Goodbye To Tomorrow

by Theresa Hodge

  So here I am in his car, being driven to his club to see “the good life.” It can be, as long as I am by his side, it can be. I thought to myself.

  "What thoughts are running amok in that brain of yours, Karine?" He asked while his eyes were focused on the road.

  "I am thinking about how bad this idea is." I couldn't help but be honest.

  "Bad decisions make good stories," he said with a smile on his face.

  Tell me how am I supposed to tell him 'no' while he seems so happy? I won’t do it.

  "We are here," he announces thirty minutes later and helped me get out of the car.

  “Great!”

  "We'll have some lunch first, if that’s okay with you? Then I will show you the club," he explained.

  "Doesn’t the club open when you say so?" I repeated his words.

  "It does, but it would be weird if we were the only people in the club. The crowd will start coming in for drinks around lunch time, and thereafter," he said and I nodded, probably because I found the rationale behind that sentence. But a part of me was still thinking that we were doing something wrong.

  Then the time just started to fade away; we were having lunch, talking and eating at the same time. The most important thing was that a smile was on his face, all the time. It was like he wasn't my boss and I wasn't his nurse; he wasn't ill, and I wasn't drinking with him even though that was forbidden. There were only two of us and we were spending the time like we didn't care about tomorrow.

  "It's time," he stated after a few hours.

  "But am I dressed properly for the club?" I asked.

  "You're perfect the way you are," he said, and I didn’t want to read too much into those words. He was just being nice...He’s a nice guy. I repeated in my mind, but that didn't stop my cheeks from becoming flushed. Luckily, he didn't see that.

  "Come on," he replied, and I followed him.

  The noise was so loud that I wasn't able to hear my thoughts; Jiraiya was doing more than okay.

  "You said that you haven't had any alcoholic beverages in a while!" I repeated his words in a serious tone.

  "Correct. I haven't. But even though you're on a diet, that doesn't mean you're not allowed to look at tasty food," he said.

  "Just relax and dance!"

  "I’m not a very good dancer," I said, trying not to look embarrassed.

  "Just follow me," he said and came closer to me, putting one hand on my waist to pull me in closer. After only a few minutes, I was dancing with him like I was born to be held this close in his arms.

  "That's right!" He said and smiled so hard his eyes crinkled at the corners.

  I was shining. A young woman having fun for the first time in her life, wild and with a person I liked—it seemed like a dream. We were drinking, laughing and truly happy...swaying to the music.

  "It's so loud in here!" I shouted near his ear a he bent his head to hear me. He just grinned and pulled my body closer. Our professional relationship was forgotten, and we were simply having fun.

  "Do you want to take a break and go somewhere else?" He asked, with sparkling eyes. I knew that sparkle; I felt shivers down my spine when his hand touched my back. But because I was tipsy, I was going with the flow.

  "Let's go somewhere else," I suggested. I bit my lower lip, having no idea what I was doing. A naughty smile appeared on his face and he just nodded while his hand was holding mine.

  "There are a few rooms on the third floor. We can have some privacy there," he suggested.

  "But this is a club." I said and started to giggle, not realizing what exactly was funny. We walked up to the bar area and he told me to wait as he went around the bar and went through a swinging door. He was back a few minutes later with a key card in his hand.

  We took a glass elevator up to the third floor in relative silence.

  "Here we are," Jiraiya said when he unlocked the room door and invited me inside.

  "Why are we here?" I asked him, slowly teasing him while my hands were holding the fabric of my simple maxi dress. His eyes were intense as he looked me over from head to toe.

  Jiraiya and I came from totally different worlds but, in that moment, he was looking at me like I was a goddess. Or that's what I wanted to believe. Then everything became blurry and messy. We were both drunk and my eyes were closed for a long time until he made me open them because of what he was doing. My dress was on the floor. He didn't wait for me to take off his shirt; it was on the floor after just a few seconds. The tips of his fingers were playing with my body and I was quietly moaning, not wanting to be loud. One fast movement and my bra was off; another move and I was standing naked in front of him.

  "You're so beautiful..." he said as his lips touched my skin.

  Slowly, he was kissing my neck, moving lower to my breasts, leaving a trail to know which spots on my body he kissed and which ones he wants to kiss again. Completely drunk I took the rest of his clothes off and pushed him to the bed, getting on the top. Jiraiya had other ideas; he rolled me over onto my back. The desire was growing fast in me and all I was able to feel were his hands on my skin and his lips on my body. Teaser...that's who he is.

  On the one hand, I knew I should stop all this; that this wasn’t the right thing to do. I was his nurse and most likely he didn’t care at all about me. But as I said before, I was the woman nearest to him and maybe he just wanted to boost his ego and somehow feel better. To heal his bruised ego from the loss of his fiancée, Gracen.

  On the other hand, I didn’t want this feeling to stop. Maybe because it was easier to just let go, maybe because I wanted this so badly and probably because I was almost drunk (ignore the ‘almost’ part). I needed to let go and just be in the moment. Jiraiya meant more to me than he knew…

  His kisses became serious and I was answering them with even more passionate ones.

