Woods

by Finkelstein, Steven

  “Another question.”

  “Shoot.”

  This one was harder for Tad to put into words. Again there was a pause as he searched his vocabulary, during which time nature continued her nightly activities. The frogs, ignorant of the drama taking place, sang out with all the gusto instilled in them by the summer night. Lightning bugs twinkled gold in the reeds and over the still water. “We would be. Together. What then…would I be to you?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I would be…what? A confidant? An apprentice? Live in servant?”

  The man in the priest robe nodded gravely. “Yes. Yes, all of that. And more.”

  “I see. I need…more specifics. And spare no detail, because this is of the utmost importance. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, I think I understand you. Details. You would be many things to me, young one, as I would be many things to you. To me you would be subservient. We would establish rules and boundaries, you see, but only to ensure that later, there would be no rules or boundaries. My life would become yours, as gradually all would be revealed. Yes, you would be apprentice and confidant, my student. But more than that, you would be my constant companion. My friend. Think of it. Think of what it would mean to have, for the first time in your life, a true friend with all the knowledge and power that you have ever dreamed of, willing to teach you. Truths beyond imagining. We would be everything to each other. I would be your tutor, your mentor, your sage. Think of all that we could share. Think of all that we could learn, from each other. Think of all that we could accomplish, together. You would be to me like a son. But also like a brother.”

  “What you say to do, I do. You say jump, I say how high.”

  Daddy again gave that patient smile. “Would that be so bad? To submit to me, in order to learn all the secret desires of your heart? Think how easy it would be. All the uncertainty, all the doubt would go away. You wouldn’t have to struggle with decisions that threaten to tear your life apart, because the most important decision will already have been made.” Despite his attempt to remain calm, his posture had become more rigid as he spoke, though he kept his voice at an even keel. Tad thought of a used car salesman, sweating it out with some rube on the lot, trying to close the deal. “It’s all so simple, you see? All you have to do is trust me. That’s all it takes. Just say that you will submit to me and my wishes and join me. And it will all begin in earnest. We can get started, this very night. You don’t have to go back to that place where you’re trapped in your own head. I’m offering to open the door from your head into mine. It would be so simple, wouldn’t it? Just a few little words. In a breath, it is all decided.” He was leaning forward now, eagerly. Tad was aware of the slight height difference between them. “It was meant to happen, don’t you see that? I called, and you answered. No accident. Just say it. Just say the word.”

  It had come, another one of those moments that count for so much. As before, Tad could feel and appreciate it, but unlike the previous night, he didn’t want to savor this one. He would rather it be over and done with. There was no doubt of it being the most important decision of his life, and poker face or not, he was torn, and he knew that Daddy could sense that. The man’s argument was incredibly convincing, his offer incredibly tempting. It was, in a sense, everything that Tad had ever wanted, and some things he hadn’t even been aware of wanting. Not before that fateful day a few short weeks before, the first day of The Summer In Between. Since that day, sections of his life’s landscape had crystallized, along with his desires and ambitions, while others had blurred. Things had become infinitely complicated. Would this not be the ultimate simplification, as Daddy said? He would make the decision, and the man who sought to be his master would do the rest. It would be the most important decision he would ever have to make, and once he made it, all would be well. Everything would fall into place. All you have to do is trust me.

  But Tad was no fool, nor was he naïve. We have already seen how atypical he was for his age; it was one of the very reasons Daddy had found him so attractive. And appealing as Daddy’s offer might seem from some angles, even if Tad was to trust him, he would be a fool to think that joining him would ease his life. Despite Daddy’s somewhat generalized description of what going into his service would involve (he had still never described in a literal sense what would be going on, had he?), Tad understood that the change in his life, if he said yes, would be total, and possibly irreversible. The difficulties of making that adjustment were virtually a total unknown. Who knew just what he would be doing? I’m offering to open the door from your head into mine. Did that sweeten the deal? Was this man’s head a place where he would really like to be sharing office space? Something told him that if he took the plunge, he might never be able to climb back out again. And if he agreed to just walk off into the woods with Daddy, that very night, what would happen to the life he was leaving behind? Would it discard him as easily as he was discarding it? He could scarcely believe that his family wouldn’t search for him, and if he and Daddy were only absconding a couple of miles, to the house in the woods, they would find him. Unless Daddy had some sort of plan for combating that eventuality. The house wasn’t always easy to find; he had noticed the phenomena on more than one occasion. Could a search party find it, if they weren’t clued in to its existence? Or did Daddy intent for the two of them to leave Feral altogether? Yet another question.

