by C. C. Wood
He answered on the third ring.
"Hello?"
I opened my mouth, but it was another one of the few times in my life I wasn't talking when I meant to. I could speak without meaning to, but at this moment my vocal cords had frozen.
"Sierra?"
Oh, God. He'd looked at the caller ID. He knew it was me. I had to say something. Anything.
"Hey," I croaked.
Jesus Christ. Hey?
"Hey."
His voice was flat, devoid of emotion. I couldn't tell if he was relieved I'd called or pissed as hell. Or if he felt nothing at all.
The silence stretched between us, thin and fragile but somehow filled with hundreds of words unspoken.
"What's up?" he asked.
I could hear some sort of power tool in the background and realized he was at work. He was at work, probably busy, but he'd stopped to take my call, even though things hadn't gone well the last time we spoke.
It gave me the wherewithal to say something now.
"I had a realization," I stated. "Well, more like an epiphany."
"Okay." He drawled the word and I knew I was seconds away from losing an important moment with him. And I didn't want that to happen.
"I said and did some horrible things the last time we saw each other and I'm sorry for that. And if you're willing, I'd like to talk about what happened."
"Hang on just a sec," he murmured. The sounds of power tools grew louder, then I heard a door shut and all the other noises virtually disappeared. "Can you repeat that?"
If it had been anyone else but Ben, I would have immediately thought they were fucking with me in retaliation, but he wasn't like that. Or at least he never had been before. Courage. I needed courage.
I inhaled and said it again. Well, paraphrased it again. "I'm sorry for the way I acted the last time I saw you. I was wondering if we could talk about what happened?"
"Right now?" he asked.
"No, I, uh, well, some things changed for me. Big things. I'm stuck in the city for the rest of the week I think, but then I'll be coming back to Farley indefinitely."
"What does indefinitely mean?" he asked.
"I'll be living with Cam until I can find my own place in town."
There was nothing but silence on the line. I hadn't thought my heart could beat any faster, but it drummed like crazy. Still, I forged on.
"Can I come see you when I get back to town?" I asked. "To talk?"
Ben cleared his throat. "Yeah, I think we should." His voice was low and rough, but not in an unpleasant way.
I was pretty sure I'd just surprised him. A glimmer of hope sparked in my belly.
"Good. Good. I'm...glad." For fuck's sake, could I be any more lame? "I'll text you when I know for sure what day I'll be back."
"Okay," he agreed. "I think it's good we both have a little time to think."
And that tiny light of hope faded to nearly nothing.
"You're probably right," I said. My voice was nearly a whisper because the words hurt as I said them. They hurt my throat, my chest. My heart.
"Bye, Sierra."
"Bye, Ben."
I disconnected the call and dropped my phone on the couch. Then, I cried for the second time in less than an hour.
At least I didn't have a witness this time.
20
Somehow, after my call with Ben, I fell asleep. After such an emotional rollercoaster for the last few days, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that I was exhausted.
Once again, a ringing phone woke me from sleep.
"Hey, boss," Trudy chirped in my ear when I managed to answer the damn thing in my sleep-drunk haze.
"Hey," I groaned. "What time is it?"
"Three p.m." Her voice was amused. It wasn't the first time she'd called and woken me up, but that was usually on the mornings when I'd stayed up too late working the night before. "Were you serious about needing help organizing your move? I literally just left the office with all my stuff but I'm already bored as hell."
I cleared my throat and shoved a tangle of hair out of my face. "Uh, yeah. I could use some help."
"Great. Do you want to pack everything, or do you want the moving company to do that?"
Shit. I didn't want to tell her that I'd been napping since I'd gotten home. "Uh, the moving company."
I could always have them pack up my stuff and put it in storage while I figured out my next move.
"I don't blame you," she said with a laugh. "If I could have someone pack my stuff for me when I move, I'd be a much less stressed woman."
I pushed myself up and leaned back against the back of the couch. "I also need to arrange for a storage facility in Farley. I'll be staying with Cam while I look for another place so I won't need anything but my clothes and a few basic necessities."
"Okay, okay."
"And I'll probably go ahead and sell my furniture." I had no idea where that decision had come from, but it had already left my mouth. After I thought about it for a second, I realized it was the right thing to do. It would save time and money in the move and when I found the house I wanted, I could purchase the right furniture for the space rather than trying to cram what I already had in there.
"I can do that. We'll discuss price points when I get there tomorrow. Can you think of anything else you need me to handle before then?"
My tired mind went blank. "Not right now. What time will you be here tomorrow?" I asked.
"Ten. I want to avoid the morning rush."
I didn't blame her. Traffic coming to this area was murder until around nine.
"Sounds good."
"I'll bring coffee. Knowing you, you don't have any. See you then, boss."
Trudy disconnected and I stared blankly at the wall. Shit. She was right. I didn't have any coffee in the house and I definitely needed it. I couldn't function without my coffee. Well, I could function, but on a basic, homicidal level.
I was going to have to leave the apartment and get something caffeinated. The closest place was a little coffee shop a couple blocks away.
