at her—so close by now all she saw were teeth—and then the distance disappeared entirely. They were kissing, Liv realized in shock, in the bus shelter, and anyone could see! It was so crazy she couldn’t think. He tasted sweet and syrupy, and his lips were soft—puffy almost—and Liv was distracted by the sudden fear Xander would see this.

  What am I doing? her mind shouted.

  Hank let her go, and she stumbled back, catching herself against the wall. His smile grew wolfish.

  “Liv,” he said quietly, “I had this crazy thought.”

  She took a gasping breath. “O-okay?”

  “And I’m only saying this to you ’cause you’re really cool, and I like you.” He brushed her hair from her eyes, and Liv let out a soft moan. His smile grew. “I like you a lot.”

  Liv nodded. She had no idea what was happening, but she knew she wanted Hank to kiss her again. Her entire body was humming, a panicked fervor centering on the brightness of his smile.

  Hank caught hold of Liv’s hand. “I was wondering if you’d be interested in meeting Hayley sometime.”

  Liv blinked. Her brain wasn’t adding things together. She glanced down at their twined fingers and then back up. “Hayley?” The name didn’t make sense.

  Hank nodded. “I told Hayley about you—how awesome you are, and how you asked me out that time—and she said she’d be cool if you were interested in hanging out with us, if you catch what I’m saying.” He tugged at her hand, but this time Liv didn’t move. She frowned.

  “Sorry, but who is Hayley?”

  “My girlfriend.”

  The word was a bucket of ice water. “Your girlfriend?” Her breath was gone, air sucked from her lungs.

  “I thought that you might be interested in hanging out with us.” Hank’s gaze dropped down the length of Liv’s body, and she had the sudden urge to cover her breasts. His leer made her feel naked. “Maybe get to know each other better. I think you two would really get along. We’ve done it before, you know. Two’s fun, but three’s better.” He chuckled.

  He reached for her again, but Liv got her hands up at the same time. Instead of the kiss Hank had been expecting, Liv shoved his chest. It felt like hitting a brick wall. The impact shot up her arms, jarring her shoulders.

  “What the—?”

  “I need to go,” she cried, pushing past him.

  “Where?”

  She shot him a fierce look. “Anywhere away from you!”

  Hank’s smile faded. “But I thought you liked me.”

  She turned to run.

  “Not anymore!”

  * * *

  * * *

  Liv knew something was up the moment she came in the door. A wall of odor hit her. Fried chicken pervaded the air, one of the few foods Liv truly hated. She kicked off her shoes, irritated she hadn’t gotten home in time to attempt cooking (or at least ordering) something healthier. Even soup would have been preferable. The thought of soggy fillets of breaded chicken boiling in oil turned her stomach and always had.

  “Liv?” her mother called. “That you?” Her voice sounded unnaturally chipper.

  Liv drop
ped her bag by the door. “Yeah, it’s me.”

  “Come on up. Gary and I just started to eat.”

  Liv groaned. Gary didn’t eat anything unless it was an animal. He didn’t enjoy it unless it had been fried. The smell should have been a dead giveaway of his presence.

  “I’m not sure I’m hungry,” Liv lied. If she got away now, she could grab something downtown with Xander, or eat cereal after her mom went to bed. She reached for the door handle.

  “Come up and visit then,” her mother said. “You haven’t seen Gary in ages.”

  Liv’s shoulders drooped. After their last run-in, Liv had no intention of making small talk. “All right. But just for a minute.”

  With leaden feet, Liv trudged into the kitchen. Gary was already elbow-deep in a plate of fried chicken, his lips and fingers shiny with fat. Liv’s stomach clenched in revulsion. He didn’t stop eating; he just nodded to her as she came through the doorway.

  “How was school?” Katherine asked warmly.

  Liv slumped down in her chair. “School was fine.”

  “You get that final math assignment handed in?”

  “Did that yesterday. Today was review.”

  Gary watched the interaction with docile interest, fleshy jowls swinging as he chewed.