  And could he really live with himself, if he left the people who cared about him without so much as saying goodbye? He hardly believed that Casey would lose any sleep if he turned up missing. His father would only mind because of the effect it would have on his mother. Of course she would be devastated. She loved all of her children, even though she had a tough time maintaining the family dynamic with Tad’s perceived oddness and Daisy’s constantly wanting to withdraw from the outside world and the rest of them. And Daisy? Without him, she would do badly. He knew that. As for Tad’s attitude toward them, with Casey he stayed a notch below outright hatred half the time, and at the moment he wouldn’t mind if he never saw Walt Surrey again. Tad loved his mother, but he found her tiresome too. Not only her need to constantly adhere to rules she herself had determined and used as an ongoing defense mechanism against anything that might go wrong, but her being a doormat for Walt to wipe his feet on as he so chose. And Tad loved his younger sister with all his heart. Without Daze, he didn’t know what he would have done sometimes. He loved her not despite her eccentricity, but because of it. It was her that he would miss. And he didn’t think he could forgive himself for leaving her behind.

  That was a major con. Then there were the pros, among them that falling in with Daddy would be the ultimate act of rebellion. He thought of the continual loss of patience that he’d been experiencing with his family and indeed every aspect of his life in the past few weeks. It had felt like he wanted to burst sometimes, when he remembered how dissatisfied he’d been with his daily routine. And he remembered also the new sense of excitement that had presented itself, the source of which was standing on the bank in front of him. The thrill that came of the unknown. The realization that anything might really be possible. And of one thing, if nothing else, he was sure- Daddy spoke the truth when he said that he, and only he, could be Tad’s guide into this strange new world and all that it had to offer. If he passed up this opportunity, what would happen? Presumably he would return to what he had been, only this time he would no longer have the sense of imagination that had kept him happy, or at least complacent, and his head would be full of voices that were not his own. It was not a pleasant prospect. It was unendurable.

  All this passed through his head, as he stood there and the world turned with its intractable slowness. Daddy waited. He had made his pitch. The ball was in Tad’s court. There’s trouble either way. I know that. If I say yes, I go through the looking glass for good. A verbal contract here isn’t something that can be discarded if I change my mind in a couple of days. It was intuition, again, that told him th
is. And do I dare take that plunge? Do I make the vacation from reality permanent? What if I say no? Can I really believe that he’ll just accept that and walk away, that I’ll never see him again? The voices in his head, as if amused by this struggle, chose this as a good time to put in their two cents. Run, one said. Run as far and as fast as you can! Or there’s no going back! He turned away, looking out over the water. Looking up at the trees. Looking anywhere but at those bulging eyes. Don’t be a fool, said another, more sinister voice, silky smooth. This is the greatest opportunity you will ever have. There will never be another like it. Accept it. No accident. Just say it. Just say the word. Say it! Say it! Say it! “I can’t.” he said it aloud, and he turned and looked Daddy in the eye as he repeated himself, more forcefully this time. “I’m sorry, I can’t. We all have our lives to lead, and we all have our responsibilities. You’re right, I’m not happy all the time, or satisfied, but who is? I’m not going to desert my family, even if I hate them sometimes with every fiber of my being. My sister. I can’t leave her. I won’t. No matter what my own wishes might be, I can’t do that to her. I’m the most important person in the world to her.” And as he said it, his thoughts touched her, not far away, a bright spot off in the night like a lighthouse on a rocky shore. He could see her clearly, up to her forearms in paint, burgundy half-moons under each eye, and he smiled, but he sighed as he did so. “And she’s the most important person in the world to me. We have to look out for each other, especially in a family like ours.” Daddy opened his mouth, but Tad went on. “Let me finish. I gave you that courtesy. Do the same for me. I’m not going to say that your offer isn’t tempting. But no matter what I might some day be capable of, under your tutelage, this is still my choice to make, and you must respect it. You’ve already taught me much, and though I wish I could take the next step, even though I don’t pretend to know what that is, it doesn’t feel right. I’m not saying that I don’t trust you. I’m just saying that I trust what I feel more, if you see what I mean. I hope that you respect that. And I hope that we can part as friends.”