  “You’re so beautiful…” He said again and, after just a few seconds, he was inside my wetness. “You’re so damn tight, like a virgin,” he grunted out.

  Because I was drunk, I didn’t feel a lot of pain from him being so huge but deep inside me, I knew that the two times I had sex before didn't compare to being with a real man like Jiraiya. In my heart of hearts I wish he had been my first. In love with romance I should have waited for the right one, maybe that’s the reason why my boyfriend cheated on me. There were girls ready to sleep with him now, not paying attention to the fact he had a girlfriend and he thought that it was okay because I didn't give it up as much as he desired.

  I still remember his voice when I found out what he did in the bed, in his apartment. He even had a reason to defend himself of why he cheated on me.

  “I am a man,” he had said like that was an explanation; as a woman, I should understand. Well, I didn’t…

  While Jiraiya was deep inside me, faint moans escaped from my lips. I bit his earlobe while my nails were digging into his back, inviting him in, offering him more.

  "Karine, will you miss me when I'm gone?” Jiraiya asked, sliding almost all the way out of me, and then pushed all the way in to the hilt. I let loose a keening moan before I found the breath to respond.

  “Don't talk like that. You are here with me now, and I will cherish every moment of the time we have together,” I said softly, wrapping my legs tighter around his trim waistline.

  “I never want you to forget what this feels like,” he told me.

  "I will never forget; how could I forget the most precious moments of my life?” I asked.

  “When I'm no longer of this earth, I want you to remember that you are special to me, Karine. I've felt this way for a while now. I don't want you to ever think that you are just another warm body for me. Sweetheart, you have wormed your way into my heart,” his voice was low and full of emotion Tears welled up in my eyes as he sustained his slow long thrusts; I vibrated with an impending orgasm.

  “I won’t ever forget. This is my solemn promise,” I assured him.

  “I won't be a selfish bastard. When I'm gone
, I want you to find happiness with someone who will cherish and love you in a way you deserve. I will forever remember your loving care of me Karine—as long as I have breath left in me,” he whispered.

  “Oh Jiraiya,” my words came out shaky. His confession, made me want to cry. I prayed a silent prayer to let Jiraiya remain with me forever. I wanted—no, I needed to get to know everything about him. I needed him to know everything about me.

  Jiraiya must have sensed the hot salty tears sneaking from my eyes. His thrusts slowed as he pulled away from me to gaze into my misty eyes.

  "Sweetheart, don't cry for me. I just wish I had met you sooner in life, before I became...," he started to say but I placed a finger against his lip to stop him.

  "Shush. I already know how you feel. I feel the same way, but I wouldn't trade anything for knowing the man you are right now."

  "Oh Karine!" He grunted before burying his face in my breasts. He held my hips in a vise-like grip, and slammed his cock into forcefully.

  "Ahhh, mmmm," I gasped as the most delicious sensations vibrated through my core. My toes curled as the first orgasm ripped through my being. My hips in an upward arch meeting him...thrust for thrust. I could barely catch my breath when he was plummeting back into me. There was nothing sick or frail in the way Jiraiya made love to me. Sickness be damned... he was still all hard tone muscle and a pumping machine… All man.

  “I love you,” he startled me with his declaration, and I started to shiver all over my body.

  “I love you more,” I confessed on an exhale.

  I was able to see his eyes and I had seen what I had wanted to see. No, those words weren’t for me, because his eyes were searching for something else. Alcohol gave him the possibility to forget but his body had not forgotten.

  “Gracen, my love!” The name fell from his lips like a prayer.

  Those words made my eyes open widely; those words felt like a slap in my face. His eyes were closed, and I felt that he had fallen asleep, which he did after just a few seconds, not knowing how to control his body.

  It was like the alcohol evaporated from my body. I became more than conscious, and a small tear trailed down my face. I stood up from the bed and called an Uber. I did not want to be there when Jiraiya woke up.

  I dressed silently and closed the doors of the room; holding back my tears as I looked at him for the last time. I could not tell why the tears wanted to flow, were they tears of joy that I’d finally given myself away to a man I loved? Or of sadness that Jiraiya, a dying man could never love me? Why was my heart breaking like this? I always knew his heart belonged to another. That fact wasn’t anything new. I love him! The words thundered through my head. This was the answer… I loved a man who could never belong to a simple woman like me. This is the reason why I don’t trust love. But even with all the thoughts that ran through my mind, there was a certain rush of joy that overcame me as I approached my home. I was actually glad it had happened... My memories would bring me comfort...in time.

  The first thing that caught my attention when I walked into my home was the ringing of my cell phone. I pulled it out and saw Nadia’s name on the screen. Nadia had been my best friend when we were kids; the only girl I had ever trusted. She must have sensed I needed a friend right now; her call is right on time. Pressing the answer button, I held the phone to my ear

  “Hey, Nadia.”

  “What’s up girl? It’s been forever since we talked.

  “I know. I have been busy at work.

  “So how is working for your crush going for you?” My best friend asked.

  “It’s not going well at all. I think I messed up,” I went on to catch her up on what has been happening in my life, about the date I had with Jiraiya. I left out the end-of-the-date details.

