Wrong Kind of Love

by Amanda Heath

  I pull up at Teagan’s dorm as Jaden calls to tell her we are here. I think about how I was just here. Grace was something I was looking forward to. I wanted to know everything about her. I’ve never had sex like that. I’ve never wanted anyone to touch me while I was fucking, but I was seconds away from untying her wrists and telling her to have a go at it.

  My mind locks up with that thought. I can’t go back to that time. Not the time with Grace, but the time when I was younger. When someone I trusted betrayed me. I live in a family full of betrayal. Sometimes I feel like I’m running away from it and no matter how fast I run its always nipping at my heels.

  Teagan walks out of the door looking like complete shit. I almost laugh out loud because there’s no way she got drunk last night. Then I think of Grace being at that party and there’s probably a good chance Teag went with her. See, I need to get my head out of my ass over some girl and pay attention to my little sister. No one is going to hurt her like I was hurt. I might seem like a caveman, but I don’t want her to go through what I did. So I go overbearing, but then again our dad has hurt her enough. And her mom. She deserves to be sheltered from the harshness of life.

  Jaden and I let her think we don’t notice she is hung-over as we make our way to our parents house. I’ll let her get away with it this time since I let my guard down, but next time she won’t have it so lucky.

  Mom and dad live about an hour from campus. It’s a drive I make every weekend and I go into autopilot. Jaden and Teagan have idle chatter back and forth but I tune them out. But that doesn’t mean my head is silent. No, I’m thinking about Grace. How her slightly tan skin glistened with sweat as I fucked her. I think about the way she felt wrapped around my dick and how good it felt to touch her. My heart feels kind of crushed because I won’t be able to do any of that again. I didn’t even get to spank her. I bet she would have liked that.

  I don’t believe in love at first sight, but the girl did a number on me. I have rules for this kind of thing but I only followed one. The tying her up. I’m not supposed to kiss them during sex, I’m not supposed to let them spend the night, I’m not supposed to get their numbers, and I’m not supposed to drive them home. I have to appear like an asshole so they don’t want more with me. I’m not boyfriend material. I never have been. That has nothing to do with why I won’t let them touch me. This is all my fathers doing. I cant help but to think if I fell in love and married, that one day I would fuck it all up and cheat. I know they were having problems and shit but that doesn’t excuse what he did. Though Teagan came of the cheating, we didn’t know about her ‘til 10 years later. I just don’t know if I could cause the pain that my mom went through. I think I would rather die.

  When we pull up to the house, mom is waiting at the door with a small smile on her face. Her blonde hair is perfectly in place and her blue eyes sparkle with the love she has for us. You have to be full of love if you have six kids and a couple of grandkids. Plus a douchebag husband. Everyone else has forgiven dad, but I can’t seem too. I do realize I wasn’t even born yet, but Mom was fucking pregnant with us. It’s complete bullshit.

  “Caden, come give your momma a hug!” mom yells since I’m the last one out of the car.

  I chuckle and pull her up into a hug and swing her around the porch. “How’s life?” I ask her when I place her back on her feet.

  “I’m still trying to get used to y’all being gone. Its getting easier everyday but maybe one day I won’t miss y’all not being here. Your father says I’m just being a woman, but I know he misses y’all too.” She pats my cheek and grabs my hand to pull me into the house.

  “We aren’t that far away, mom. Plus you have Marie and Jessica down the street. You haven’t gotten rid of all of us.” I kiss her cheek and let go of her hand.

  “I know. I’ll get used to it in no time. You go and paint. I know you have been missing your studio.” She waves me off and heads over to Teagan who is groaning on the couch. “I’ve gotta fix Teag something for that hangover.”

  I chuckle and head to the back of the house where I have a room just for my painting. There wasn’t enough room in my bedroom here for it, so mom had this built on for me. Everyone got mad about it but she simply said if any of them showed the kind of talent that I did with painting, then they could get their own studios. Needless to say they couldn’t.