Groaning, I rolled to my feet and shuffled toward the bathroom. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and fought with my tangled hair until it lay in a long braid down my back.
I was seriously tempted to stay in my rumpled clothes, but decided to preserve what little dignity I had left and at least put on something that didn't look like I'd slept in it.
After I changed and left the apartment, I managed to walk to the coffee shop without bumping into anyone or getting flattened by a car. Twenty minutes later, I had two steaming hot cups of precious caffeine in my hands as I walked out the door.
And right into Brian.
I held onto the cups for dear life as I stumbled back, but it was useless. They bobbled and hit the ground, releasing a huge splash of coffee and milk straight up into the air.
"I am so sorry," Brian apologized. "I didn't—"
I looked up and he stopped speaking.
"Sierra?" His eyes were wide and he stammered, "W-w-wow. It's been a while. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
I shook my head.
"I'm so sorry about your coffee," a low, female voice interjected.
I glanced over and noticed for the first time that Brian was with someone. A very pretty woman with a sleek blonde haircut and a sharp suit. They were holding hands.
"How about I go order you two more while you and Brian catch up?" she offered.
I opened my mouth to tell her not to bother and make a bad excuse for needing to leave immediately, but Brian beat me to it.
"Thanks, Alicia. She likes caramel macchiatos."
Alicia smiled at Brian and she went from just pretty to beautiful. She squeezed his hand. "I'll be back in a minute."
I watched, bemused, as she disappeared into the coffee shop. Brian hadn't introduced us but she seemed to know exactly who I was.
"That wasn't necessary," I murmured to Brian. "It was my fault."
He shook his head, his eyes locked on Alicia throu
gh the glass for a moment longer before he looked at me. I braced myself to be faced with hurt feelings and accusations, but that wasn't what I saw.
He looked...relaxed. Happy.
"She knew that I would want to talk to you," he replied.
People clumped together and tried to pass us to get into the shop. Brian and I stepped to the side, which put us much closer together.
"Why would you want to talk to me?" I asked. The last time I'd seen him, I'd hurt him. Broken his heart.
He inhaled, his eyes moving back to the window of the coffee shop and Alicia inside. Then, his gaze came back to me. "She knows I want to apologize to you for the way I treated you the last time we were together."
I blinked in shock. "Um, sorry?"
Brian huffed out a quiet laugh and rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. His expression was sheepish, but he no longer looked humiliated as he had that night.
"You were right in what you said. We hadn't talked about the future. You never led me on or said anything about marriage. It was something I built up in my head. Once I met Alicia, I realized that you and I barely knew each other, except in a basic way. I had no idea what your goals and dreams were or if you had friends other than Cam. We talked, but it was always about work or mutual acquaintances, never anything with depth. I reacted poorly when you did nothing more than tell me the truth as gently as possible and I'm sorry for that. I made a difficult situation even harder."
I blinked again, unsure if I was hallucinating because of a lack of caffeine.
"Sierra?" Brian asked.
"Um, sorry. I just didn't expect—" I cleared my throat. "I mean, I never thought you should be the one to apologize. I'm the one who should be, who is, sorry for hurting you. You deserved more than that."
He tucked his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. "The thing is— you were right. And I'm grateful you had the courage to tell me the truth and turn me down. If you hadn't, I never would have met Alicia."
His words hit me right in the chest, creating an ache.
Brian had found her, the woman who would love him the way he should be loved. The one I'd told him was out there.
It hurt because I'd had the same chance and I was pretty sure I'd blown it all to hell.
My throat tightened almost unbearably and my eyes burned. Shit, shit, shit. I would not cry right now. Not on the sidewalk with people walking by. And definitely not in front of Brian. He would misunderstand the reason for my tears and immediately think he'd caused them.
I was saved by Alicia's reappearance with two drink carriers. She handed one to me, which held two cups of coffee.
"Thank you," I said to her. I took a moment to think before I spoke and I met Brian's eyes. "I'll accept your apology if you accept mine. We both made mistakes but I'm glad that you found what you were looking for."
I glanced at Alicia and she was smiling at me. She didn't seem tense or upset at all that Brian had wanted to speak to me privately. It made me like her. She understood there was no reason to be jealous.
"I wish you both the best," I said to Brian. "Be happy. You deserve it."
He smiled at me. "Bye, Sierra."
"Bye."
I walked away from them, my steps brisk and my head held high. I maintained the posture until I reached my front door. As soon as I shut it behind me, I slouched against it, setting my coffee on the small console table to one side.
My chest still hurt. I rubbed it absently.
Before I'd run into Brian, I'd been rethinking my move to Farley, even though I hadn't said anything to Trudy. After Ben's cold reception this morning, I wasn't sure that I would be able to handle living close to him.
When it had just been a possibility, I'd been able to accept it. I'd believed that I had the inner fortitude to deal with seeing an ex on a regular basis.
But after speaking with him, hearing the distance in his voice, I wasn't sure if I could deal with it in person.
It hurt just thinking about it.