  “So it’s just exams now?” Katherine prodded.

  “This week is still classes, then finals begin. And on that note…” Liv pushed back from the table, forcing herself to smile. “It was great seeing you, Gary, but I should get back to studying.”

  “You still doing that make-believe stuff?” Gary grunted.

  He wiped his fingers on the paper napkin and dropped it onto the tabletop beside him.

  “A-am I what?” Liv stammered.

  “The online stuff,” he said, waving shiny fingers at her. “The movies and such.”

  Liv felt her stomach contract, the smell of fried chicken mingling with her horror. She glanced at her mother, who was staring at her hands. “Mom?”

  No answer.

  “Your mother tells me you’ve been fooling around with that whole Star Trek thing for years.”

  “Starveil,” Liv said.

  “That you almost flunked high school because of it, and you’d picked it up again.”

  “That’s hardly … that’s—” Embarrassment and fury seethed under her skin, prickling like sparks.

  “Katherine said she tried to talk sense to you, but that you wouldn’t listen.”

  Liv spun on her mother. “That’s not fair! I haven’t vidded at all since we talked!”

  “And she thought we should sit down and talk about it,” Gary finished.

  Liv stared at him: the balding head, stiffly pressed shirt, the sweat rings under his arms. “Like you and I should talk?” Liv coughed. “What would that accomplish?”

  “Liv, please,” her mother said quietly. “I thought with another perspective we’d be able to find a way to get along and—”

  “I just can’t believe you told him!” Liv shot back. “You and I talked! I’m doing exactly what you asked me to. I gave up fandom for you! Why is Gary involved at all?”

  Her mother’s lips trembled. “Because it’s hard, Liv—really hard—to parent sometimes. And I can’t do it alone.”

  “I don’t know what that’s even supposed to mean. I told you I’d stop, and I’ve stopped. I’m passing all my classes!”

  “But that’s only the start,” Gary said. “Freshman year’s a cakewalk compared with real life. You think of that?”

  Liv bolted from her chair, the glasses rattling as her knee smacked the edge of the table. “Who asked you!?” she shouted. “What makes you an expert? You don’t even have kids! You’ve never been married! You’re the manager of a—a goddamned printshop!”

  “Liv!” her mother gasped.

  Gary stared at her with his dull, colorless eyes. “So what’s your game plan?”

  “My what?”

  “What are you doing after college?” Gary asked. “Where are you going with all this tech stuff? What’s the plan?”

  “I don’t have to answer that.”

  “It’s a legitimate question, Liv,” her mother added. “What are you planning to do with your life?”

  For a split second, Liv couldn’t answer. With fandom gone, she had no idea what she wanted anymore. And that was something Liv could never explain to her mother, never mind Gary.

  She stormed from the kitchen.

  “You wouldn’t understand!”

  * * *

  Liv glared at the laptop screen, the cursor pulsing in time to her thoughts. There was footage on her hard drive: unused segments from the bonus features of the various Starveil films and twice as many outtakes with Xander, music and audio clips. It was all there, ready to make another #SpartanSurvived vid.

  She just needed to break her promise to do it.

  “Liv?” her mother called from outside her bedroom. “Can we talk?”

  “No.”

  Liv slid her chair over to the door and locked it.

  “Liv, sweetie,” her mother pleaded, “I know you’re angry I talked to Gary, but if you’d just listen you’ll—”

  Liv put on her headphones and hit Play.

  The well-known trill of the Starveil theme flooded her ears, and she let out a sobbing laugh, overwhelmed by emotion. This was it. This was where she felt at home. Not at the dinner table with Gary! Not doing stupid school projects that didn’t matter. The sound of her mother’s knocking faded, and Liv sighed in relief. She needed this the same way she needed air. The last few weeks, she’d felt trapped, but now she was free.

  Decision made, Liv opened the video editor and smiled.

  It was time to bring that passion back to fandom.

  9

  “ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING.”

