by Carter Ashby
She nodded. It sounded like a good place to start. She’d been hesitantly taking those steps anyway, it was just nice to have the voice of someone she respected giving her permission. Suddenly she laughed. “Zoey gave me that vibrator for Christmas. I named it Mitch and am always joking about it with the girls. But I’ve never used it.”
“Mitch is probably your best bet for a lover, right now. He won’t talk back. He doesn’t have needs. You can do whatever you want to him.”
She giggled. “That’s what kind of man I want. One who will just follow orders.” She sighed, knowing such a thing didn’t exist, and knowing that she couldn’t have it anyway. She had children and any man she brought into her life, she was also bringing into theirs. “You’re amazing, Kellen. I’m so sorry for putting you through this conversation.”
He stood and kissed the top of her head. “That’s what I’m here for. But I’d really like to go back to the math. It was way less painful of a topic.”
She chuckled and opened up her laptop while he went to the kitchen for a coffee refill. “Here’s a question for you,” Kellen asked. “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
“You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I just don’t know. I’ve never been in a position where I was in control of my own destiny. Right now I’m just focusing on this HiSET exam and work. I figure if I work really hard and maybe try out some different jobs, I’ll find something I love to do.”
“You like serving drinks?”
“Not remotely. But I do like being around people. That’s something I’ve learned about myself. I’ll just gather as much information as I can until I can piece together a career path for myself.”
“That’s the way to do it.” He sat his coffee on the table and then turned toward the front door. The tell-tale squeak of the mailbox had alerted him. He opened the door, reached round for the mail, and came back. He tossed a few envelopes on the counter, but was frowning down at a small stack of several envelopes. He looked up at her, still frowning, and handed her the envelopes.
She flipped through them. Five of them. From Damon. He’d been in prison several weeks and not contacted her. He’d violated a protection order by breaking and entering and was doing at least a year for his crimes. She’d assumed he wanted nothing to do with her. Now it appeared that the prison had simply delayed mailing his letters.
“Would you like me to read them for you?” Kellen asked. “I can let you know if there’s anything that’s going to interfere with the divorce, or your life.”
Maya wanted to let him. It would be so much easier to let him. But she was tired of being a coward. Tired of living in fear of Damon’s words. “No, thank you,” she said. “I’ll deal with it.”
Kellen studied her for a long moment. “You let me know if you change your mind.”
She nodded and managed to smile. “Thanks. I’ve got this.”
#
Jayce pounded the punching bag like it was his worst enemy. His teeth gritted, loud breaths expelling with each punch, and sweat flying everywhere.
“Okay, come on, man, take a break,” Kellen said.
Jayce slammed his fists into the bag, barely hearing. Jab, jab, right cross, upper cut…pound, pound, pound.
“Jayce!”
The voice finally got through. Jayce stopped and then he realized he’d gone too far. He was breathing too hard; his vision blurring at the edges. He fell to his knees and felt a straw at his lips. He drank the water and then fell forward on his hands. He felt his stomach tightening; the nausea growing. There was a cool cloth on his neck and back.
“Christ, Jayce,” Kellen said. “Why do you do this to yourself?”
“Feels good,” he said, his voice barely more than a breath.
“Vomiting and bloody knuckles feels good?”
“Yep.”
Kellen had come in the bar a couple of times since coming home, but this was the first time they’d had a chance to hang out. It was Sunday morning. Norris was standing back, leaning on the boxing ring, heckling him. “You gonna be sick, Jayce? You want me to find your mommy for you?”
Jayce ignored him.
“Come on,” Kellen said. “Get cleaned up. We gotta get to Zoey’s.”
The nausea subsided. Jayce sat back on his ankles. He took another drink of water and then stood. “Gotta shower,” he said.
Kellen tossed him a towel to wipe the sweat out of his eyes. Jayce showered, the whole time thinking how he could probably curl up and sleep right there under the hot spray.
He dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and met Kellen at the front door. They rode over to Zoey’s in Jayce’s truck. But when they arrived, Jayce felt even more exhausted. The other night, Maya had barely looked at him, had never spoken to him except to order drinks, and then it was like she’d been speaking to the air around him. He hated himself for confessing his feelings like he had. If only there’d been some way around it.
So now she knew and things were awkward. “Man, I don’t feel real good. I think I’d better just go home.”
Jayce felt Kellen studying him. Avoiding Kellen’s gaze, Jayce stared out the windshield because Kellen had ways of reading his mind, and his powers were enhanced if he made eye contact. “What’s going on?”
Jayce shook his head. “Just don’t feel good.”
Kellen sighed. “Listen. Maya’s like my little sister. She talks to me about everything, man.”
Jayce dropped his head back and closed his eyes.
“So, what’s going on?” Kellen asked again. “Is this heartache? Longing? Humiliation?”
“Yes,” Jayce said. All of the above.
“She doesn’t want this awkwardness any more than you do. This’ll help. Hang out with us. You two will get comfortable around each other again and everything will be better.”
Jayce let his hands drop off the steering wheel. He turned off the ignition and got out of the truck.
They walked into the house and into the smell of…something burning. Kellen hurried past Jayce into the kitchen, cloudy with smoke. The smoke alarm was blaring and Jayce hurried to locate it at the end of the hallway. There was no fire in the kitchen, just Zoey crying over something on the stove that was smoking like crazy. Kellen had removed the pan from the heat. Jayce turned off the alarm. Kellen flipped on the attic fan and opened the back door.
“I don’t know what made me think I could cook,” Zoey sobbed.
Jayce had been about to make a similar comment, but since she was already crying, he decided to keep his mouth shut. “Where’s Maya?” he asked. He didn’t know for sure, but he bet she could cook.
“At church. She’ll be home soon.”
He wondered if maybe he should start going to church. Maybe she’d like it if he went with her. Maybe she’d trust him more.
“What were you making, baby?” Kellen asked, taking Zoey in his arms.
“I was frying chicken. I made biscuits from scratch.” Just then Jayce noticed smoke coming from the oven. He grabbed a hot pad, opened the oven, and pulled out a sheet pan with over a dozen, flat, black discs.
“Mother-fucker!” Zoey cursed.
Jayce sat the pan on the stove and stepped away from the dangerous woman. He looked at Kellen and raised his eyebrows.
Kellen nodded.
Jayce took his phone, went to the front porch, and ordered pizza. He was returning the phone to his pocket when Maya pulled in the driveway. Not knowing whether to go back in or wait on the porch, Jayce opted to meet her at her door and open it for her.
Maya got out and smiled bashfully up at him. He closed the door and stared down at her, as she held his gaze. It was a miracle after a week of absolute avoidance. The kids got out of the car and ran inside, but Maya kept staring up at Jayce. Into him. Her eyes were so warm, he couldn’t even feel the cold air.
“Hey,” she said, and for once, she didn’t seem afraid of him.
“Hey.”
“I’m glad you’re here. I was hoping
we could talk.”
“I’m not much of a talker, Maya.”
“Sometimes you are.”
His lips quirked up.
“I’m sorry things have been weird.”
Jayce shook his head. “My fault. Not yours.”
“It’ll be better soon. I just feel…overwhelmed. You know?”
“Yeah. And I don’t want to be a part of that. I want to be helpful to you. I don’t want to add to the weight you carry. So whatever’s going on with you and me, just let it go, okay?”
“See, I can’t do that without talking about it. If you’re just going to clam up, I’m going to keep feeling all awkward and uncomfortable. I guess—I guess I need to understand your feelings better, because right now, I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”
“You’re—you’re afraid you’ll hurt me?” he laughed. God, she’d been hurting him pretty much all his life and she didn’t have a clue. Being hurt by her was just a normal, everyday affair for him. But the last thing Jayce wanted was for her to know that. “I just wanna take you to bed, Maya. That’s all. Means nothing. Part of the process I go through with every woman. Believe it or not, I once wanted to take Zoey to bed. It was a very fleeting moment, but it happened. I’m over it. I’ll get over you. So don’t make it out to be more than it is.”