  I make sure to lock the door before I pull an empty canvas out of the closet and set it up on an easel. I start mixing colors on my paint tray before I pull a stool up and start brushing the paint along the blank canvas. I sit there for hours lost in what I’m doing. I don’t take a break to eat or go to the bathroom. I’m lost in what I’m doing and I couldn’t be fucking happier. Everything goes away when I’m in here. Nothing matters except for what I’m painting and most of the time I don’t know what I’m painting until I’ve already started.

  The sun is starting to set outside the studio window. It shines through the gazebo outside, making a halo effect. I think of Grace then and how the light gave her the same effect. I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt that I won’t get to know her. I don’t want to let her go, but I would do anything for my brother.

  I turn back to my canvas and smile to myself. At least I will always have this to remember our night together. It’s a painting of Grace naked on my bed with her wrists tied to my headboard. Her face is expressing the pleasure she felt as she came. Her blue eyes are wide and her teeth are biting down on her bottom lip.

  I painted it to show her looking up at the viewer like they were the one thrusting inside her. Making her feel those things etched into her face. I wanted to paint her entire body and me inside her but that just seemed way to creepy. I don’t do creepy.

  Video games were my way of escaping reality. I know being a girl, there were a lot of other things that could have been helpful in this department. Like reading, which Teagan is always doing. I was never much of a reader myself. If I didn’t like the way things were going or even a certain character, I had to put the book down and move on. So yeah not for me.

  I can remember being eight and playing Wario 3 on my Gameboy color. Wario happens to be Mario’s crazy cousin and the game was honestly silly but I loved it. It gave me something to do so I wouldn’t think about all the messed up stuff going on around me.

  Now a days I’m obsessed with Borderlands. You can’t imagine how easy it is to let go of your anger and resentment when you’re out there killing scags. Which for you non-gamers is a dog like creature on the planet Pandora, where the game is set. You get to play as one of four characters that are referred to as vault hunters. I usually go for Lilith because she is the only girl and she is totally badass.

  Teagan usually spends her Saturdays at her parents so I get the room to myself. That’s when I pull the PlayStation out of my closet and go to town. So you can imagine I’m quite pissed off when my phone starts ringing while I’m in the middle of a shoot out with a bunch of bandits. (The outlaws on Pandora) The psychos are as you can probably guess crazy. They wear these masks and come running right at you. When a fire bandit kills me I toss my controller on my bed and answer my phone with a pissed off “What?”

  “Getting your face eaten off by a scag?” Aiden laughs into the phone.

  “No a fire bandit. What do you want?” I lay back on the bed hoping he doesn’t want to have a long conversation about nothing. Aiden is a hopeless romantic and often goes on and on about some guy he’s into. I believe in love but I don’t believe in the needing to talk about it all the damn time.

  “We need to talk about your little love fest with Mr. Caden Harper last night. I’ve told you which brother you need to go for. Caden isn’t good for you. Plus if mom or Daniel ever came here they would look for the badest boy and see if you’re trailing behind him.”

  I huff. “I do not like bad boys. Caden isn’t even that bad; he’s just a womanizer. The guy paints for crying out loud.” I’m tempted to throw my hands up in the air, but I know he can
’t see me so that would be pointless.

  “Do you know what he paints? He has an entire wall at the local gallery of naked women. He’s pretty much famous around here for them. Plus he has been arrested for drunk driving and fights this semester.”

  “How the hell do you know all that? What, are you stalking him?” It honestly amazes me how much Aiden knows about people. He was always a nosy bastard.

  “You wouldn’t know because Teagan doesn’t know. They keep that poor girl out of all the dirty laundry. Probably because she was once considered dirty laundry. Anyway I have made friends with Jaden and he felt the need to tell me all this. He was drunk, mind you, but I guess he doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to.”

  I huff again. “He is best friends with that red shirt dude. What the hell is his name?” I tap my index finger on my chin honestly trying to think of his name. “Declan Sage! I would have been interested there but his eyes are alert and telling. Plus he is way too brooding.”

  “Jaden doesn’t tell him anything. I think Jaden is more there for Declan than Declan is there for Jaden. Poor boy.” Oh lord. Aiden has the hot’s for Jaden Harper.

