by Paloma Meir
“Faye... Stop,” He jumped in front and took her hands in his, “I’m sorry but I don’t know what’s going on. You’re coming on to me all the time and I’m liking it. I can talk to you… You think I can talk to Stacey? I don’t even have any friends here. I haven’t worked since we started spending time together.”
“I’m not coming on to you… I don’t know what you’re talking about,” She started to shake his hand away, but he held firm.
He loosened his grip on her hands and relaxed, smiling to her, his green eyes sparkling, “You stare at me all the time, lower your face like this,” He guided her chin down with a with a gentle touch of his index finger, “and then you look up, like your shy or something. It gets me every time.”
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to mislead you. I’m in a very strange period in my life. I really do love my husband…. We’re just going through…”
“I’m not trying to break up your marriage. Let’s try this one more time, okay?” His face drew closer to hers and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her closely. His lips gently brushed against hers, hers against his, no hesitancy. She relaxed into his arms as he kissed her deeply, overpowering her with his protective stance.
Abruptly he pulled away, “Tell me how you feel, don’t tell me about what’s right or wrong.” He stepped back and crossed his arms, appraising her.
“I feel exactly as you do but that doesn’t make it right. You’re just a kid, impulsive,” She refrained from pointing out the thread of immorality that ran through him, “I’m an adult and I don’t want to hurt the people around me. We don’t have a future.”
“Do we need to have future? Why don’t we just have a good time?”
“You mean sex?” She felt suddenly angry and stomped away.
“No, not just sex. You mean a lot to me but I’m not looking for long term and if you talk to my old girlfriends they’ll tell you that you don’t want that from me anyway. Trust me when I say this, you don't want me that way, okay? Why don’t we just see where this goes? We’re friends first. I feel—
“Drawn together as if fated?”
“I wouldn’t go that far, but yeah something in that family.”
“There’s always been something so familiar about you… I can’t quite place my finger on it but I definitely don’t want to take to a… physical level.”
“Sure Faye… whatever,” He stepped backwards and stared into the road. “I’m just along for the ride.”
“Let’s go,” She turned and walked to her car, forcing herself not to look behind her to see if he was following her.
“Wait up,” He yelled out as she placed her hand on the door handle, “You’re going to leave me here?” He spoke as if nothing had happened, bothering Faye.
“I don’t know,” She climbed into her car, “My daughters are coming home tomorrow. I won’t be able to see you for a few days.”
“Tomorrow? Now you tell me? That’s fine.” He landed heavily into his seat, took out his phone and furiously typed.
She had been trying to tell him for the previous few days, but couldn’t bring herself to say the words, “Nick—
“Forget about it,” he held up his hand, “You’re probably right. What the fuck are we spending all our time together for anyway?”
“Please don’t curse—
“Fuck, fuck, fuck— He raised his hands above his head and yelled. The truth that she really knew nothing about his past suddenly frightened her.
“Stop it— She yelled back to him. They drove the rest away back to the beach in a stony cold silence.
Chapter Eleven
Anja and Ines returned home to find new linens on their beds. Gone were their cozy floral sheets and duvets that had dulled into shabby chic over the years. Their beds were now fit for princesses with Frette 500 thread count sheet sets in white, covered in opulent jacquard coverlets.
Nick had picked them out on one of their shopping days in Beverly Hills. He had excitedly dragged Faye into the store yammering on about the bespoke quality. His awareness of all the luxury brands, even the ones not commonly mentioned in the media, more for those in the know, never ceased to amaze her.
She had joked that if he ever wanted to shed his grifter lifestyle, he could make big money as an interior designer. He shook his head ruefully and asked, where would the fun be in that? She again joked back that it might not be as fun but it would save him jail time in the long run.
The teasing ended as she stared at him, considering his future. She didn’t know why he did the things he did. Nick was more than smart and charming enough to forge a successful future. He seemed to be railing against the positive choices that were the only choices in Faye’s mind.
She had had an urge pick him up and carry him back to her house, make a room for him and care for him as if he were a son. Her feelings for him veered in so many directions, confusing and enthralling her. His green eyes boring into her sent shivers to her teenage self that she thought had long ago died, that was the feeling she liked best.
“Mom,” Anja said, waking Faye from her dreamy thoughts of Nick, “Are you ready? Time to go, bike ride. Ines is packing a lunch. Should we ride up the coast, to the Palisades? Or down to Manhattan Beach?”
“Let me finish making your beds first…” Even Anja’s presence couldn’t completely shake her thoughts of Nick. She hadn’t seen him in four days and it felt like an eternity for her, as if she were doing time in prison. “Palisades… We can picnic at Temescal.”
Faye chose the Palisades for one reason only, the bike path in that direction passed in front of Nick’s apartment on the beach. She knew the odds of seeing him standing outside on the balcony were low. She knew she was being childish. She also knew she couldn’t go another day with making a connection with him, even if it were only his home.
“We were going to make them when we got back. It’s Easter Sunday… We can be a little lazy today.”
“Order is very important Anja,” Faye shook the duvet high in the air, “You let one thing go, then another and suddenly your whole world is plunged into chaos.” The duvet landed in place across the bed, perfectly.
