Heartbeat

by Ellis, Tara

  I flipped through the channels but I wasn’t really interested in anything on TV either. When Kesha returned with our drinks, I took mine straight to the head.

  “Damn, bitch, I’m the one who’s depressed,” Charlie said with a laugh.

  “Not necessarily,” I said.

  “What Greg done did now?” Kesha asked.

  I got up to make another drink. It was mostly Jack Daniels with a squirt of Coke. When I returned to the living room both Kesha and Charlie were staring at me.

  “Well?” Kesha said.

  “It’s not a secret that Greg ain’t shit,” I said. I wasn’t shocked or mad when they both nodded their heads. “But ever since Destiny was born, he’s taken his ain’t shitness to a whole notha’ level.”

  Charlie frowned, “What you mean?”

  I didn’t really want to admit it. I didn’t want to look like a fool. But when I looked at my two best friends I realized neither one of them had any room to judge me when it came to men. “He moved out.”

  Kesha gasped, “He moved out?”

  I nodded and took a gulp from my drink. I shrugged my shoulders and tried to make it seem like it wasn’t that big of a deal. “Not officially. But he hasn’t been spending the nights at my place no more. So I’m guessing he’s moved out.”

  Kesha shook her head and Charlie sighed. I was tired of the spotlight shining on my relationship issues so I said, “What about Darnel? Has he tried to contact you?”

  Kesha narrowed her perfectly lined eyes. “When I came home from work today, he was waiting outside my damn condo.”

  It was my turn to gasp. “Oh my God!”

  Charlie sat upright on the couch and sat her glass on a coaster. “What happened?”

  “You know that sexy ass white boy that lives across the hall from me? He came out just in time and Darnel left.”

  I shook my head. No matter how much of a dog Greg was, he never ever put his hands on me.

  “Oh my God, Kesha. What are you gonna do? If he came back today, you know he’s gonna be back again.”

  Kesha finished off her drink before saying, “I know. I called Harris. I got a restraining order.”

  Charlie and I both sighed in relief. Then Charlie said, “Harris?”

  Kesha waved her hand in the air to dismiss any assumptions before we could even make them. “Officer Moore. I ran into him at Burger King and can you believe he tried to holla’?”

  I’d heard about the police officer that tried to hit on Kesha the same day Darnel had jumped on her, but now he was suddenly more interesting to me. “How does he look?”

  She shrugged, “He alright.”

  “He’s fine,” Charlie corrected.

  “He’s alright,” Kesha repeated.

  I decided to believe Charlie.

  “He’s not my type, at all. He’s corny. I thought I had thrown his card away cause I knew I was never gonna call him but when Darnel showed his monkey ass today, I had no choice.”

  Charlie went to the kitchen to pop some popcorn but she didn’t let the conversation stop there, “So, when you called Officer Moore, I mean, Harris, I forgot ya’ll are on first name basis now. So, when you called Harris, is the restraining order the only thing ya’ll talked about?”

  “Oh, he asked me out.”

  “And you said?” I wanted to know.

  “I agreed,” she said with a shrug of the shoulders. “He suggested Morelys and who’s gonna turn down Morelys?”

  Morelys was an expensive, upscale, steak house downtown. I’d never been, but I’d heard it was delicious. I still gave Kesha the side eye because if she really wanted Morelys she could afford it on her own, she was feeling this cop no matter how many times she called him corny.

  Charlie returned to the living room with a huge bowl of popcorn and a large glass of ice. I watched her as she poured the Ciroc in the glass and drunk it straight. This caught my attention because Charlie was a lightweight when it came to liquor.

  “Can ya’ll believe this shit?” Charlie said.

  Her outburst was sudden. My eyes darted across the room. I was looking for anything other than Charlie’s swollen eyes to look at. The room grew quiet except for the television that no one was actually watching.

  Kesha finally said, “I can’t believe it. Have you heard from him?”

  Charlie shook her head. “Nope.”

