by Carter Ashby
“You feel safer working with him than as a dancer?”
“I feel more dignified.”
“You say that he’s been encouraging you to stand up for yourself?”
“Yes.”
“He’s good friends with your brother-in-law? Your girlfriends?”
“Yes.”
“Tell me why you’re hesitant to trust him.”
Maya chewed her bottom lip. “He’s…big. And strong. He scowls at me a lot. Seems frustrated by me. I get the feeling he despises me.”
“You believe he might do you harm?”
Maya frowned. “I really don’t think he would. But who am I to trust my judgment, you know? I’ve failed miserably in the past.”
“If your instincts are telling you to be careful, you should trust them. But it does sound as though you overreacted last night. Would you agree?”
Maya nodded without hesitation. “I realized as soon as I got home that he was just trying to help me out. It was the t-shirt. Damon rescued me one night after my father kicked me out of the house. I’d thought he was being a good friend. He offered me a bed and a t-shirt to sleep in. Then, in the night, he came into the bed with me and…”
Dr. Stinson wrote something down in her notebook.
Maya shook herself. “Jayce wouldn’t do that. I know that for sure. He’s just one of those guys whose door is always open. If someone gets drunk or has a bad night, his couch is always available. I—I owe him an apology.”
“If you do apologize, I recommend being honest with him about what triggered your reaction. It’s okay to ask people for understanding and acceptance. If you truly feel you can’t trust him enough to open up to him like this, then you should reconsider working with him.”
Maya tucked that thought away. They talked of other things. She told Dr. Stinson about her encounter with the Sunday school teacher. They talked about the Monday night support group.
“It made me feel stronger,” Maya said.
“How so?”
“Partly, just because it was nice to know I wasn’t alone. And, partly, because seeing those other women, it made me feel like I do have what it takes to do this. Made me grateful for my support system, too. Not everyone has such close friends to help them out.”
Dr. Stinson encouraged her to continue attending. She asked a few more questions, mostly concerning the children. She asked about Maya’s mental health.
When it was over, Maya thanked her and went home to Zoey’s house. She changed into her work clothes and then bundled into a coat for the ride to work.
#
Maya sat in her car a little before three. She couldn’t bear to face him. She’d gone to bed the night before and tortured herself over it. Would everything be tainted by Damon?
Only Jayce wasn’t Damon, was he? She didn’t think he was. In the past week, the time she’d spent with him had only confirmed what she already knew about him…that he was a great guy; generous and thoughtful.
But there was no way for her to push away the fear that she was wrong about him. After all, she’d once believed Damon to be a good guy.
She took a breath, gritted her teeth, and got out of the car. She was twenty minutes early because she knew she had to talk to him in order to get through the evening. She simply couldn’t work with him without getting everything out in the open.
He wasn’t in the bar, yet, so she went up to his apartment. She lifted her fist to knock on the door and then froze.
Knock, Maya. Knock, dammit. She closed her eyes, inhaled, and lifted her fist again.
And then the door opened, scaring the crap out of her so much that she stumbled back, nearly falling down the stairs. Jayce caught her around the waist and brought her away from danger, making sure she was steady before letting go.
“Christ,” he cursed as he stepped back. “Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah. Can we talk?”
He pressed his lips together and looked away. “You can talk. I got nothing to say.” His hands rested on his trim hips.
“I just wanted to apologize.” And then she found she didn’t know what to say next. His nearly black eyes bored into hers, and she was terrified. Not physically afraid, at the moment, but just…terrified.
“Forgiven,” he said. He closed his apartment door behind him and strode past her down the stairs and into the bar.
She followed him, willing herself to open her mouth and speak. She hurried behind him, trying to keep up with his long strides, but he was three steps ahead of her and taking down chairs before she even got into the room. “Jayce—“
He slammed a chair onto the floor and then turned to her, a half a room away. “I thought we were friends, that’s all,” he said. “I thought we were friends, and I could do stuff for you to help out, like Kellen does. But you think I’m just some creepy stranger, so fine. It’s fine. Let’s just…not talk any more.”
She hugged her waist. She didn’t want it to be like this. He was staring at her like he was waiting for her to say something to make it all better. But when she didn’t immediately speak, he rolled his eyes and went back to work.
“Damon didn’t let me hang out around guys,” she said.
He ignored her.
She ran to his side and grabbed his arm; a bold move, especially for her. He turned and stared down at her hand on his elbow. She quickly removed it. “Listen,” she pleaded. “Please.”
The tension in his body faded.
“He didn’t let me go out. And it’s hard for me, not knowing how to read people. I don’t want to be stupid, again. It was ignorance and fear that put me in Damon’s bed. And—and I know you’re not like that, Jayce, but something you said last night just triggered for me…and it was exactly like something he said, once. So—so I freaked out. I know you’re not like that. I know you’re a friend to me and my kids, and I’m so sorry for the insult that must have been.”
Slowly, his eyes softened. His whole body softened. He lifted his eyebrows and ducked down to hold her gaze. “I would never hurt you or your kids. Never.”