  (BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER)

  Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/SpartanSurvived

  Home page-Video 3: Sitrep

  The video opened up to a grainy black screen, buzzing with interference. With a blare of trumpets and flashing lights, a line of military text shot forward into center screen, breaking through the haze. It read:

  EVIDENCE MOUNTS! SPARTAN IS ALIVE AND PLANNING A RETURN TO TERRA!

  The trumpets faded into the iconic Starveil theme as the screen cut to Major Malloy. He wore the same military uniform as in the previous video, his hair combed similarly, lighting identical. In fact, if not for the change in background—a star freighter’s dingy interior—you would almost think it was the same shot. A robotic voice announced him: “Rebellion leader, Major R. C. Malloy, en route to Terra, addresses Rebel Troops.”

  Malloy nodded once at someone off-camera then, lifted his chin. “Attention, comrades,” he growled. “This is a message for Rebels across this star system and beyond.” The screen swung on a dolly, and a new image appeared on top of it: a fan-made manip of Spartan in a military hospital. A time stamp ran across the screen while Malloy’s voice continued.

  “This footage was acquired by Rebel command a few hours ago.”

  The screen snapped with static, the star freighter abruptly replaced with video of the smoking ruins of a Rebel holdout (clips that most die-hard fans would have recognized as behind-the-scenes shots from the second and third Starveil films). In the short segment, posters of Darthku’s face insolently plastered the side of random buildings, burning in the wake of an apparent attack. The footage shot forward through the flames, showing the face of a young man. It was Spartan—incongruously laughing at something or someone—alongside a lounging group of Rebel soldiers. With a buzz of interference, the footage ended.

  The music switched to the thudding bass of Darthku’s theme. From the black background, Major Malloy emerged from the shadows like a wraith.

  “Captain Spartan was assumed dead,” he said. “That assumption is incorrect!”

  The robotic voice returned: “Rebellion leader, Captain Matt Spartan, as seen in the Rebel-controlled freehold of Adonis.”
>
  Another (fan-created) clip began. This one featured spliced footage of a young Tom Grander, in another, lesser-known science-fiction role, deftly interspersed into later Starveil shots. Offscreen, Malloy’s voice rose.

  “Your determination,” he said grimly. “Your research. Your proof of Spartan’s whereabouts is the only hope we have for Spartan’s safe return.”

  The musical theme changed as another fan-generated video clip ran. This was followed by a series of photo manipulations showing Matt Spartan in various situations: flying a shuttle, fighting Darthku with a sword, saving a child from a burning building, drinking with a pixelated Malloy. With each new image, the beat of the drums rose until—with a blinding flash of light—both audio and video abruptly ended.

  From the inky darkness, the first hint of an image appeared. Pixels? Stars? For several seconds, it remained murky black splotched with gray, then the scene faded into a wide shot of the galaxy. This cut to a medium shot of Major Malloy. He stood on the top step of a war-damaged colonnade, the filtered light falling in glowing bands around him.

  “People in the Rebellion”—the screen jittered—“have seen Captain Spartan.” The image cut to a close-up of Malloy’s face, grooved with determination. “These people have given us the first hints of his whereabouts”—another jitter—“there is proof of his survival!”

  The screen brightened until Malloy’s face seemed to glow. His gaze—directly into the camera—was hypnotic. “We will bring him back … alive!”

  The #SpartanSurvived hashtag appeared, and the screen went black. For a few more seconds, the music trilled on, fading into the sound of static before disappearing altogether.

  Liv leaned back from the computer and rolled her shoulders, wincing at the telltale pop of her back. The vid wasn’t as smooth as her others had been, and some of the viewers would certainly notice she’d reused a number of scenes of Major Malloy. (Thankfully, with Xander’s laughter, they had plenty of outtakes.) She smiled bleakly. The process of hashing this vid together from bits and pieces had wrung her out, but seeing it finished left her with a sense of accomplishment. Her smile faded. Now if only she could spread that emotion beyond Starveil to the rest of her life.