  Kesha sucked her teeth, “What the hell is wrong with Rick? I would have never in a million years thought he would do some shit like this.”

  “Yup, me either,” Charlie said. “But niggas ain’t shit.”

  We all laughed and I said, “You can say that again.” I took a handful of the popcorn and with a mouth full, I asked, “Why though?”

  “Why what?” Kesha asked.

  “Why niggas ain’t shit?”

  “Cause their mamas ain’t shit,” Kesha said and we burst into laughter.

  “Naw, its cause their daddies ain’t shit and their granddaddies before them weren’t shit. They just pass it down,” Charlie said.

  We laughed but I was smart enough to know deep down we were all hurting. “How did we get here man?”

  The room grew somber and quiet again. “Had I known that Darnel was the type of nigga that would beat on me, I would have never gave him my number in that damn 7-11 store.” She laughed but I knew she was dead serious.

  “I wish I would have never met Greg,” I offered.

  Charlie gave me a look that said “duh”.

  “It’s not too late to get him out of your life, Lake,” she said.

  Kesha agreed, “I know you want Destiny to have a father, and she does, you just don’t have to be with him.”

  There was no denying that they were right. “I know,” was all I could say.

  “You know what kills me?” Charlie blurted. She didn’t wait for us to answer her before she said, “Side bitches! Like what kinda’ bitch in her right mind would allow herself to be a nigga’s side bitch? Like, you don’t have no respect for yourself, hoe?” I could tell by the look on her face that she was thinking about the girl she caught Rick with.

  Kesha stuck her glass in the air, “I’ll cheer to that one. I will never understand this side bitch movement.”

  I stuck my glass in the air and Charlie’s followed. We clinked our glasses and I said, “Man, fuck these niggas.”

  I downed my drink and before I knew it I was numb. I welcomed the feeling. The last thing I wanted to feel was the heartbreak that was pushing its way forward. I looked at my two best friends and realized the saying was all so true. Misery did indeed love company.

  Charlie

  When I rolled over in bed, I didn’t feel Rick lying next to me. The California King bed seemed way too big. I stretched and an overwhelming amount of sadness washed over me. So it wasn’t a bad dream, this was really my life. My head throbbed from drinking too much last night. It felt so good at the time, but I was paying for it in a major way this morning.

  I stared at Rick’s empty side of the bed and cursed. And the pathetic thing about it all was if Rick would call, stop by and ask for my forgiveness, I would have given it to him on a silver platter. We could have started over and fought for this marriage. I was willing to do it if he showed an ounce of remorse. But it’d been a little over a week since I found out about his affair and he hadn’t come back home, or even tried to reach out to me.

  I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, trying to collect my thoughts. I wished I could somehow become numb to the ache torturing my heart. Lying in bed wouldn’t help the situation, so after giving myself a pep talk, I pulled myself away from the warmth of my down comforter.

  There was so many questions running through my mind and it killed me that I couldn’t just call Rick up and ask him. Well, I could but I refused. How long had he been cheating on me? And with how many women? I needed to know how much of our life together had been a lie. Rick hadn’t even attempted to get in contact with me and I damn sure wasn’t going to call him. I had
no idea when I would see him again so I was left alone with my torturous thoughts.

  I don’t know why I did it but I just had to know. I logged into Rick’s Facebook page. The stupid ass nigga never changed his password since I set it up from him three years ago. I felt sick to my stomach when I read messages he’d exchanged with random bitches.

  After reading the Facebook messages, I called Sprint and requested all of the cell phone records. I spent two hours torturing myself going through them page by page. Rick and that bitch, Kia, talked every day for hours. When did he have the time? If he wasn’t spending at least 16 hours at the hospital, he was with me. Or so I thought. My stomach was in knots and I felt like I was going to vomit, but still, I couldn’t stop looking at the cell phone records. Over 100 texts last month! I wanted to scream, I wanted to curse, I wanted to do something but I couldn’t force myself to stand from my bedroom chaise. I stared at the computer screen until the words and numbers became a blur. But it was ok because I was already planning my exit strategy. I’d played the fool for too long in this marriage.

