Goodbye To Tomorrow

by Theresa Hodge

Despite the cold water we were immersed in, I felt shockingly warm with him in front of me. His body heat radiated, encircling me as we kissed once more. It started out slow as if he was taking his own sweet time. I got used to it, telling myself not to rush the kiss, to enjoy this moment.

  Heart thumping loudly, I pulled myself closer to him so that my breasts brushed against his chest. My nipples hardened as my heart beats increased. I heard Jiraiya groan in my mouth before one of his hands dropped down between us, cupping my bare breast and squeezing it. I gasped, caught off guard from the contact.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but he took that chance to sweep his tongue in. His male scent exploded inside my nostrils, our tongues swiping at each other’s as if hungry and desperate for more. His finger swept over my nipple, making it harden as another moan slipped from my mouth. I found myself wrapping my legs around his tapered waist, my thigh brushing against his hard erection.

  “Jiraiya," I gasped.

  “Shh” he responded before taking my mouth again; we kissed for so long that I lost track of time. I no longer knew where I was. The only thing my mind was focused on was Jiraiya and the way he was caressing my body with his hands and mouth. He could easily bring me to ecstasy.

  He pinched my nipple and my back arched. His hands were all over my body now, touching my bare breasts and feeling the weight of them in his palms. The only thing I could feel was the loud thump of my chest and the wetness that slid down between my thighs. I had never been so aroused; I was so caught up in the pleasure that I began to lose all my bearings. If it weren’t for the loud barking that came from somewhere on the beach, I wouldn’t have stopped.

  We broke apart, eyes wide as a chill ran down my body. I looked around, hearing a dog barking by the shore—probably about to draw its owner’s attention. I had totally forgotten about Jiraiya as I began to swim back but when he called out to me I stopped. The thing was he did not call my name; if I had heard him correctly, he had screamed out Gracen’s name instead. This was the second time Gracen’s name fell from his lips when we were together, intimately. When was I going to ever learn? You are a damn fool, Karine. My mind screamed out...tormenting me even further.

  *****

  Jiraiya

  My heart sank immediately when I realized the name that escaped, unfettered, from my lips. What the hell have I done? I had made a mistake that I probably would regret for the rest of my life. I had called out Gracen’s name instead of Karine’s. I watched as she walked away angrily. She got her bikini top and dressed; when I finally got to her, she just asked me to take her home.

  On the drive home, gloomy silence hung between us. That pained me terribly. I became lost in my own thoughts and let them wash over me like acid rain.

  I had gotten so attached to Karine these past days, weeks, and months. I had started to have actual feelings for her, although I could not be sure that I could ever get over Gracen leaving me in the way that she did. Not having closure was a beast. Gracen had been part of my very existence. I never thought that a day would ever come that she would not be by my side; it was so hard getting over her. I had so much that I needed to do if I truly wanted to erase that chapter from my life. There were still many things that held me back from making peace before it was too late.

  I sat down and tried to fathom how anybody deserved to go through what I was going through. Sometimes I prayed but I prayed with my faith flickering. Sometimes I wondered if that day would come when my dilemma would finally come to an end. I could feel my skin cringing even at the slightest thought of the impossibility because there wasn’t even a glint of hope that the situation could be short-lived.

  Sometimes I prayed to God to never wake me up. I blamed God. I asked a lot of questions. I tried to figure out what exactly I did wrong in my lifetime. I wondered if leaving, running away, would offer a better experience to my eminent end. At least it was worth the trial to a painless end. Somehow, I knew what I had to do. So, I made up my mind. I knew what I had to do now...before I lost all my ability to do for myself.