Defeat filled me. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I should stay in Dallas.
A tiny voice inside me, one I hadn't heard before, whispered No.
Great, now I was hearing voices. I was losing what few marbles I had.
Love doesn't give up.
I almost ignored the voice but I realized it was familiar. They were words I'd heard before, a long, long time ago. It had been early in my friendship with Cam and she'd had her heart broken for the first time.
I'd gone home with her when she went to see her family and Colette had sat her down in the kitchen with a cup of tea and a plate of cookies and they talked.
I closed my eyes and I could hear Colette's voice in my head.
Love doesn't give up. It offers and it accepts. You can offer your heart to someone. You can offer them your love. But if they don't accept it, if they can't return the feeling, then it's your turn to accept. If you truly love someone, you can accept their emotions and their thoughts, even when you don't agree. Or even when they hurt you. It's not easy, but it's necessary. If you try to force someone to feel the way you do, it never works out well. I wish I could protect you from the pain and the rejection, but they help you recognize the real thing when you find it.
I'd asked her what she meant by "the real thing" and she'd laughed, saying it was something she couldn't explain because every person had to find it and it would be different for each person.
It was one of the first times Colette had stepped into the role of surrogate mother and I'd been uncomfortable, unsure what to say or do, but also desperate for her words and her affection.
She'd seen it and understood.
True to her words to Cam, she'd then offered me the same love she gave to her family. It had taken a while, but I eventually accepted it.
As I looked back on the memory, I realized that I hadn't done what she'd said. I hadn't offered love to Ben and I hadn't accepted his when he held out his hand to me.
Even though I wanted to. Even though I was desperate for it.
Ben Murphy was my real thing and I wanted it. He might have changed his mind. But he might not.
He hadn't said he didn't want to see me again. He said that we both needed a little time to think.
He was offering me what he thought I wanted.
The realization hammered into my brain. He'd spent just as much time at Colette and Malcolm's house as I had. I wouldn't have been surprised at all if Colette had given him a similar speech about love.
I drew in a trembling breath. I'd let my own fear and insecurity blind me to what was really happening.
I'd decided Ben was disconnecting only in my own mind.
I scrubbed my face with my hands and my fingers came away wet. Okay, now I was crying and I didn't even know it. That wasn't good. Not at all.
If I hadn't realized it already, I would have at that moment.
Ben was my "real thing" and I wasn't going to give him up without a fight.
Galvanized by the thought, I grabbed my coffee and headed to my desk. I needed to start a list of things I wanted to pack and take with me and what I was willing to sell. Once Trudy knew what to do, she would be able to handle everything. From our years working together, I knew I could trust her to get it done without my supervision.
21
I should have known it wasn't going to be that simple because nothing in my life ever is.
My run-in with Brian had spurred me on. Within a couple of hours, I'd finished my to-do list for Trudy and I was in my car, heading back to Farley. I needed to talk to Ben, needed to explain everything as soon as possible.
I called Trudy from the road and told her the code to get into my apartment and where I'd left the spare key for her. I told her about the list I'd left for her on my desk and asked her to have everything packed up for me and to send me a list of storage facilities near Farley.
I was already on the road when Cam called in tears.
When she told me what happened, I couldn't believe i
t. Brody had broken up with her. I wanted to deny it because that man was crazy about her and anyone who saw them together would know it.
He wouldn't have just ended things out of the blue.
So I drove back to Farley like a maniac, only stopping to pick up some necessary supplies.
When I walked in the door and saw Cameron's heartbroken expression and puffy, red eyes, I nearly dropped everything on the counter and went out to find Brody so I could beat on him a little. It probably wouldn't hurt him, but it would make me feel better.
"What's in the box?" she asked, sniffing.
"A head."
"How very Seven of you," she replied, smiling a little.
If she could smile, that was a good sign. I carried everything into the kitchen and took a six-pack of Dr. Pepper out of the very box she'd been asking me about. The cans were falling out of the plastic rings that held them together so the clerk at the convenience store had dug around and found me a box to put them in.
"Tell me what happened," I said as I moved around the kitchen getting cups of ice for our drinks.
By the time she was finished, Cam was crying again, which pissed me off even more.
"I can't believe he did this," I said. And I couldn't.
Cam went to the pantry and got out a couple of paper plates for our pizza. "I don't know why, but neither can I."
"He's completely into you. When you're in the room, no other woman exists." I shook my head. What on earth was going on?
"I feel like there's more to this story."
I considered it for a moment and asked, "Want me to find out?"
For a split second, I thought Cam was going to say yes, but after a long moment she closed her eyes and just shook her head.
Damn, she was definitely a better woman than me. I was sorely tempted to do it anyway but she was already hurt enough, so I let it be.
"Well, if you change your mind, let me know. We can get to the bottom of this," I said.
"What am I going to do?" she asked. "I'll have to see him. He comes to my parents' place every Sunday for lunch and he brings Jacks into the shop. I don't want him to stop doing that because I don't want to hurt Jacks. She's too young. She won't understand why I'm suddenly not there."