  “Wow, Karine. So, how was your date?” she asked in a surprised tone of voice. I wondered...Would she think I was easy and stupid if she knew what I had done?

  "It was interesting," I replied honestly as I closed the door behind me. I scanned the room, my eyes landing immediately on the bed. I considered lying on it and curling into a ball to forget my troubles. I sighed.

  “So, did he ask you out again?” Nadia probed.

  I flopped down on my bed; I switched the phone to my other ear.

  “Yeah, he did.” I lied, too embarrassed to say anything more.

  “What did you say?” Nadia asked.

  “I said yes,” I replied

  “You want to see him again?” my best friend echoed.

  “Yeah, why wouldn’t I? He’s my dream crush, after all."

  “But you know how things are with you, and he is…well...you know, he’s gravely ill. How are you two going to work it out if this continues?”

  “I already know that he is not looking for anything serious, Nadia. I knew that before I even considered accepting his date,” I added somewhat truthfully.

  “Yes, I know that but sometimes things change, Karine. There are things out there that you can’t possibly control… like meeting the notorious Jiraiya. I bet you never expected to go out on a date with him.”

  “I don’t see how this is relevant, Nadia.”

  “I am just saying!” Nadia exclaimed. “Besides, if he wasn’t looking for anything serious with you, why would he have asked you on another date, right?”

  “I am not too sure about that one," I answered. “He’s probably just testing the waters, like I am doing right now. He probably just needs someone to talk to and make him feel like he is not alone and forgotten, given what he is going through. There’s no point in me stressing about it.”

  “So, you wouldn’t mind if he tells you he only wants to have fun?” my best friend said bluntly.

  “Honestly? I wouldn’t really care if he said that,” I declared and surprisingly, meant it. I loved him enough to give him whatever he needed to make him happy.

  “Whatever you say, Karine”

  A smile crossed my face. “How was your night? You finally made up with your boyfriend?”

  “Surprisingly yes. He apologized to me but that’s old news. We must do better, Karine to stay in touch.”

  “Yes, we do,” I echoed as I leaned against the headboard of the bed.

  “How is your mom? Is she still with your sister?”

  “Yes, she is. I want to hear more about your boyfriend’s apology. I know what a hothead you can be sometimes.”

  “He apologized, and I didn’t feel like making him feel any worse than he already did, so I decided to let it go.”

  “That easy, huh?” I replied with surprise tinged in my tone.

  I heard my best friend sigh on the other end. “Nah. It’s not that easy wanting to marry an infuriating man. But he’s a great guy and has sacrificed a lot for me already, so I don’t think I can go a day without talking to him.”

  “Well, good for the both of you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I’m going to get ready for a much-needed night of sleep right now,” I informed her. We spoke for a few moments more before hanging up. I was left alone in my bed, mulling over what had happened tonight. I got ready for bed and went to sleep with thoughts of Jiraiya heavy on the brain.

  Chapter 12

  Jiraiya

  The Morning After

  I woke up with a headache, where was I? The huge bed that I was in felt unfamiliar. What in the name of the Lord had happened here? The taste of alcohol clung heavily to my taste buds…

  I stood up from the bed and held my head in my hands.

  What have I done?

  The memories came pouring in like a raging flood. “Fuck!” I exclaimed and looked around the room for Karine. “Karine,” I called out but no answer. I walked across the floor to the bathroom, but she wasn’t there either. I took my cell phone from the attached clip on my pants and called Karine. Karine, the only person who showed me more care than I showed myself.

  “Karine!” I shouted at the phone.

  “Good morning to you too,” she greeted in a cool tone.
>
  “I’m sorry, I made a mistake,” the words flew out my mouth of their own accord.

  “You did?” Her voice changed while she was waiting for the rest of my words, while she was waiting for something.

  “I don’t remember anything from last night,” I changed my mind at the last second to explain myself further. Karine deserved so much more than the likes of me.

  “Oh, well… We were at the club and after a few drinks I got a call and I needed to go…. We said our goodbyes, what happened then, I have no idea." She responded.

  “Are you sure?” I wanted her to curse me out, tell me to go to hell or something. I held my breath. Hell, maybe I had dreamed up last night. Alcohol and meds might make me hallucinate.

  “I need to go, Jiraiya. I spent the night at my mom’s house last night. Oh, and if you don’t mind...can we can keep this going out thing between ourselves, please? Your parents would be mad if they knew that I was partying with you and that we had too much to alcohol,” she said.

  “Oh, come on. You won’t be fired,” I said, trying not to roll my eyes or say something sarcastic. “I am the one paying you, not my parents.”

  “Okay. I need to go,” she muttered and ended the call.

  Alone again. I felt a sadness overcome me like the sadness I felt when I lost Gracen. Somehow, someway this felt much worse. I can’t help feeling like I’ve disappointed Karine. Slowly, I made my way to the shower and stood under the hot steaming spray. I dressed and left the room, and the quietness of the darkened club behind. I felt simply dejected.

  “She is angry…” I whispered to myself.

  Karine still wasn’t at my place when I got there, but there were several messages from my parents. Father was wondering where I was. Amazingly, I can have the whole world and my parents will still think that I am a child. Shit!