  Once we arrived home, Karine jumped from the car before it came fully to a stop. I slowly got out, trudged up the path to my doorway to unlock the door. She swept past me without a word, and she stormed to her bedroom. I shook my head in sorrow and went to my room after securing the door. I gathered all the pictures of Gracen that I still had and burned them. I made sure that I watched them burn so that I would be sure that they were really gone. It was silly, but I had to. I deleted all the pictures I had of her on my computer and cell phone. I threw away everything that even reminded me of her. She had left me to die and maybe I was going to die but I was not going to die while still thinking about her. I was not going to lose sweet Karine because of Gracen. I was the one that caused Karine’s grief, but she was truly the one who occupied my heart now. Despite my health and the pains, she still stuck with me. I owed her my complete heart and devotion. I needed to make things right.

  Chapter 13

  Karine

  Forgetting Gracen

  A couple of days passed after the incident. Jiraiya had avoided talking about what happened. We were strictly employer/employee again. I grew worried that he had suddenly changed his mind about me; I just could not stand it. I knew I should be angry: I felt like he was never going to get over Gracen. Maybe he was just using me to pass the time; he probably had already concluded that he was going to die, so he just did not want to die alone. I instantly felt bad; he had not even apologized to me. Maybe he felt like I was not up to his standard after all.

  I dropped my face in my palms, knowing he had already made his escape from me. It was probably a good thing since I would no longer make a fool of myself. I should have known that this would become a disaster; I should have guessed things would turn out this way. He had even told me to take some time off from work, that he would be fine without me. So, I came home.

  Shaking my head, I got up from my bed and grabbed my phone. I was supposed to be meeting Nadia in an hour or two but, guessing my best friend was probably still in bed, I thought about getting an early breakfast. I could really use the time away from him, maybe it would do us both good.

  Nadia and I decided to go out for lunch later, but I didn’t know whether I should get something to eat now. It would likely piss Nadia off but it would stop the rumbling in my belly.

  I got dressed and pulled my hair up into a high ponytail; I decided not to wear any makeup. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a plain, Old Navy t-shirt. I didn’t have anything fancy to go out in today, so there was no point trying to look good when I was only grabbing food. Taking a quick look in the mirror, I headed out; luckily, there was no one around to see the effect of crying myself to sleep.

  I went to the restaurant where Nadia and I were to meet. The waitress showed me to a table, and I told her I wanted the buffet. I was going to wait for my friend to arrive before I fixed my plate, but I skipped breakfast after much deliberation. My nose quickly caught a whiff of fresh bread and freshly brewed coffee; my stomach growl even more. I grabbed a plate and filled it with everything that looked good, wanting to satisfy the cravings. My cell phone buzzed. I set my plate down and dug into my handbag. Nadia had texted that something had come up and she couldn’t make it. Well, good thing I decided to start without her, I thought to myself.

  I walked back towards my table, my plate in hand. There was a massive window directly across from where I was sitting, that offered me a chance to study the view outside. Just before I made it to my table, I heard a familiar, deep male voice. “Karine?” the man called confusion in his voice.

  I turned around slowly, as if in slow motion, to find Jiraiya standing a few feet away from me.

  “Jiraiya," I greeted, surprised to find him here. “What are you doing here?”

  “I was going to go up to your home and surprise you,” he said slowly. “Surprise!”

  “Well, I am surprised," I said, blinking and unable to process the fact that he was standing in
front of me. I blinked my eyes several times to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating.

  He glanced at my plate. “Are you about to have lunch?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I was supposed to catch lunch with Nadia, my best friend, in a couple of hours, but she cancelled.”

  There were a few people looking at us now, probably because Jiraiya made an impressive figure in his slim fit pants and tailored jacket. I felt underdressed standing next to him in my t-shirt and jeans.

  “Great, then I am just in time,” he said as he headed over to the buffet bar. Jiraiya grabbed a plate and began loading food onto it.

  “I missed out on breakfast, so I’m starving...for a change. Where do you plan on sitting?”

  “I was about to sit at the back there,” I pointed to where I planned on enjoying my lunch. “You’re more than welcome to sit with me if you’d like.”

  “Thank you, Karine. I would like that very much,” he looked down on me with expressive green eyes. I hurriedly looked away. I didn’t like the feeling of getting lost in his beautiful gaze.