  I wanted to call that bitch. I wanted to tell her just how pathetic she was to be sleeping with a married man, a man that would never be her own. But I didn’t. I wanted to hold on to the little self-respect I had left, so I shut down my laptop. I stretched because I’d been sitting in the same position for the last two hours and every muscle in my legs had become stiff.

  I don’t know why I did it but as soon as I stood, I burst into tears. But these tears were different than any of the times I cried in the last week. This time I cried so hard, I thought I would vomit. Seeing how frequently Rick communicated with Kia made their relationship so much more than sex. Was he in a relationship with this tramp? How did he possibly have the time to carry on two relationships? He spent most of his time at the hospital with his cancer patients, or so I thought. What stabbed my heart was that he made time for her. He had to juggle things in his schedule just so he would be able to be with her. The realization only made the tears come faster and harder. It was the ugliest cry and I felt like I was dying. I was crying so hard my chest began to burn but I couldn’t stop. I cried out to God; why and how could He let this happen to me? I was a good person. I was a good wife. What could I have done to bring this kind of pain into my life?

  It was time for me to make some decisions. It was time I told my parents. I thought about packing all of my stuff and just going to their house but I wasn’t the one who stepped out on my marriage, so why should I be the one to leave?

  With trembling hands, I dialed my parents’ home number. My father picked up on the first ring.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey, Daddy. Is Mama there?” I’d never been really close to my father so there was no way I was going to confide in him. I would just let Mama break the news to him.

  “Well, hello to you, too.” He said with slight agitation.

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Daddy. How are you?”

  Daddy went on to list all the things that were ailing his aging body for ten minutes before finally handing the phone to Mama.

  “Hey there, my pretty girl,” Mama said.

  “Hi, Mama. Are you busy?”

  “Not for my baby girl. What you got going on today?” Mama’s voice was always chipper like she’d never seen a bad day. That’s one of the reasons I loved calling Mama. No matter how I was feeling, I knew I could call her to make me feel better.

  I sighed and tried my hardest to keep from falling apart when I said, “Mama, it’s over.”

  “What? What’s over?”

  “My marriage,” I said, unable to control my sobs. I swear I thought I would become dehydrated with all the crying I was doing today.

  Mama sighed and I could tell she was leaving the room because everything in the background went silent. “Calm down, Charlie, and tell me what is going on.”

  “Rick is cheating on me!”

  Mama was a devout Christian but what came out of her mouth next was anything but. “I know that muthafucka’ ain’t!”

  It felt good to hear Mama curse Rick. I wanted her to hate him as much as I did right now.

  But then just as quickly, her rational side took over and she said, “Is this something you suspect or something you know to be a fact?”

  “I caught him with her, Mama. I seen them together. ”

  Mama sighed and let another curse word slip. “Rick must done lost his got-damn mind! What’s wrong with that boy?” She paused as if she were collecting her thoughts. “That hospital done ran him insane? I know full and got-damn well he done lost his mind.” She went silent for a second then said, “Please don’t tell me you caught them in bed together!”

  I gasped at the thought. “Oh lawd! Naw, Mama! I would be calling you from jail if that would have happened!”

  Mama laughed and her thick laugh was contagious because it caused me to laugh, then I sniffled before I dropped the real bomb on her. “I’m going to file for divorce.”

  There was a silence that I hadn’t expected on the other end and I choked on my own shock when Mama said, “Now wait a minute, Charlie. You can’t make a life changing decision like that when the wound is so fresh. Not when you’re this angry.”

  “What! Mama, I’m leaving this nigga! I caught him coming out of her raggedy ass apartment a whole week ago and I haven’t heard or seen from his ass since.” That wasn’t fully the truth because he had come over the following morning after I caught him, but I needed Mama to be on my side. I needed her to be mad. To tell me it was fine to pack my shit and leave Rick high and dry.