Maya’s face flushed and her eyes widened. “You’re sure?” If he wasn’t mistaken, her voice sounded weaker than before.
“Yeah. Absolutely sure. Can we be friends, now?”
“Friends don’t lust after friends.”
“Well are you going to go to bed with me?”
Her eyes went wide. “No. God, no.”
Afraid she’d hurt him…there she was doing it again. “Well, then, I’d like to be friends. Truth be told, if I can only have one or the other, I’d choose friendship with you over sleeping with you. Friendship lasts longer and I’ve always thought real highly of you, Maya.”
She blushed furiously and looked down at her feet. “Thought highly of me? What did I ever do to deserve that?”
He let out a bitter laugh. Like there was ever going to be a time when it was okay for him to tell her all the things he admired about her. “How about you’re a good friend to your friends, a good mother to your children, and you’re actively looking for ways to make life better for yourself and them.”
“That’s just survival.”
“Okay, so I admire survival. Whatever, Maya, can we be friends or not?”
At last, she smiled sweetly up at him. “I’d like that.”
“Good.”
For an awkward moment, it looked like she might hug him. She froze, her arms hesitating halfway. And then she actually did it. She put her arms around his neck and Jayce tried with all his might not to enjoy it too much.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed his eyes shut, because oh, God, he was holding Maya in his arms, against his body. “No big deal,” he muttered through his clenched teeth.
She pulled away far too soon. Jayce forced himself to let her go even though he needed longer. Much longer.
He followed Maya into the house. Kellen had managed to air out all the smoke, and Zoey had calmed down. She was standing in the living room grinning at them. Jayce would bet money she’d been watching them out the window. He made his way to the kitchen table, hung his coat on the back of a chair, and sat to Kellen’s right. The house was cold after having had the attic fan sucking in the late-January air.
When the pizza arrived, Matthew and Sophie reappeared and sat at the table. Jayce hoped maybe he would have a chance to get more comfortable around them. They sat on one side of the table. Maya and Jayce sat on the other and Zoey and Kellen were at the ends.
“I thought we were having fried chicken,” Maya said.
“Yeah, well, we’re not,” Zoey snapped.
“She burned everything,” Jayce volunteered, more than happy to share that bit of information.
“Shut up,” Zoey said.
Jayce shrugged.
“I would have helped,” Maya said. “You’re just so damn stubborn. You’ve never cooked anything but spaghetti, you should have waited and let me show you how.”
“I’ll figure it out,” Zoey said. “No one taught you and you figured it out.”
Maya sighed in frustration.
“How’s school going?” Kellen asked the kids.
“Great!” Sophie said cheerfully. “I love my teacher. And she gave us gingerbread cookies when we came back from Christmas break.”
“Sounds like a nice lady. How ‘bout you, buddy?”
Matthew shrugged. “’S’okay, I guess.”
“Just okay?”
The boy took a bite of his pizza and shot Kellen a look.
Kellen grinned. “Don’t wanna talk about it?”
Matthew shook his head.
Jayce cleared his throat, trying to work up the nerve to talk to Matthew. He chickened-out and talked to Sophie instead. “So, Sophie, what, are you in high school? College?”
She giggled around a mouthful of pizza. “Kindergarten.”
“Kindergarten, huh? Lot of wild parties in Kindergarten?”
“We get to have a Valentine’s party,” she said. “We got a contest over who can make the best Valentine’s card box and we can give each other cards and candy.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“You remember Valentine’s parties?” Maya asked. “Especially in high school when the booster club sold those heart-shaped lollipops. You could buy one and have it sent to your sweetheart?”
“I remember,” Zoey said. “You and Addy were the only ones who ever sent me any.”