“Mom,” Anja said with an exaggerated lilt, “It’s just an unmade bed. I’m not going to drop out of college and follow a moon-worshipping cult across the country,” Anja picked up a pillow and fluffed it, “I’m like you, very organized. You know that. Come on, let’s go.”
“Okay,” Faye nervously stepped away from the bed, eyeing a pillow that was askew. She resisted the impulse to adjust it and joined her daughter who had moved to the doorway. “We need sunscreen—
“On the kitchen counter. You think Ines would forget that? You did a good a job with us. Don’t worry so much.” Anja patted her mother’s back and impulsively kissed her cheek.
“I did, didn’t I?” They walked towards the stairs.
“Yes, you did. Thanks for the new bike too. I always wanted a titanium one. It makes such a difference. It must have been so expensive.”
“I found them on sale… The store was going out of business…” Constant lying had become second nature to Faye, but not with her daughters. Her stomach cramped with the twist of her words.
“I’m sure it was… Still you’ve been on a binge lately—
“No—
“It’s okay Mom, nothing wrong with having a few nice things. You’ve always saved, cut corners… This is good for you. You look so pretty too, really relaxed.”
“Do I? Thank you…” Faye was aware her daughter was giving her a pep talk and was curious about what spurred the need to boost her mother up. She was tempted to ask, but every step down the stairs was bringing her one step closer to Nick. She had an urge to run.
“Where are my girls going?” Adam yelled out from the second floor landing.
“Bike ride, Dad.” Anja turned and smiled up to her father.
“Good, give me a minute to get dressed.” His accent was heaviest in the morning. Faye had always loved that
about him, but it had been leaving her cold for the previous few weeks.
“Sorry, girl’s day out,” She called back to him as she took Anja’s arm and led her quickly to the kitchen.
Faye had done her best to present a united front of marital happiness while the girls were home for their short spring break. The false smiles and Adam’s arm around her waist felt like a vise, shrinking her. It was as if he weren’t aware of the hairline fracture running through their marriage that was breaking apart.
She tried to question it in her mind, find a way to approach Adam, come to a resolution. Her ponderings would cloud over with thoughts of Nick and their days together. She preferred those thoughts.
“Okay girls, let’s go,” She smiled brightly and proud, as she entered the kitchen to find Ines running back and forth, double checking the lunches she had packed, organizing the basket for maximum space.
…
“Let’s race,” Ines called out into the bright and windy day as they rode onto the bike path at Washington and Ocean Front Walk.
Faye didn’t respond but pushed harder on her pedals. They weren’t more than a quarter mile from Nick’s apartment and she was feeling nervous butterflies of unease within her chest. She felt as if she were stalking him, which was ridiculous. She had ridden this part of the bike path thousands of times over the years, she reminded herself.
Still, Faye was quite aware that she had never taken such care with her appearance before going on a bike ride before. The mindfulness of the way she presented herself had grown over her weeks spent with him. She had never been a sloppy woman, never let herself go as some women did at her age but her look had been jeans and simple t-shirts, usually from Anthropologie.
She thought it best to present herself as a blank canvas, to emphasize the quality of her handbags. It occurred to her as she pedaled away onto the sand covered bike path that her choice of being a walking advertisement for her bags was only partly true.
The honest truth was she had ceased somewhere along the line to consider herself a woman. A mother, yes, her children were the center of her life. A business woman, yes, her minor success at starting a career later in life, was a source of pride within herself. A wife, she would even admit begrudgingly that her marriage, in spite of Adam’s financial impulsiveness and women over the years, was a successful one. They loved each other very much, and their fiery attraction had never dulled over the years as it had with so many of their long married friends.
But the softness of femininity had faded year after year since the birth of her children. The little things, drying her hair into an alluring swoop, the glosses she had applied to her lips, all the impractical acts she had loved as a young woman hadn’t been a part of her utilitarian life in decades. She missed the fanciful touches.
Faye grew aware as she approached Nick’s apartment that she had been unconsciously adding these elements back into her life. It wasn’t just the rose-colored slip of a dress she wore that highlighted her defined collarbones and ample, warm cleavage. Her skin had a sun-kissed hue from her time spent roaming the beach and town with Nick. Her pouty lips were covered in a high gloss, and her hair tousled and sexy from the wind blowing through it. She felt sensual, alive in a way she hadn’t felt in years.
The warm feeling running through her body, the glow emanating outward came to a sudden stop as she slyly glanced up at Nick’s balcony. A woman, more a girl stood outside in a glimmering gold bikini. She couldn’t have been much older than Ines.
The girlish woman, she assumed was Stacey, was flat chested as Nick had told her, but alluring with a long, lean body. Her dark bed hair hung heavily around her face, which was attractive though horse-like. She was surprised that Nick with his top tier looks and sexiness hadn’t rejected her. Men his age could be superficial, she had always thought.
The girl was smoking a cigarette as if her life depended on it and tightly gripped a coffee mug in her other hand. Faye came to a complete stop on the bike path, not more than fifteen feet from the building, and stared up at her. Faye was surprised she didn’t feel a trace of jealousy.