She nodded because she wanted to believe him. She couldn’t keep from being skeptical, but he’d earned some faith. “You could have hurt us last night. You were angry enough. But you didn’t.”
“I don’t even understand the problem, Maya. You’ve known me as long as you’ve known Kellen. Basically forever. I proposed to you in the third grade, remember that?”
She barked a laugh. “Um, no. I don’t remember much of the third grade.”
“Well, you would have been in the first. But I remember. You were sitting alone, and I went and asked you to be my girlfriend and then my wife.”
“Really? What did I say?”
“You said you weren’t sure. That you definitely weren’t ready to hold hands. And then Zoey came and made me leave.”
“I so don’t remember that.”
“I asked you to every dance and party I could, do you remember that?”
She frowned as she tried to dredge up the memories. Yes, she seemed to recall him asking her out. There was certainly that night at the prom, the date that had been overshadowed by subsequent events.
He sighed. “When I was a sophomore and you were in the eighth grade, we went to that party and got tagged for seven minutes in heaven, remember?”
She’d had seven minutes in heaven with Jayce in eighth grade? And then the memory finally surfaced. “Oh, yeah,” she whispered.
It was an old coat closet, musty and dark. As soon as the door clicked shut, Maya backed up against the wall. The space was cramped, and she couldn’t escape his nearness. How had she let herself get into this situation? Her dad would kill her if he found out.
Suddenly a blue glow lit up the room. Jayce was using his phone. He wore a hesitant smile, but the shadows in the angles of his handsome face gave him a sinister air. Maya pressed her back harder against the wall.
“You scared?” he whispered.
She gulped.
“I
f you don’t wanna make out, we don’t have to.”
“D-do you want to?”
He didn’t answer. He reached out and touched her cheek. She flinched and he quickly drew back.
“Tell you what,” he said. “We’ll mess up our hair and clothes and then just sit here and wait. Sound good?”
She nodded frantically. She assumed he meant that they would each mess up their own hair, but then he reached for hers. She had it up in a ponytail. He reached behind her and gently removed the hair band. She was caged in his arms. He ran his hands through her hair. She wasn’t sure why it was making her shiver. His jaw was right next to her cheek. On instinct, she closed the gap, pressing her cheek against his.
They both froze; Jayce with his hands still tangled in her curls. “Maya,” he whispered.
Her heart thundered, and she was hot and tingly everywhere. These feelings terrified her.
He must have sensed her fear. He drew back and studied her. Then he put her hair up in a messier version of its ponytail, leaving several strands loose around her face. He reached down to her waist and untucked her blouse from her skirt, managing the act without touching her skin.
He cleared his throat. “You should, you know, undo a couple of buttons.”
“Oh.” She fumbled with the buttons at the top of her shirt. She unfastened enough that had she had any cleavage to show, it would be showing.
“My turn,” he said.
She bit her bottom lip and reached up to touch his hair. It was thick and soft and black as night. She ran her fingers through it. He squeezed his eyes shut and groaned.
“Am I hurting you?” she asked.
He opened his eyes and something in them sent an ache into the pit of her stomach. “You always hurt me,” he whispered.
More than anything that had happened so far, those words scared her. So she ignored them and finished mussing his hair. Then she reached for his shirt. “Should I unbutton this?”
“Yeah,” he whispered in a husky voice.
She slowly worked her way down his shirt, revealing bare skin over lean muscle. Her fingers shook as she got closer to the bottom of the shirt, closer to the top of his jeans and the unmistakable bulge just below.
He took her hands in his and drew her down to her knees. They sat back on their ankles, facing each other, and held hands. Rather, he held hers engulfed in his, which were so much larger and stronger. His thumbs moved over her knuckles.
He hadn’t kissed her. Hadn’t really touched her, to speak of. Yet when the door opened and a rush of cool air followed by party noise flooded inside, Jayce and Maya were both panting; both glistening from a light sheen of sweat.
He stood and took her hand, bringing her to her feet. They both pretended to try to set themselves in order while the party crowd cheered.
Jayce didn’t let go of her hand as they dodged the jeers. At last, another couple was ushered into the closet and the spotlight was off of Jayce and Maya. He smiled down at her. “Maybe we could go out sometime.”
She managed to pull her hand away. She looked around everywhere for Zoey or Addy. “I can’t,” she said. “I’m not allowed to date.”
“We wouldn’t have to call it a date. We could—“
“I see my friends. Gotta go.” She turned and fled.
“I can’t believe I forgot about that,” she murmured. By the look on his face, he couldn’t believe it either. “We were both too scared to make out,” she said, “so we messed up our clothes and hair and held hands until they let us out.”
“You were too scared. I was ready to go, babe.”
She remembered that bulge in his pants. She remembered her fascination with it, wondering what it meant and if it had anything to do with her. “You said I always hurt you,” she murmured. That’s when it sank in. She frowned up at him. “You—you liked me? Back then?”
Not so stone cold, now. In fact, the regret couldn’t have been more obvious. Still, he looked away and shrugged. “I had crushes on lots of different girls.”
She was relieved for a moment, until she came back around to his words. You always hurt me. He may have had crushes on lots of girls, but those words had meant something.