  “This is all irrelevant anyway. Jaden wouldn’t go after me now since I have been touched by Caden.” Damn why do I feel the need to explain myself? “I was drunk and he was so hot. He called me Angel and wanted to dance. I have been flirting with Jaden for weeks and it was nice to have some attention.” I sigh before going on. “Plus he reminded me of Justin. I just wanted to feel close to him again. Then Caden turned out to not be anything like Justin. So now I really like Caden. I can’t explain it, but I feel like we get each other. The sex was amazing and if I’m completely honest, it was the best I have ever had.”

  Aiden chuckles. “You have it bad. I never thought I would see the day you felt something real for someone other than Justin.” Yeah well me either.

  “What do I do? I kind of feel like I’m betraying Justin.” I can look back now and see what a huge mistake I made with Justin. I shouldn’t have ended things with him because he found out what I was hiding. I feel awful about it.

  “I told you that I thought you were an idiot for breaking up with him. Not that you listen to me. So what if he found out? He loved you no matter what. That boy would have gone to the ends of the world for you.”

  “Thanks, that makes me feel so much better.” I spit out sarcastically, “I just couldn’t deal with him knowing. I was ashamed.” I feel a tear start to slip down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.

  “It’s not something to be ashamed of. Daniel should be the one ashamed. He was the one who abused us. It’s not our fault, it’s his.”

  I sniff quietly and pretend that I’m not hurting. “Yeah but I’m ashamed that I didn’t protect you. He molested you Aiden. He only beat me. What kind of sister am I? To just let that happen?”

  “First off, I’m the older brother I’m supposed to protect you. In a way I did. I’m happy that you don’t have to carry this burden around with you like I do. It’s painful and hard. Second you didn’t let it just happen. You were beat because it was happening to me and you tried to stop it. If you don’t stop blaming yourself, I’m going to come over there and tickle you.”

  I laugh through the sobs that rack my body. “You know I hate being tickled.” I take a deep breath and smile through my tears. “I love you so much Aiden. Thank you for giving up everything to get me out of there.”

  “I love you too, Grace. And getting out of there was for both of us. I would never have left without you. And start calling me David. If anyone hears you say Aiden we could be caught.” He warns.

  “I know. It’s just really hard to think of you as a David.” I giggle. We say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone.

  I’m left wondering what in the hell I’m going to do. I don’t think my parents would come looking for us in Arkansas, but if they ever did, Aiden is right. They know I would cling to my past and Caden is a lot like Justin. They look a like and apparently they have the same arrest history. Justin was always getting into fights and driving drunk. He is reckless, but I loved him anyway. He made me happy and I miss that.

  What I’m scared of the most is that the wrong guy is what makes me happy now. I shouldn’t want Caden the way I do. He’s what I should be staying away from. If I were with Jaden, our relationship would be over looked. But I don’t know if I can let go of these feelings I have for Caden.

  I used to make fun of cheerleaders in high school. So imagine my surprise when Aiden told me I would be a cheerleader here. I should have known when he dyed my hair blonde and made me wear designer clothes. Maybe that is a bit stereotypical but he was right on the money. My parents would never look for me with blonde hair and cheering on a squad. It goes against everything I am. I even hate football. It’s the most useless sport known to man, yet it makes the most money. I can’t understand why people want to watch guys throw a ball down a field and tackle each other to the ground. The only good thing about it is the skintight pants that show off some really fine asses.

  Walking out onto the field sidelines in my stupid uniform isn’t something I would normally spend my Saturday night doing. Oh how I wish I could be in my baggy clothes and playing FallOut 3. One of the best games ever made other than Borderlands.

  I hear Claire screeching at the other girls to get in the lineup and I roll my eyes. That bitch needs the stick pulled out of her ass. I used to think it was because her and all-star jock Declan broke up, but Cassidy went to high school with her and said she has always been this way.