She was sure the girl was trouble, a raging tractor plowing through the lives of anyone who came close to her. Stacey had a chaotic energy around her, and her dark eyes had an edge of carelessness. Faye knew with a fierceness that this was Nick liked about her. One could never get close to a girl like her, and closeness wasn’t something Nick wanted to be a part of his life.
Nick walked outside wearing the board shorts they had bought weeks before in Laguna. His golden arms wrapped themselves around Stacey, who stubbed out her cigarette on the wall of the balcony and flicked it on to the walk path, almost hitting a couple walking by.
Littering bothered Faye, and the reckless disregard of where her trajectory landed came close to enraging her. Faye had never in her life been so thoughtless with her smoking habit, always disposing of the butts in a trash bin. She would have berated the girl but Nick’s presence on the balcony had left her immobile, speechless. Her feet did not respond to her will to push the pedals.
“Mom— Anja’s voice carried from further down the path. Nick looked up, his eyes meeting Faye’s. He did not smile, only pulling Stacey closer to him.
Locked in the stare between them, that communicated a feeling well beyond her understanding, she didn’t move.
“Mom, are you okay?” Anja called out again.
“You better get going, your kids are calling.” Nick said in a low tone that carried across the crowded walk path that separated them. His eyes were cold, sending a chill through her.
Faye’s paralyzed legs roared to life, and she pedaled hard, eager to be far away from him.
…
Back at home a few hours later, she set about making dinner for her family. The girls would be leaving the next day. Ines and Anja chattered around her as she stewed the tomatoes and grated fresh Parmesan cheese for the lasagna she was making for the informal farewell meal.
Her mind wandered to Nick of course, and she found herself grateful for her age. She knew her younger self would have worried and dissected every aspect of their ill-fated earlier meeting on the bike path. The adult in her knew they would be seeing each other the next day and any awkwardness would be worked out or further exasperated.
In spite of the scene at the furniture store and the uncomfortable moment in front of the apartment, there was not a doubt in her mind that their unorthodox relationship had not ended.
Still Faye felt as if she were at wits end, so many different parts of her life requiring attention she couldn’t summon. Her charitable giving had stalled. She had passed out well over four million dollars to assorted and well-researched charities over the previous months but there was still too much money, and the amount accrued interest daily.
Her hands trembled as she pulled the roasting pan off the shelf. Nick, the money, her crumbling marriage tumbled around in her mind. She was unable to prioritize which needed her immediate attention. She fell to floor and held her hands to her head, willing it all away, wishing she had never bought the tickets at the store all those months before.
“Mom, are you okay?” Ines asked and sat down beside her.
“I’m fine… I’m fine…” Faye repeated over and over again as she held her hand up, waving them away. She couldn’t summon the energy to lift her head up. “Too much sun girls, that’s all.”
“Dad,” Anja called out, a trace of worry in her voice, “Can you come help? Mom’s not feeling well.”
“I’m fine, girls. Please just give me a moment,” She wasn’t fine. She felt as if the world was spinning around her, the only constant in the swirling vision was Nick’s sardonic grin.
“What happened?” Adam’s rushed heavy steps filled her ears, echoing through her head and she couldn’t bring herself to shoe him away.
“The sun was too much for her.” Anja said questioningly as she ran her hand up and down her mother’s back.
“Faye…” She felt Adam’s hand
s around her, lifting her up and with a jerk, pulling her into his arms.
He carried her up the stairs, as she lay motionless in his arms, wishing to be anywhere else.
“Should I get you some water, take you to the emergency room?” He asked as he laid her down on their bed and sat down beside her, her hand in his.
“No… I’m fine. I’m just going to take a nap.” She curled into a fetal position and gripped his hand in spite of herself.
He lay down next to her and pulled her close to him. She clung to him, all the while wanting to push him away, scream at him. Instead tears fell from her eyes.
“It’s going to be okay…” He repeated over and over again while stroking her hair.
“It’s never going to be okay, even when this all over…”
“What do you mean, when this is all over? It was just the one time Faye. We can’t end our marriage over one little mistake. I love you. I’ve never loved anyone else, not even close. You, the girls, Dario, that’s all there has ever been… I couldn’t go another day without the four of you in my life—
“It wasn’t just the one….” Fear rolled over her. The affairs, always so obvious but agreed upon in the marital contract she never consciously made, to not mention was a wall she couldn’t break through.
“It was only the one,” He shakily enunciated every word as if unsure of continuing his lies.
“I have secrets too….” She shouted through her tears.
“You have secrets?” Adam laughed and turned her over, their noses touching, “What are your secrets, Faye? Were the bikes you bought for all of us not really on sale?”
The closeness of him, the scent of him, his dark deep-set eyes took her breath away for a moment and the past was forgotten. But, only for a moment. “I have millions, and millions of dollars and I spend all my days with a boyish man half my age.”
“Really Faye?” Amusement filled his dark features, and he leaned down to peck gentle kisses across her face. “A boyish man you say? Is he at your beck and call, feeding you grapes, while you lie on a lounge wearing a silky negligee?”