“Same here,” Maya said.
Jayce glanced at her. “That can’t be true. Sweet girl like you must’ve gotten tons of them.”
“You keep calling me sweet. You must’ve been the only one who thought so. I got two every year; one from Zoey, one from Addy. How come you never sent me one?”
Jayce washed down a bite of pizza with some soda. “Never sent one to anyone. Thought it was stupid.”
“Who’d you send Valentines to, Kellen?” Zoey asked.
Kellen grinned. “Sarah Myers. Every year of high school.”
Zoey’s eyes turned to fire. “Sarah Myers, the nurse practitioner at the clinic on the other side of town?”
“Yep,” Kellen replied, “I had the hots for her for four years.”
Zoey glared at him.
“I remember that,” Jayce said.
“You should,” Kellen said. “You tried to talk me out of liking her. I don’t know what you didn’t like about her.”
“I didn’t like she knew you liked her. She knew I was your best friend, and in spite of all that, she stuck her tongue down my throat at that bonfire, junior year. I called her a…,” he stopped himself, remembering there were children at the table, “…a bad name and told her never to talk to me again. But that’s how come I tried to talk you out of her.”
Kellen’s mouth hung open. “Are you serious? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Didn’t want you to hate me.”
“Crap. Well screw Sarah Myers, then.”
Zoey laughed, clearly delighted.
“Jayce,” Sophie began, “are you gonna send Mommy a Valentine?”
Jayce swallowed and waited a beat in case Maya preferred to intervene. But she didn’t. “Uh, I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day.”
“Don’t you got a lady?”
He laughed at how cute she sounded asking that. “No, I don’t ‘got’ a lady.”
“Well, if you want, Mommy can be your lady and you can send her a Valentine.”
“How about you be my lady and I’ll send you one?”
Sophie sat up tall and smiled big. “Really?”
“Really. Flowers or chocolates?”
“Chocolates, duh.”
He grinned, just about on top of the world.
“He’s just trying to make you like him,” Matthew muttered.<
br />
Sophie shoved her brother and shushed him.
“You shush,” Matthew responded. “And don’t take nothing from him. He ain’t our daddy.”
“Mattie, that’s enough,” Maya said.
Matthew went silent and stabbed at his pizza with a fork.
Jayce thought he might be able to lighten the mood. “What about you, Matthew? You got a lady? Or more than one?”
Matthew’s glare was so filled with hate that Jayce found himself easing back as far as his chair would let him go. “I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to trick me into being friends with you.”
“Mattie, enough.” This time from Kellen.
“Why?” Matthew asked. “You keep telling me to be polite to him, but why do I gotta be polite when I don’t wanna be his friend?”
“Jayce is nice,” Sophie said.
“He ain’t our daddy, and he ain’t our friend!”
“Matthew James Bradley,” Maya said.
Jayce hadn’t the first idea how to behave, so he just sat back and waited for someone else to resolve the situation.
“What?” Matthew shouted at his mom.
“Don’t raise your voice to me.”
“You hugged him outside; I saw you! It’s not fair, because I don’t want him around us and you keep talking about him and acting like you like him—”
“Mattie, that’s enough. Go to your room and calm down.”
Matthew shoved his chair back, stomped to his room, and slammed the door.
“I am so sorry, Jayce,” Maya apologized. “He’s not usually like this. He’s been a different person the past few weeks.”
Jayce just nodded, still stunned into silence.
“Why don’t you let Jayce talk to him?” Kellen suggested.
“No,” Jayce said, his tone quick and sharp. “I mean…I don’t think he would want me to talk to him.” He looked to Maya for support, but she was studying him with her brow furrowed.
“It depends on what you want, Jayce,” she said. “Do you want to be friends with him?”
Jayce gulped. Of course he wanted Maya’s kid to like him. But… “Maya, I wouldn’t have the first clue what to say to a kid.”
“You don’t have to be dad-like. You just have to be yourself. Have a conversation with him.”