  “Grace, so nice of you to join us!” Claire eyes me up and down and I cringe on the inside. The bitch actually told me to lose ten pounds, like I was fat or something. Yeah I have some curves, but I am not fat. I weigh 140 and I’m 5 foot 5. It’s the perfect weight. “I thought I said you needed to lose some pounds not gain any?” She bats her eyelashes like she said something sweet.

  I have learned since joining these girls to just ignore her. She only gets worse if you add fuel to the fire. So I nod my head and smile. They all think I am simple minded. A true airhead. Wouldn’t they love to find out I have amazing common sense and a 4.0 GPA when I finished my junior year. Take that and stick it up your ass.

  Seeing I’m not going to do anything about her insults, Claire turns around and starts eyeing Declan like he’s a piece of meat. Gross.

  I sit on the ground to start stretching when I feel eyes on me. From the front and the back. I look up to see a pair of dark blue eyes checking me out. Jaden smiles softly and nods. I can’t help the goofy grin that takes over my face. It’s what Grace would do. Hell who am I kidding? I would do it too. He has his gear on but not his helmet. His black hair shines in the setting sun and I can’t help but to think that he is gorgeous, but he’s not his brother.

  When he walks off I turn around with the smile still on my face. Caden stands there looking confused and then pissed. His light blue eyes pierce me where I’m sitting. His blonde hair falls into his face and despite the look on his face, I can’t help but to check out the low-rise jeans barely hanging on to his hips. His black shirt hugs all his muscles and I find myself licking my lips. Heat flares in his eyes before he turns around and stalks off.

  Maybe I’m playing a game I don’t know how to win.

  Just before the game starts I hear, “Grace!” called out from behind me.

  I whip my head around to spot Teagan standing at the rail of the bottom of the stands. I plaster a big goofy grin on my face. “Hey, hon! I was hoping to catch you before you went home with your brothers this morning but somebody didn’t come home!” I squeal at her, hugging her through the rail.

  “Yeah about that; I have a quick question before I need to get back to my family,” She tells me, grabbing my hands.

  “Shoot.”

  “Whose house were we at last night?” She asks with excitement lacing her voice.

  “Oh, I have no idea, hon. Cassidy just called, invited me over, and gave me direct
ions. I didn’t even think to ask. Why?” I question propping a hand on my hip. She is up to something.

  “Crap, you were my best bet. I swear, I will explain tonight when you get back to the dorm.” She sighs in frustration.

  “Well, okay, but I’m dying to know where you were so I’m going to skip the after party. I had enough last night. My head has been killing me all day.” I frown and walk back toward the other cheerleaders.

  Truth be told, I just don’t want to have to be Grace tonight. I doubt I get out of it though.

  Was she playing both of us? It wouldn’t be the first time a girl tried to be with us both. It makes me sick to my stomach that Grace would do something like that. I think back on the girl I met last night. Super sexy, feisty, and real. She wasn’t fake with me at all. I have never been with a girl who was so responsive. It kind of threw me for a loop. God, I want her to be real. I think I might go crazy if she really goes after Jaden.

  It’s been years since we actually physically fought, but I feel it coming. If something happens between Jaden and Grace, I’ll knock his damn face in. I know I shouldn’t feel like I do. I know I should let her go, but my heart and my brain are fighting for me to fight for her. Crazy. I don’t let girls get close. I don’t let anyone get close really. They might find out what I have been trying so hard to hide.

  If anyone did find out, it would end me.

  I take my time going back up the steps, watching Teagan make her way down the steps on the other side of the seats. I stop when I notice she is trying to talk to Grace. I wonder if she will tell her about last night? If she doesn’t, I don’t know whether to think she doesn’t want to hurt her, or she wants Jaden to know and Teagan knowing would mess up her chances.

  The two girls hug and talk for a minute before Teagan looks defeated. My heart starts racing thinking she actually told her, but just then Grace meets my eyes. Her gaze is soft and speaks volumes. In that look she tells me that our secret is safe. When she bites her lower lip I groan. I want those pink lips on mine, sucking my nipple or wrapped around my dick. I’m finding its torture to want what you can’t have. Though it doesn’t feel wrong at all. Does that make me an asshole?