  Daddy’s eyes gleamed out. Tad realized he was holding his breath again. The frogs and crickets had gone abruptly silent. No more lightning bugs flashed. The woods had gone dark and still. “That is your choice then?” Something ugly in his voice.

  “Yes.”

  “Fine.” Daddy lowered his head, speaking to the ground. “It’s your choice to make. But I still hope you might reconsider your mistake, because this was a mistake. Mark my words on that. I just hope it’s a mistake you can live with. Listen to me very well, spirit of impetuous youth; I am your future, one way or another. Our spirits are intertwined, just remember that. I called, and you answered. From that day, your fate was sealed. You know what fate is, don’t you, young Surrey? It’s what was meant to happen. To go against it you are defying the will of powers beyond yourself, and to do so is arrogance. Who are you to challenge fate? I’ll tell you who you are- you are a foolish little boy, and you will be lost without me. Go back to them, if you must, go back to what passes for a life. Just remember I offered you the world and you spat it back at me, remember who and what you spurned!” His voice had risen as he spoke, the air of piousness having vanished as rapidly as a morning mist at sunrise. Tad took a step backward, but he let himself show no fear. He had half expected something like this, and he would stand his ground. Daddy turned and made as if to walk away, but he turned on his heel, his fists clenched and his jaw set, to issue one final barrage. “Just a word of warning, young one. Be careful. The world is a dangerous place, especially for someone with your so admirable sensibilities. You may be wishing for my guidance before long!” Tad stood waiting, almost looking for the man to vanish in a puff of smoke, but nothing so theatrical occurred. The would be priest simply turned and stepped behind the trunk of the tree, and within moments the noise of his departure had been swallowed by a stiff breeze that sprang up from the north, rustling all the boughs and leaving Tad Surrey chilled to the bone, despite the night’s seasonable warmth.

  Consequences

  Tad had wondered, once, what would happen if the initial feeling that had pulled him off into the woods returned, and he wanted to resist it. The next day he found out. He’d come back to his family’s home in the early hours of the morning, hobbling, his shoes encased in dried mud from The Bottoms, the lower third of his jeans heavy with the stuff. His shoulder still throbbing, every one of his wounds screaming at him when they brushed against his shirt. He’d washed off his shoes at the outside hose, leaving them on the back porch, scraped off his pants as best he could, and slipped back into the house unmolested. Despite the pain of his wounds, he had fallen asleep easily. When his mother had called him for breakfast the next morning he had risen stiffly, but he was present and accounted for none the less when she’d plopped a steaming bowl of oatmeal down in front of him. Breakfast had a strange feeling to it. Sitting there, Tad knew that his swollen lower lip was visible for all to see, even if the welts crisscrossing his back and torso weren’t. But no one spoke about it. Typical of this family, he thought. Anything that disrupts unity and threatens to burst the bubble must be suppressed, whether by violence or by ignoring it. Or stifling it. His mother looked particularly strained, but she still chattered as much as ever, forcing a stream of town gossip aimed mostly at Walt, who grunted or gave one word answers as the occasion seemed to warrant. Casey sat at Walt’s left, crunching on a piece of toast as though it were a defensive lineman standing between him and the opposing quarterback. Every once in a while he would sneak a look in Tad’s direction and then return with a faint smile to his breakfast. He knew where the fat lip had come from, if not the reason for it, and it pleased him to no end. Even with Tad’s lip, Daisy looked in worse shape than he did. She looked thinner than ever, and her eyes were puffy and swollen. She took two bites of cereal at the onset of the meal, and then sat practically motionless. She would only raise her eyes to look over at Tad, steadily and without blinking, then over to her father. Then she would return her gaze to the cereal bowl and resume studying it. As though it revealed to her some grim and irrefutable truth of the world. When Marta rose to retrieve some item from the kitchen she patted the girl on the head. “Eat up,” she said. Daisy neither responded nor obeyed.