“Are you…do you…?” But she couldn’t finish
He turned his face back to her, having regained his stoic expression. “I’d never hurt you.”
How was she supposed to take this? “I know,” she said. “Do you…have feelings for me?” The question seemed so bizarre. They’d barely spoken between high school and now. Why on earth would he have feelings for her?
“Don’t you have enough to worry about without thinking about my feelings?”
She brought her hands up to her chest and fidgeted. She wanted an answer, and she wasn’t going to say anything until he gave her one.
Finally he laughed, bitterly. “It’s just a crush, Maya. Don’t worry about it, okay?”
“You have a crush on me?”
“If you don’t mind, I’d really rather not talk about it.”
“I just—“
“I don’t want things to be any tenser between us than they already are. So yeah, I’ve got feelings. They’re really no big deal. If we could just not be nervous around each other, I’d really appreciate it.”
It was her turn to laugh. “Just not be nervous? I’ll just switch that right off for you, Jayce.” Funny guy. She turned and got to work pulling chairs down, getting ready to open. She couldn’t look at him the rest of the night, but she kept chuckling to herself whenever she thought about him asking her to not be nervous. She’d give anything to have his emotional control.
CHAPTER TEN
There were times in Maya’s life when talking to Zoey just wasn’t very helpful. And Addy was just too busy. During those times, Maya leaned on Kellen.
Zoey was at work, Friday, but Kellen hung out at the house. He helped Maya make lunch for the kids. Then he helped her clean up the kitchen once the kids were off to school. After that, he helped her with the math portion of her HiSET prep course, which turned out to be a disaster because Kellen wasn’t much better at it than Maya.
They were sitting at the kitchen table, hovered over her laptop and laughing. “Yeah,” Kellen said. “You’re going to want to have Zoey help with this. Or Jayce…he’s pretty good with math.”
She blushed at the mention of Jayce’s name. Last night had been excruciatingly awkward and tonight promised no better.
“What’s wrong, Sis?” Kellen, the mind-reader, asked.
She shrugged and closed her laptop. “I don’t get Jayce.”
Kellen’s brows rose in amusement. “What’s to get? He’s a pretty simple guy.”
“Really? I thought so, too, until yesterday. I thought I had him figured out and that he just didn’t like me very much. Now I find out that it’s the opposite. He likes me a little too much.”
Kellen leaned back. “Ah. Did he tell you, or did you just figure it out?”
“A little of both. He says it’s no big deal and we should just pretend like nothing’s going on.”
“Do you have feelings for him?”
“Jayce? No way. I barely know him.”
Kellen was quiet as he studied her. “It’s too soon, anyway, isn’t it? To date?”
“Oh, God. Way too soon. I’m thinking I’ll date in fifteen or twenty years. For now, I’ve got kids to raise and a life to start living. I just wish I didn’t want…”
“Want what?”
She sighed, not sure she could explain it. “Want a man.”
Kellen wisely waited.
She fidgeted with her hands in her lap. “Damon and I had some good times early on, early before I realized what a fool I was for not seeing the monster I’d married for what he was. And since that realization I’ve been really, really…lonely. It got to where the only way he touched me was with anger. Sex was like that, too. He did it in anger. He hurt me. Raped me. Then he’d spit on me and tell me how unsatisfying my body was.” She choked back a so
b.
“Jesus,” Kellen whispered.
She jerked her eyes up to his. “Crap, I’m sorry, Kellen. Sometimes I just forget to filter—”
“You never have to apologize for talking about this with me,” he said, reaching out to cover her hands with his. “I just still find it all so shocking, you know? I mean, I’ve been on the receiving end of his fists myself, but it’s hard to hear about the monstrous things he did to you. Makes me so angry that I couldn’t help you sooner.”
Maya quickly shoved the bad feelings back in their box where they belonged. “You can’t help when you don’t know there’s a problem. You can’t know there’s a problem if the victim doesn’t speak out. That’s on me, Kellen.”
He kissed her on the cheek. “So are you worried that, because of what he did to you, you’ll never have…sexual…feelings for a man again?”
She breathed deeply. “No. I’m worried that people will think I’m a whore because I have sexual feelings for a man. Is…is it wrong that I want to have sex?”
To his credit, he didn’t recoil from the question. He kept a neutral expression and placed a hand over hers. “Have you talked to your therapist about this?”
She took in a breath. “A little. I’m just afraid maybe there’s something wrong with me for wanting something that was used as a weapon against me all those years.”
Kellen swallowed and blushed. “Uh, again…talk to your therapist. It always makes you feel better. But for now, why don’t you focus on, you know, self-pleasure. You know, finding yourself and all that.” He actually let out a nervous laugh. “Sorry, Maya, we’ve ventured into uncomfortable territory.”
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“Hey. I’m glad you did and I always want you to feel like you can talk to me. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s nothing wrong with the way you feel. I’m just a little at a loss as to how to offer helpful suggestions. I think taking control of those feelings and knowing that you have a right to gratify them however you want to is probably important. Don’t let the guilt keep you from taking something that you need.”