  Jiraiya followed me to the table. I pulled out my chair and sat down to eat. He was quiet as if he had nothing to say to me. I felt an awkward silence hanging in the air between us, something that hadn’t been between us before the night at the beach. I took a bite of my buttery roll and studied the bright blue sky outside the window. It was if it the view was the most interesting thing in the world right now.

  I didn’t know what to say to him. As much as I wanted to ask him what had taken so long; why he hadn’t spoken to me; I knew that would probably not be a good idea. I didn’t want to look desperate, so I decided to cross that thought out of my mind. A few more moments of silence, and then

  “What are you really doing here, Jiraiya?” I asked him in a straightforward, no-nonsense manner.

  He blinked at me as if puzzled. I wasn’t falling for that act again. I had no intention of being a substitute for Gracen. Either you choose me or you lose me.

  "What do you mean?”

  I stared at him, unimpressed. “You know exactly what I mean so don’t pretend that you don’t. What is it that you want from me, Jiraiya? You stopped talking to me. You gave me time off. You haven’t called. And now you show up? This isn’t some romantic movie where the hero shows up, offers a lame apology, and all is right with the world.” “Well..." he said. “I was going to apologize for the other night. Ask your forgiveness, for everything. For not calling and for shutting you out. I am so sorry; I can only imagine how disappointed and angry you are. Trust me; I used the time to do a lot of thinking, to figure out why the hell I was doing what I was doing.”

  “Well, I think you’ve made it pretty clear that you’re not interested in me,” I said truthfully. “Let’s not beat around the bush... do you ever see us being together in the future? Are you ready to commit to a serious relationship?”

  My heart was thumping when I asked him these questions but now that it was out in the open, I felt relieved. He thought before answering, which I took as a bad sign. Just as I had suspected, he wasn’t interested in me in the way I thought he was. I sighed, shaking my head slightly before lifting my head to stare at him.

  "It’s okay, Jiraiya. You don’t need to explain anything to me. I don't know what I was expecting. Was I expecting you to forget someone like Gracen so soon or was I expecting you to fall in love with me? What could I have been thinking?” I let out a sarcastic laugh, tears gradually filling my eyes.

  "Thank you for the experience’ I think I’ve lost my appetite;” I added and stood up. The legs of my chair scraped against the floor as I pushed back my chair. I grabbed my handbag, only to be stopped by his hand on my arm. I froze, staring at him in shock. Jiraiya looked more serious than I had ever seen him look before.

  “I don’t know where you got that assumption from” he said. “But I would like you to get rid of that thought, get it out of your head because I have said no such thing.”

  “Then what are you saying?” I asked him, trying not to scream in frustration as the tears slid down my cheeks.

  “I haven’t been able to say anything. You’ve been doing all of the talking,” he said, trying to feign offense.

  I used the back of my hands to wipe the tears from my face and looked at his face, wondering why I loved him so.

  "Look Jiraiya, if you have anything to say, say it now."

  “Sit back down, will you?” he said, imploring me to sit.

  I sat down without saying anything. And then it all came out.

  “Look, I am sorry for assuming, but what else was I supposed to think? You didn’t call and the last time we went out, it ended in disaster.”

  “You think it was a disaster?” he echoed.

  I nodded. “Yes,” I mumbled.

  Silence fell on us again and then slowly, Jiraiya took my hands and looked into my eyes as he spoke.

  "I am sorry" he said almost inaudibly.

  “Are you really?”

  "I am sorry Karine. I didn't mean to hurt you; you knew how I felt about her and how attached I was to her. It wasn't going to be easy to wipe the thought of her from my mind, you know. I swear to you, I was not thinking about her that time I called her name. You brought her name up in an earlier conversation. Her name just slipped out, that’s all.”

  A gasp slipped out of my mouth. My nipples pebbled behind my bra and the heat between my legs intensified. I pressed them together. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I was too shocked to say anything. I was literally speechless.