  Instead of saying that, Mama just sighed again and said, “I just can’t believe this. I would have never in a million years think Rick would do some bullshit like this.”

  “I won’t give him another chance to hurt me like this, Mama.” My mind darted back to the first time I found out Rick had cheated on me. I was entering my second year at UT and he was just beginning medical school. I still remember the girl’s name, the text message she’d sent while he was asleep at my apartment. I remember how he begged and pleaded with me then to forgive him and how he swore up and down he’d never, EVER, cheat on me again. Never hurt me like that again. Now, I wondered if he’d kept that promise up until we were married, or if he’d managed to cheat on me year after year without getting caught. I didn’t have to convince Mama. She wasn’t the one married to the bastard. I knew I would never give my heart to Rick again.

  “Well, lemme’ just say my piece, Charlie. I’ve lived on this Earth far longer than you have and I’d like to say that God has blessed me with quite a bit of wisdom.” She paused because she knew I wasn’t going to like what she was about to say next. “Just take some time to calm down before you make a final decision. Go and get somewhere quiet and go talk with the Lord. See where He leads you before you make this decision. Now, I know what Rick did was awful, just terrible, but divorce doesn’t always have to be an option.”

  I wanted to scream obscenities, but it wasn’t Mama that I was mad at. After promising her I would take her advice, I hung up the phone, went into my bathroom and did something to my head. I was tired of the bob. I grew to hate the look since Rick had said he liked it. It took less than an hour to take the weave out, wash and condition my hair. I didn’t have time to do much with it, so I pulled it into a messy bun on top of my head, put some mascara and eyeliner on and headed to the salon. I wanted so badly to cancel all my appointments for at least a week. Something I’d never done. I just needed some time to myself. Some time to sit around the house in sweats and drown my sorrow in wine and chocolate ice cream. But no, I couldn’t do that. I had a salon to run and clients who booked their appointments months in advance.

  In the car, on my way to the salon, I thought more about what Mama had said. My broken heart wouldn’t allow me to see a future with Rick. There was a gaping hole in the center of my heart as I thought about everything we’d worked together for, now being divided in half.

  I quickly ran down
the list of my clients in my head and remembered that one of my clients was a high profile divorce attorney that frequently came into the salon, bragging about how many cheating men she took to the cleaners. I also remembered doing her hair with my nose turned up, thinking how I would never end up like some of the women she represented. Broken hearted, but with pockets heavily lined with their divorce settlements. I couldn’t help but to laugh bitterly now. Here I was, ending up just like them.

  When I pulled up in front of the salon, I quickly headed inside. I was greeted by my lovely receptionist, then I headed straight to my private suite in the back of the salon. Arian, one of my hairstylist, stopped me.

  “Hey, Charlie. How you doing?” Arian looked me up and down but tried to play it off by plastering a fake smile on her face. “You look cute today.” I knew Arian couldn’t stand me and probably hated the fact that she had to pay me a percentage off each client she had, but she knew working at Trendsetters was the best look for her. There was no other salon in Dallas that had the clientele that we had.

  “Thank you, girl.” I said. I liked to keep my conversations with Arian as short as possible. “What’s up?” I wanted to get to my office as soon as possible and sip some herbal tea to calm my nerves before my first appointment but Arian’s fake ass was holding me up.

  She put one of her hands on her large hip and said, “I got that money for you. After I finish this client I’ll bring it to you”.

  I gave her a smile that I knew would piss her off. “Cool.” I never gave Arian a reason not to like me, she was just a hater. She was mad that since she was late on her weekly payout, she had to pay me a 20% late fee on top of what she already owed me.

  I stopped at Taylor, the next stylist’s booth. I actually liked Taylor, she was a good stylist and had a great work ethic.

  “Hey Taylor, this is a bad ass cut, girl.” I looked closely at the haircut she was giving her client. It looked like she had dyed the girl’s hair dark violet and it was a perfect contrast against the client’s light complexion.