  Tad was not blind to her glances. I should tell her everything. What’s the harm in it now? It would be good to have somebody to talk to about all this. He didn’t want to burden her, that’s what it came down to. Perceptive as Daisy was, she was still just a twelve year old girl. What advice could she have to give him? But if anyone in the family has a right to know, it’s her. He was still debating with himself when the phone rang, causing one the voices that had newly taken up residence in his head to give a shrill cry. It’s him, it said. Walt held up a restraining hand to Marta and rose from the table to walk into the living room and get it himself. “Hello,” he said, and then, with abrupt sharpness, “Hello!” The slam as he replaced the receiver.

  “Who was it, dear?” Marta said.

  “Somebody fooling around,” Walt muttered, even as Tad uttered the phrase under his breath. For the first time in what seemed like weeks, he thought he caught Daisy smiling. After breakfast he’d returned to his room, opening the window to combat the blazing heat and moving about gingerly. For some time he stood in the middle of the floor and looked around at the familiar objects, the digital clock on his dresser, some tattered stuffed animals in a corner, socks on the floor. Then without knowing quite why he set about rearranging the room. He rifled his desk, turning up old homework assignments, pencil shavings and drawings from art class. He went downstairs and came back with a plastic garbage bag, stuffing it all inside. He spent upwards of an hour rearranging the books on the shelves. Then rearranging them again. He enjoyed the activity, perhaps because while he was puttering around and his hands were busy with something he wasn’t concentrating on Daddy and his dire warnings, which he knew was all that would happen if he remained still. Again h
e considered going up to the attic and unburdening himself to Daisy, but he did not. It was as though he felt that if he avoided speaking about the situation, or thinking about it, then it would go away on its own. But when the time came for dinner, and his mother called up the stairs for him and Daisy to join the others, he discovered that was not to be the case.

  He had just sat down, trying not to aggravate his many bruises, when he felt it. It was exactly as it had been the afternoon of the last day of middle school. Away beyond his sight there was somethingthat called to him without a voice, who spoke to him without a tongue. He turned away from the table and stared at the wall of the dining room in the direction from which it originated, rubbing his hands together and running his tongue over his swollen lip, like a junkie who knows the existence of a syringe in the other room. Turning back toward his plate, he waited until it was loaded with food, then picked up his fork and stabbed at the casserole, gulping large bites as if by filling his stomach he could deny what he really wanted. What he really needed. The sensation had started out like a pleasant reminder, as if to say hey, here I am. Just to let you know, I’m around if you need me. You can ignore me if you like. It’s fine. I don’t mind. But it didn’t stay that way long. After a minute or two the warming sensation and that gentle tugging had become a more insistent yank. What are you waiting for? I’m here; why are you still there? Why not come, come to me? He smiled a huge smile, staring ahead, not looking at anyone. He picked up another generous bite and crammed it in his mouth, almost gagging on it. Daisy was looking at him, her expression almost mournful, but he didn’t notice. Those tingling probes had begun to tickle, and now they began to itch like a rash you know you shouldn’t scratch, but oh, how you want to anyway. Can you resist me, really? Can you? When you know that we should be together? To stop his hands from rubbing together he made them into fists and crossed his arms, jamming them into his armpits. He wanted to giggle, to shout, to leap up and dance. How awful, to be tormented by something only he was aware of.