  A smirk appeared on his face when he realized I had nothing to say. “It’s the truth. If the dog my lousy slip-up hadn’t stopped me that night, I would have just wrapped your legs around my waist, slid your bikini bottom aside, and had my way with you.” A flash of heat entered his eyes.

  “Then, why didn’t you?” I asked, my voice soft.

  He leaned closer to me “I wanted to keep you for myself. I don’t want anyone else watching you while I make your legs quiver and your breath hitch. And when I’ve finally thrust inside of you, I want to be the only one who witnesses the way you feel around me, the way you look once I’ve made you come. I want to do all that to you in private,” he finished.

  His words made me gasp as my chest rose and fell. My breasts felt achy and sensitive. I was throbbing between my legs and each word made the feeling more intense. He’s doing this on purpose...making me want him. The way I probably made him feel back at the beach but that hadn’t been my fault. We were both so caught up in our own feelings that we had forgotten we were in a public place.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea to be talking about this in public,” I said, gaining my voice again.

  “Why not?” You didn’t seem to be embarrassed earlier, when you talked about the beach.”

  “But that was different,” I said, my voice still soft. “I was trying to make a point and you seemed to be changing the subject.”

  “Not changing the subject,” Jiraiya said shaking his head. “I’m just trying to make a point too, just as you were doing before.”

  “So, what happens now?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. What do you want to happen?” he answered my question with a question, something that had always annoyed me.

  “What do you want Jiraiya?" I asked pointedly

  "What do you think I want?" He asked me back in reply.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know now. I used to think I knew, but now...,” I paused letting my sentence hang in midair.

  He speared me with a look I just couldn't understand. “There is one thing you should never doubt about me and that is this; when I set my eyes on someone or something, I go for it, no matter the cost. Another thing, my doctor called. I will be going back to the hospital for another round of treatments. I don’t want you to worry.”

  I bent my head, and accepted that I loved Jiraiya Sampson, no matter the price.

  *****

  By the time I got back home, my mind was re
eling. I couldn’t fully comprehend what had happened back there at the restaurant with Jiraiya. He had been so relaxed, so chill after he had declared what he wanted to do to me. While he had looked so cool, calm and collected, I had been shaking down to my core. Trying to push the thought from my mind, I opened the door to my house and found Nadia sitting on the couch.

  “How did you get inside?” I asked, closing the door behind me.

  “The key you keep over the door, Silly,” my best friend answered.

  “Oh my God, I will have to find another hiding place for the spare key,” I replied with a smirk on my lips.

  Nadia shrugged. “Where have you been? Did it take you that long to finish lunch?” I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for at least half an hour. Did you enjoy?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I was hungry. I thought something came up with you. What’s going on?”

  Nadia flicked a hand in my direction. “Nothing to worry about. My boyfriend surprised me with lunch. I was sorry to skip out on our plans, but we can go out for a late dinner,” Nadia added.

  “No problem, don’t even worry about it,” I gave my friend a smile.

  “You seem to be in a good mood,” Nadia said as I sat on a chair across from the couch.

  “Is that a bad thing?” I said, fighting back a chuckle.

  “It is, when you’ve been talking about Jiraiya not calling for the last few days,” Nadia said as I sat up straighter in my chair. “Has something happened?”

  I could not hide the news any longer “Speaking of Jiraiya; I saw him while I was grabbing lunch.”

  “What? No way!” Nadia exclaimed. “What did he say to you?”

  “We talked for quite a bit: He said he was sorry for not calling me and that his doctor rang him a few days ago regarding his treatment. He’ll be going back to the hospital in a week or so to continue his treatments.”

  “So, have you two spoken about what would happen once you’ve gone back to work?” Nadia questioned.

  I shook my head. “No, we haven’t talked about “us” yet. I mean, he said he’s still interested in dating me. We haven’t really talked about whether we’re a thing or not. It’s kind of complicated.”